Trying to understand...

[Ronald Zeeman]

He is probably fairly bright, so wanted to get diagnosed, as an Aspie, not to his true self.

 

[Tom]

...My typical reaction to the lies are alot of tears and an incessant line of questioning that continues for days because my brain cannot make sense of the things he does...

Just want to say you can only really have control over what you do. You can't change him. He has to change him (assuming the change is possible). The approach you have mentioned above (quoted) is unlikely to help matters and may make them worse.

Money matters is the number 1 conflict in marriages statistically, or at least was, last time I looked at it. So you are not alone. The autism I should say does not cause overspending, and as mentioned before does not cause lying. It often affects social and communication skills however. Few or no close friends is common.

If you try and fix something and it doesn't work, especially after numerous tries, you should consider another approach. Marriage counciling sounds cliche but can and has worked. A objective, knowledgable person injected into the conversation might help.

 

[LadyS]

Thank you so much for replying! His lies range from financial (impulse spending) to smoking (which I've never said anything to him about since I am a light smoker myself) to leaving me out of family functions. He has 3 grown kids from a previous marriage, all of whom have minimal relationships with him (and me). If he doesn't make the effort to see or speak to them, they rarely reach out to him. My husband literally has no friends, he has co-workers, but no one to hang out with except me. I have given up almost everything I believe in to stay with him and work on the horrible communication issues, the trust issues from lying and try to show him support. If anyone has changed in 16 years, it's been me because I'm the one who has sacrificed basic needs in a marriage (trust, comfort, support). If all of these years don't show him my love and support, I dont know what will. My typical reaction to the lies are alot of tears and an incessant line of questioning that continues for days because my brain cannot make sense of the things he does. His reasons never make logical sense, and he agrees. The conflict avoidance seems to be the most reasonable explanation but no matter how I handle the situation, it doesn't change his behavior, so maybe he just doesn't have the ability to connect the words with the actions, I just don't know how to handle this.

I agree with @Tom that maybe the reactions may not necessarily help, especially hounding with questions. Also that this isn't really related to Autism either. It sounds like a problem that he needs to fix for you and himself. It sounds harsh but maybe giving him an ultimatum might give him a jump start? There could be something from his past, some event(s) that could explain such compulsive behavior.

 

[Crossbreed]

@WhyMe, if autism is an accurate diagnosis, I would seek out an autism-competent counselor. They could talk to him in ways that he understands and better translate to you.

Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes- a defensive lie is just a lie in sheep's clothing. Lol

A defensive lie is not intended to harm, its intent is to protect the self from harm. A malicious lie is intended to harm. A defensive lie can cause harm but that isn't the intent. It comes from a place of fear and not hate or cruelty. In my book, intent matters.

I'll forgive a defensive but every time it happens without a damn good reason the person's character drops in my estimation until I decide they are completely useless.

Of course, there are other types of lies. There are even good lies that I'd applaud.

For me to forgive a malicious lie requires a personality change and voluntary atonement.

 

[OkRad]

Since you are the only one bothered by his behaviour, you have some serious decisions to make.

 

[Au Naturel]

Thank you so much for replying! His lies range from financial (impulse spending) to smoking (which I've never said anything to him about since I am a light smoker myself) to leaving me out of family functions. He has 3 grown kids from a previous marriage, all of whom have minimal relationships with him (and me). If he doesn't make the effort to see or speak to them, they rarely reach out to him. My husband literally has no friends, he has co-workers, but no one to hang out with except me. I have given up almost everything I believe in to stay with him and work on the horrible communication issues, the trust issues from lying and try to show him support. If anyone has changed in 16 years, it's been me because I'm the one who has sacrificed basic needs in a marriage (trust, comfort, support). If all of these years don't show him my love and support, I dont know what will. My typical reaction to the lies are alot of tears and an incessant line of questioning that continues for days because my brain cannot make sense of the things he does. His reasons never make logical sense, and he agrees. The conflict avoidance seems to be the most reasonable explanation but no matter how I handle the situation, it doesn't change his behavior, so maybe he just doesn't have the ability to connect the words with the actions, I just don't know how to handle this.

Sometimes you just have to walk away. What do you gain by staying with him?

 

[VictorR]

I'm not a psychologist nor a counselor, and even if I was, there isn't enough information here to work with since we only have one side of the story here.

Something that I'd like you to think about (and don't feel obligated to answer) is why you married your current spouse to start with. Some of the things you mention seem like they would have been well established parts of their personality and interactions at the time you met and dated them. But yet there was something causing you to overlook them, and to marry them despite them. What was that? And is that something which you still value or cherish?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you so much for replying! His lies range from financial (impulse spending) to smoking (which I've never said anything to him about since I am a light smoker myself) to leaving me out of family functions. He has 3 grown kids from a previous marriage, all of whom have minimal relationships with him (and me). If he doesn't make the effort to see or speak to them, they rarely reach out to him. My husband literally has no friends, he has co-workers, but no one to hang out with except me. I have given up almost everything I believe in to stay with him and work on the horrible communication issues, the trust issues from lying and try to show him support. If anyone has changed in 16 years, it's been me because I'm the one who has sacrificed basic needs in a marriage (trust, comfort, support). If all of these years don't show him my love and support, I dont know what will. My typical reaction to the lies are alot of tears and an incessant line of questioning that continues for days because my brain cannot make sense of the things he does. His reasons never make logical sense, and he agrees. The conflict avoidance seems to be the most reasonable explanation but no matter how I handle the situation, it doesn't change his behavior, so maybe he just doesn't have the ability to connect the words with the actions, I just don't know how to handle this.

Very sad to hear. You must feel so rejected by him. That should not continue, and, regardless, I hope you will get counseling. My spouse felt rejected by her first husband and needed counseling.