Trying to make sense of what people told me when I mentioned being depressed

[Markness]

I was, and still am, often told certain things when I mentioned to people about being clinically depressed. It usually involved sayings like “Don’t see the glass as half empty but as half full.”, “Things get worse before they get better.”, “Good things come to those who wait.”, and “When you going through Hell, keep going.”
But I was sometimes told harsh sentiments such as “You don’t live in Africa!”, “Quit moping around! That won’t get you anywhere!”, and “Take a chill pill!”

I still struggle to make sense of being told something like “I am sorry you are depressed but don’t give up!” or something similar. Am I being told I should just act like I am not depressed?

 

[Billthecat]

Search for opinions but you will find the answer JUST in yourself.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like people don't know what to say so they're offering whatever trite cliche comes to mind first. This is a serious topic that makes most people uncomfortable. It's rare to find someone who you can really talk to about it and receive genuine empathy and an appropriate response.

 

[Aspychata]

That shows you how misunderstood depression is. It's difficult to talk about depression. Perhaps you can only find one person that really understands, like @Fino Is suggesting.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I also think that they try to help without knowing what would be helpfull. I have that same problem with depressive people.

I see that they are feeling bad and need help, but dont know what to do to help.

What would be an appropiate response when someone tells me they are depressed?

I have see a lot of your post about how bad advices you have received, but never read a post where you describe what good advice and support should they be giving you.

How would you help a depressive person?

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I also think that they try to help without knowing what would be helpfull. I have that same problem with depressive people.

I see that they are feeling bad and need help, but dont know what to do to help.

What would be an appropiate response when someone tells me they are depressed?

I have see a lot of your post about how bad advices you have received, but never read a post where you describe what good advice and support should they be giving you.

How would you help a depressive person?

I do not personally have depression, but from being in a relationship with a depressed person (well, bipolar, but the depressive episodes were full-blown), what I have tried to do is listen to what people with depression have to say, even if I think they are wrong. Two pieces in particular really helped me move away from the same pattern of thinking you mention (I used to be very much like you but it tended to just make things worse).

1: Hyperbole and a Half: Depression part 2 (though part 1 is also good). The fish analogy here was really helpful in understanding what people with depression are thinking, not feeling. It's actually a really funny webcomic, while also being very sad.

2: A moment that changed me: Listening to, rather than trying to fix, my suicidal wife. This is a short feature but very effective. I could read how someone in a situation very similar to mine had been using my tactic to "help", but it just made things worse. Then he changed his approach, and the second one did. It's really saying the same thing as the first linked piece, but from the other perspective.

I really recommend those to everyone. If you currently have or formerly had depression, they give you a useful vocabulary to get your thoughts in order, while if you know someone with expression, they let you know how not to act around them. Nowadays, I try to be supportive and listen, but I don't give any advice to people suffering from severe mental health issues, or really "help" directly. I do let them know that they can contact me if they need help or want to talk however.

 

[Alexandria]

I do not personally have depression, but from being in a relationship with a depressed person (well, bipolar, but the depressive episodes were full-blown), what I have tried to do is listen to what people with depression have to say, even if I think they are wrong. Two pieces in particular really helped me move away from the same pattern of thinking you mention (I used to be very much like you but it tended to just make things worse).

1: Hyperbole and a Half: Depression part 2 (though part 1 is also good). The fish analogy here was really helpful in understanding what people with depression are thinking, not feeling. It's actually a really funny webcomic, while also being very sad.

2: A moment that changed me: Listening to, rather than trying to fix, my suicidal wife. This is a short feature but very effective. I could read how someone in a situation very similar to mine had been using my tactic to "help", but it just made things worse. Then he changed his approach, and the second one did. It's really saying the same thing as the first linked piece, but from the other perspective.

I really recommend those to everyone. If you currently have or formerly had depression, they give you a useful vocabulary to get your thoughts in order, while if you know someone with expression, they let you know how not to act around them. Nowadays, I try to be supportive and listen, but I don't give any advice to people suffering from severe mental health issues, or really "help" directly. I do let them know that they can contact me if they need help or want to talk however.

