Understanding not being understood...

[WittyAspie]

Have you considered therapy for your PTSD and marriage counseling for your struggles at home?

 

[Gracey]

If you don't speak up Chance, you'll end up resentful.
You let the good lady wife know what you need, she lets you know what she needs, you talk with each other to reach a compromise.
She could be a supermodel but that fact alone won't lessen any of your experiences (noise, chaos, needing some space and quiet)
She can't reprogramme you or re wire you but she can understand and accept you - if she understands what's happening with you.

Doesn't make you any less of a person (experiencing the world differently) you're not second rate, you don't have to take any crap just because you take meds. No. You're not inferior to anyone.
You probably experience and deal with three or four extra conditions on top of going to work and doing your bit for the economy. Can the person next to you juggle the same amount of stuff and still get up for work in the morning? Make a living? Provide for a family?

You will have to speak up for yourself though, nobody can do it for you.

 

[Chance]

It sounds like your wife needs to visit someone else's house for game night. You have every right to be a part of planning anything that involves people coming over. After all, as you said, it's your money allowing those people to be there.

If I were you I would have unplugged the TV, but then again I don't have the same trouble with confrontation. Have you tried writing your wife a letter explaining that she absolutely must not invite people over without your foreknowledge? Perhaps you can put into words how you really feel if you only have to face words on a page.

I don't think I could stay married if I was in your position. What is either of you gaining by staying together? Why does your wife want to be with you if she doesn't care about you as a person? Why stay with her if you prefer being alone in another state?

I know those are really blunt questions, so feel free to not answer them out loud. I just feel like those are the important questions you should be asking yourself. If you want to stay married it is crucial you find a way to let your wife know that you won't tolerate being walked all over. She needs a reality check if she thinks of herself as a great catch. Looks mean nothing when people get old. Personality is all that counts and it sounds like hers could use some work.

Fair enough Witt... your questions are the very thing I have been roaming through for a long time now.
So I will answer them in hopes someone might give me some valuable advice. My councilor has me doing things that are making it worse not better.
You already know I suck at confrontation, so no point in re-hashing any of that.

What is either of you gaining by staying together? For me not much. I used to think I was loved, but that seems to have changed. She often tells me she cant stand me, or that she hates me. However, I supply everything she needs to live a full happy life, minus her not treating me like she used to, when she used to say she loved me the way I was.

Why does your wife want to be with you if she doesn't care about you as a person? She never cared to... How do I put this? Become anything... She just let me provide and I did to because I used too love doing it. It gave me this sense of fulfillment to get her something she really wanted, but as things changed she was never happy with it for very long. I bought her a Black Escalade for our anniversary 3 years ago. In just months it was just stomach turning. She ran up on tall curb and nearly tore the whole front off. She let the boys break some of the knobs inside and break the DVD player out of the roof. The right back was quarterback was mashed in it was filthy, and the right back seat had about a foot long cut in the leather... I think she only called it a piece of s--t..

I was sick inside. She now treats our home the same. She wants and wants, but no matter what it is, its never enough. I think I did this... I was so wanting to please that I would just do anything to feel loved. At that point I realized I wasn't appreciated... I got super depressed and I fight it a lot more now then I used too. She causes lots of my panic attacks.

She got very angry when I got sick and was taken to the ER. She was later furious when I was diagnosed and called it BS... She still does. She has never accepted it, or remotely supported me in this. She will not let me tell anyone in her family. Its obvious she is ashamed of this whole thing, which I take as her being ashamed of me. It hurts pretty bad.

Why stay with her if you prefer being alone in another state? Because she cant make it on her own. She has never had to work a day in her life. She mostly refused even when I did need some help. I'm loyal to a horrible fault. I also cant throw her to the dogs. I was done that way at 14. I know how terrifying that was, and how much can go horribly wrong when your hungry, cold, and scared to death. She knows I won't throw her out, but I am to the point of just walking away and letting her have it all... Even then she cant even pay the utilities or anything. She hates to work, so I know I will have to pay it all anyway.

I have worked so hard and I have very good credit and I just don't want to throw everything in the trash.
I have a counselor, she will not join in. She says I'm the one with head problems, not her. She never used to be like this. I still love her... I cant hurt her... Hell I cant hurt anyone. I just find and try to find ways to manage not hurting others and not losing my mind.

I do got to get away... I asked her if she would move out there and let me take that position permanently she threw a massive fit and told me that will never happen. It helps me so much to be able to breathe. I don't want to go back home when its time, but I feel I never have a choice. My councilor seems to think she has some Narcissist tendencies, she is basically heartless at times, but really I guess I have had a whole life of heartless people, so whats one more?

