Understanding not being understood...

[Chance]

Last night when the game came on (Dallas football) we had a house full of company 2 little boys, and 1 baby. The tv was so loud (too me). I ask once if we could turn it down a little and I was told, "its football, its supposed to be loud." It seems some people forget they are enjoying themselves in my home, that I pay 100% of anything and everything that pertains to it... Including the food they are shoving in their face. But I just stayed nice and calm.

People were talking over the deafening roar, and telling the boys to stop it, screaming "come get some food"... I just quietly got up and went into the office and put on my headphones... I could still hear the roar.

Later I was scolded for being such an ass. I made no scene. I wasn't rude, and I knew I would get chewed on over it, but I just couldn't deal with it.

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said, "What is wrong with you?" When they know exactly what is wrong, but refuse to accept it.

I dont really know what I can do different... People expect me to be like them and at times I simply cant.

I was asked what the hell I was doing anyway? Like I was doing something wrong. I was listening to music. I was actually listening to this song...

I like all types of music but there is something nearly magical with this stuff...
It just has a way to take me away from the crazy and calms me down.

My wife kind of yanked my computer from me as if to inspect what I was up too...
I dont care. I have nothing to hide, but she said something that was pretty hurtful, on top of her forceful intrusion.


She said, "Maybe you should just go be a f---g monk somewhere, you act like one anyway."

I wasn't trying too cause any problems... I was trying very hard not to cause any problems.
People pull this on me an its like an open wound. Its just this problem that has no answer.
They got their stuff off their chest and loaded it on me in the way of ridicule, but now what do I do with it?

This is the same question I have had since I was a kid. Sure I forgive and go on... But how can I just avoid these whole confrontations? I am truly lost in this I guess. I thought it would be gone when I woke up, but its the first thought I had to start what should be a wonderful day.

 

[OkRad]

Omg you r so brave. I let NO ONE in my home but family. I mean no one. They judge judge judge and then give advice.

You are so brave to be married and to let people in to your home!!!! Lightyears from me!!

 

[OkRad]

Ps . Let add it is not that i dislike people but i a a disaster. If someone comes in whomjust pumped gas i smell it for hours or that kind of thing. Sensory. Or maybe i am trying to eat which is hard and they come in. Or maybe i am depressed and trash is everywhere. Dont need some fkr telling me to clean up when i cannot even see it at that time.....hope to move far far away and maybe start drinking just to end it

 

[AGXStarseed]

I'm shocked. Your wife of all people should understand you; for her to act like that is bang out of order just because you wanted to have some alone time.
Also, I agree - this music is really nice.

 

[Crossbreed]

My wife gets contentious like that when she is in the throes(?) of depression. She is better-natured the rest of the time, which leads me to believe that it's the depression talking, not her.

I still don't know how to fix it, but I take some comfort in choosing to believe that it isn't intentional...

 

[Chance]

Omg you r so brave. I let NO ONE in my home but family. I mean no one. They judge judge judge and then give advice.

You are so brave to be married and to let people in to your home!!!! Lightyears from me!!

Maybe so, but wanting to become a hermit fast... I'm not handling it like I used to could.

 

[Chance]

I'm shocked. Your wife of all people should understand you; for her to act like that is bang out of order just because you wanted to have some alone time.
Also, I agree - this music is really nice.

her fuse seems to be getting shorter and shorter with me. She's sexy, beautiful, way out of my league, but overtime my quiet shy guy has worn off. She's extrovert NT, very self focused and pretty dominate. So when she says something she means it. I don't think she is depressed, but she feels oppressed and I am the cause of that... This has happened many times.

If I could reverse time I would run so hard the other way and never look back, BUT I was so happy that this pretty lady liked me and for a long time allowed me to be me. What I never saw was that I was her project. She was going to change me (she even admits this) but she has found she cant, and I can only to a certain degree. So basically I'm her worst mistake and she likes to make it known at times... I think it helps her cope too, just doesn't do much for me, I guess : )

 

[Chance]

Ps . Let add it is not that i dislike people but i a a disaster. If someone comes in whomjust pumped gas i smell it for hours or that kind of thing. Sensory. Or maybe i am trying to eat which is hard and they come in. Or maybe i am depressed and trash is everywhere. Dont need some fkr telling me to clean up when i cannot even see it at that time.....hope to move far far away and maybe start drinking just to end it

I get you... I am a sensory nightmare.
Go off and maybe drink a little if you like, but look for LIFE, not a short end to it.
If I have learned ONE THING in this life its to find a way to dig myself out of those dark holes...
They are traps, please don't let it take you there. LIFE sucks but it can always change and always does. : )

 

[Judge]

Sure I forgive and go on... But how can I just avoid these whole confrontations? I am truly lost in this I guess

The odds of NTs all around you coming to some basic understanding of what autism entails, remain poor at best. I can't say what works for me will work for others. Though to put it succinctly, I simply gave up people.

The lack of stress regarding routine and uncomfortable interactions with others outweighs the occasional sense of loneliness. My "recipe" for retaining my sanity. My bad.

