Understanding body language/touching

[aspieandconfused_87]

Hello!
Recently, a man I know got upset with me. He was constantly trying to touch me, specially in the waist area and face. I honestly don't like that. I kept on moving away and he didn't seem to get it. He approached again and I just yelled at him asking him why he was always trying to touch me. As soon as I yelled, he froze and almost immediately walked away saying: ok, I get it.
We recently talked but he seems to be uncomfortable. I have thought maybe it is better if I stop talking to him (as always happens ).
I don't go to parties to avoid something that is very frequent: body contact without permission. I remember I would ask people to avoid attempting to hug me or bury their faces on my neck. Now I never set foot in those places. I even remember one of them reacting in the worst way and everyone looking at us (he was drunk) and my brother warning him to stay away. It's been more than a year and If I get invited to that specific place, I decline.
But, I have been wondering: Am I missing an important part of life? Am I exaggerating? I am worried because all of this inevitably leads to isolation. My ex used to say I didn't love him enough. I eventually got really anxious and decided to end the relationship. I just didn't feel like hugging a lot.
Finally, is there a way to learn how to enjoy FREQUENT contact? Is it hard for anyone to express love through touching?

Unwanted touching isn't appropriate or acceptable in any circumstances, it is unfortunate it came to yelling for them to get the hint, but I am thinking maybe your signs of discomfort where too subtle for him to notice or he just thought you are playing hard to get.

I would personally say touching is nice when wanted and in the right amounts, especially from someone you are attracted to and/or romantically interested in, I used to be a bit more touchy feely when I was in my teenage years, but generally my advances were accepted and appropriate for the situation (I was usually on a date with a girl and moment felt right), but now as an adult dating I am very hesitant to touch anyone unless it is very obvious it is wanted from me, to high a risk of sexual harassment and the like happening in this day and age especially in say a work environment. So for me say a female work colleague initiated a hug or some other physical interaction while I would be a little caught off guard I wouldn't have a problem with it especially if she was attractive, but even then I wouldn't assume that it would be appropriate to start touching her, besides that would be a unprofessional generally speaking.

Sorry got a little off topic, anyways if you are uncomfortable with touch just be vocal about it but in a nice way, just say something, sorry I don't really like to be touched and most normal people will understand and respect that, and in the case of a romantic situation or a date just let them know that you want to keep the PDA to a minimum or you initiate the physical interaction when you feel comfortable or just tell the guy when you want him to touch you, guys are really bad in general on picking up signs from girls.

For me personally cuddling is very cute and warm and gives me a really nice feeling, hugging in moderation is nice, and holding hands is also really nice as well, again in moderation, but if you are always standoffish and don't let a partner or romantic interest have physical contact with you it will make it very difficult for you to have a successful relationship as it will be difficult for them to bond with you and feel close to you, the other option is to find someone to date who is also not a fan of touch, maybe another aspie?

Just be open and clear about what you want and what you are comfortable with, my best suggestion is try it out with someone you are close to or like and see how things go.

Best,

Brent

 

[Tom]

With a partner/mate communication about it is the key. That is the main way things are worked out.

With family & friends trying to learn to accept typical social touching is a good idea. So much easier to just do it then having to explain why not all the time.

With strangers unwelcome touching communication is important again. That is communicating 'no, it is not alright' as soon as possible. I wouldn't be overly concerned about hurting their feelings. They are ignoring yours.

 

[Pondering]

The thing about touch is that it is a non-verbal communication between two people - the giver (of affection) and the recipient (of affection). Used correctly, the giver and the recipient forge a very real, unique, and highly-connective bond associated with emotional warmth and trust. Used incorrectly, however, and it becomes a serious respect issue. But it goes both ways. It is the giver's job to make sure of whether or not his/her affection is well-received. But it is also the recipient's job to convey his/her level of comfort with receiving affection. If the giver does not respond to the signs that his/her recipient did not receive a touch well, the receiver may need to respectfully but firmly convey his/her disapproval to the giver, verbally.

Also, where and how often the giver touches the recipient depends on a number of things:

1) how well two individuals have known each other.
2) how long two individuals have known each other.
3) clearly-established and respected boundaries between giver and recipient (whether conveyed verbally or non-verbally)


Okay, so I know this forum isn't about being popular, but this video does a good job on covering the topic of touch and affection, in case any of you were interested. The the segment of the video that discusses touch begins at 5 minutes and 33 seconds in:

 

[Judge]

In my world, "boundaries" Count. My mother could touch me without asking. So could a girlfriend.

Pretty much everyone else, it would be a violation of my personal space. And just a matter of what the circumstances were as to whether or not I would shrug it off, or say something.

Women hitting on me in real time? Awkward. Approach me with caution!

 

[Adora]

I don’t like when someone suddenly cuddles me and I do feel awkward cuddling others but saying that I do love my cuddles from my husband and they are always welcome.

 

[Tesseract]

I think perhaps autistic people are more uncomfortable with casual touching because it's harder for us to discern what is meant by it.

Exactly, I could not agree more, and if someone responds to our attempts to explain why lecherous behaviour is not acceptable to us by becoming "offended", well, that's just too bad for them. We don't actually owe anyone an explanation for why we are the way we are, and it is unreasonable for people (especially relative strangers) to expect us to be like them when it comes to being touched. The unnamed man mentioned by 'Sara3' sounds like a complete creep. I would not have anything at all to do with a person like that, a person who couldn't accept (and respect) my personal boundaries.

