What Aspies Must Understand About Their Feelings

[Peace]

Deema, As I have said on here many times, the difference between a discussion and an argument is that in a discussion you seek the truth and in an argument you seek to win. Your reply does not beg for the truth, but rather sounds like you own it. Can you not concede that your way of looking at something may be partial, or may not be the only way?
Grumpy Cat, If someone you don't like leaves you, do they still hurt your feelings? I suspect not, so it would not be the act of leaving that causes the hurt, but your feelings, and thus back to the point that it is our feelings alone, not the actions of others that determine the outcome.

 

[wyverary]

When someone dies that person has no control over that - unless its a suicide - then yes, that person would greatly hurt my feelings. If someone leaves me, then yes, that person hurt my feelings because they made a conscious decision to leave me.

I don't know what your own experiences in life are, but as someone who has suffered crippling depression (yes, I mean "crippling" literally here) and survived multiple suicide attempts, I don't think I would call it a "conscious decision." Depression as severe as that actually takes away your conscious decision-making. How painful do you think one's life must have to be to want to defy all of the summation of the evolution of life, the strongest urge of all, the necessity of survival, to want to end it?

I don't mean to derail the thread, but I did take personal offense to that and couldn't leave it be. Sorry.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't know what your own experiences in life are, but as someone who has suffered crippling depression (yes, I mean "crippling" literally here) and survived multiple suicide attempts, I don't think I would call it a "conscious decision." Depression as severe as that actually takes away your conscious decision-making. How painful do you think one's life must have to be to want to defy all of the summation of the evolution of life, the strongest urge of all, the necessity of survival, to want to end it?

I don't mean to derail the thread, but I did take personal offense to that and couldn't leave it be. Sorry.

We're differing on opinions because I come from the other side - one of the left behinder's who has to try to make some sense of it all.

My religion plays a big part also. When I lost my job and could have lost everything I had worked for, that was one of the worst times of my life and I was extremely depressed and scared, but I knew if it got bad enough I would have to seek help. They say that if a family member commits suicide then the chance of other family members doing the same goes up dramatically. When I think about the choice of suicide I just know that I can't do it mainly because of religious reasons. I am making a conscious decision. However, handling depression may come out in other ways, as it did with me and my dad. When he did what he did, I literally submersed myself into watching QVC 24 hrs a day and completely maxed out my charge account not realizing even then that I was in a severe depression for about 4 months. By the time I realized what was going on, I was $27,000 in debt. Maybe people just deal with depression in different ways except one if the ways is permanent and there is no second chance to make it right.

 

[Spiller]

Ok, I understand what you're saying. Apologize for the delivery makes sense and is probably what I'm referring to. I always apologize after a disagreement that I and the other person were arguing in the first place. Now if you (Aspie) knows that an apology is usually needed when having a disagreement with an NT, would you, as an Aspie do that?

I don't know what your own experiences in life are, but as someone who has suffered crippling depression (yes, I mean "crippling" literally here) and survived multiple suicide attempts, I don't think I would call it a "conscious decision." Depression as severe as that actually takes away your conscious decision-making. How painful do you think one's life must have to be to want to defy all of the summation of the evolution of life, the strongest urge of all, the necessity of survival, to want to end it?

I don't mean to derail the thread, but I did take personal offense to that and couldn't leave it be. Sorry.

I, personally, have no difficulty with apologies and, in fact, find them an essential part of interacting with others as I appear to be misunderstood by most people, or my delivery sucks.. no idea, but apologies, if the other person is willing to accept them, do indeed, as Angie says, smooth the water.

Wyverary has a point here that I agree with, having also attempted suicide several times.. the nature of severe depression is that it's not a rational decision, I'm not thinking clearly at all at these times!
I've been told I'm being selfish to consider suicide. my motive is not to hurt others, only to end my pain! I understand that those I leave behind will grieve, but they don't seem to understand how much pain I'm in, so much of the time. If others' feelings can be hurt here, then so can mine.. but I choose to let everyone have their own opinion and to keep my own feelings as I want to feel.
This seems like a good example of the thread to me

 

[Grumpy Cat]

but I choose to let everyone have their own opinion and to keep my own feelings as I want to feel.