Them: "But you've turned into a hermit!"

Me: "Yeah. Ain't it cool?" Embrace your inner "monk".

 

[Sabrina]

What a nightmare! I would have gone to the bathroom, lock up myself for a while and then go to the crowd with a very sad face, telling them that I was feeling horrible, probably diarrhea, and that they had to excuse me, but I had to get in my bed. In my bedroom I would smile to myself, grab those headphones (they sound pretty cool by the way), and turn on Netflix, or read a book.

I think you guys have too different lifestyles, maybe incompatible. Maybe it's a good idea to follow her advice, go live somewhere else, it's better to be alone than with someone that doesn't appreciate you.

 

[Mia]

If I could reverse time I would run so hard the other way and never look back, BUT I was so happy that this pretty lady liked me and for a long time allowed me to be me. What I never saw was that I was her project.

Ouch, that's really hard to live with, thinking this 'pretty lady' came down off her pedestal and deigned to live with you. Lots of women and men navigate the world believing they are better than their partners. She's not, you have just as much worth as she does, no one is better. I experienced this growing up, between my parents.

Relationships and marriages eventually become two people who need to accept one another on the same level. It goes both ways. Here's what happened to me, and what I did to help make my relationship function well, and work.

Note: When I wrote this, I had lived all of my life in the NT world. It was not until later that I found that I had many traits related to being on the spectrum.

Negotiating needs between AS/NT partners

 

[Spencer Carr]

First, the topic at hand, if you ever have a party or situation like that, do not let yourself escape it. For your own sanity your home needs to be a safe space for you. If you enjoy having people over for game night, fantastic, but don't let them make you a prisoner there.

I was with a girl for 7 years and I had been in a very similar situation. When we went to events together, while I'm oddly socially hungry for an aspie, I still had to stay towards the outskirts of the larger louder parts of a party. I can handle thousands of people being in one spot, as long as I can hear what's going on around me. Turn the volume to 11 and I'm a cat under a couch.

We had a very "Belle and the Beast" situation. Two people who get along, but one is trying to improve the other instead of accepting who I am and loving me for it. My current partner understands that I won't be going to concerts or loud parties, and if they want to, by all means go independently.

A partner shouldn't just accept you though. They should also back you up. If your get together is too loud, and you ask to keep it to a dull roar, they should be backing you up. If this problem is constant you need to be able to be safe enough too approach her, your wife, and ask for support. Not support in changing you, but in accepting and loving who you are.

Bottom line, you are just as important. Your mental health is important. Your emotional health is important. Your house is your safe space, your freedom from others and only the things that encourage growth in you that you want should be welcome there.

 

[Keigan]

This certainly resonates, you are with a person who does not accept or understand you.

I know that when I am in a loud social gathering, you will always find me outside or in the kitchen having a one on one conversation - so I can get away from the noise and clutter causing the overload.

 

[Streetwise]

This certainly resonates, you are with a person who does not accept or understand you.

I know that when I am in a loud social gathering, you will always find me outside or in the kitchen having a one on one conversation - so I can get away from the noise and clutter causing the overload.

Wish I'd known it was autism when I was at school perspiring for Britain.
Or church trying to subtly disappear

 

[Chance]

Ouch, that's really hard to live with, thinking this 'pretty lady' came down off her pedestal and deigned to live with you. Lots of women and men navigate the world believing they are better than their partners. She's not, you have just as much worth as she does, no one is better. I experienced this growing up, between my parents.

Relationships and marriages eventually become two people who need to accept one another on the same level. It goes both ways. Here's what happened to me, and what I did to help make my relationship function well, and work.

Note: When I wrote this, I had lived all of my life in the NT world. It was not until later that I found that I had many traits related to being on the spectrum.

Negotiating needs between AS/NT partners

I so wish she was understanding and cared to see in me what you searched out in your husband.

Like this gathering (or any gathering)... I wasn't even asked. I just came home to it, which is very typical. She is a person who needs people around her and I try very hard to let that happen. I suck at confrontation. I shut down. I cant think. I start shaking. Its PTSD from some really bad stuff that happened when I did try and stand up for myself. My reward was getting beat unconscious, so I simply cant get into a fight or and argument without shaking all over uncontrollably. So like a coward I try and go hide until it goes away and try to think my way out of the mess that awaits me. It makes me so mad at myself I don't know what to do.

This is where people who know me, know they can use me or take advantage of me... They know I will just allow it, to not have to deal with myself over it. Gosh my hands shake just thinking about it...

I guess its just one of those things unless you live it, you cant begin to understand it.

Thank you so much for your kindness. My only hope is to schedule something for most football nights and not have to battle people in my own home. They have the right to enjoy life also, and I want them to do that, but not be mad at me in the process. : )

 

[Chance]

View attachment 37968 What a nightmare! I would have gone to the bathroom, lock up myself for a while and then go to the crowd with a very sad face, telling them that I was feeling horrible, probably diarrhea, and that they had to excuse me, but I had to get in my bed. In my bedroom I would smile to myself, grab those headphones (they sound pretty cool by the way), and turn on Netflix, or read a book.

