Trying so hard to understand, but struggling.

[Sarah S]

Thank you sarah,

I apreciate your reply so very much. Its so difficult and different to my past relationship because i know its just him, and not him being mean to me.

I read and read about aspergers desparatly seeking the the advice i think i need lol

I think he feels let down because i work with people with similar conditions and i love my work so very much, and i can deal with thoes situations with ease.

He wasnt diagnosied when i met him, infact for the first year i was oblivious to the fact he may have it, however as time went on, and when we moved in together, it smacked me in the face and i was like.. oh i can deal with this, its fine. I helped him, sat with him through his depression and helped him through all his appointments untill he was diagnoised. Even the doctor who made the diagnosis said i was perfect for him.. i thought it would be easier for him once he had an understanding of who he was, but it seems to have made him worse, alot worse.

I have some serious thinking to do, i would do anything in the world to have just one conversarion with him about it... it will never happen though

Im happy if i can be at help dear. I agree ii have no doughts he loves you BUT unfortunately he`s unable to show you this due to his Diagnose. & i also understand how hard this must be for you based on said earlier events

Im the same since i was diagnosed back in 2000 with ASD Already had previous diagnosis)

Only he can answer that one BUT i think its more that with his diagnose he cant really take arguing or conflict altogether ( when things gets to mush he puts his fingers in his ears and storm out does in this way protect him self from a situation that he feels uncomfortable with (one thing as you alredy know is that Asperger Autism /ASD etc... is different between how us women show our traits or tics / symptoms vs how male does the same & from my previous as well as current dialog with both males as well as females with said diagnosis id say to me YES he`s defenetly how many (NOT al we al know that NPD diagnosis are HIGHLY individual) men with Asperger are or behave. the simple difference with this is with the kids at work its youre job with him its personal and you love him.

You have given it youre all dear and for that you should have ALL credit BUT what you also have to try to understand is that there is also and of how far you can get and when its sadly time to accept defeat .and sadly its also a stated fact that both men as well as women with this cind of NPD diagnosis are often (again NOT always ) end up alone and single (story of my life among others only i havent even gotten to try a relationship ) further more DROP the guilt part you havent made things worse & i can assure you MANY other wimen would have left WAY earlier then you should do.

You defenetly need to try to get to some cind desition on this (just know this he WONT change things will either continue as is or get worse with time thats the sad fact

Reg the snakes and you dont whant to give them alive food (yes i have been and still am a complete animal nut and i had LOADS of reptiles and other animals ALL sizes and Species) You are right in hesitating to give youre snakes live food. The risks of doing this is the mice could bite and hurt the snake , Not to mention i compleatly understand its not pleasant to give a live mice to snake and MOST that have snakes or lizards etc.... who eats mice and so on do so with dead food (me included when i had snakes,Croc lizards and other animals eating meat )

 

[Autistamatic]

Can someone with aspergers eventually learn to communicate? or is it impossible.

Straight answer - yes, of course we can. We have to want to though. He's learned how to communicate with his kids, but it's whether he wants to do so with you that is the question. He has to know that if he wants you in his life he's going to need to make some more effort and it can't just be your sole responsibility.

Maybe you have changed. Everybody changes. After 3 years together we are not quite the same people who originally met. If he thinks that it can be the same rush of emotion that it was back then, it's unlikely. That ship has sailed.

Autistic people often speak in more rational, logical terms than allistic people do. There is less emotional content and more pragmatism. This can sometimes appear hostile, but if he's raising his voice or using disparaging language, then it's more than that. If it is because he finds it difficult to understand the emotional content of your side of the argument, breaking it down into small chunks, a step-by-step guide to how things are hurting you might help him to understand. He has to be ready to listen though.

If you can't find a way to communicate with each other within acceptable boundaries of mutual respect, and are both willing to make the effort to make it work, then it is not to be and you should move on.

If he is willing to do so, then there's hope.