 

[Tesseract]

Women hitting on me in real time? Awkward.

They do this to you? I'm jealous!

Seriously though, I've encountered some really odd (to me) behaviour from women over the years, and they've said some really weird things as well. For example, one of them who works at a restaurant I go to often once told me that, "You look really unusual, but in a good way", which left me completely baffled. I have no idea what she meant by this, and I didn't have the sense to ask her at the time. I just thought she was engaging in "small talk" (which I have no clue about either).

 

[Judge]

They do this to you? I'm jealous!

Seriously though, I've encountered some really odd (to me) behaviour from women over the years, and they've said some really weird things as well. For example, one of them who works at a restaurant I go to often once told me that, "You look really unusual, but in a good way", which left me completely baffled. I have no idea what she meant by this, and I didn't have the sense to ask her at the time. I just thought she was engaging in "small talk" (which I have no clue about either).

I just don't understand complete strangers coming over and violating my personal space and thinking nothing of it. Social or sexual intent is not enough to entitle one to do this, but clearly under certain circumstances it happens anyways.

 

[Sara3]

I was thinking a lot about this issue these days. I think I am asociating contact with pain and being scared. It is just than I had an awful experience as a girl. And another one when I was 19. Also, I felt physical pain in certain circumstances (because of an illness) during the past year.

But today I was with my niece who is so little and adorable. I barely see her, but I just looked at her and opened my arms and she looked at me smiling. I said (in spanish): give me a hug. And she hugged me for a moment and it was nice because she has these little hands and even laughed lol. I feel very happy thinking about it.

 

[Sara3]

The thing about touch is that it is a non-verbal communication between two people - the giver (of affection) and the recipient (of affection). Used correctly, the giver and the recipient forge a very real, unique, and highly-connective bond associated with emotional warmth and trust. Used incorrectly, however, and it becomes a serious respect issue. But it goes both ways. It is the giver's job to make sure of whether or not his/her affection is well-received. But it is also the recipient's job to convey his/her level of comfort with receiving affection. If the giver does not respond to the signs that his/her recipient did not receive a touch well, the receiver may need to respectfully but firmly convey his/her disapproval to the giver, verbally.

Also, where and how often the giver touches the recipient depends on a number of things:

1) how well two individuals have known each other.
2) how long two individuals have known each other.
3) clearly-established and respected boundaries between giver and recipient (whether conveyed verbally or non-verbally)


Okay, so I know this forum isn't about being popular, but this video does a good job on covering the topic of touch and affection, in case any of you were interested. The video discusses touch 5 minutes and 33 seconds in:

Wow, that video has really interesting tips. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[Pondering]

Wow, that video has really interesting tips. Thanks for sharing it.

You're welcome.

 

[aspieandconfused_87]

I was thinking a lot about this issue these days. I think I am asociating contact with pain and being scared. It is just than I had an awful experience as a girl. And another one when I was 19. Also, I felt physical pain in certain circumstances (because of an illness) during the past year.

But today I was with my niece who is so little and adorable. I barely see her, but I just looked at her and opened my arms and she looked at me smiling. I said (in spanish): give me a hug. And she hugged me for a moment and it was nice because she has these little hands and even laughed lol. I feel very happy thinking about it.

So happy you had a positive experience!

 

[Sara3]

So happy you had a positive experience!

Yes! Well, what I could notice is that she is cheerful, likes to play a lot, likes to meet other children and seems to enjoy a lot of the things she does. So i think that I can safely approach her and receive/give affection.
I also decided to meet my nephew (more often), who is a little bit older than my niece. However, I will approach him carefully and evaluate if he likes my presence or not, because I have seen him hitting my sister.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we, as adults, never had forgotten how to be children? (at the right times)

 

[Ylva]

Am I missing an important part of life? Am I exaggerating? I am worried because all of this inevitably leads to isolation. My ex used to say I didn't love him enough. I eventually got really anxious and decided to end the relationship. I just didn't feel like hugging a lot.
Finally, is there a way to learn how to enjoy FREQUENT contact? Is it hard for anyone to express love through touching?

No, you're not missing out or exaggerating. I wish I had learned to set boundaries sooner. It's your body, you decide. Men often seem to feel that women's bodies are theirs to touch, just as women often feel that disabled people's bodies are theirs to hug and pet and coo at.

Just because someone has a sensual attraction (i.e. wanting to get tactile) it doesn't give them a right, any more than being sexually attracted gives anyone a right to sex with the person.

To answer your last two questions, I will hug my dog because she has excellent texture, and all hugs with humans are for their benefit and is now restricted to very close family. Literally the only humans I have hugged since New Year's have been my mother and my sister.

You may possibly be able to learn to enjoy a texture (for instance, human skin, no matter how creepy that sounds) by associating good things with the feeling. I learned to enjoy some tastes (*cough* cola *cough*) by imagining the bottle in bright light and thinking happy thoughts while I drank it.

I used to have a dog with coarser fur than my current dog, and I taught myself to tolerate it, because she needed contact too, but I have no idea how. Due to extremely vivid memories, it is however unlikely that I will ever learn to like the feeling of human skin on my face.