Would I love to be free? Yes, so much that I told her more than once that I do love her enough that if she wants to go find someone more compatible, I would never stop her, or try to hurt her. I was sincere when I told her this... She turned it on me... and accused me of cheating... GOD knows I simply am not even interested in trying this again, muchness try and swing two women at once. What a train wreck that would be.

Anyway thats the poop I swim in... Like I said, I think I am the cause of most of it, just trying to feel loved or needed. It has turned and is now a monster who hates me basically. I don't even know what to do or where to start. My councilor told me to set some boundaries I did, and now we have football games and lots of other stuff... Every move I make, she counter moves and I suck at ALL of it.

Thanks for making me think on this. I can handle it most the time. I always dream that someday I will be free and not be guilty of hurting others. Maybe that is reserved for another life... I'm not sure. : )

 

[Chance]

Have you considered therapy for your PTSD and marriage counseling for your struggles at home?

I have a councilor... I think it has helped some, but there was just never any closure. Its just as raw today as it was then. It messed me up. I have no problem admitting that. Fixing this stuff is really tough, but I do try.

My wife will not do counseling... She gets very upset for me daring to think any of this is her fault??
Its both our faults. I did tons wrong, often thinking I was doing something right. : )

 

[Chance]

If you don't speak up Chance, you'll end up resentful.
You let the good lady wife know what you need, she lets you know what she needs, you talk with each other to reach a compromise.
She could be a supermodel but that fact alone won't lessen any of your experiences (noise, chaos, needing some space and quiet)
She can't reprogramme you or re wire you but she can understand and accept you - if she understands what's happening with you.

Doesn't make you any less of a person (experiencing the world differently) you're not second rate, you don't have to take any crap just because you take meds. No. You're not inferior to anyone.
You probably experience and deal with three or four extra conditions on top of going to work and doing your bit for the economy. Can the person next to you juggle the same amount of stuff and still get up for work in the morning? Make a living? Provide for a family?

You will have to speak up for yourself though, nobody can do it for you.

Thank you... I do try and I will try. I implode when anyone screams at me... That is often the first thing that happens and it ends all my efforts and shoves me into a shutdown. I try and be strategic and tasteful, but wow... I suck at all that.

My brother in law, my wife's twin sisters husband... He get so upset. He sees how she treats me and sometimes he even says something... They don't like each other much : (

Even her own twin sister is sort of not understanding why she has turned "so resentful" were the words she is using. They had a talk with her and it pissed her off at me, because she thought I had said something when I hadn't said a word. So things got pretty heated between them and that made me feel bad. I just want to run away sometimes but I cant.

She used to hide her hate for me... Now its just basically out in the open, but when she has been caught she makes sure to try and expose one of my faults to make her have a right to be that way... Or blames it on her hormones?

I will figure something out... : ) I always do... but thank you so much for caring to help me hash through it.

I won't turn resentful... That would only hurt me and no one else. I got past that a long time ago. I am just trying to think the right thoughts that will make this better, or give me a way out of a pretty messed up thing we are supposed to be calling a marriage. I do know that someday it will all be okay and I can look back and not be filled with guilt. I am trying to do the best I can to not be the one throwing knives with my tongue.
I slip but I apologize on the spot. I'm human, I mess up too...

She's not all to blame. I think this all started sliding real bad when I started having panic attacks. She thought I was having heart trouble. I thought I was losing my mind. Later I was diagnosed with ASD and all the other stuff. I will never forget the look on her face. I was that pie in the face look ant then she instantly got very angry and has been for the last 5 1/2 years now. It was a blow to her. She's an extrovert, outgoing, needs to be with people... and she has me...

I think history basically repeated itself. Its my mom all over again, except in the shoes of my wife. The last time didn't work out to well for me at all. So maybe thats why I am so cautious this time.

I have been speaking up some, when I feel I can handle the back flash of her tantrum that will come every time. She knows this is my weak spot. She knows how to shut me up and get what she wants. I cant really blame her, yet I do because it exposes a character that if I had ever seen prior, I would have never married her, but hind sight is of course very clear.

There are givers and takers... I'm a giver, she's a taker so in her world this is good. : )

 

[isthisreallife]

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said, "What is wrong with you?" When they know exactly what is wrong, but refuse to accept it.

