What am I missing in this conversation?

[Suzette]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

 

[tree]

Looks to me that he was reinforcing the idea
that the visit would take place next week.

Since you had mistakenly thought it was for the 20th,
he was making sure the actual date was securely
established for you, now.

 

[Sarah S]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

Youre husband is trying to tell you that said visit is scheduled next week ( 25) Suzette that's all. He understood and recognized youre disappointment but he also points out he had told you this earlier. So said visit is this coming week the 25

 

[Suzette]

Looks to me that he was reinforcing the idea
that the visit would take place next week.

Since you had mistakenly thought it was for the 20th,
he was making sure the actual date was securely
established for you, now.

Why would he think he has to do that? How is acknowledging the mistake not enough?

 

[Crossbreed]

I think that you two should compromise and change it to the 22nd & 12 hours later...!

 

[tree]

@Suzette
The only way I can get an idea of what somebody else is thinking
is to put myself into the position of the other person. So, if it were
me, in the position of your husband, I would be establishing the
correct date, assuring you that you now have the correct date in
mind.

There wouldn't be any secret mysterious unfathomable sub-message
involved. I would just be verifying that you are correct with the
later date.

 

[Aspychata]

You aren't feeling heard? Does this happen a lot and you are just noticing it?

I would ask did you think l said the 20th? Okay then?

Perhaps a calender on the boat fridge?

 

[Judge]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

He reiterated what didn't really need to be said because it was his way of chastising your confusion.

 

[Suzette]

You aren't feeling heard? Does this happen a lot and you are just noticing it?

I would ask did you think l said the 20th? Okay then?

Perhaps a calender on the boat fridge?

What I am frustrated with is his instence on repeating the date. As though I am unable to understand.

At this point I don't know if I misunderstood the date originally, or if he told me the wrong date as this date was set a couple of weeks ago. It does not matter.
Now he has told me the correct date. I think correcting me one time is enough. Why does he repeat himself?

 

[Judge]

What I am frustrated with is his instence on repeating the date. As though I am unable to understand.

At this point I don't know if I misunderstood the date originally, or if he told me the wrong date as this date was set a couple of weeks ago. It does not matter.
Now he has told me the correct date. I think correcting me one time is enough. Why does he repeat himself?

You know, there's a term for such a thing. Some would consider it simply passive-aggressive in nature.

Which is probably what really pisses you off, and why you bothered to post about it.

 

[Suzette]

You know, there's a term for such a thing. Some would consider it simply passive-aggressive in nature.

Which is probably what really pisses you off, and why you bothered to post about it.

Yes! Exactly!
I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt though because there is a chance I don't understand what he is thinking.
But maybe he was just being a jerk.

But it is so confusing the way people try to gaslight others. Why do it? What is the point?

Later he told me that he was repeating himself because I was having an emotional melt down. That is simply untrue. It is such a baldfaced lie I just stared at him with a flat effect.

People are weird! My husband is weird.

 

[Gerontius]

I would've guessed everyone in the boat is just a tiny bit stressed, maybe, and since I cannot deduce tone via print, it could almost sound like the kinds of conversations my (very few) friends & I have had while joking around.

The repeating the date bit reminds me of a conversation I had awhile ago--I think all of us were a bit stressed out. We were all cramming for a test at college on the 2nd and 3rd centuries AD around Rome, so as we were trying to get out the library--and my friends were stalling trying to figure out, the library began to fill up with people all of whom were talking, we were running late again, and in the middle of all of it he asks about some early controversy over heresies which I suppose the early Christians were doing while they weren't being eaten up by lions or something else unpleasant, "Is St Clement of Alexandria?"

And I half-yelled at him, "No, St Clement of Alexandria is not the founder of the Montanist heresy! He's practically the exact opposite; that was Tertullian's job!"


So with all due respect I think you might be overlooking that your husband may also be a bit stressed. Just because autistic people have fairly hairy moments with this doesn't mean that neurotypicals do not.

The test had little to do with the Montanists, or the ultramontanists, or Monty Python. (Sad but true.) We all passed with high grades.

I'm trying to recognize the signs coming on of these moments when I basically snap.

 

[Judge]

Yes! Exactly!
I wanted to give him benefit of the doubt though because there is a chance I don't understand what he is thinking.
But maybe he was just being a jerk.

But it is so confusing the way people try to gaslight others. Why do it? What is the point?

Later he told me that he was repeating himself because I was having an emotional melt down. That is simply untrue. It is such a baldfaced lie I just stared at him with a flat effect.

People are weird! My husband is weird.

The thing is, in this context you're a couple that is growing old. And with growing old comes varying degrees of simple forgetfulness. Inevitable, and relatively normal. And no, all the schlocky products advertised on television to miraculously give you back your short term memory are not a serious solution.

He needs to cut you some slack there, because at some point he will be doing the same thing.

 

[Suzette]

Well, we are only in our 50s. Far too young to need geriatric accomodations.

I will carefully consider stress as a reason for miscommunication. There maybe truth to it though nothing is known to me at this moment.

 

[Judge]

Well, we are only in our 50s. Far too young to need geriatric accomodations.

"Knock on wood." Given everyone's individual metabolisms, we all age at a different pace. And those ten years in your 50s can move faster than you think.

"But then today's 60s are the new 40s, right?". ROTFLMAO. <FACEPALM>

 

[Suzette]

"Knock on wood." Given everyone's individual metabolisms, we all age at a different pace. And those ten years in your 50s can move faster than you think.

"But then today's 60s are the new 40s, right?". ROTFLMAO. <FACEPALM>

You should see my mother backpacking in the high country of the rockies, off trail using a compass and topo map to count Pika. She is 74.
My aunt Ester volunteered at the senior center until she was 92. Age might be more than a number but it is at least 60% attitude!

 

[Matthias]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

I think you, whether consciously or unconsciously, were seeking empathy which is basically him sharing your feelings and connecting with you on an emotional level. I think you were frustrated because he just kept providing an answer without understanding that you wanted empathy.

I'm not good at it but here's how he could have responded in a more empathetic way:

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- That's a bummer. I'd be disappointed too. Fortunately, it's only 5 days later on the 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - No problem. It happens to all of us from time to time.

I think most people greatly underestimate the importance of empathy. I feel better talking to strangers who respond with empathy and understanding than I did talking to friends who communicated without empathy.

 

[Thinx]

I think thats useful, what @Matthias said.

I'm having trouble empathising with why you are so irritated with Yr hubby. I guess one had to be there.

Similar miscommunication happens between me and others sometimes. It is irritating at the time. Plus you were disappointed.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am not sure about your husband, but with me,...unfortunately, I have a habit of quickly firing off a response without thinking. Afterwards, my inner monologue is saying, "That didn't come out right." However, by then, I've already said it and my wife responded,...probably much like you would have in this case. Furthermore, I do repeat things that I am trying to emphasize,...I catch myself doing it all the time, sometimes 2, 3, 4 times during a single short conversation. I don't know why, but my inner monologue is asking, "What the heck was all that about?",...but,...too late. What's done is done.

My brain is often way ahead of my mouth sometimes and I stumble over my words. Sometimes, if I am in an emotional state,...even though I am hiding it,...I can come off like a jerk with what comes out of my mouth sometimes. Writing,...I do much better. Verbal communication,...it's real hit and miss.

 

[Tom]

My read is that your husband had a bit of an attitude at the time. He wasn't being empathetic or sympathetic when you shared you had made a mistake about the plan and were now disappointed. Rather he was being brusque, a bit cold about it.