I agree. Suicide is a topic that each person is going to have their own feelings about (depending on their history) and that most likely cannot be changed. (A similar example would be the death penalty.) I think it's also good for people to hear the feelings that are experienced from both sides.

 

[Ellylldan]

I wanted to write a comment here a few days ago when I saw this thread, but I wasn't in a particularly good shape, couldn’t find words, but who knows when I will get out of there, so I will try to say anyway. I’m having difficulty putting my thoughts into words, especially about deep and serious stuff, but, please, just bear with me!

I've been thinking about this thing a lot lately, about the feelings, about being offended and all.

I agree with everything that Peace and Spiller said. It's a point of view on the world that I feel I'm getting a bit closer to. Just a few years ago I would be saying: "Yeah, sounds good but can't be done in real life". Now.. well, it makes more and more sense to me. I'm still trying to understand it all for myself, however.

your feelings do not determine what is right or wrong, good or bad. Just how you feel about something.

I agree. The important part is to actually remember about it when needed.. In difficult situations it’s easy to just follow your feelings, especially when you don’t have enought time to process what happened, so often I can feel angry, frightened or jealous. Well, I really don’t like being jealous, and I think for me it’s more of a fear to be abandoned then a real female jealousy=rivalry thing; trying hard to fight it anyway and now I’m better at it, I hope..

As the whole “being offended” thing, I’ve let it go a few years ago (with help of my husband) as one of the most unnecessary and pointless emotions. Only after moving out of my parents’ home seven years ago and seeing them again after some time in a different invironment, I realised that getting offended and silence treatment were pretty common things there. Seeing it from a new angle made me think about it a lot and I decided that I surely don’t want to be a person like that. Because I suddenly saw being offended as a demonstration, like a voluntary act of manipulation somehow, and unnecessary drama that can be avoided. And it was pretty easy for me to get rid of it and I think this makes relationships between people easier.

I'm very sorry people take too seriously all these jokes about races and nations.. When said without hurtful intent, they can be really funny, I think. (And believe me, being Russian, I hear a lot of jokes and comments that many would have found offensive.) Most of jokes can be hurtful if taken too seriously, that's the point - not to take them seriously! And I know a lot of people who do a lot of racist jokes and in fact they are really wonderful people who have close friends belonging to different races and these friends laugh at these jokes too because they know it was not meant to offend or hurt them, it's just a funny joke. How it was mentioned already: intent, that's what makes the difference. I believe.

Being hurt is a whole different thing and it’s not as easily controlled.

I've come to believe that the only person in a position to judge you is yourself; the only person in a position to hurt you is yourself.

My husband could have said this. He repeats it me from time to time since we got together, especially the part about hurting. Well, I needed several years to start understanding what he really means. And now, that I seemengly understood it theorethically, I need to figure out how to put it to practice. Not easy, I must say. Some people are lucky enough to be, um, “predisposed” (?) to this point of view (like my hubby), but for someone who used to get hurt a lot it can be really hard to just stop being hurt. He was always telling me that I don’t have to give power to others to hurt me. I never could understand it before, if I was hurt, I was hurt.. Now I think I am starting getting it.

He made me a wonderful visual example: concentration circles. Like he is in the inner circle, and I am there as well, so he himself and I have the most power to hurt him. Then goes his family and the closest friends, they have already less power to hurt him than I do. Then another circle with other friends, then another and another. More far the circle is the less people of that circle can hurt him. I find this example really good, at least for me. And now I understand it, theoretically. Practically, hehe, I would need some time. Ganbarou! - as Japanese say.

I don’t know if I was able to make much sense here, I'm sorry if it's too messy..

What I also find very important is that I believe that everyone has their own path to follow, and everyone has their opinion, just it’s important to remember to respect others. My life has tought me that if I don’t like something, it is just my personal feeling (hello, the initial idea of the thread!) and can very well be that probably it’s just not the right time for me to understand, or maybe it is just not for me at all, and maybe better I don’t express my negative opinion about it just yet, to avoid feeling stupid maybe even years later! (yep, also this last part is out of my personal experience…)