EXACTLY! I get so frustrated that I feel like crying. It makes me feel the way I did before my diagnoses. I would question myself constantly, like, "Is this all in my head?",and I'm just being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing? Followed by a feeling of worthlessness and guilt when someone would make a snarky comment like your wife did (I was a accused of being a Hermit, from childhood to now).
So now, when I get asked that question, I simply say that I'm Autistic, and I'll keep saying it until people stop asking me that f***ing question. The better question is, what's wrong with them? Why is society so accommodating of people with very visible limitations, and some not so visible, but when it comes to Autism it's bad parenting, you're embellishing it, or you're faking it?

 

[the_tortoise]

Like I said, I think I am the cause of most of it, just trying to feel loved or needed.

No. Just no.

Taking care of her, giving her whatever she wanted to the best of your ability, that may have inspired/catalyzed her awful treatment of you but that does not make it your fault, the way she treats you. (Even "throwing knives with your tonue" at times, does not make it your fault, if this is also part of what you were talking about when saying you are the cause.) It is not your fault.

Any other person, in your wife's position, might have responded to your actions very differently. The way your wife responded to you and continues to respond, is not your fault -- you do not have any control over it. None.

Certainly, our actions have the potential to influence other people, but ultimately the degree to which we can influence others is up to them -- not us. And don't ever forget that "zero" is a degree.

Even though your actions may be variables in determining why your wife acts the way she does, her current ability to support herself/function in the world, or the way she treats you -- that does not make you responsible for any of it, does not mean it is your fault. Unless you have done something to deliberately undermine her independence: It is not your fault. You are not responsible for her choices or her abilities. Do you blame her for your slips, when you say hurtful things? If not, then why should you be to blame for her behavior? (And also, does she ever apologize to you?)

Had you not supported her and/or given her everything she wanted, she may have simply become horrible to you sooner -- or simply left you, possibly finding some other man to provide for her.

Others in your wife's position may have made different choices in the exact same circumstances.

Generally, I do not believe that relationship discord can ever be one person's fault....however, in situations where one person appears to be abusing the other I am more ready to assign fault to the person who is being abusive -- at the very least, I believe that they take the lion's share of responsbility....I am not saying I believe your wife is abusing you (I don't know what's going on, I am a stranger on the internet), but some of what you write about raises red flags in my mind.

In any case I am not into victim-blaming -- lack of boundaries does not cause other people to mistreat you, it just makes it easier for them; There are plenty of individuals in this world who, upon encountering a person with lack of strong personal boundaries, would actually be more careful not to hurt or impose upon that person, not less -- each individual is still personally responsible for how they act towards others, whether those others have good boundaries or not.

I am very sorry you are dealing with all of this, and I wish I had some good advice to offer you, but I don't right now....all I can think to suggest is to find a better counsellor, and do what you can to stop blaming yourself -- perhaps try to avoid thinking about "fault" "bad" and "good" altogether, and focus only on each person's needs and wants and the functions and cause-and-effect of various behaviors and choices (unless that gets you falling into the trap of thinking that because you do [x], she does [y] that means you are the cause)?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

She can manage on her own.

Don't let this message you wrote prevent you from moving on.

It's a false belief. Assume the opposite.
Don't put people in a position where they're not responsible for their lives.
(She may rant and rail but she's on easy street and probably wants it to stay that way.

You may be against divorce but see a lawyer.

Assume she gets the house.
Work out the money. (Make sure you can act first so she can't be vindictive and drain all the accounts first)

How often will you see the kids. Sound like they're older and will do what they want anyway.

What will your life be like with less money? The house you can afford etc

A first meeting with a lawyer may clear your mind.

Like the clinic in Switzerland- dignitas where people sign up to be helped to die.
A lot of people get peace just from knowing they can go there, so they don't need to.

 

[OlLiE]

my gf is more sociable than i am and needs her friends whereas i don't, i have none, and don't need any

i trust her implicitly, so we agreed that if she wants to go out with her friends, then fine, she knows she doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving me at home, with the feeling of guilt gone she feels more at ease when going out with friends

when there are 'couple' activities then i go but we agree by when we need to leave taking a buffer into account to leave us some flexibility to leave at an appropriate moment, she knows how bad i get if we overstay and how overwhelmed i get and how badly it wrecks me the day after,

i'm in no way uncomfortable or ashamed about who i am; so i've told her i'm perfectly ok with her telling her friends about my situation if it helps deal with uncomfortable situations (after six years most of her friends haven't seen me and say that they don't believe i exist).

