What am I missing in this conversation?

[Suzette]

@Mattias, yes, you are very close. The first two lines are all I am expecting.
Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- That's a bummer. I'd be disappointed too. Fortunately, it's only 5 days later on the 25th

That is all I am expecting.

I wouldn't bother restating that I had misunderstood. There is no need.

 

[Aspychata]

I have felt your frustration come through on several of your previous posts. I am not sure really what to say. I don't know if you have been in denial and now it's starting to catch up with you. I am scratching my head.

 

[Suzette]

I have felt your frustration come through on several of your previous posts. I am not sure really what to say. I don't know if you have been in denial and now it's starting to catch up with you. I am scratching my head.

I certainly have not been in denial. More that I don't know when my thoughts or feelings are appropriate or that I have misunderstood something. Especially with conversations like these. Which is why I posted.
This conversation did not feel good to me and it was frustrating.
I should clarify I am frustrated with my lack of understanding.
Why didn't the conversation feel good?
What did my husband want me to say?

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think your husband is missing the fact that the wife is always right. So if you thought he said the 20th, he said the 20th and he got the date wrong.

A Word to Husbands, by Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

 

[Nervous Rex]

What I am frustrated with is his instence on repeating the date. As though I am unable to understand.

At this point I don't know if I misunderstood the date originally, or if he told me the wrong date as this date was set a couple of weeks ago. It does not matter.
Now he has told me the correct date. I think correcting me one time is enough. Why does he repeat himself?

It sounds like you understood what he said, but you were focused on your emotional reaction - you were disappointed that the date was different and now have to adjust.

And it sounds like he was only focused on the date and either not noticing or not responding to your expression of emotions.

He may have been thinking, "I told her the date. Why are we still going over this?"
And you may have been thinking, "I'm just disappointed. Why doesn't he see that?" The conversation felt bad to you, because you feel like your emotions were ignore and not validated.

It's two people talking about the same thing, but having two completely different conversations.

 

[Aspychata]

Ask your husband these questions. Communication is very important in long-term relationships. It's more maintenence so that you both don't slide into bad habits. It's hard sometimes for us to have these talks but it's more of connecting and that both of you feel understood and connected.

The outcome of connecting is always good. If it's bad then you need to start analyzing deeper.

 

[cornman]

People will sometimes reiterate things in this manner to "drive the idea home" which is both chastising and a attempt to make certain that the point is learned, often to excess.

For example

timmy: "hey mom, im gonna clean my room.. but you know its just kind of a pain..."
mom: "sure son... just make sure its done by tonight"
timmy: "i will make sure to do it tonight, but man you know how much of a pain it is.."
mom: "like i said, done by tonight please"
timmy: "of course mom, but you know...."

and so on...

In the above example, timmy's responses were annoying his mom and showed that he was being a bit lazy, trying to worm his way out of cleaning his room. In response his mom "drove it home" that he needed to do it by tonight. Each response from timmy increased the annoyance and frustration from mom and yielded a sterner reiteration of what she wanted from him.

Whats interesting is that i see the same kind thing here in regards to this particular interaction with you husband except you weren't being annoying or trying to do something unwanted. You just wanted some sympathy but he instead choose to "drive the point home" anyway.

I think he was being a bit grumpy and got annoyed. Its not your fault. It could be that he was having a bad day for whatever reason or just didn't wanna talk at that moment. That was a bit immature and mean of him but, honestly, everyone has those kind of moments.

 

[Au Naturel]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

Sounds like he is saying "Not my fault!" over and over. he was probably prepared for you to try to blame him and when you didn't he still went into defensive mode regardless.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you to everyone responding to this thread.

I started this trhread today looking to clarify a conversation that was probematic for me. There were some very good comments from many and each helped me to achieve that clarity that I sought.

@Aspychatta correctly observed that I am sometimes frustrated with my husband. Marriage is like that sometimes. We are just individuals with independant ideas, thoughts and experiences. So sometimes we might appear to be aliens to one another when we momentarily clash. As frustrating as that is, it's just life and family.

One of the most difficult things for me, perhaps because I am autistic, or maybe just because I am human, is that I can get overwhelmed by my emotions. I look and sound perfectly calm. But inside there is chaos. I am haveing feelings that I can't label except to say "something is wrong". So it come down to trying to figure out if someone has done something that I rationally should be upset by, or if I am simply experiencing a momentary activation of my amygdala. And in that moment, I just want to fix it. But in order to fix it, you have to know what it is yes?

But I forget that often the thing I want to fix is just how I feel and everything else is really just humming along according to the pace of life. In short, there is no "thing" to fix. I just need to feel better. And often the answer to that is just time and a little distraction via a song or video or maybe accomplishing a chore.

 

[Fino]

It was my first thought that he took your statements as an accusation against him, that you were implying he had given you the wrong date. This put him into a state wherein he was defending his ego. When we unconsciously defend our egos, we will often say or do things that are worse than what we would be doing or saying otherwise. All of our focus becomes absorbed by the task.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's a "no-fault" situation, but if the conversation went exactly as quoted, there's a clarity issue. FWIW it doesn't look like an NT/ND thing to me.

I think it would have been simpler if you'd immediately confirmed that the original plan was still acceptable to you, or if your husband had asked a question after your second sentence.

 

[watersprite]

I think it’s a matter of your amygdala taking issue with his.

Pausing to consider what you actually need from the other person before speaking can help.