 

[Pats]

It won't get better and he's not going to change. He is who he is and you can't fix him or rescue him. Don't do it to yourself. You will end up feeling the loneliest over time and it's miserable when you feel lonely WITH someone.

 

[Sarah S]

I agree with you 100% there is obviously something i am doing wrong too.

Im sure i have a billion things that im not doing correct, working with somebody professionally is compleatly different to loving and living with somebody.

I talk to much, i am emotional, i suppose i try to hard ro make thing's right, (in my eyes) when he may not even realise there is a problem .

But im also really understanding, hate arguing, so i apologise when i havent done anything. im good at just stopping when he wants me too, and ive learnt to leave him and wait for him to come to me again..

Its just extreamly difficult to have to not say something that might be important to me at that time, forget about it then move on.

Again this is why im so confused...

i appreciate your advice

thank you

let me stop you right there NO and i repeat NO you are NOT doing anything wrong and even if you did the fact that he has this Asbergers does NOT shift al the blame on you my dear it takes two to tango simple as that so DONT let ANYONE try to shift the blame only on you

Its called being human dear.

If this is the way you are theres NOTHING wrong with this. the problems is with his diagnose its clearly not the best but thats NOT youre fault its more said diagnose ( one thing that makes my blood boil is when us with this NPD diagnosis are expecting others to blindly just accept and adapt to our needs regardless on how we our self behave & for shore we shouldent have to try to adapt its ALL the others that are wrong and were right so the world should change and adapt to our needs. Shore we have the right to be accepted and respected for our diagnosis. BUT that NOT to say that were always right and can behave or treat others as we want, it means that we as well as the others needs to try to respect and adapt to eatchoder )

I should know as i have once been one my self hiding behind my diagnosis behaving as i wonted dident give a .... about who i hurt with my actions i mean hey im diagnosed so im in the right thay are wrong.

You sound like my mom she`s JUST like that (well was as she sadly in a home for Alzheimer now ) BUT before her diagnose this is EXACTLY how she was. and my step dad was on the opesite site a very dominant (NO no diagnose as far as i know ) and dident like to argue debate or discuss things .and my mom backed of trying to avoid conflict.

I understand but in his mind i believe he drops it and move on & dont whant to argue or debate about this anymore.

Again this is the price youre gonna pay for staying with him and thats WAY to high price to have to pay dear

 

[poshnumptybird]

Autistamatic
THANK YOU.
This is what i needed to hear, this is what my concern has been, maybe he doesnt want to hear me.

I know i must do things wrong, its life, we all do, im no way near perfect.

He agreed that if there was something i needed to get off my chest, i could put it in a message, i thought this could be a good idea as he can read it when he is ready, and i know he has heard what i have needed to say. He has never once replied or actually even acknowledge it, but it has made me feel better.

I will constantly try to make things work, constantly apologise, even if i feel it was him that needed to apologise, but my worry is that maybe im not 100% right for him, im just a habit to him, or a consistency that he is familiar with.

i know he has to communicate at work, he is a support worker for people with mental health problems, he is very good. Both his children have aspergers too, so there is constant different opinions between them and i admire him for gow he deals with them..

but me, i say oh i dont want to use live food, as it would upset me to see, and it could hurt our snake as he has never eaten live before, and im wrong and making it up.. then try to tell him that the offer was probably on crickets and he has a complete melt down ..

Something so simple, but turned into upset and hurt.

I think you have hit the nail on the head for me.

People only try if they want it bad enough

xx thabk you

 

[china autie]

Nope. It is not that you are doing "something wrong" or "anything wrong".

The problem here is an imbalance of power in your relationship which results in his abusive behavior.

You can be the perfect human being and the unsafety you experience will remain. This is not your problem behavior. This is HIS. He owns this one.

Your only part in this one is determining what you will do for your own safety and well-being.

 

[Autistamatic]

I will constantly try to make things work, constantly apologise, even if i feel it was him that needed to apologise

Don't make apologies if it is him in the wrong. You asked about learning earlier. He stands no chance of learning if you take the responsibility every time. If there's a possibility of this working, he has to know where he goes wrong so he can modify his behaviour if he needs/wants to.

