Very little need for contact while in a relationship

[Aspychata]

I didn't know if I should write this or not - yes, he is in the "gray zone" of asexuality. But I've never thought that this is connected to this plain "romantic" stuff! O.O

Oops - this become more complicated.

 

[Klara]

Did you check the criteria? If they describe him, it may help to understand why he does that.

Yes, I've checked them, but it's very hard for me to say if he fits in. In some criteria he does, in other he does not.

 

[Aspychata]

Are you prepared to just be friends only? That could be the only outcome? I don't want to disappoint you but sometimes that's the best when you are on the spectrum. I have had people say that is a cop-out. But l truly believe that some types really don't want a togetherness, they prefer seeing someone and keeping their independence. It feels healthier and more genuine.

 

[Darwin]

Yes, I've checked them, but it's very hard for me to say if he fits in. In some criteria he does, in other he does not.

If someone doesn’t have all of them, they can’t be diagnosed with autism, but there is a possibility that, at that age, he managed to mask some of them. The only way to know for sure if someone has autism or not is to have some knowledge about their childhood. That’s actually one of the criteria, that the symptoms must begin in childhood.

Or he may just be shy to initiate a conversation with you. Does he get excited if you initiate a conversation with him? Do you think he treats you differently than other people?

 

[Klara]

Are you prepared to just be friends only? That could be the only outcome? I don't want to disappoint you but sometimes that's the best when you are on the spectrum.

I'm afraid not - this would be too painful for me at this point, you see, we have a long history with him being distant and me being heart-broken. I couldn't stand it once more. That's why I want to do the best I can in order to make it work - because at this point is one way or another.

 

[Klara]

I
Or he may just be shy to initiate a conversation with you. Does he get excited if you initiate a conversation with him? Do you think he treats you differently than other people?

You know, that's the thing - I think he treats me like his best bros (exepct the kissing - at least I hope so! )... like he didn't get that our friendship got upgraded and now is a relationship. And now I've got a bit different expactations and he doesn't understand/see it.

 

[Darwin]

You know, that's the thing - I think he treats me like his best bros (exepct the kissing - at least I hope so! )... like he didn't get it that our friendship got upgraded and now is a relationship. And now I've got a bit different expactations and he doesn't get it.

So, you didn’t explicitly say that you loved him? Maybe try to make it clear that you love him and want him to be you boyfriend. I hope he has the same feelings towards you. Good luck.

If he still doesn’t ask for contact, it would be helpful if you asked him why. It would not matter so much whether he is on the spectrum or not if you knew how he feels. And, eventually, you will need to be honest with each other about everything any way, so it would be a good start to try and ask him why.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe first ask if you can discuss some feelings you have for him. Then if he seems open to that discussion- then you can go there. But this is a difficult time right now to have serious discussions. Maybe hold off until he gets back to his happy place- gym- job, etc...

 

[Klara]

So, you didn’t explicitly say that you loved him? Maybe try to make it clear that you love him and want him to be you boyfriend. I hope he has the same feelings towards you. Good luck.

If he still doesn’t ask for contact, it would be helpful if you asked him why. It would not matter so much whether he is on the spectrum or not if you knew how he feels. And, eventually, you will need to be honest with each other about everything any way, so it would be a good start to try and ask him why.

Hahaha I need to explain - he asked me to be his girlfriend, so technically we are together
I've also alredy asked him, why he doesn't contact me more and he said just that he's not used to. But this is confusing for me, because I've got this image in my head that the in the beginning of a relationship you are so excited, that you want to be with the other person as often, as you can. And he just doesn't feel like it.

Thank you for your responses, guys! It seems that I need to make some compromises with this Mr. Independent of mine

 

[unperson]

'Don't crowd me' would be my sentiments - I find it too high density, I likes my space.

 

[Fino]

I disagree (on asexuality not being relevant); while not explicitly the result of sexual arousal, I believe the latent/near-latent sexual feelings, or lack thereof, that exist toward a person affect every aspect of interaction, from casual conversation, to texting, to motivation for making plans to see one another, and so on. Whether or not an atmosphere is sexually charged--including the atmosphere of someone alone in their bedroom texting--has a massive impact on the behavior of those in the environment.

I'm not attempting to definitively state that this is the explanation for his behavior. I'm only pointing out what I think could be a possible factor.

And I don't have the sources to back it up, but if I recall correctly, there is some connection between asexuality and autism.

 

[Rasputin]

Soo... can asexuality be connected to the spectrum of autism?

It is possible that he is just inexperienced, sexually. I was like this until age 27, and had little experience dating. Then that all changed. If he trusts you and you are willing to take the lead, you might find he is NOT asexual. People with ASD do tend to have difficulties recognizing social cues, and if he is inexperienced he may not know how to initiate "romantic" behàvior. However, once initiated, primal instincts should kick in.

One thing I would suggest is to not criticize if he does not know what to do. That could cause him to feel performance anxiety, and lead to other problems.

Sorry, I tend to be direct and was trying to be tactful. Good luck! I hope this is helpful.

 

[Aspychata]

I disagree (on asexuality not being relevant); while not explicitly the result of sexual arousal, I believe the latent/near-latent sexual feelings, or lack thereof, that exist toward a person affect every aspect of interaction, from casual conversation, to texting, to motivation for making plans to see one another, and so on. Whether or not an atmosphere is sexually charged--including the atmosphere of someone alone in their bedroom texting--has a massive impact on the behavior of those in the environment.

