What Aspie traits positively enhance NT/AS relationships?

[Ylva]

A friend of mine says his wife claims to like that he is honest and direct, but that it shocks her when he is. Maybe all our traits are like that: both useful AND annoying.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

I think more than anything, it depends on which Aspie traits are most prominent in you and which NT traits they possess (let's be honest - not all NTs are the same, and neither are all aspies).

I'm on the spectrum, but only very mildly (although it didn't feel minor before the diagnosis... couldn't leave my room most of the time, mostly because I only knew that things were overwhelming but had no clue why. Now I know and understand so I can do something about it). My boyfriend is NT, but we click so incredibly well after only three months, and the biggest lesson from it for me has been not to settle for a relationship where my qualities were something negative to work through when, with the right person, the opposite is the case. However, I recognize that it doesn't work that way for everyone, and I'm lucky in that I've learned to cope pretty well and recognize my strengths and which weaknesses to consciously avoid.

****Anyway, I think the absolute biggest strength that makes my relationship work is communication. It took a hell of a lot of work for me to understand myself, but at 21 I can finally express what's going through my head, even when it doesn't make a lot of sense to an NT. I've been told that most NT guys have a very direct way of having conversations, while NT girls are much less structured in their patterns (apparently that's why Aspie girls tend to have more male friends and not a lot of female friends, we like structure). So, when my boyfriend and I first started getting close, I told him essentially that I will always, always, be straightforward; that doesn't mean I'll be hurtful if I recognize that it's hurtful, or inappropriate if I see that to be the case; what it does mean is that if I'm uncomfortable, upset, overwhelmed... or alternatively, of something makes me really happy or excited... I will explain it. Even if I don't understand why yet. I can say "Hey, I know it's not exactly fair because you do need sleep, but you falling asleep as soon as you got here last night was really upsetting to me." And he's so glad I communicate (which his last girlfriends, though NT, did not), that he doesn't get upset. He'll let me think through it - "I think it's because I was expecting to have time with you, and then you weren't interested in spending time with me" (he can then respond reassuring that he did want time with me, he was just so worn out he couldn't execute it), and then I can say "Ya know, now that I think about it, I don't think it's because you weren't spending time with me; I think it was because I was expecting one thing, and it kinda threw me off a lot to expect one event and have another occur. I still would have loved having you come over if I'd known you were just going to sleep, but knowing before you were snoring would have made me feel less panicked," and even though panicking over a change of plans wouldn't be his default reaction, he can take that information and adjust. So next time, if he's tired, he lets me know and him falling asleep is okay.

I know communication can be really difficult, expressing emotions even more so, but if you can get any amount of communication out there, it makes a world of difference. That can start by pointing him towards information on which traits are Aspie traits; a lot of resources explain the why behind our behaviors, so even if he can't understand your initial explanation a resource may help.

And hey, tell him you'd love if he was straightforward too. My boyfriend's exes would be furious if they asked him if he ever touched himself and he answered honestly; with me, I don't mind what the content is so long as communication is straightforward; I don't do well if I'm expected to say "Oh, you're getting annoyed, maybe because of ___" but if I can get my boyfriend to where he feels he can tell me absolutely anything, then he'll be comfortable vocalizing "I'm annoyed because ____" and I can adjust accordingly. As a result, he knows he can feel safe talking about sexual things, emotional stuff that felt too heavy to tell other people... It's a need for me. I need him to be straightforward or I don't know what's going through his head. I need to be able to tell him what's going through MY head or he'll probably never guess. And as a result, we never have big fights because we can talk along the way without saying "Hey can I talk to you about something" sounding like the start of a fight to get defensive about. We know we think differently, so talking isn't an argument, it's not something to defend yourself through; I know that I need things other people don't, and he knows he needs things that aren't obvious to me, so no "can we change this" is ever an accusation of wrongdoing. It's the best feeling ever, having someone who can understand and work with me on that.

But yeah, TLDR Communication is my biggest strength, and maybe it's not so much an Aspie trait but it IS something I've developed because of those Aspie traits.

