Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

[Mr. Stevens]

Same here. I've watched it a lot, but there are always new things to consider. It's about 2000 years worth of story! I'll PM you about Locke sometime soon, if that's okay.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

On the other hand, this is a very beautiful article:

Talking Heads' Tina Weymouth and Chris Frantz look back: 'When I first asked her to join my band, she refused.'

 

[Aspychata]

The problem about healthy relationships is you are both forced to grow. Some of us aren't ready for that, or ready to surrender our love with being alone. I am having to reconsider being alone because l just can't handle being single in Florida. Being single in California was way more acceptable. Being alone is also a relationship status that is easy to fall in love with - just the simplicity of aloneness.

But l enjoy the relationship posts, because people really open up about what they are trying to work out.

 

[Ella Spell]

My marriage started to unravel because my career took off while he was still unemployed after Uni. The mortgage and all our assets went in my name, not just because it was my money but because he didn't qualify for loans from the bank. He started to unravel. He forbade me from bringing any work home on weekends or from talking about work at all, because he said he was jealous and felt threatened.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

The problem about healthy relationships is you are both forced to grow. Some of us aren't ready for that, or ready to surrender our love with being alone. I am having to reconsider being alone because l just can't handle being single in Florida. Being single in California was way more acceptable. Being alone is also a relationship status that is easy to fall in love with - just the simplicity of aloneness.

But l enjoy the relationship posts, because people really open up about what they are trying to work out.

Nothing wrong with being single at all We like what we like. So much of our wellness culture wants us to be afraid of happiness, and worship some ridiculous optimization of the human being.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

My marriage started to unravel because my career took off while he was still unemployed after Uni. The mortgage and all our assets went in my name, not just because it was my money but because he didn't qualify for loans from the bank. He started to unravel. He forbade me from bringing any work home on weekends or from talking about work at all, because he said he was jealous and felt threatened.

I've had girlfriends who resented anything I could do, too. Awesome, grounded people who were threatened by happiness; work ethic; hobbies; me having purpose, and so on.

 

[Ella Spell]

This is brilliant:

The more I share about our relationship and breakup, the more vindicated he will feel in his fears. But if I don’t write about it, he succeeds in forcing my silence. If I don’t go into enough detail, the story won’t resonate with people who have experienced similar dynamics, but if I share too much, I run the risk of coming across as bitter and vengeful.

As a writer I deal with this all the time, not just in relationships but from friends and my blog audience. Initially, my partner was intimidated by how much time I spent writing, whether in my journal, my blog, on forums, or even PM with online friends. He's very verbal and I'm not. I was finishing a book last year during a rough time in our relationship. He knew that he or our dynamic would influence my writing, and he encouraged it as an outlet, but still felt like he could never fully access my mind in verbal conversations. It's like a mysterious veil he'll never be able to cross, but he respects it and knows I wouldn't be myself without written words.

Thanks so much for sharing.

 

[Ella Spell]

I've had girlfriends who resented anything I could do, too. Awesome, grounded people who were threatened by happiness; work ethic; hobbies; me having purpose, and so on.

How dare you have purpose!

 

[Ella Spell]

The Bell Jar, too.

 

[Aspychata]

I've had girlfriends who resented anything I could do, too. Awesome, grounded people who were threatened by happiness; work ethic; hobbies; me having purpose, and so on.

Sorry to hear that.

Having purpose is so important. Maybe purpose outweighs relationships in a perfect universe. Woman continually fall for the perfect relationship hype and end up battered and bruised and dysfunctional. I actually have convinced two girlfriends to quit searching for men, and start finding themselves, and l am happy to report, they did change.

 

[Darkkin]

Resentment over the efforts and achievements of others (especially those of family, close friends, or significant others) is one of the biggest indicators of potentially toxic personality traits.

Such resentment can lead to weaponised passive-aggressive behaviours and active appeasement by the resented party to placate the resenter in order to avoid a confrontation. Such situations can become codependent and often toxic.

If a person isn't comfortable with themselves, they can, and often do, see the achievements of others as a direct threat to their own self worth, in essence the achiever is diverting the positive affirmation and social praise that should rightfully belong to them. It is an emotionally juvenile mindset and is often excused by all parties involved in the dynamic.

