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Turning 35 this August

Gerald Wilgus said:
I relate to your idea that an accepting partner will help them grow, but they need to be minimally competent to get somebody to stick around to understand their positives. Part of that is being able to reflect a positive enjoyment of life and I do not see that at all. Instead, @Markness channels being a wind sock, subject to what he thinks others believe about him, rather than being internally driven.
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I totally agree. My suggestion were to show them a road that they might not have thought about. End could hopefully help them better themselves on the way. The first and hardest steps need to be made on your own. A relationship cannot be about one person. But it might help them te rest of the way.
But I agree they need to work on themselves first. And the things you mention are major things in that development.
 
Rodafina said:
@Markness,
This is a bit off topic, but do you enjoy celebrating your birthday? If so, are you making any plans for August?

I like to go away to a quiet place if I can, for pensive time with my mutt.
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I enjoyed them when the relatives I like came around. They no longer do that. I always take vacation time on my birthdays.
 
I’ll be 40 next year and I have felt ashamed for being single and unaccomplished. Therapy is helping me accept who I am. I had a silent absent judging parent and a screaming heartfelt caring parent. My caring parent would have to give me multiple choice questions to see how I was - get nowhere until I was in the fetal position crying while she screamed. It’s starting to get better as I learn to accept that me and my 2 now divorced parents are on the spectrum. I don’t see my Dad and it’s ok because he can’t handle my moods or people in general. Mom still screams but we are working things out and my diagnosis explains why things were so tough when I was growing up. Nothing excuses verbal abuse though but I forgive her because of her horrible childhood and PTSD.
 
midlifeiris said:
I’ll be 40 next year and I have felt ashamed for being single and unaccomplished. Therapy is helping me accept who I am. I had a silent absent judging parent and a screaming heartfelt caring parent. My caring parent would have to give me multiple choice questions to see how I was - get nowhere until I was in the fetal position crying while she screamed. It’s starting to get better as I learn to accept that me and my 2 now divorced parents are on the spectrum. I don’t see my Dad and it’s ok because he can’t handle my moods or people in general. Mom still screams but we are working things out and my diagnosis explains why things were so tough when I was growing up. Nothing excuses verbal abuse though but I forgive her because of her horrible childhood and PTSD.
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Sometimes progress and healing are messy. Not always linear, and not always lovely. I’m glad you are gaining understanding and honor your commitment to accepting who you are and understanding your past.

I am 42 and feel like life is just beginning after learning about autism and reconciling with my past.
 
Rodafina said:
Sometimes progress and healing are messy. Not always linear, and not always lovely. I’m glad you are gaining understanding and honor your commitment to accepting who you are and understanding your past.

I am 42 and feel like life is just beginning after learning about autism and reconciling with my past.
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Thank you!!
 
I am at the age where most people are either married or at least in long term relationships. I’ve done a lot of things to meet a partner for the last decade and it feels like a dark cloud is always over my head while others doing the same things succeed. All four of my siblings are married and have children while I don’t even date despite my efforts. I am worried that either time is running out or maybe it already has since I turned 34.
 
Your feelings are 100% valid, and I'm sorry you're going through that. With that said, time has absolutely not run out yet for any of us, so there's still room to make your life more livable and enjoyable. Even if you were 95 and in good health I would be saying the same thing, so in comparison to that scenario that I just made up, that gives you an extra 60 years!
 
Markness said:
I wish my birthdays were actually happy.
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I’m not trying to minimize your feelings, but I think displeasure at birthdays is quite common. The expectations for having each birthday be somehow very special can be unattainable.

I think only very lucky young children actually get to see their expectations realized. For so many, a birthday is a nothing day, a sad day, or a mark of disappointments. It is simply not happy for many many people.

I would say, choose another day that has nothing to do with your birthday and marks some kind of thing that you are actually proud of and happy about. Celebrate that instead. Reclaim the day. Forget birthdays.

My birthday stresses me out because of all the attention, and I do not enjoy anything about it. Now, the day, right after my birthday is my sobriety anniversary, so I have a new reason to celebrate. It has nothing to do with birthday festivities, though, it is just a very private inner celebration.

Among the elders that I work with, all in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, birthdays seem to mean very little to them. None of them particularly enjoy it, and they just deal with the people around them who wish to make a big deal out of it. Most of them say they’ve seen enough birthdays, and there are other days that are more special.
 
What do I need to do in order to have a loving partner come into my life? I am turning 35 soon and I don’t even date so I fear that time is running out for me.
 
You have tried everything that I have tried and nothing has worked.

I also avoid some disasters before they even started like even considering online dating.

I wish I knew what to do myself. The advice giving here is not so great as we tried it. It worked for them as they are married, but not for us.
 
@Markness and @Tony Ramirez

Give up the quest!

Not because you are unworthy or because I think you will never get a girlfriend, but just because it drives both of you nuts. Just stop worrying about it for a while, live your life and forget about girls.

Paradoxically, this may be the thing that leads you toward a real relationship.

Stop driving yourself mad. Only you can do this for yourself.

PS: In the spirit of absolute clarity, I care about you guys and your happiness. I’m not dissing you, just wishing that you could live a happy life and be freed from terrible cycles of sadness and frustration because of girls.
 
i learned to 'cut me some slack', that i know i can't perform the same way as 'normal people' sometimes, society runs with social people and i am horrible at that, so i recognize i may need to seek my sense of accomplishment elsewhere and not with comparing myself with what NT people do.
 
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