Also, he's as obsessive about books as I am so the obsessiveness works in our favor, I can be really naive and he finds it adorable, sometimes if it's crowded or loud I need to step away and he feels strong and useful by being able to take me to a safe place to calm me down (he loves feeling he can protect me and knowing he makes me feel safe, I love that he understands and doesn't ask questions when I need to step away, we both end up happy)...my facial expressions tend to be really exaggerated (I think I learned them from Anime tbh, they're pretty conscious for me) so he thinks that's the cutest thing, when I monolog about a special interest he just thinks it's adorable how excited I get and he wants to get into it with me, and we can communicate it if something should be talked about less so all good.

Maybe it's because I didn't get the diagnosis until later (and my obsessiveness was always directed towards academic things or violin, both of which made me look super successful rather than distractible/disrespectful), but I've never really thought of being an Aspie as a negative thing for me. Okay so I have fewer friends than I'd like, but I've learned (admittedly the hard way, but I think NTs do the same) which friends are okay with me as me so the two or three that I really have I can trust no matter what. And sure, when the ballroom dance team has a social I hover nervously in a corner and sometimes step out for some quiet, but then I place at competitions because I obsess over getting the steps right. And sure, I don't socialize much at work or in classes and i hate group projects, but I look super professional when my supervisor never finds me chatting and neglecting work and I love immersing myself in repetitive tasks and getting them done on my own. But yeah, personally, at my level on the spectrum (and I know it doesn't work this way for everyone), being an Aspie is responsible for a lot of the good in who I am; it's eliminated the friends that weren't really friends, there was some bullying but it just gave me thicker skin, and learning to cope with the traits has given me so many skills of its own. I'm hesitant to say this, but maybe if you're with someone who can't be glad of who you are, they may not be the best person for you :/

 

[JKG]

I think more than anything, it depends on which Aspie traits are most prominent in you and which NT traits they possess (let's be honest - not all NTs are the same, and neither are all aspies).

I'm on the spectrum, but only very mildly (although it didn't feel minor before the diagnosis... couldn't leave my room most of the time, mostly because I only knew that things were overwhelming but had no clue why. Now I know and understand so I can do something about it). My boyfriend is NT, but we click so incredibly well after only three months, and the biggest lesson from it for me has been not to settle for a relationship where my qualities were something negative to work through when, with the right person, the opposite is the case. However, I recognize that it doesn't work that way for everyone, and I'm lucky in that I've learned to cope pretty well and recognize my strengths and which weaknesses to consciously avoid.

****Anyway, I think the absolute biggest strength that makes my relationship work is communication. It took a hell of a lot of work for me to understand myself, but at 21 I can finally express what's going through my head, even when it doesn't make a lot of sense to an NT. I've been told that most NT guys have a very direct way of having conversations, while NT girls are much less structured in their patterns (apparently that's why Aspie girls tend to have more male friends and not a lot of female friends, we like structure). So, when my boyfriend and I first started getting close, I told him essentially that I will always, always, be straightforward; that doesn't mean I'll be hurtful if I recognize that it's hurtful, or inappropriate if I see that to be the case; what it does mean is that if I'm uncomfortable, upset, overwhelmed... or alternatively, of something makes me really happy or excited... I will explain it. Even if I don't understand why yet. I can say "Hey, I know it's not exactly fair because you do need sleep, but you falling asleep as soon as you got here last night was really upsetting to me." And he's so glad I communicate (which his last girlfriends, though NT, did not), that he doesn't get upset. He'll let me think through it - "I think it's because I was expecting to have time with you, and then you weren't interested in spending time with me" (he can then respond reassuring that he did want time with me, he was just so worn out he couldn't execute it), and then I can say "Ya know, now that I think about it, I don't think it's because you weren't spending time with me; I think it was because I was expecting one thing, and it kinda threw me off a lot to expect one event and have another occur. I still would have loved having you come over if I'd known you were just going to sleep, but knowing before you were snoring would have made me feel less panicked," and even though panicking over a change of plans wouldn't be his default reaction, he can take that information and adjust. So next time, if he's tired, he lets me know and him falling asleep is okay.