Want to complain about another's success and goals you didn't work to attain? This is another term for entitlement and it is a root factor in the fostering of resentment.

 

[paloftoon]

How long were you in a relationship with the boyfriend of yours?
Another thought I had is that maybe he was really attracted to your looks a lot. And then, as he got to know you more, maybe rather than his being upset at being a writer, maybe the real truth is that he didn't like the money you were making from writing and felt that he was taking on too much financial burden for both of you.

Usually, people don't want to say that money is a reason to break up because especially in the US, there's emphasis that true love shouldn't be about money.
While there's some truth to that, the finances do somewhat matter. For people that are filthy rich, easiest just to consider pre-nups as they don't have a lot of people that are that compatible with them.

Maybe he didn't like the autistic side of you or felt that dealing with both as a combination was too much for him.
People aren't always so direct about why they choose what they do because sometimes, they think those things will hurt more and not help. Unfortunately, they may be right.
As someone online who doesn't know either of you, I could be off. It's just a guess, and I hope this post is only potentially helpful to you and not hurtful @Mr. Stevens.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Thank you, @paloftoon, but I'm not the author of the article I posted. I've never had a boyfriend. I just posted the article because I could relate to the author's general experience, and I thought others might too. I know many relationships for Autistic people involve them being scapegoated and abused.

I also question our definitions of love and relationships. I know two couples who are great models for a good marriage, but they seem very much in the minority. I read articles like this because I wonder if few people are really suited for lifelong commitment.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I enjoyed the perspective of this psychologist. He provides some useful things to think about, especially around Valentine's Day when many are thinking about love. Our earliest ancestors would probably laugh at the idea of finding "the one," which we find so meaningful.

Enough with finding ‘the one’. Let’s become better at loving the people we already have

 

[Uppity Creek]

Resentment over the efforts and achievements of others (especially those of family, close friends, or significant others) is one of the biggest indicators of potentially toxic personality traits.

Such resentment can lead to weaponised passive-aggressive behaviours and active appeasement by the resented party to placate the resenter in order to avoid a confrontation. Such situations can become codependent and often toxic.

In recent years I've begun writing; call them essays, short stories, I don't know. I post them on Facebook and get a good response. Many have encouraged me to write a book. The rub: all this has to be done after my wife goes to bed at night. She gets upset seeing me write, and gets jealous when folks respond to my posts favorably. Because, they are NOT responding to her posts in the same manner. So, I put her to bed, then came out and type away. And I block her from reading my posts.

It wasn't that long ago that I didn't understand what passive-aggressive really meant. When my wife is friendly to me, everything is going fine, and she then turns to the dog and tells him, in a cute voice, "at least you'll always love me unconditionally and never be mean to me, like some around here", I think that's what I'm hearing, huh?

 

[Mr. Stevens]

^ We can't really love partners unconditionally, though, can we? I mean, if they cheat, it would be totally fair to leave them.

 

[Rodafina]

In recent years I've begun writing; call them essays, short stories, I don't know. I post them on Facebook and get a good response. Many have encouraged me to write a book. The rub: all this has to be done after my wife goes to bed at night. She gets upset seeing me write, and gets jealous when folks respond to my posts favorably. Because, they are NOT responding to her posts in the same manner. So, I put her to bed, then came out and type away. And I block her from reading my posts.

It wasn't that long ago that I didn't understand what passive-aggressive really meant. When my wife is friendly to me, everything is going fine, and she then turns to the dog and tells him, in a cute voice, "at least you'll always love me unconditionally and never be mean to me, like some around here", I think that's what I'm hearing, huh?

This makes me really sad considering the post you wrote the other day of the girl that you were great friends with, but went in different directions. It’s unfortunate that your partnership has become this toxic for you. The way your wife treats you and interacts with you sounds absolutely crushing.

 

[Ella Spell]

^ We can't really love partners unconditionally, though, can we? I mean, if they cheat, it would be totally fair to leave them.

I think the beauty of love is that it IS conditional.
That brings out the best in both people.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I think the beauty of love is that it IS conditional.
That brings out the best in both people.

I agree wholeheartedly! I've mentioned before, but I feel the same way with pets. You give them safety, shelter and food, and in return they care for you, protect you and assist you as best they can. It is very conditional, but is also very easy to understand and the mutual care is obvious. If that isn't real love, I don't know what is.