What did you just say, and those issues of living together.......

[Aspychata]

So l have been in a trial run living together with someone thru monthly vacation visits. Sometimes, they'll say probably an innocuous statement that l take umbrage with. Now, l just meander away, and sulk and decide if it's worth discussing, and usually, l just move on.

Any insights into this will be quite helpful from other members, so please digest, digest away. They move in with me in four days. Hopefully, we will be in our twisted tryst forever, but l am realistic.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I think you're already doing the right thing in a way. If you feel it's innocuous then it's not worth wasting your time ruminating on it. Easier said than done I know. Otherwise I think the best thing is just to make sure there is always open communication and don't let things go unresolved leading to conflict.

And always remember the "I feel ___________ when you __________" statements. Sounds corny but if you are feeling like a statement may not have been innocuous and you do plan to follow up leading with the "I feel" usually leads to the person receiving the message being more receptive. It's a less confrontational approach.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometime they are passive jabs, they tend to be passive-aggressive, so it's a dance to carefully foxtrot thru.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Sometime they are passive jabs, they tend to be passive-aggressive, so it's a dance to carefully foxtrot thru.

Well if you don't appreciate them you might want to say something.

Maybe
"I feel disrespected when you make those kinds of comments. I know you are probably trying to be humorous but I never pick up on that".

 

[Roisin]

I had trauma from an abusive ex and I brought it with me to my relationship with my now husband. Simple exchanges became something they weren't and belonged to a past life. Repression was leading to resentment and worsening my mental health.

For us to work, I had to process the past instead of avoiding or pushing it down.
In essence I had to own my own issues and he had to own his.
We had to be able to speak candidly about our internal processes and when emotional moments had passed we have an agreement to identify what contributory factors belongs to who and the follow up work that needs doing AND how the other can support them. An ownership/team approach to making the relationship work.

It was painful as hell but out of this vulnerability grew a new experience of safety and trust.

Small pieces, big stonking issues, we talk about everything and it keeps us right.

I'd recommend it to a friend

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

While I have never been in a relationship myself, I have seen the lives of enough other women ruined by abusive relationships to know that aggressive behavior can quickly escalate once someone thinks that you are committed to staying with them. If they already are trying to critisize you and potentialy start arguments I would strongly suggest caution and perhaps reconsidering whether you really want to take the risk. Personally, as the daughter of a man who is a manipulator, controler, gaslighter, and pathological lier who at times gets some kind of high from being cruel as well all while being popular and charming in the community, I would not want to take such chances.

 

[Judge]

So l have been in a trial run living together with someone thru monthly vacation visits. Sometimes, they'll say probably an innocuous statement that l take umbrage with. Now, l just meander away, and sulk and decide if it's worth discussing, and usually, l just move on.

Any insights into this will be quite helpful from other members, so please digest, digest away. They move in with me in four days. Hopefully, we will be in our twisted tryst forever, but l am realistic.

Sounds to me that, "You've got this". That you are aware of the situation and even more importantly that you are willing to take each situation at its own merit. Where some may be innocuous while other things may not.

And in the middle of every joint decision is always one's ability to peacefully compromise.

Short of overt and destructive confrontation, what more can be asked of you? Seems that you're working the problem the best you can. And that one can't really ask for more than that.

I admire your pragmatism.

 

[honeytoast]

I had trauma from an abusive ex and I brought it with me to my relationship with my now husband. Simple exchanges became something they weren't and belonged to a past life. Repression was leading to resentment and worsening my mental health.

For us to work, I had to process the past instead of avoiding or pushing it down.
In essence I had to own my own issues and he had to own his.
We had to be able to speak candidly about our internal processes and when emotional moments had passed we have an agreement to identify what contributory factors belongs to who and the follow up work that needs doing AND how the other can support them. An ownership/team approach to making the relationship work.

It was painful as hell but out of this vulnerability grew a new experience of safety and trust.

Small pieces, big stonking issues, we talk about everything and it keeps us right.

I'd recommend it to a friend

Thank you for your post. I had a very similar experience with yours in my current relationship. In the beginning, I had to process and get past the trauma of my ex. I was developing new anxieties and worries that had no place.

It can be so difficult to let go of the past sometimes, but it is worth it.

 

[Aspychata]

It's definitely good to look at all your answers, it helps me with areas l may not want to analyze, so reading it, l can't ignore it. Thanks for the kind words @Judge . I hope you are having a great day, and your car is safe. (insider remark).

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships are so extreme for those of us, it's like we walk the plank, some of us sink immediately, and some of us learn to swim, irregardless if it's dog-paddle, or just treading water. He confessed marriage placed too much stress on him, so we both agreed to no marriage plans, talk, etc.

 

[AuDHDMom]

Having lived with my undiagnosed husband for 35yrs, lots of those stupid communication problems have caused a lot turmoil and hurt. I have a few hints I’ve learned lately.