you don't even have to tell them that you are on the sprectrum, just tell them that you have a sensory condition which means that things like heat, humidity, noise... overwhelm you more than it does them

if her friends understand that noise is unpleasant for me they don't mind if i isolate myself for a bit, who would blame a leg amputee for wantig to sit down every so often, it isn't any different

the trick is to get friends to realise that it' not about them, that's it's not a judgement of them, that it's not about liking or not liking them, its about overload and needing some quiet - if they can't understand that then they are not really friends are they?

if you guys love each other, find a way to make it work

guilt is a really nasty thing though, if you feel guilty for being who you are (need for love etc), then that will wreck your relationship

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

after six years most of her friends haven't seen me and say that they don't believe i exist).

Take a second,please check. You do exist,right?

the trick is to get friends to realise that it' not about them, that's it's not a judgement of them, that it's not about liking or not liking them, its about overload and needing some quiet - if they can't understand that then they are not really friends are they?

Bingo. The portrayal of the friends in this story makes this sound like a hard ask.

I think you seem to nave found a happy medium and its nice to hear.

I think we all go through difficult times at one point or another.

 

[Chance]

my gf is more sociable than i am and needs her friends whereas i don't, i have none, and don't need any

i trust her implicitly, so we agreed that if she wants to go out with her friends, then fine, she knows she doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving me at home, with the feeling of guilt gone she feels more at ease when going out with friends

when there are 'couple' activities then i go but we agree by when we need to leave taking a buffer into account to leave us some flexibility to leave at an appropriate moment, she knows how bad i get if we overstay and how overwhelmed i get and how badly it wrecks me the day after,

i'm in no way uncomfortable or ashamed about who i am; so i've told her i'm perfectly ok with her telling her friends about my situation if it helps deal with uncomfortable situations (after six years most of her friends haven't seen me and say that they don't believe i exist).

you don't even have to tell them that you are on the sprectrum, just tell them that you have a sensory condition which means that things like heat, humidity, noise... overwhelm you more than it does them

if her friends understand that noise is unpleasant for me they don't mind if i isolate myself for a bit, who would blame a leg amputee for wantig to sit down every so often, it isn't any different

the trick is to get friends to realise that it' not about them, that's it's not a judgement of them, that it's not about liking or not liking them, its about overload and needing some quiet - if they can't understand that then they are not really friends are they?

if you guys love each other, find a way to make it work

guilt is a really nasty thing though, if you feel guilty for being who you are (need for love etc), then that will wreck your relationship

Wow... I need to come live in your world for a while. That is so cool that you have this "ability" to transition words like you just did. I cant seem to do that in real life. I shut down easy and sometimes really fast. I don't do the melt down thing much. I have maybe twice and they were basically atomic and awful but actually warranted... A person can only take so much, even a nonviolent person.

My wife used to actually say she loved me for who I was. I think she just saw it as this shy guy that she could break out of his shell. She actually has admitted that. Once we found out that I cant, she changed and not for the better. She refused and still refused to even discuss me being diagnosed. I embarrass her and I know that and it hurts. I crushed her dreams as well.

I will always love her. She knows I will never hurt her or anyone else, but we are at a place where it cant go on. I can take more than anyone I know as far as people walking all over me, but I'm just tired of it. I dont do that to others. I ask nothing from anyone, but to be treated half decent. I guess I need to specify what half decent is because the screaming at me, and tearing stuff up is grating on me really bad.

I promised myself I would never leave her... but she is no longer that person I made that promise too.
She changed, I haven't changed and thats what makes her hate me. I would change if I could, I do love her that much. I fake it as much as I can only to wind up in a horrible mess for doing so. I can only "act" so long before I run out of fuel. She just cant grasp it. She refuses to grasp it and that hurts. I do try very hard to be the guy she needs but more and more I just cant find the way to do it.

I am at the point of giving up on the marriage... But God knows how much I put in this and how hard I tired so I just see it as just one more massive failure on my part to just walk away and also cause all this strain on her. If she would just show the tiniest amount of support for who I really am... I could deal with it. Instead she has turned into this situation where I am not even allowed to discuss or allow any of my "problems" to be seen by anyone.

They already know I am messed up, but she cant stand to face any of it. I am to be this guy who treats her like a princess, like I aways have... Now I cant seem to pull it off and I know I am being taken advantage of by a person who has went from saying she loved me as I was to hating me for who I still am. I cant change ASD or any of that other stuff. I can fake (or used to could fake) not having it, but thats what triggered it all to exposing itself in the horrible way it did. She cant accept that. She thinks I can just continue faking that I am this normal guy and we go on living in this fairytale where I grind for 12-16 hours a day and she enjoys the fruits of my labor and never lifts a finger to help or support me in any fractional way.