I couldn't engage with the first link as it is too bright and busy - and very angular. I did try...
However, the second link (to The Guardian article) shows quite succinctly how, sometimes, all we need is to be heard. I can identify with that, although in my case, I grew to be the listener my self.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I do not personally have depression, but from being in a relationship with a depressed person (well, bipolar, but the depressive episodes were full-blown), what I have tried to do is listen to what people with depression have to say, even if I think they are wrong. Two pieces in particular really helped me move away from the same pattern of thinking you mention (I used to be very much like you but it tended to just make things worse).

1: Hyperbole and a Half: Depression part 2 (though part 1 is also good). The fish analogy here was really helpful in understanding what people with depression are thinking, not feeling. It's actually a really funny webcomic, while also being very sad.

2: A moment that changed me: Listening to, rather than trying to fix, my suicidal wife. This is a short feature but very effective. I could read how someone in a situation very similar to mine had been using my tactic to "help", but it just made things worse. Then he changed his approach, and the second one did. It's really saying the same thing as the first linked piece, but from the other perspective.

I really recommend those to everyone. If you currently have or formerly had depression, they give you a useful vocabulary to get your thoughts in order, while if you know someone with expression, they let you know how not to act around them. Nowadays, I try to be supportive and listen, but I don't give any advice to people suffering from severe mental health issues, or really "help" directly. I do let them know that they can contact me if they need help or want to talk however.

As I was reading my mind went back to when both my parents were depressed. I remember trying to help them, what did not worked.

Then I also read that all I needed to do was listening to them. So I tried, they took the chance to talk bad about everything and everybody, including myself. How bad soon I was, how less did I cared for them, how much damage I had caused to them, how I was wasting my life, etc...

At that time I was not aware that they was behaving at me as nicely or better that how they was behaving at themselves, so they was actually loving me as much as themselves, which was actually quite catholic on their part.

So I ended telling them that as their brains were not working properly I was not taking their words seriously, and that I could help with practical things like doing the shopping.

But I was being hurt by them, so soon after I left their home and started living on my own.

Interestingly now they dont remember nothing about that period but that nobody helped them and they were poor victims. Self protection?

Who knows. Thanks for the links. Nice flashbacks.

It didnt helped me that much, but I wont make fun of you or try to hurt you for trying to help. I wont neither open a post so others can coment abour how useless was your link.

I guess that means that I am not depressed.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I couldn't engage with the first link as it is too bright and busy - and very angular. I did try...
However, the second link (to The Guardian article) shows quite succinctly how, sometimes, all we need is to be heard. I can identify with that, although in my case, I grew to be the listener my self.

I was worried about that. I promise it wasn't like that when I first read it a few years ago. Here are better versions:

Part 1
Part 2

As I was reading my mind went back to when both my parents were depressed. I remind trying to help them, what did not worked.

Then I also read that all I needed to do was listening to them. So I tried, the took the chance to talk bad about everything and everybody, including myself. How bad soon I was, how less did I cared for them, how much damage I had caused to them, how I was wasting my life, etc...

At that time I was not aware that they was behaving at me as nicely or better that how they was behaving at themselves, so they was actually loving me as much as themselves, which was actually quite catholic on their part.

So I ended telling them that as their brains were not working properly I was not taking their words seriously, and that I could help with practical things like doing the shopping.

But I was being hurt by them, so soon after I left their home and started living on my own.

Interestingly now they dont remember nothing about that period but that nobody helped them and they were poor victims. Self protection?

Who knows. Thanks for the links. Nice flashbacks.

It didnt helped me that much, but I wont make fun of you or try to hurt you for trying to help. I wont neither open a post so others can coment abour how useless was your link.

I guess that means that I am not depressed.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to care for a person with depression, and I think you made the right choice to leave when you could. It is genuinely very, very difficult to see someone you deeply care about hurt themselves or others (including you). I think my comment came across as prescriptive when it should have been more humble. It was helpful in my situation to change my approach, but it isn't always feasible, and sometimes it is best to simply let go, or maybe something else will help. I can tell you straight out that listening didn't really help with the depression, it just made it more bearable and didn't actively make things worse. I sometimes found excuses so that I could leave the conversation to recover. In many ways, I also feel relieved that it's over specifically because I don't need to worry about her as much.

