What Are Common Annoying Things NTs Do in Relationships?

[AO1501]

For me, the exasperation was that my ex would listen to what I said, and interpret my words into what she thought I meant, or possibly what she wanted me to have meant, and then throw that interpretation back at me whenever she wanted to make a point, ignoring my remonstration that what she attributed to me was not what I said.

It totally stripped me of my voice in the relationship, and meant that whenever I did have something to say, I either kept it to myself, or had to work out how to phrase it so that she would somehow get the meaning right. In the first instance my silence on many topics damaged the relationship, and in the second... well, that really didn't work anyway.

Ultimately, this was a large part of why the relationship failed, and that it did not disappoint me when it did.

 

[BraidedPony]

Would you really say that whole paragraph? I’m really asking because my ex, an NT, would never have listened to me that long. Hence, the pending divorce!
By the time i was saying” emotionally a hard time...” i would be talking to the back of his head as he walked out of the room. Lol.

 

[BraidedPony]

AO, its like we cant win with some people, if we dont talk we are being closed off, if we talk we are misunderstood.

 

[AO1501]

AO, its like we cant win with some people, if we dont talk we are being closed off, if we talk we are misunderstood.

Those do seem to be the only options in relationships with some people, and I have never really understood a way around the problem. I recall one particular incident where I told my ex that no, I had not said what it was that she said I had said, and her reply was that I might not have said it, but that she knew that was what I had meant, anyway.

A no-win for either of us really. But ultimately, her loss.

 

[BraidedPony]

Lol, sounds familiar to me too. That is why Im going to stay single for freaking forever.
Life, cant live with it, cant live without it.

 

[Gr82bk8]

Would you really say that whole paragraph? I’m really asking because my ex, an NT, would never have listened to me that long. Hence, the pending divorce!
By the time i was saying” emotionally a hard time...” i would be talking to the back of his head as he walked out of the room. Lol.

Yes I really said that, but that's the benefit of being with an aspie instead of a fellow NT. My aspie bf appreciates when I explain what's going on and listens to it all at face value instead of reading a bunch of stuff into it and immediately going on the defensive. Honestly it's the best thing ever to know I can speak plainly like that, and he thinks it's the best thing ever that I'm willing to do it instead of expecting him to read between the lines, which is simply isn't wired to do.

 

[AO1501]

Lol, sounds familiar to me too. That is why Im going to stay single for freaking forever.
Life, cant live with it, cant live without it.

I couldn't agree more!

Except in my case, after almost 6 years on my own and very happy, I met my new partner........ an Aspie! She is truly awesome, and doesn't interpret at all. It is such a relief, and makes all the difference in the world!

 

[pamelaperejil]

One thing I find annoying is that it's difficult to get people to begin at the beginning with these things, to have them acknowledge that we must establish a common frame of reference instead of simply applying effort according to our own frames of reference when that repeatedly fails.

This.

The problem that occurs in any NT relationship, regardless if the other has ASD or not, is failures at having adequate communication prior. The assumption is that the other person can change or wants to change, or that they will compromise fairly, or at all.

It would be ideal if both persons could find out, before a committed relationship is considered, what that other persons' views are about the current relationship, and any future one with that other, in terms of communication, acceptable behaviors, compatability, disagreements, unfulfilled desires, compromise, short and long term goals, needs, etc.

This, with a proviso. It's nice when they can, but I don't believe it's reasonable to expect that two people will only enter into a relationship having nailed all those things down first. It may be that they're ultimately incompatible, for reasons they weren't fully aware of when entering the relationship. In those cases, I think it's important for both to realize that that's nobody's fault.

 

[pamelaperejil]

For me, the exasperation was that my ex would listen to what I said, and interpret my words into what she thought I meant, or possibly what she wanted me to have meant, and then throw that interpretation back at me whenever she wanted to make a point, ignoring my remonstration that what she attributed to me was not what I said.

It totally stripped me of my voice in the relationship, and meant that whenever I did have something to say, I either kept it to myself, or had to work out how to phrase it so that she would somehow get the meaning right. In the first instance my silence on many topics damaged the relationship, and in the second... well, that really didn't work anyway.

Ultimately, this was a large part of why the relationship failed, and that it did not disappoint me when it did.

This.

 

[BraidedPony]

Yes I really said that, but that's the benefit of being with an aspie instead of a fellow NT. My aspie bf appreciates when I explain what's going on and listens to it all at face value instead of reading a bunch of stuff into it and immediately going on the defensive. Honestly it's the best thing ever to know I can speak plainly like that, and he thinks it's the best thing ever that I'm willing to do it instead of expecting him to read between the lines, which is simply isn't wired to do.

This was me, the Aspie, listening to my soon-to-be-ex, without defenses nor reading between the lines. This is great BUT not if the Aspie is with a manipulative psychopath. I think Aspies are particularly vulnerable to abuse.
Just to be clear, i think you are a nice person.

 

[Spoopy]

I hope I'm understanding this topic correctly and won't look like a total idiot.

Whenever it seems that my boyfriend is annoyed or has a bad expression, I'll just ask "are you okay?" Or something to that effect and then take his response at face value. Usually it will just be a case of "yeah, I'm fine. I'm just focusing on this" and when he's done it's like someone flicked a switch. Also if we've been in silence for a while (I'm bad for this too) we just ask each other "what are you thinking about?" and 9 times out of 10 it's not anything bad about the other person.

A couple of things I know annoy him:
1. If he's done something wrong, it's like pulling teeth to actually get me to tell him what it is because I don't want to criticize him or make him feel bad. I'm working on that though.
2. If I'm bored, I am the most annoying person. Like, closing the laptop while he's trying to send a message or pausing a video he's trying to watch. I'm trying to stop myself from taking it too far but it's the way my family is so it's oddly hard to stop.