I realise you desperately want to give this a chance to work, and that may be possible, but it's no relationship if you always have to be the one in the wrong. My wife is not autistic, but she knows how to communicate with me. I am grateful when she gently points out my errors and it makes me all the more keen to do things right. It's not about masking my autism, it's about meeting in the middle so we can both enjoy the fruits of our partnership. I hope you and he can do the same.

 

[Judge]

I just find myself constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing, as I'm finding that his aspergers traits are only extremely bad when he is with me. I can not discuss anything at all with him, without him taking offence to it, he shouts constantly at me, covers his ears so he cant hear me and then ends up slamming doors and walking off. I work away a lot, so really look forward to coming home to spend time with him, but within half an hour, he has fallen out with me.

I see him with his children, having conversations with them, and he never loses his temper, even if they disagree with him about something, he just explains to them... why can he not do this with me??

Sometimes it's worth rereading one's own words to bring better perspective to what they are asking.

When I see this man's behavior so contrasting between you and his children, I can only come up with the conclusion that whatever are his issues with you personally, that they likely don't have a lot to do with him being on the spectrum of autism.

Sorry to have to agree with the consensus here, but this is a relationship with no sign that it can or would improve with time- or a wedding ring.

 

[Sarah S]

When I see this man's behavior so contrasting between you and his children, I can only come up with the conclusion that whatever are his issues with you personally, that they likely don't have a lot to do with him being on the spectrum of autism.

On what grounds do you conclude this ? As from were im standing i defenetly see the ASD spectrum as a HUGE problem in said relationship granted her special ( OH so common among us women traits ) arent exactly the best fit ether

 

[Autistamatic]

Whether the relationship problems are a direct cause of his autism or not, there is no doubt that autism likely presents a barrier to resolving them, if that's possible at this stage.

 

[Judge]

On what grounds do you conclude this ? As from were im standing i defenetly see the ASD spectrum as a HUGE problem in said relationship granted her special ( OH so common among us women traits ) arent exactly the best fit ether

For someone to have such radically different social interactions between a significant other and their own family, I'd be far more inclined to see it as something beyond merely the divide between being Neurotypical and Neurodiverse.

From my own perspective, being on the spectrum reflects rather consistent challenges when it comes to social interactions- even those within my tightest social orbit. In this instance, the man's lack of consistency leads me to believe that there is more in play apart from his man's autistic traits and behaviors.

Sure the neurological divide represents fundamental challenges in most any relationship. That's a given. But in this instance, I suspect there are other things as well negatively compounding this particular relationship. Though it doesn't appear we have enough information to really speculate as to what that might be.

 

[Nihil]

This doesn't seem like it'd be a healthy relationship for either of you, based on what you've said so far. If he's constantly shouting at you as you say, that's not something you should want to live with.

 

[Sarah S]

For someone to have such radically different social interactions between a significant other and their own family, I'd be far more inclined to see it as something beyond merely the divide between being Neurotypical and Neurodiverse.

From my own perspective, being on the spectrum reflects rather consistent challenges when it comes to social interactions- even those within my tightest social orbit. In this instance, the man's lack of consistency leads me to believe that there is more in play apart from his man's autistic traits and behaviors.

Sure the neurological divide represents fundamental challenges in most any relationship. That's a given. But in this instance, I suspect there are other things as well negatively compounding this particular relationship. Though it doesn't appear we have enough information to really speculate as to what that might be.

Fare enough i have to back down on this WELL concluded statement (nodding head )

Thanks for the explanation

 

[Judge]

Fare enough i have to back down on this WELL concluded statement (nodding head )

Thanks for the explanation

In all fairness, you did bring up an interesting point, forcing me to reevaluate what I posted. Many of us in this community put a lot of emphasis on the variety of traits and behaviors we all have, apart from their varying degrees of amplitude.

