Undrstanding Our Lack Of Empathy

[NlGHTgirl]

Is it possible, to under react or over react empathy? when a homeless person starts to talk about his cracked teeth falling out, it is extremely upsetting to me! I can almost "feel" what he is describing to my own teeth!!!! I can "feel" or visualize or empathize too much, I must ask the person to please stop describing so much details, I can't stand it! I listen to NPR for news instead of TV. I respect and love myself, I only want to have pretty picture images in my head!

On the other hand, I could totally understand how someone can detach......

Exactly, great point. What the other poster said. There is great disparity between poverty and CEOs, the 1% and all. There are people starving and suffering in far away lands right now. Wouldn't humans just go around crying constantly? Seems like many of the general population have some level of detachment some times. If there was tons of empathy around, would humans let other humans starve or suffer in far away countries? ever? Do you suppose it could be "normal" to feel numb after extreme tragedy of 911 or mass shootings??? It is too emotionally draining to go around crying all the time. It was not my immediate family involved, so, I'm not exactly, um.sure that I am attached too much??? I can ponder project/predict other people's feelings though.It is not always correct prediction. is that the totally wrong words? Oh my gosh, It's beyond my comprehension!..... I only have kind or happy inside me?

I'm not exactly sure how much "Aspie" traits I may or may not share. I'm not very stoic. I have too much energy! oh, and usually lots of excessive exclamation points! heh heh

A child, near and dear to my heart, drew how she was going to become a veterinarian. She constantly talks about animals, not so much happy about people interactions. So, the child's drawing only contained animals; there were no people pet owners! ha ha! My entire family has some slightly different qualities.

Once, I self described as "confused Vegan" . We love animals here! Would only eat them for survival, as necessary. Like Humane treatment , maybe cage free or something? We would never want to destroy life, not even in dissecting animals. It does not bring me education. But perhaps it helps others. I prefer the books, photos, diagrams. I do not need to destroy stuff. aw...

 

[Heissonear]

Some great information, Peace. Very interesting since it tries to illuminate one of the primary Aspie traits.

But! It needs more refinement. It appears to present a totality; applicable to all Aspies; a black and white understanding of Aspie-based empathy.

There is obviously true information presented but in black and white rather than "spectrum" of individuals, with no two a like physically and through their environment over time.

It is a complex subject and what is presented is a good start. Thanks!

 

[NlGHTgirl]

You are kind Heissonear..... to consider a spectrum. actions , what to do? what to respond? yup, I know that feeling.

YES! In response to "HiHowAreYou?" I say "ALL L L L L L....Riiiiiight......ieeee......?" I AM contemplating, considering, thinking, wayyy too much, the appropriate response! Do I really need to return "OkHowAreYou?" or If the truth, The cat/dog is too old/sick/dying, the close family love kid niece/Aunt/cousin whatever was kicked by a horse, the "HiHowAreYou?" How many million times over, has the person acts surprised, as if they did not REALLY care.... They did NOT really WANT to talk to me and find out this awful truth.

curious? ..... when the people say "HiHowAreYou?" I have a (naughty?) habit of saying "ALL L L L L L L L L L.....riiiight.....ieeeeeee....?....." and stretching out the word into several syllables. It accomplishes several things, for me. Are we doing THIS now? What is this "HiHowAreYou?" nonsense? Challenges. (my eyebrow raised) Eye contact (confrontation):::: Does the person really care? is he realllyyyy listening? as I pause? extra long syllables. I don't have to pretend that I care to hear the answer to the question that I am supposed to ask "Hello. How are you? OK? OK. " to reciprocate. But in all truth (I'm not good at deception at all!) I can't lie, and pretend that I am even vaguely interested in the boring "OK" response custom of empty "How are you?" Sometimes, I really like to flaunt being a tiny bit of a rebel, non conforming artist type. I just now, did not follow the rules of society. (is that terrible? is it lack of empathy?????- oh no, I don't want that......: ( Is modern society transforming into a bunch of cell phone game addicts who do not care to work or care for the community? I just want to get down to business. So. Not interested in small talk. Will the world fall apart? (Maybe? I don't know? I don't think so?)

