Wow
@Strong and kind, Margaret Mitchell couldn't have been more eloquent. The world needs more people like you.
I'm in my forties, pure AS, with a highly dramatic and emotional NT husband and unfortunately, I have to confess, I was your ex-boyfriend. I acted exactly like him and I even sent that exact text to a boyfriend at university. I didn't understand the way my brain worked back then, I didn't recognize what was happening and I definitely had no control over any of it. Now, I am half tempted to contact my ex boyfriends and apologize.
Maybe on this forum, we can help explain what just happened to you.
There are a number of things at work, essentially the aspie brain takes in a lot of information, a billion small details. He can probably draw the exact pattern of your bathroom tiles but doesn't remember what colour your eyes are. He would probably be able to trace a complex web of family lineage but not remember your last name. He also didn't have the foggiest idea why your emotions were oscillating in the extremes when his were flat lining.
This will build up and up and up until the aspie reaches shutdown. This can be a panic attack, or freezing up, or screaming. Now I can see my shutdowns coming days in advance so I make an effort to take myself somewhere quiet and process the patterns of the bathroom tiles, but back then I did not.
Instead I threw crockery. Nice white crockery too. Not at anyone, not to hurt anyone, just to vent, just to hear the smash. It's like a hard drive filling up, once my brain is at capacity I have to defragment it, clean it up, I have to process the information or I will just keep failing.
Back then I ran away, a lot, from every argument. I did once have two boyfriends but not on purpose and I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone, my brain just couldn't sort out the correct relationship dynamics so I just sort of clammed up until it blew up in my face.
Having space is a big part of coping. But my NT husband continually misunderstands this. He thinks that I need space away from him. Sadly he doesn't even factor in, it is never about him. It is just my brain needing to process everything. I now do this by writing stories, then all the jumble sorts itself out and order is restored.
You don't judge, you try to understand, that is amazing. The real tragedy here is that he doesn't know what he lost.
However, I have observed that people have a type. My drama queen of a husband was always attracted to logical, almost robotic girls. And I was attracted to, well emotional people but then the aspie logic plays a factor and I did of course consider genetic compatibility and a logistical skills match. Love is an interesting twist but certainly no where near the top of my priorities, as far as my aspie brain goes, love is learned behaviour, sorry, I know NTs have trouble fathoming that. But when it happens (eventually, sometimes 5 years into a relationship), I am perfectly capable of a deep and strong love that has grown over time. I just keep it tightly controlled and I will never be able to explain or express it.
So if your next boyfriend is an emotionally challenged aspie or your last boyfriend wakes up and realizes how much he has lost then we are all here for you, to support you and to explain the bizarre behaviour
All the best! xxx
Very helpful and informative reply in explaining how an Aspie mind can work, so thanks for this post. I can see now why it would be so difficult for those with that condition to feel love and the same things that NTs feel, and why Aspies do as they do for situations that NTs would not expect.
I myself used to wonder long ago what would make the best long term relationship. Would it be one giver and one taker, two givers, or two takers. By giving and taking I do not mean gifts, but efforts, sacrifices, the amount of time to help one with their needs, and the like. And I still do not have a perfect answer, as so many variables come into play.
I mean, I am sure the the taker would love the giver, but could that giver be really fulfilled? But maybe two givers with each other could be discomforting in a few ways as it is like a really strong friendship but one or both preferring more challenges or compatible differences. Two takers could be though good, as they would not mess with nice others.
If had to choose I would pick the two really nice persons being together, and not one with way more needs than the other. As much as empathetic persons love to give, they deserve to receive as well, and feel understood, respected, appreciated and loved. Short term, two opposites, one empathetic and one apathetic or selfish, could work, but not long term.
By having two givers together, each of their needs could be met, in a loving and not selfish way. And if each was lacking in some trait or ability, they could help that other, or together achieve that.
Women often assume though that a guy who has strong empathy is weak. That is not necessarily true. Yes, a few could cry easily, and be sensitive too much, or act not strong emotionally. However, that is a myth that empathy shows up just in that way.
There are other empathetic guys who do not cry lots or feel too much pain, and that do not worry a whole lot or need a lot. They can be stronger than even the strongest looking and toughest of guys, who often can be in more need.
The strong guys with empathy that I am talking about are the ones that persevered in life, and have learned so much in life. They can have great understanding and caring abilities, because of how they were raised or genetics, or both, and thrive under pressure. But, they also have a very logical side, too. That is me now.
That was not always how I was, as through my twenties I got bothered by criticism and rejection, and tried to please all. If I did not get the same reaction or have many friends I took it personally. The last fifteen years, through my own self-help efforts, I have become way more positive and hardly ever worry, and I focus on just my efforts, and my self-esteem is healthy, and not too low or too inflated.
I am not talking about anyone here, but I think many women in general maybe see the guy who is big and brawny, and very confident from the surface, as strong. That is not necessarily true. Yes, they could maybe physically protect you from harm, if they were not the abusive types, and if they had courage there, but equally, they could just want mainly sex, or not share feelings well, or have little self-motivation, insight, or patience, not help in the other needed strength ways..
Knowledge is power they say, and I fully believe that. Not just book knowledge necessarily, but the emotional intelligence I am mostly referring about. That is different than being emotional I feel. One can be very emotionally gifted as a man, but not be overly sensitive from the surface. They can sense people's emotional needs well and react accordingly. And the amount of words one says, or the actual words says, should not show love and strength, but the quality, heartfelt sincerity, and efforts.
Personally, with regards to long term relationships, I think for me though a more extroverted and introverted person can sometimes be good, too, if they had equal strengths and needs, and I think it could be a little harder for two really shy introverts, or two really outgoing extroverts, and especially if they had not the same interests, as it seems like not enough of their needs could be met or not enough listening or understanding. That is just a generalization though, as people are in relationships for all different reasons.
Sorry if I went on a tangent. I just related to your post about different personality types, and whether they are seen as a success for a relationship, or with ongoing difficulty.