That when it comes to social interactions, my strengths and weaknesses don't vary much in real-time, face-to-face dealings with others, no matter who they are. Especially in my tightest social orbit when it comes to loved ones, where I'm most apt to "let my guard down".

But that's just me. What about this other fellow?

Does he have such control with his social interactions that he can be so selective? Something to consider, though we can only guess at what motivates him to do as such. Or perhaps that he reserves (and prioritizes) all his emotional and mental strength to mask his traits and behaviors exclusively to his children, for their benefit? And that in doing so, that he essentially has nothing left for his significant other?

I'm only speculating, but in this instance it might explain a great deal about this relationship. Where he deliberately- and consistently rations out and prioritizes the best he has in his social interactions to his kids rather than his significant other.

In that respect you'd be quite right about this being rather exclusive to his autistic traits and behaviors. That my initial response was too egocentric relative to my brand of autism and not that of others. After all, it's no secret as to how varied we can be and in so many different ways. Just because I might find this to be relatively "foreign" to my brand of autism doesn't mean it can't happen. I should also add that I've never been a parent or had any of my own children. Maybe some autistic parents would "go this extra mile" for their own kids, as opposed to anyone else. Hmmmmm.

And if so, could he or would he be able to change sufficiently to provide his significant other with the same care and consideration he provides for his children?

Something to consider, though it may not alter the probable reality that this just isn't a salvageable relationship.

 

[clg114]

This relationship does not look good. However, if you both are completely dedicated to this marriage, it seems to me that good, professional consoling would be in order. Since you all are going to be a family, his kids probably should be included at some point in time. It would be a big job to make this happen, so if you were to do it, be prepared for that. I hope that you and him have a successful marriage. Good luck.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I read and read about aspergers desparatly seeking the the advice i think i need

Not all of his behavior is due to Aspergers/Autism. He also has a personality. If you find that personality unpleasant, why stay? Would you put up with that kind of behavior in someone who didn't have a diagnosis?

Or would you drink toxic water just because the water has a good reason for being toxic?

Forgive me for being so direct, but if you feel like this is the best you can have, you might benefit from counseling. You've mentioned past abusive relationships. Some people are drawn towards those types of relationships and it takes conscious, deliberate work to avoid them. A good counselor can help you see what you're really worth and what you want in a relationship.

 

[Sid Delicious]

"Ive been in extreamly violent and lonely relationships before for 16 years plus, so it make these things seem not so bad. I love him so much, and we do alot together, things ive never had in previous relationships..."

THIS is why you are still with him, when any sane person would have accepted the relationship was not compatible and left a long time ago. You are using a very abusive relationship as a basis for comparison to judge less abusive relationships. Most people will compare a relationship to a healthy one. Those people would have identified early on that this relationship was not healthy, was likely never going to be healthy and putting up with it was a terrible decision for the both of you. Think of it this way... if your first abusive relationship had been even worse than it was, then the next one likely wouldn't have seemed that bad. If you go from being beaten up every day of the week to only once a year, that will seem like a huge improvement to you and worth hanging on to and trying to fix. Anyone else would (rightly) respond in shock at the idea of their partner hitting them once a year. Your ability to judge situations accurately is currently way off the mark, because as you've stated these are things you've 'never had in previous relationships'.

I can be very annoying in a relationship with someone who is incompatible, but get on great with someone who is. I don't change as a person. It's just that their characteristics and mine work well together without either of us having to change. The aspies I've met/dated loved that I was happy to go off and do my own thing sometimes and didn't need constant attention, whereas a lot (most) of the NTs found it a bit irritating. I can also be overly honest/blunt, which was great for some guys and really annoying for others. I also hate shouting and will 'zone out' (the equivalent of your boyfriend walking off) if I feel attacked. The NT guys generally found it annoying, whereas aspies I can talk/debate with calmly and rationally without it getting heated since we both had the same response to shouting and understood that automatically. There are numerous other examples, but the point is that if you were compatible then you wouldn't have so much conflict to begin with. Certainly not in the first few years.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to amicably break up. If it's this bad already, then marriage and time is not going to make it any better. You'll only feel more tied down on top of the existing problems. Then get yourself to a therapist and work through the issues you have regarding abuse. Fix the perception you have of a 'good relationship', learn how to identify whether someone is a good match early on, and afterwards you'll find it much easier to avoid repeating situations like this.