I know we discussed this in another thread, but I don't think depression or other mental or physical health problems excuse you for behaving like an arse. They might explain it, yes, but I don't think they make you justified to behave badly and make others feel bad. I have myself stepped away from people like that, even if it wasn't the most compassionate response possible.

Edit: Changed the links to Hyperbole and a half so it would be easier to read.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I was worried about that. I promise it wasn't like that when I first read it a few years ago. Here are better versions:

Part 1
Part 2


I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to care for a person with depression, and I think you made the right choice to leave when you could. It is genuinely very, very difficult to see someone you deeply care about hurt themselves or others (including you). I think my comment came across as prescriptive when it should have been more humble. It was helpful in my situation to change my approach, but it isn't always feasible, and sometimes it is best to simply let go, or maybe something else will help. I can tell you straight out that listening didn't really help with the depression, it just made it more bearable and didn't actively make things worse. I sometimes found excuses so that I could leave the conversation to recover. In many ways, I also feel relieved that it's over specifically because I don't need to worry about her as much.

I know we discussed this in another thread, but I don't think depression or other mental or physical health problems excuse you for behaving like an arse. They might explain it, yes, but I don't think they make you justified to behave badly and make others feel bad. I have myself stepped away from people like that, even if it wasn't the most compassionate response possible.

Your comment was perfect as far as I know, and I appreciate that you cared and took the time to compose and answer trying to help me, including those links.

 

[Alexandria]

I was, and still am, often told certain things when I mentioned to people about being clinically depressed. It usually involved sayings like “Don’t see the glass as half empty but as half full.”, “Things get worse before they get better.”, “Good things come to those who wait.”, and “When you going through Hell, keep going.”
But I was sometimes told harsh sentiments such as “You don’t live in Africa!”, “Quit moping around! That won’t get you anywhere!”, and “Take a chill pill!”

I still struggle to make sense of being told something like “I am sorry you are depressed but don’t give up!” or something similar. Am I being told I should just act like I am not depressed?

Embrace your self.

In my experience, all too often, these things are said because the other person did not understand or did not know how to react. Unfortunately, mental health is still a taboo subject. Perhaps some are subconsciously asking you to hide your depression as they feel uncomfortable around you for reasons such as these.

I've been where you are, and eventually (and at a very young age) came to talk to no one about anything of a personal nature - about my fears or feelings - these were locked up tight inside and I became unable to express my inner (personal) feelings in any way except through anger. This was not by conscious choice - this was because one 'silly' little thing would trigger all that which had built up over the years - whether those past issues were related or not.

And. I. broke. down...

In the process of rebuilding myself I began to listen to my self; as others would not listen or could not listen without interjections (pretty much like the ones you have described) that were unrelated to my thoughts and feelings and moved me away from a line of thought that may have been otherwise heading towards resolution.

Listening to the self without judgement - setting one's thoughts and feelings apart from the self and just listening - and accepting what you feel and hear as valid can be enlightening and bring about a sense of freedom - of relief - which very often brings about resolution - and a sense of being at peace with oneself. That in itself can begin to move the self onto a different path - one that most often heads away from that part of the shadow, because it has been integrated into one's conscious being. In this manner, the cause of one's (particular) 'unease' very often dissipates leaving room for personal growth and understanding to rise up in its place.

All that being said, my story is not your story. Your ways and means - your needs - will not be the same as mine, and so, I do hope that you come to find your own listener (whomsoever that may be) and that, once shared, you come to experience the freedom (the peacefulness) that such release can bring.

 

[Alexandria]

I was worried about that. I promise it wasn't like that when I first read it a few years ago. Here are better versions:

Part 1
Part 2

How thoughtful. Thank you.

 

[Rodafina]

It sounds like people don't know what to say so they're offering whatever trite cliche comes to mind first.

I also think that they try to help without knowing what would be helpfull.