I know communication can be really difficult, expressing emotions even more so, but if you can get any amount of communication out there, it makes a world of difference. That can start by pointing him towards information on which traits are Aspie traits; a lot of resources explain the why behind our behaviors, so even if he can't understand your initial explanation a resource may help.

And hey, tell him you'd love if he was straightforward too. My boyfriend's exes would be furious if they asked him if he ever touched himself and he answered honestly; with me, I don't mind what the content is so long as communication is straightforward; I don't do well if I'm expected to say "Oh, you're getting annoyed, maybe because of ___" but if I can get my boyfriend to where he feels he can tell me absolutely anything, then he'll be comfortable vocalizing "I'm annoyed because ____" and I can adjust accordingly. As a result, he knows he can feel safe talking about sexual things, emotional stuff that felt too heavy to tell other people... It's a need for me. I need him to be straightforward or I don't know what's going through his head. I need to be able to tell him what's going through MY head or he'll probably never guess. And as a result, we never have big fights because we can talk along the way without saying "Hey can I talk to you about something" sounding like the start of a fight to get defensive about. We know we think differently, so talking isn't an argument, it's not something to defend yourself through; I know that I need things other people don't, and he knows he needs things that aren't obvious to me, so no "can we change this" is ever an accusation of wrongdoing. It's the best feeling ever, having someone who can understand and work with me on that.

But yeah, TLDR Communication is my biggest strength, and maybe it's not so much an Aspie trait but it IS something I've developed because of those Aspie traits.

Also, he's as obsessive about books as I am so the obsessiveness works in our favor, I can be really naive and he finds it adorable, sometimes if it's crowded or loud I need to step away and he feels strong and useful by being able to take me to a safe place to calm me down (he loves feeling he can protect me and knowing he makes me feel safe, I love that he understands and doesn't ask questions when I need to step away, we both end up happy)...my facial expressions tend to be really exaggerated (I think I learned them from Anime tbh, they're pretty conscious for me) so he thinks that's the cutest thing, when I monolog about a special interest he just thinks it's adorable how excited I get and he wants to get into it with me, and we can communicate it if something should be talked about less so all good.

Maybe it's because I didn't get the diagnosis until later (and my obsessiveness was always directed towards academic things or violin, both of which made me look super successful rather than distractible/disrespectful), but I've never really thought of being an Aspie as a negative thing for me. Okay so I have fewer friends than I'd like, but I've learned (admittedly the hard way, but I think NTs do the same) which friends are okay with me as me so the two or three that I really have I can trust no matter what. And sure, when the ballroom dance team has a social I hover nervously in a corner and sometimes step out for some quiet, but then I place at competitions because I obsess over getting the steps right. And sure, I don't socialize much at work or in classes and i hate group projects, but I look super professional when my supervisor never finds me chatting and neglecting work and I love immersing myself in repetitive tasks and getting them done on my own. But yeah, personally, at my level on the spectrum (and I know it doesn't work this way for everyone), being an Aspie is responsible for a lot of the good in who I am; it's eliminated the friends that weren't really friends, there was some bullying but it just gave me thicker skin, and learning to cope with the traits has given me so many skills of its own. I'm hesitant to say this, but maybe if you're with someone who can't be glad of who you are, they may not be the best person for you :/

Wise words. Thanks, LittleFiddle. Sounds like you both have figured out the keys to making things work across the NT/AS spectrum! Very cool. I am inspired by your story.

 

[SonoranPrincess]

I like all my things to be organized, and I'm a writer so my husband enjoys my ability to do all the financial duties, writing letters, filling out forms, preparing taxes, etc. He is ADD, dyslexic and color blind, so we compensate for each other's weaknesses. He is very social, and that keeps me engaged in the world outside my own head. I pick out his clothes, do research on subjects of interest, etc, and keep our home a calm, welcoming place for him to retreat to when he is over stimulated by the world. He says, "together we make a whole person."