I'm not attempting to definitively state that this is the explanation for his behavior. I'm only pointing out what I think could be a possible factor.

And I don't have the sources to back it up, but if I recall correctly, there is some connection between asexuality and autism.

I went back and educated myself and was surprised at what l learned. I didn't realise asexuality had so many options. I thought there was only one option. I was totally wrong. Thanks for breaking it down.

Another thing that l need to think about in regards to myself. Lol

 

[Aspychata]

Hahaha I need to explain - he asked me to be his girlfriend, so technically we are together
I've also alredy asked him, why he doesn't contact me more and he said just that he's not used to. But this is confusing for me, because I've got this image in my head that the in the beginning of a relationship you are so excited, that you want to be with the other person as often, as you can. And he just doesn't feel like it.

Thank you for your responses, guys! It seems that I need to make some compromises with this Mr. Independent of mine

I just jumped to go see a very *independent guy* when l should have stayed home. But he is so independent that l am afraid l may not see him for 3 months so l struggle with every decision. I just started a very demanding double shift job (very demanding 9.5 hours) and moved (apartments) with no days off and said yes the min he said he had time. Then completely passed out at his place, probably sheer exhaustion, hadn't eaten, stress of pandemic- it was the first week into it. It was a poor choice and now l am in trouble for my poor choice but when you never know when they just decide to take a break and not see you for a half a year. DId 3 double shifts my first week, my second week - l had more double shifts and l am not a spring chicken. So l get what you are saying because l never know really where l stand in his world because he is super independent - and l know zero again. Lol.
But l truly wish you luck. You are so sincere in your feelings. So many of us never meet anyone we really feel attracted to and when it hits us, you definitely know it.

 

[Aspychata]

Also l have dealt with a situation that they kind of need to disappear for certain time frame and l get really sad because they totally withdraw and l know absolutely nothing about how they are doing. I cried several years in a row. Now l am sorta of just staying low and gearing up for it to happen again and l am trying to just step back this year because l have enough issues l deal with daily.

 

[Ylva]

If he has internalized messages from media and culture that say stuff like you shouldn't call someone before a couple of days after you say you will, that might be why.

 

[paloftoon]

You should simply be as direct and as straight-forward as you can be. Don't demand, but rather tell him your preferences and see how he likes things. Maybe he's not sure. Ask him also if he feels that contacting more often than once a week feels like too much pressure or things moving too fast. Ask him his preferences in getting close. Even though you've been friends for over a year, being and building a relationship is still different. He might want to take his time with this relationship like he would with other ones just because he wants to take his time with the physical aspects. Maybe you two need to talk about the physical aspects. What kind of things you both like and don't. What you do and don't know. Suggest he reach out to a trusted doctor, trusted counselor, and/or trusted friends about STDs and risk tolerance if he isn't sure how he feels about these kind of things and how he wants to feel. Don't push, but don't wait forever either. If he's unsure for too long, and you want that physicalness and he isn't giving it to you, you can let him know that you need that physicalness and need to start looking around if it comes to that. You need to be able to be honest with him like this. This circumstance and the way this discussion goes is a natural, unintended "test" for the quality of your relationship. So, it is a positive crossroads even though very frustrating.

 

[menander]

I Have great need to be alone. I heard a man today who was an ex monk married to a former nun. Now that is the way. Both used to time alone, silence, at peace without constant need of "another" yet enjoying being alone together.

your partner likes to be alone. You do not. That is a problem because neither of you can change that course easily.

 

[Alexej]

I'm a bit confused, because my partner doesn't act like a "typical" person in love - at least not in a way that I am used to.

This thing of being "in love" confuses me. I do not know what it is to be "in love" in the head over heels feeling swept off your feet sense. I have not felt that and this has caused some issues in my relationship with my wife. She was expecting me to know that I knew that I wanted to be with her. I understood this to look like a head over heels type of feeling in me and that feeling just wasn't there.

For me I had certainty that I was committed to her and did not need minute by minute reassurance of this and therefore did not think that she needed/wanted it - so I did not. It was a given - and that was that. (As a bit of background and context I am not the most effusive or emotionally expressive of people - in case you had not guessed).

Maybe this might shed some light on your how and/or why bf is acting the way he does.

 

[Aspychata]

This thing of being "in love" confuses me. I do not know what it is to be "in love" in the head over heels feeling swept off your feet sense. I have not felt that and this has caused some issues in my relationship with my wife. She was expecting me to know that I knew that I wanted to be with her. I understood this to look like a head over heels type of feeling in me and that feeling just wasn't there.

For me I had certainty that I was committed to her and did not need minute by minute reassurance of this and therefore did not think that she needed/wanted it - so I did not. It was a given - and that was that. (As a bit of background and context I am not the most effusive or emotionally expressive of people - in case you had not guessed).

Maybe this might shed some light on your how and/or why bf is acting the way he does.

I totally agree. It's a quiet emotion but nevertheless an engulfing emotion for me. Just knowing that l want to be around someone but being overtly anything doesn't truly speak for my underlying strong passion. I actually am in awe of these feelings. Didn't know they even existed. Sometimes l just stop and think what do l do with these feelings????