I see that they are feeling bad and need help, but dont know what to do to help.

@Markness,
I, too, have been told many of the things that you mentioned, and I think some people here have a good point like @Atrapa Almas and @Fino above. It is true, well intentioned people may want to help us, and they have no idea what to say, especially on the second and the third and the fourth time they are trying to tell us some thing.

I have lots of problems with these clichés as well, but perhaps we should not take them for their literal meaning and the words that they are. Perhaps these platitudes are just sure signs to us that someone cares and someone is trying to comfort us. Although the sayings are trite, I believe it is the intentions that we should absorb from these interactions. There is potential to take a feeling of being cared for, even if wholly misunderstood, away from the conversation.

I think that those who do not understand depression personally are ill equipped to offer support and yet on the other hand, those who understand depression personally may have trouble offering anything more than “I understand because I am that way too.” This can feel good, to be validated, but rarely does it cure depressive symptoms.

Perhaps, the “ideal support“ would be someone who has experienced severe depression, but has overcome it, so to speak. They have either learned to live with it or have quelled those feelings altogether. Typically when these people are offering their opinions my mind automatically assumes there are huge puzzle pieces that they found that I have never been able to acquire.

But maybe that’s what I’m here doing – talking to you all. Looking for the puzzle pieces. Either looking for the pieces or for the tools to make my own pieces and complete this dang puzzle at last.

@Markness, It is likely that silence and avoidance come from those who do not care. These confusing and unhelpful clichés that are shared with us, well, they are simply the proof that someone cares. For me, this is very helpful and combative toward depression.

 

[Rodafina]

Nowadays, I try to be supportive and listen, but I don't give any advice to people suffering from severe mental health issues, or really "help" directly. I do let them know that they can contact me if they need help or want to talk however.

This sounds like the best approach, but it also takes great strength and often a difficult learning curve to get to this point. I can only imagine that your use of the term “nowadays“ reflects your acceptance and learning over the years.

It makes sense that the instinct is to actively try to help a loved one who is experiencing depression - to put every ounce of effort into fighting when putting energy and effort into quieter and more subtle things may be a stronger way to fight. Listening, standing by, and working so hard to understand… these are beautiful gifts to someone like myself when she is feeling down.

 

[Rodafina]

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to care for a person with depression

Anyone who is not ready to hear this – please turn away now. @Markness, we are lovable and worthy, but what I am about to say, may sound harsh…

@Stuttermabolur, I think you are absolutely right here and this is an important point. Just look at a Atrapa Almas’ story with his parents… Certainly children should not be expected to bear their parents’ depression. Nor should partners, siblings, or friends.

So yes, we, the depressed, are hurting and in a positive and very lucid state of mind, I can say that we are totally worthy of receiving support and being offered compassion and gentleness. We are worth that.

Nevertheless, no matter how intensely inwardly we feel our pain, we must consider the impact it has on others. Although on a visceral level, I often do not believe that my presence in the world has had or will have an impact on anyone, my logical brain can survey the data and evidence gathered across my life and tell me this is untrue. As someone whose brain gets wrapped in depressive traps time and time again, I believe it is upon me to measure how much of this endless sadness I wish to put out into the world.

It has been very important for me to learn to not hold it in, but letting it ALL out also isn’t necessarily the best path for me. I’m just saying that while it is extremely important to have outlets for talking about and expressing pain that we feel, it is also okay to sit quietly with some of it. Some of this pain truly does come from erroneous thinking in the brain, if we are very honest… or at least, I can say, in my case it does.

Each case of “depression“ is going to be different, but in theory, someone who experiences depression does understand hurt and pain and does not like it. So, if these are our values, we should also strive to neither hurt nor cause pain to others, too.

It is our duty to protect the world from our dark thinking, to some extent. I’m hesitant to put this statement out there, and it could be dangerous for someone who does not have an outlet to express themselves. But, for some of us who have tackled this from every angle and the depression, persists, I do believe it is our duty to balance that with the goodness in the world, because there absolutely is some. For us to get lost in sadness and truly ignore and forget about the good things in the world is so very selfish and close minded - neither of these things are ones which I value or want to be.