 

[BraidedPony]

Spoopy, are you both Aspies? You sound very compatible.

 

[Spoopy]

Spoopy, are you both Aspies? You sound very compatible.

He is but as far as I know, I'm not. The thought has crossed my mind though considering how similar we are. It probably just comes from spending so much time with my older brother growing up (he is an aspie).

 

[MrSpock]

If he's done something wrong, it's like pulling teeth to actually get me to tell him what it is because I don't want to criticize him or make him feel bad. I'm working on that though.

Hadn't thought of this, it's something people DON'T do that I'm used to, but I wish they would. It would be such a relief to know that I'm either treating the other person well or getting the necessary feedback to do so. Having to guess at what other people are thinking and feeling is stressful and I'm probably not going to do a good job of it. If I have to guess at what is wrong then guess at an appropriate remedy it's not likely to happen.

To me, this is like not wanting to tell a tourist how to get somewhere, instead telling him that it's his holiday and whatever direction he chooses to go in is the right one. I guess a lot of people don't want to hear criticism, but I would think that that is likely one of the biggest things that such a person could legitimately be criticized for. It's not far from not wanting to learn, and that's a bigger insult than any swear words I know. So for someone to not want to criticize me because they think I'm going to be offended (when it's a legitimate point) is very likely to offend me more than whatever it is that they don't want to say. Only, I'm used to it, and I guess that they're doing it because they don't think like I do. The intent doesn't offend me, but the rest of what might be offensive about it is still there, it irks me.

 

[Spoopy]

To me, this is like not wanting to tell a tourist how to get somewhere, instead telling him that it's his holiday and whatever direction he chooses to go in is the right one.

That is a good point and I never really thought about it that way. Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't think he specifically can't take criticism. I just have a bad habit of never wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, legitimate complaint or not.

To his credit, whenever he finally does get it out of me, he usually comes back with "why on earth would I think that was dumb?" or something of that nature to make me feel like my feelings are legitimate.

 

[BraidedPony]

Feedback would be helpful. The word criticism is seen as a negative thing, but if given with good intentions, would be very helpful.
If I had been given clear verbal feedback growing up I might have been able to adjust and learn to have friends.
To avoid a sudden, to him, criticism you could try saying something like, Are you ready for some feedback?
This would make it alot easier for you too!

 

[Amanda241]

For me: I can't fill in, so please don't imply things and expect me to fill in the missing information. Say things directly, clearly and in full sentences. Also, when I ask a question, it's because I want specific information and my question is tailored to get that information. So please answer the question directly. Listen to the question, don't assume or preempt. I don't have hidden meaning or messages, so I mean exactly what I say, no more and no less. I don't say one thing, but mean another.

Exact;y! It drives me absolutely wild that I have to try to figure out what someone is actually saying. Stupid societal niceties that just cause more confusion than it's worth.

 

[DCA]

To avoid a sudden, to him, criticism you could try saying something like, Are you ready for some feedback?
This would make it alot easier for you too!

One technique I often use (though sometimes I do forget), is when I intend to criticize in a constructive manner, to lead first with something positive, before the criticism. The hope here is that acknowledging the positive aspects of the person will help defuse the impact of the negative aspects, putting the person in a better frame of mind to be thoughtful of the criticism. My ex never did this, despite me telling her that it is a useful technique. And thus she made me feel like crap whenever she did the "we need to talk" routine.

 

[Bella Pines]

A major breakthrough for me was this simple fact;

We will never understand each other.

No matter how hard we both try, my NT husband and I are no closer to understanding each other than we were when we started dating 20 years ago.

But we can predict each others behaviors, and we often recognize stress symptoms in each other before we recognize them in ourselves. We will also never get bored of each other. Most importantly, we have learned to communicate (and mostly recognize when things are going south and we are not communicating) and we finally mastered working as a team (early on in the 2nd decade!)

The things that annoy me the most (and he probably has a similar and longer list!) are;

• Neediness. His need for reassurance, do I still love him, blah blah blah
• Expectations. Apparently romantic partners behave in certain ways, again, blah blah blah
• Time. My time is precious and the little time I get outside work and kids I want to devote to my special interests, but back to the neediness, he thinks we should do things as a couple. I'm really fine just co-existing, really, that's more than enough!
• Social conformity. He does like to fit in and follow the herd. We have so many conversations about us going to some wedding because other people are going and it's the expected thing to do. Only problem is, I don't WANT to go.
• The comments. He'll say things like, when was the last time you washed that, or some random comment. Argh! So annoying! I've said to him a thousand times, "think about what you want and ask for it".
• Vagueness. He'll say, "you're isolating yourself, you need to spend more time with the kids". Even if I am playing on my laptop IN the house. I can't just "spend time" with people, it's not productive. I need to either go somewhere like a zoo or not bother. He still persists with this, we were sitting (doing nothing, with drinks) in the garden with his parents the other day and he took it as a victory, "there, isn't this nice" he said. No. Not. At. All.
• Rewrites history. He recalls events that never ACTUALLY happened. But he puts a dramatic twist on everything and rewrites history to prove whatever ridiculous emotional point he's trying to make.

Oh. whoops, should stop there, I do care very much for him, honest!! But we are very, VERY different. So I will never get bored of him, and he will probably never get bored of me. But we have now accepted each other for what we are and we recognize when and how to communicate, it just took a while.

 

[Reu]

It is difficult to follow conversations with all the mental processing that goes on in my mind, so when my wife (NT) talks about a lot of things at once my mind clouds over and it is hard to focus on/hear what she is saying and retain. It would help to talk about one thing at a time and pause to let the aspie catch up.