The next time that one guy asks me "How are you?" I was going to plainly say "Great! Thank you! Why do you ask?" cuz that ONE guy, first guy, younger, I thought, we had a mutual crush. I kept trying to hint (subtle or not so subtle) for a date. (THAT guy might have autism.) He had to follow the rules at work. I don't think he can ask me out on a date?

Then, maybe people will stop asking me "How are you?" If I ask them politely "why do you ask?" or just simply say "Thank you" for the "niceties"? I am not sure how "nice" it is? In fact, I think it is insensitive, even astonishingly rude, for people to ask questions, but not care to hear the answer. It is a puzzle. Why would caring, emotional NT society allow this horrible empty tradition to continue? Does that mean NT can lack empathy as well? (someone else mentioned that in this thread already, so I guess so.) but ..... I mean, why do they ask such questions, not care about the answer?????????????? It kinda, hurts my feelings? (or something?) I don't understand such behavior. that's for sure.......

 

[On the Inside]

Families of those with Asperger’s want to know why their Aspies act the way they do. In my psychology practice I have Neuro-typical (NT) clients repeatedly ask me regarding their Asperger spouse, “Why can’t she see what I am saying?” Or they ask, “Why can’t he connect with my feelings?”

True empathy is the ability to be aware of one’s own feelings and thoughts at the same time you are aware of another person’s feelings and thoughts (or several other persons’). It means having the wherewithal to speak about this awareness. It also means creating mutual understanding and a sense of caring for one another. That is a lot of brain circuits to connect!

This is a good thread, and a touchy one for me, because my inability to act on my empathy seems to be a problem. You know, the old "actions speak louder than words" saw, with the implied addendum "and thoughts say nothing at all".

So you are saying that true empathy is feeling and acting on that feeling in some way to create mutual understanding and caring. Some posters subsequently said that feeling was enough to be empathic, and Aspies get hung up on the acting on that feeling. I have feelings of empathy up the wazoo, but am often unable to act on them, sometimes because I don't or can't seem to be able to find the appropriate action at the right time, the problem is outside my sphere of influence, or because I am simply overwhelmed by the nature of the problem, among other things.

I too protest the idea that my feelings of empathy are irrelevant unless I am able to act on them appropriately and in a timely manner. Maybe I can't act right now, but I might at some point if I figure out what I coulda shoulda woulda done. I've done that, even though it was enormously embarrassing and perhaps ineffective to go to someone and say, "sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed it, but here's my empathy", klunk.

But there have been instances where I was able to act appropriately and in a timely manner on my feelings of empathy, not sure why it worked those times and not others. Maybe I just cared more about those particular sufferers than others, or maybe it was because the sufferer took the time to explain their feelings to me in ways that I understood rather than rely on expressions, assumptions and other NT social codes that I'm supposedly blind to.

Sorry, haven't had a good rant for awhile.

 

[Peace]

I did not say these things, I posted this article I read and somehow it looks like my words.

 

[On the Inside]

I did not say these things, I posted this article I read and somehow it looks like my words.

I'm sorry, maybe you could have stated that it was an article before the text.

Lets just say that my rant was towards the author of the article then.

 

[Peace]

My life is full of things I could have done better.

 

[On the Inside]

I tend to get the same results when I do my best.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Someone tells me what they're struggling with and I feel for them, because I to have known struggle in various shapes and forms,
but I don't know what the appropriate response is so I either choose not to respond, or I play a wild card and end up "saying the wrong thing".
I don't think that means I lack empathy, I just don't know how to act on it.

It is not known by another person that you have empathy unless you can somehow verbalize what you are feeling to the other person. So when you "don't respond" that would be read by an NT as a "no empathy" response. Or something like a hug or a hand on the shoulder could be a response. Eye contact also can come into it as well. Even though you probably do feel empathy the other person can't read your mind or your feelings unless you say something or do some physical response.