I guess I'm about done, but I know nothing about any of this. I never planned on it ever being like this, so I have no game plan, no backup plan, no nothing basically and everybody else knows this also. I guess it will work out as it should. I do want to come out not feeling guilty for not trying and I want to not blame others for something that just doesn't seem to have a workable answer.

If it does have some obvious answer I cant seem to see... point it out (that includes anyone). I am doing all I can including seeing a counselor. She won't have anything to do with that. It actually made her very angry to find out I had gone back to seeing a counselor. The last time I saw one it wrecked her world and her image of me. So she's not happy with any part of who I have always been. Somehow it will be okay... I just don't know how yet...: )

 

[Chance]

EXACTLY! I get so frustrated that I feel like crying. It makes me feel the way I did before my diagnoses. I would question myself constantly, like, "Is this all in my head?",and I'm just being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing? Followed by a feeling of worthlessness and guilt when someone would make a snarky comment like your wife did (I was a accused of being a Hermit, from childhood to now).
So now, when I get asked that question, I simply say that I'm Autistic, and I'll keep saying it until people stop asking me that f***ing question. The better question is, what's wrong with them? Why is society so accommodating of people with very visible limitations, and some not so visible, but when it comes to Autism it's bad parenting, you're embellishing it, or you're faking it?

She tells me this is all in my head... It is all in my head I get that very well. She thinks its like the flu, or a sprained ankle and its going away. I don't talk about it, I'm not allowed to talk about it... Thats why you sweet people get to hear me whine about it... Geez what it would be to just wake up and be normal as everyone expects us to be... Maybe in the next life, if I try hard to not ruin this one, who knows?

I only know to try as hard as I can to be the best version of me as I can in every situation. Sometimes I fail horribly, and every so often I look back and smile because I see that I am not treating people the way they treat me. Reward or not, that is how we are suppose to live a LIFE. : )

 

[Gracey]

When you talk to the wife Chance, ask her what it is she wants from you. Specifically.
If she says things like "what you promised me" or "I want my husband back" that's far too generalised.
Ask her exactly what that involves. Specific examples of what she's expecting from you.

If talking usually ends up in an arguement suggest that each of you (yes, even you) write down a list on paper of what it is you both want from each other.
(Behaving in the way you've described, she's letting you down too Chance)
What you do with those written lists is up to you both - acknowledge, agree, work through, ignore, use as weapons.

You're entitled to feel the way you do about your marriage and your wife's role in it.
These are your feelings. They belong to you.
No amount of hysteria, judgement or vitriolic belittling make those feelings something to be ashamed of or wrong.
They still belong to you (even after she's gone nuclear- if she does)

Suspecting something ( using our fears/imagination) and collecting solid evidence are two different things.
Asking her outright what she wants exactly, is collecting solid evidence. A solid, factual statement you can work with.

Guessing or suspecting (ASD is the sole cause) and then ONLY looking for evidence to support that one single fear isn't solid evidence. It's too narrow, biased.
If you ask her and she comes right out and names your ASD then that's different. It's now solid evidence because she's stated a fact.
I may not be explaining this very well, I hope it makes sense.

If you want to hear what she's got to say about the marriage and her expectations of you, ask her.

 

[Gracey]

@Chance,

This may sound nuts,...
...if you think she's going to scream at you and you'll automatically shut down.
Imagine us in the room with you, propping you up.
?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

have no game plan, no backup plan, no nothing basically and everybody else knows this also. I guess it will work out as it should.

Get one.

Dont tell anyone you've got one. Doesn't mean you're going to use it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

@Chance,

This may sound nuts,...
...if you think she's going to scream at you and you'll automatically shut down.
Imagine us in the room with you, propping you up.
?

We'll be wearing macks silicon ear plugs with bandages wrapped around our heads for extra security.
Bose headphones also recommended.

 

[Streetwise]

Wow... I need to come live in your world for a while. That is so cool that you have this "ability" to transition words like you just did. I cant seem to do that in real life. I shut down easy and sometimes really fast. I don't do the melt down thing much. I have maybe twice and they were basically atomic and awful but actually warranted... A person can only take so much, even a nonviolent person.