I think you guys have too different lifestyles, maybe incompatible. Maybe it's a good idea to follow her advice, go live somewhere else, it's better to be alone than with someone that doesn't appreciate you.

I try to get away every year and go work in San Diego for the winter. I sort of hate it, because when its time to come home from there... I don't want to, and I usually get really depressed on the way home. I hope I still get to go this year. Sometimes the position doesn't open up, so far it hasn't but there is still time. It's mine if it opens... Just waiting to see if the person I usually relieve is going to take off.

This is something I look forward to every year. It's just a small escape from all the stuff here. I get to get away from all these people who think they know me, and own me. Its a freedom that words cant even describe. I always act sort of like I don't want to go and as I am driving away I am having a victory dance and good loud HELL YEAH... As I never look back.


Out there I get in real trouble because I never even think about checking in at home... I block this life out 100% until I get a text or a angry phone call that forces me to deal with some drama someone has manufactured. I usually just say handle it please and hang up.

It feels so free to even think about it... puts this huge smile inside me. I know what I long for, but I just don't know how to grab hold of it. : )

 

[Streetwise]

I so wish she was understanding and cared to see in me what you searched out in your husband.

Like this gathering (or any gathering)... I wasn't even asked. I just came home to it, which is very typical. She is a person who needs people around her and I try very hard to let that happen. I suck at confrontation. I shut down. I cant think. I start shaking. Its PTSD from some really bad stuff that happened when I did try and stand up for myself. My reward was getting beat unconscious, so I simply cant get into a fight or and argument without shaking all over uncontrollably. So like a coward I try and go hide until it goes away and try to think my way out of the mess that awaits me. It makes me so mad at myself I don't know what to do.

This is where people who know me, know they can use me or take advantage of me... They know I will just allow it, to not have to deal with myself over it. Gosh my hands shake just thinking about it...

I guess its just one of those things unless you live it, you cant begin to understand it.

Thank you so much for your kindness. My only hope is to schedule something for most football nights and not have to battle people in my own home. They have the right to enjoy life also, and I want them to do that, but not be mad at me in the process. : )

I've only really confronted someone once without panicking so you're like a carbon copy of me .
I've given up trying to please people it's pointless ,now I'm changing ,I can't even confront gizmo the mean small skinny cat
I'm like judge I don't bother -haven't got the passion any more

 

[Chance]

I've only really confronted someone once without panicking so you're like a carbon copy of me .
I've given up trying to please people it's pointless ,now I'm changing ,I can't even confront gizmo the mean small skinny cat
I'm like judge I don't bother -haven't got the passion any more

You are both right! I have no argument with that. I just have such a hard time getting control of my own survival rights sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I am not allowed to have an opinion, or make a decision because I know its about to start and argument that I cant win. So I just walk away and get in trouble anyway. I'm kind of screwed at this point it seems.

BTW, I may not always understand you, or even agree with you, but I like you just the way you are. : )

If people would just allow us what we are willing to allow them, this world wouldn't be so messed up.
I feel that inside me. We are just a bunch of self seeking beings who often don't stop and think, or get into places where we simply cant think at that moment. Life is a challenge, or at least it is for me.

 

[Streetwise]

You are both right! I have no argument with that. I just have such a hard time getting control of my own survival rights sometimes. I sometimes feel as if I am not allowed to have an opinion, or make a decision because I know its about to start and argument that I cant win. So I just walk away and get in trouble anyway. I'm kind of screwed at this point it seems.

BTW, I may not always understand you, or even agree with you, but I like you just the way you are. : )

If people would just allow us what we are willing to allow them, this world wouldn't be so messed up.
I feel that inside me. We are just a bunch of self seeking beings who often don't stop and think, or get into places where we simply cant think at that moment. Life is a challenge, or at least it is for me.

To me I've never had hold of my rights my body forced the change - I've rarely made a calm decision .I stopped because I couldn't act any more it wasn't a voluntary decision ,it was involuntary literally like menstruation I can't control that I couldn't control this I never realised how powerful the body is.

 

[WittyAspie]

It sounds like your wife needs to visit someone else's house for game night. You have every right to be a part of planning anything that involves people coming over. After all, as you said, it's your money allowing those people to be there.

If I were you I would have unplugged the TV, but then again I don't have the same trouble with confrontation. Have you tried writing your wife a letter explaining that she absolutely must not invite people over without your foreknowledge? Perhaps you can put into words how you really feel if you only have to face words on a page.

I don't think I could stay married if I was in your position. What is either of you gaining by staying together? Why does your wife want to be with you if she doesn't care about you as a person? Why stay with her if you prefer being alone in another state?

I know those are really blunt questions, so feel free to not answer them out loud. I just feel like those are the important questions you should be asking yourself. If you want to stay married it is crucial you find a way to let your wife know that you won't tolerate being walked all over. She needs a reality check if she thinks of herself as a great catch. Looks mean nothing when people get old. Personality is all that counts and it sounds like hers could use some work.