Like @Gerontius and @Aspychata said, if the people are stressed, communication goes haywire.

Husband may have a default to ‘facts as he sees them’ mode. You may have a ‘reassure me & all is well’ mode.
Those 2 modes don’t sync well. If you can pause, check what you exactly want, it helps. Sometimes people aren’t in the right mindset/mode to give you the kind of communication you need.

p.s. have you read or seen the play, Blithe Spirit? (Noel Coward)

 

[Aspychata]

I think it’s a matter of your amygdala taking issue with his.

Pausing to consider what you actually need from the other person before speaking can help.

Like @Gerontius and @Aspychata said, if the people are stressed, communication goes haywire.

Husband may have a default to ‘facts as he sees them’ mode. You may have a ‘reassure me & all is well’ mode.
Those 2 modes don’t sync well. If you can pause, check what you exactly want, it helps. Sometimes people aren’t in the right mindset/mode to give you the kind of communication you need.

p.s. have you read or seen the play, Blithe Spirit? (Noel Coward)

This is a valid point. We all have off days. Sometimes we can't give the response desired of us. I can get this way if l really need validation which is undue pressure on my friend. It's selfish of me. But does it stop us? Nope.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

aliens ... I look and sound perfectly calm. But inside there is chaos. I am having feelings that I can't label except to say "something is wrong". So it come down to trying to figure out if someone has done something that I rationally should be upset by, or if I am simply experiencing a momentary activation of my amygdala. And in that moment, I just want to fix it. But in order to fix it, you have to know what it is yes?

1 - you think mathematically, 20 and 25 are wonderful round figures. A day of the week can help us double check. Negotiate with others to always mention the day of the week. Fix a BIG calendar to the household door. The grid is very visual which may speak to our memory strongly. When receiving a date, go over it with yourself several ways: what day of week, how many lines further down on the grid, etc.

I do most of this in my head currently: I think days of the week by sevens, then add or subtract by threes or fours. Some things get written and the note left in a special place for notes of that kind (there are other places for other notes).

2 - the first to mention emotion was you, your disappointment, but you didn't state with or about whom or what. Sometimes a comical smile helps show. Or doing with the mouth and hands like "Home Alone"? A wink?

3 - when affirming reception of someone's information but feeling tongue tied I sometimes nod emphatically, point my finger briefly upwards, etc.

4 - "I really wanted them here on the 20 th" says too much without saying anything, unless you are writing a comedy script. We all "really wanted" loads, but those reviews are better suited to a moment when something practical isn't foremost.

5 - You could study lists of emotions in thesauruses, dictionaries, vocabulary lists, there is an infinite number of descriptions, then you can gradually pick up when or if you are going through some of those. By this method (piggy backing on my love of words) I discovered that I am a very emotional person (in a way that I'm not ashamed of). Start with just the words.

This is the opposite way round from the "teaching aids" which overload us with the situations or the faces just when we're stumped.

Older novels or philosophy books sometimes had a vivid usage of vocabulary.

6 - As a visual thinker I enthusiastically recommend it to others. One could mentally - or on paper - mind map or flow-chart "is there something to fix" / "has someone already fixed it" etc etc. With practice, this gets quick, and relaxed.

7 - "Aliens": right: when things get like this, and when they don't, you can bring planets (which sound respectable) into your vocabulary, e.g "Planet Suzette reading Planet Hubble". When I was 7 the teacher used to say to me "Planet Earth to Planet {Wolfgangus's first name}, come in please", which I thought hilarious because sputniks were glamorous and I felt promoted.

 

[Chibimaddy]

I just had the following conversation with my husband about a visit from our friends.

To me, the conversation was pretty much over with my first line. I was getting frustrated trying to figure out what my husband wanted.

Me - Shoot! I thought you said the 20th. I am disappointed.
Him- The 25th.
Me- Yup. That is what you said. I just misunderstood the first time.
Him - They will be here next week.
Me- Ya. That's too bad. I really wanted them here on the 20th.
Him - I told you next week.

What are your opinions?

To me it just sounds like two people kind of struggling over who as the last word because he just appeared to respond to you each time you commented.

 

[Soleil]

I hate when people do this.
Them: You should do it this way.
Me: Oh, I thought I should do it this other way, because of these reasons.
Them: No you should do it this way, because of these reasons.

I'm just trying to explain myself, but apparently they think I'm trying to argue with them? I'm perfectly fine doing it their way, I'm just trying to explain my thought process. I've learned that it's best to give up explaining myself in these situations.

 

[Chibimaddy]

I hate when people do this.
Them: You should do it this way.
Me: Oh, I thought I should do it this other way, because of these reasons.
Them: No you should do it this way, because of these reasons.

I'm just trying to explain myself, but apparently they think I'm trying to argue with them? I'm perfectly fine doing it their way, I'm just trying to explain my thought process. I've learned that it's best to give up explaining myself in these situations.

I've found (via my husband) he doesn't care nor want to know why I misunderstood him, or did things the way I did. He just wants me to get him and he doesn't want to have these "misunderstanding discussions" in the middle of trying to do things. I try to write the down in hopes of discussing later. I've yet to have the "later" conversations, but because I've rotten things down, I can sometimes casually say something that doesn't seem so interupptibe or whatever.

I hope you can have the connections you need in your relationships.

 

[Chibimaddy]

Sorry about the typos.