My wife used to actually say she loved me for who I was. I think she just saw it as this shy guy that she could break out of his shell. She actually has admitted that. Once we found out that I cant, she changed and not for the better. She refused and still refused to even discuss me being diagnosed. I embarrass her and I know that and it hurts. I crushed her dreams as well.

I will always love her. She knows I will never hurt her or anyone else, but we are at a place where it cant go on. I can take more than anyone I know as far as people walking all over me, but I'm just tired of it. I dont do that to others. I ask nothing from anyone, but to be treated half decent. I guess I need to specify what half decent is because the screaming at me, and tearing stuff up is grating on me really bad.

I promised myself I would never leave her... but she is no longer that person I made that promise too.
She changed, I haven't changed and thats what makes her hate me. I would change if I could, I do love her that much. I fake it as much as I can only to wind up in a horrible mess for doing so. I can only "act" so long before I run out of fuel. She just cant grasp it. She refuses to grasp it and that hurts. I do try very hard to be the guy she needs but more and more I just cant find the way to do it.

I am at the point of giving up on the marriage... But God knows how much I put in this and how hard I tired so I just see it as just one more massive failure on my part to just walk away and also cause all this strain on her. If she would just show the tiniest amount of support for who I really am... I could deal with it. Instead she has turned into this situation where I am not even allowed to discuss or allow any of my "problems" to be seen by anyone.

They already know I am messed up, but she cant stand to face any of it. I am to be this guy who treats her like a princess, like I aways have... Now I cant seem to pull it off and I know I am being taken advantage of by a person who has went from saying she loved me as I was to hating me for who I still am. I cant change ASD or any of that other stuff. I can fake (or used to could fake) not having it, but thats what triggered it all to exposing itself in the horrible way it did. She cant accept that. She thinks I can just continue faking that I am this normal guy and we go on living in this fairytale where I grind for 12-16 hours a day and she enjoys the fruits of my labor and never lifts a finger to help or support me in any fractional way.

I guess I'm about done, but I know nothing about any of this. I never planned on it ever being like this, so I have no game plan, no backup plan, no nothing basically and everybody else knows this also. I guess it will work out as it should. I do want to come out not feeling guilty for not trying and I want to not blame others for something that just doesn't seem to have a workable answer.

If it does have some obvious answer I cant seem to see... point it out (that includes anyone). I am doing all I can including seeing a counselor. She won't have anything to do with that. It actually made her very angry to find out I had gone back to seeing a counselor. The last time I saw one it wrecked her world and her image of me. So she's not happy with any part of who I have always been. Somehow it will be okay... I just don't know how yet...: )

A Vietnamese GP said to me "G~d made you the way you are there is nothing wrong with you "I have never forgotten that .
I think divorce isn't as public now,in the 1970s you had to go to a court everyone could watch.
I keep saying it I don't know how my mam stood there and spoke brave.
I think it's because she was physically abused and she couldn't fight anymore

 

[the_tortoise]

I crushed her dreams as well.

If the dreams you refer to are about you becoming someone else, or her having a certain kind of life with you that would only be possible if you became someone else, then it is not you who crushed her dreams; It is reality that crushed them, or her own decisions (she chose to be with you of her own volition, she knew who you were going in and she didn't tell you she wanted//expected you to change -- in fact, she led you to believe the opposite).

If you decided to marry someone only because you thought you could somehow get them to become a completely different person, and you told them you loved them and wanted to be with them just the way they were....and then it turned out that they couldn't change to become that person (or even maybe just didn't want to be that person -- after all, you never asked them to change, never even let on that you wanted them to), would you say that they crushed your dreams?

If it does have some obvious answer I cant seem to see... point it out (that includes anyone)

These things never have an obvious answer, in my opinion, because relationships and love are complicated....despite all the commonalities, each individual and each relationship is unique. It is up to each person to decide their limits, what is best for them, what they want and need. People tend to have conflicting needs and wants within their own hearts (in addition to whatever conflicts they have with their partners).

Can you step back and imagine seeing another person in a similar situation to your own -- or imagine someone else in your place? If so, can you hold that third-party perspective in your mind long enough to think of what you would tell that other person, or what you would think about the situation? I find sometimes this kind of thing can give me a little bit of objectivity, if I can do it.

Another idea: Sometimes when I am unsure what to do, I ask others what they would do -- I suppose I am looking for ideas, or to see if there are other ways of looking at things that make sense to me. I usually go first to people whose opinions I tend to respect or admire, or whom I find I can usually relate well to, but I will ask anyone -- I also do the non-interactive equivalent and search for stories about people in similar situations online and in books.