Maybe ultimately, that is what people mean by
“suck it up” or “get over it.”

If we have lived 40 some odd years or more (or less) and the depression has not resolved then, yes, indeed, we must learn to just live with it and suck it up sometimes because no one will be well if we drag the world down with us. I’m not talking to anybody specifically here, except maybe myself, and the ether of the world.

@Markness, if you are still reading, please know I am definitely not talking about you and I hope I didn’t derail your thread too
much.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I would not know what to do. I would just bottle up emotions like that and not talk to anybody about them. So I guess I'm here to listen.

 

[SusanLR]

I keep those type of emotions bottled up also.
Not because I feel I should because it will bring others down. As I don't feel
it does.
It annoys them to hear other people's problems. Thus the old cliches come out.
It is more of an attempt to make you shut up than anything.
They don't care and don't want to hear about it.
That may sound harsh, but it is how I see about 90% of the population.

Yes, we can talk with therapists about most anything, but how many really care?
It's a job. A lucrative one at that.
Of course, they listen, even if they fall asleep doing so. And I've actually had
a few do that. Because they are getting good payment to listen. So, they do.
They won't give you cliches. They'll give you a textbook assignment to do which
may or may not help.

The one thing depression wants, the world isn't capable of giving. Love.
Love is expressed in more sincere actions.
Listening, showing concern and expressing care.
Strangers, acquaintances, and therapists aren't going to feel this.
Some family members, friends and partners might.
If you see they don't, might as well put a plug in it.
Their words and actions will tell their true feelings.

 

[Rodafina]

Yes, we can talk with therapists about most anything, but how many really care?

Maybe it is their expertise and training and access to textbooks that are helpful in these situations rather than their care. My best therapists treated me like an interesting project, and we had some successes. Some of my worst therapists felt so caring and compassionate, real or not, that it just turned in to a poor me party and we got nowhere.

It's a job. A lucrative one at that.

Yes. Not always!

In the USA, I’ve been paid very poorly to be a therapist for poor folks and children. The real money is in treating those who also have money.

But your point stands. No matter how supposedly compassionate a therapist is, it is absolutely true that it is their job. They are not your friend and if they become one, they are breaking rules of the therapist club.

The one thing depression wants, the world isn't capable of giving. Love….
…Love is expressed in more sincere actions.
Listening, showing concern and expressing care.
If you see they don't, might as well put a plug in it.
Their words and actions will tell their true feelings.

Just wanted to comment that this is so interesting the way you wrote it, and I appreciate what you’ve said here.

 

[Rodafina]

This was not by conscious choice - this was because one 'silly' little thing would trigger all that which had built up over the years - whether those past issues were related or not.

You remind me of an important thing here that I always try to deny. If I bottle things up as some have mentioned here, it finds a way out, usually with violent sadness directed toward myself, and this becomes very dangerous. At least an occasionally accessible outlet for releasing some of these feelings is a matter of survival for me.

But, I am not saying my way is any better… to those who keep it in, our ways are just different, and my “ways“ are constantly changing over time.

 

[Alexandria]

You remind me of an important thing here that I always try to deny. If I bottle things up as some have mentioned here, it finds a way out, usually with violent sadness directed toward myself, and this becomes very dangerous. At least an occasionally accessible outlet for releasing some of these feelings is a matter of survival for me.

But, I am not saying my way is any better… to those who keep it in, our ways are just different, and my “ways“ are constantly changing over time.

Yes. I fully understand those concerns, @Rodafina - I too operate on that level of understanding, although it wasn’t always so. I have never undergone therapy and feel an aversion even now towards having to speak to anyone about my inner being or my life experiences, impromptu. My father had a very bad breakdown when I was a teenager. He was in a mental institution for a long time and had to endure all sorts of therapy…

But back to the subject itself.

Apart from the mental and emotional strain that it can bring, research has shown that there is a very real correlation between holding in our mental &/or emotional pain and the development of some physical ailments.

Here's a link that some may find useful, to a brief but concise article, from verywellmind.com:

The Dangers of Bottling Up Our Emotions