 

[epath13]

I honestly have no idea. Even though my husband appears to be an "NT", but he's an ADHDer and stuff. He's definitely not a typical guy despite of some "typical" guyish qualities. As for friends, I don't have that many left. There're only 2 people who contact me or want to see/talk to me on regular basis. One person said that I was a good person, that's all, nothing else Sometimes I feel that people judge you by what you can do for them rather than by who you are...

 

[clg114]

Aspies can often be: Amazingly loyal, honest, trustworthy, devoted, with a strong sense of justice and a desire to live in a peaceful, ordered world. This can make for a very solid, reliable partner. Our abundant quirks are endearing, as well.

Always being in some stage of being "locked inside," communication can be challenging. Your aspie may find it easier to express love or concerns in emails than in spoken conversations.

Our wonderful empathy can mean that while our cognitive empathy ( reading of body language, social cues, perspective taking etc.) might be a bit impaired, our affective empathy (feeling your feelings right along with you, once we know what they are) can be tremendous. We don't want you to hurt. We simply may need you to say, or email in words, specifically how you feel.

ASD feels like: compassion, caged. We love, we feel, we want to help, nurture, and be a caring support for those we love. Both the reading of how another feels, and our responses, can sometimes be frustratingly inept. There are work-arounds to communicate, and to help us express our caring for you. Your patience and perseverance, I am certain, is so very appreciated by your cherished aspie.

Very good and well said.

 

[Julia 27]

Aspies can often be: Amazingly loyal, honest, trustworthy, devoted, with a strong sense of justice and a desire to live in a peaceful, ordered world. This can make for a very solid, reliable partner. Our abundant quirks are endearing, as well.

Always being in some stage of being "locked inside," communication can be challenging. Your aspie may find it easier to express love or concerns in emails than in spoken conversations.

Our wonderful empathy can mean that while our cognitive empathy ( reading of body language, social cues, perspective taking etc.) might be a bit impaired, our affective empathy (feeling your feelings right along with you, once we know what they are) can be tremendous. We don't want you to hurt. We simply may need you to say, or email in words, specifically how you feel.

ASD feels like: compassion, caged. We love, we feel, we want to help, nurture, and be a caring support for those we love. Both the reading of how another feels, and our responses, can sometimes be frustratingly inept. There are work-arounds to communicate, and to help us express our caring for you. Your patience and perseverance, I am certain, is so very appreciated by your cherished aspie.

Wow you have expressed that so succinctly and beautifully

 

[Learner]

Although my last partner didn't know I was an aspie (I wasn't diagnosed at that time) she would comment that she liked -

The fact that I enjoyed doing the cooking
And the cleaning
Would do any repairs without being asked more than once
Would drive her anywhere
That I tidied up after myself
Did my own washing and ironing
Looked after the garden
Emptied the bins

They are SO not my aspie traits!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Thanks for sharing this. Do you find there is a difference between that hypersensitive empathy and what books call "theory of mind" (the ability to see the world from another's perspective)? Supposedly, aspies are generally found lacking in the latter, however, as you say, we can often feel what animals and people feel in a heightened way.

I can't seem to grasp what "theory of mind" is supposed to mean. I've looked it up twice, and it just doesn't "stick." How is being able to see the world from another point of view a "theory of mind?"

People who are genuinely autistic (I don't buy the "aspies is just a light dose of HFA" idea) do seem to have problems there, at least the few I've met in real life.

What I notice is that my empathy trigger can be disabled if I do actually "look into the eyes." If I can be in your presence but not look at you, I get nearly the same feeling that I can get from a bird or an animal.

I had a lengthy chat with NTgirl4276 on empathy. If it exists--what is it? Is it just the ability to see things from the other person's perspective? Or is it the ability to feel as they feel, or at least on the same spectrum of emotion as they are on, and in so doing be able to say the healing words in a healing way?

 

[Julia 27]

Wow you have expressed that so succinctly and beautifully

wow that is exactly how I feel

 

[Paulus Keg]

Loyalty, love of animals, intelligence, looks. Giving them space, love music