"I will constantly try to make things work, constantly apologise, even if i feel it was him that needed to apologise"

Never do this. You are subordinating yourself to someone for the sake of keeping the peace rather than resolving anything. It won't fix the problem, it will destroy your self esteem over time, and he won't respect you for it anyway.

"my worry is that maybe im not 100% right for him, im just a habit to him, or a consistency that he is familiar with."

From what you've said, you aren't right for him. But neither is he right for you. That's fine. A lot of people aren't compatible as partners. Which is why we have the dating process to get to know someone. And yes, some people do hang on to men/women they aren't that attached to for reasons other than love. I don't know his history, but maybe he has a lot of his own issues/insecurities that prevent him from wanting to call it quits. Who knows. But you clearly aren't happy and that is unlikely to get better.

 

[JDShredds]

A lot of very good points made, and as a male on the spectrum on the back end of a failed marriage, I do have some relevant first hand experience.

First of all, there is one little "bug" I'm seeing, and its that you kept saying "his asperger's" as if its a third entity that comes into play and "acts up" at inconvenient times. I believe this is trivializing the fact that he is on the spectrum. Its part of who he is; not a glitch that needs averting. So, while this is a subtle language difference, I would advise recognizing it as part of the marrow of who he is and not a condition that gets out of hand and needs treatment or avoiding.

With that said, he clearly sounds overwhelmed (and there is more to it than being on the spectrum). And I don't think this has as much to do with him being ND as much as general problems with his life, your life and the relationship between the two. I can certainly say I've rolled eyes, slammed doors and shouted; but this is almost always when the outside world is demanding too much of me or family members/loved ones aren't understanding and are pushing me too hard and too often (which, btw, is common during marital engagements).

As an aside: Talking to a male ND about weddings... unless he has a special interest in weddings (what are the odds of that?), you'll probably never quite understand the amount of energy it takes him to feign interest (so if that's the only thing he's rolling his eyes at, it may not be you as much as your persistence in forcing him to listen to something he doesn't care about). I could be wrong here, but I've been in that exact position. During marital engagements, when weddings is almost every conversation every day... let me just tell you from the other side: it sucks for most men, and for ND males its absolute misery.

But none of this gets to the real point of the matter: It sounds like a fundamental breakdown in the relationship, and HUGE red flags (NEVER get married with these kinds of red flags!). After all, eye rolling is one of the red flags of contempt. It is very, very difficult to come back from the damage eye rolling actually inflicts both short and long term, particularly in what it implies beneath the surface. I'm amazed at all the relationships I see where people roll their eyes at each other. When I see that, I don't care how trivial the context... its a bad, bad sign for their long term fate.

Slamming doors and shouting... its not good. He's clearly cracking over something. But the eye rolling is the one that makes me think he's having a problem with you and the relationship.

Good luck, be careful and safe, and do what is best for you.

 

[Sid Delicious]

"During marital engagements, when weddings is almost every conversation every day... let me just tell you from the other side: it sucks for most men."

I would add that it sucks for a lot of women too! Maybe it's an autism thing, but I've never understood the near psychotic mania that women experience planning huge, expensive weddings. It just seems like a 12 month corporate event management role that you're not even paid for at the end! I was closely involved in planning my sister's wedding and that was enough stress. These days people put all their energy into the wedding itself rather than the actual relationship and they wonder why they end up broke and unhappy.

 

[RachelN]

I feel like you just need to move on. You really shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you dislike. That's what I did with my first wife, and I regret it everyday of my life.

Trust me...move on. They're just not worth it.