1. Things you feel upset about, write it down and have your partner read it alone. Then they write a response. It makes you process things differently, and it takes away a lot of subtleties that complicate communication.

2. If the conversation isn’t overly emotionally charged we try the “I know you love me, but what I heard you say was___________. Was that what you were trying to say to me?”

The biggest thing that knowing that my husband is autistic has helped with is that I know it is a communication issue. Whether it’s him saying something that seems obtuse, or him hearing subtle sarcasms that I wasn’t intending to convey, we go back to “he/she loves me, let me clarify so the communication is clear.”

Looking at our life through the autism lense has helped me reframe a lot of things that happened in the past, which helped release a lot of hurt.

I wish you luck, I feel it’s worth the extra effort. I love neurodivergent people, we have a lot to give.

 

[Roisin]

Relationships are so extreme for those of us, it's like we walk the plank, some of us sink immediately, and some of us learn to swim, irregardless if it's dog-paddle, or just treading water. He confessed marriage placed too much stress on him, so we both agreed to no marriage plans, talk, etc.

The last sentence piqued my curiousity, I'm not seeking a response as it is quite personal.
Did you give your honest feelings about this a voice at the time or maybe after did you give them some reflective space?

Ymmv, from my perspective, not knowing your experiences, it seems a significant aspect of relationships to rule out at the beginning.

I mean this in the practical sense rather than romantic or symbolic, the legal protections that are auto applied to spouses, if anything were to happen to either of you 10 years from now after ye have built an interdependent life together type of thing.
I would hate for my love to be left high and dry in any way if I were no longer here.

Perhaps to have a chat about the alternative options or to review the situation once a year as a type of housekeeping per se.

 

[Aspychata]

l have to say, sometimes being married strips you of some of your rights. We both chose not to get married. He is usually concerned about my well-being financially.

 

[Roisin]

l have to say, sometimes being married strips you of some of your rights. We both chose not to get married. He is usually concerned about my well-being financially.

Indeed, my first marriage was a cage, being legally bound to the wrong type of person is not a good situation.
I appreciate your response, it is a big change, going from the slowly slowly of vacation weekends to living together, its how my Autistic husband and I started off too.
Quite a fabulous transition to experience with the right person.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

So l have been in a trial run living together with someone thru monthly vacation visits. Sometimes, they'll say probably an innocuous statement that l take umbrage with. Now, l just meander away, and sulk and decide if it's worth discussing, and usually, l just move on.

Any insights into this will be quite helpful from other members, so please digest, digest away. They move in with me in four days. Hopefully, we will be in our twisted tryst forever, but l am realistic.

This gets into the communication issues that we all need to sort out as couples. Not everyone, probably most couples, tend to communicate in their own ways. Some are direct, bold, sometimes harsh. Some are indirect, passive, and seem rather cryptic. It's up to us to be very up front and simply ask follow-up questions in a non-confrontational way. Keep in mind your perspective on the world is likely different than theirs, so sometimes one or the other will say something, and you're not quite sure what was meant by that, you must follow-up with clarifying questions. The idea here is to not be confrontational, but to be clarifying.

No sense in trying to let innocuous or nebulous words settle through the layers of your brain, at the mercy of your own cognitive biases and perspectives, then coming up with a "logical" conclusion that is totally wrong. Right away, without hesitation, fire back with your question. Some call this reciprocity, but this is how conversations happen.

Personally, my autistic brain leaves me with "mind blindness", so whether I am on-line here on the forums or interacting in person, I pretty much assume that I don't know what the other person is thinking and will fire off a response in order to clarify a bit. As you also know, I tend to ramble with rather long, but what I feel are rather thorough responses to topics. I don't like being misunderstood and misinterpreted.

 

[Aspychata]

I won't put up with negging, It's backhanded jabs. I won't stand for that. I do call out some remarks because l refuse to slid into the backwards hole of being trivialize or made to feel l am less than. Sometimes l see a spark of that, and l shut it down immediately.

 

[Dagan]

I was about to start a thread, but this one is probably suitable - relatable things will be mentioned, me thinks.

I made it clear who I am and what I expect, as well what I can only handle and how I best / only function, basically. It has gone wrong, and I am at my limit of dealing with it. I feel that myself and my house have been disrespected repeatedly. There's a long list of evidence. I'm not running a half-way house for kids randomly. I'm not running a zoo, either. I can't stand clutter. I hate cleaning up after folks every single day when I get home from all of that work that I already struggled through. I'm tired of house repairs right and left. I don't feel comfortable or relaxed in my own home, and I definitely feel crowded. I honestly don't even want to go home most days. I'd rather stay at work, if I could. I expressly don't like decisions made constantly on who / what is already going to be in my house, either. I have no time to myself except for these moments that I get to chat here, as well. It's making me miserable. I know that my daughter isn't fond of it, either, and she absolutely can't just get out of the house whenever she wants. If she did or could, it would still suck for her, as much as she is left to babysit animals or suddenly new people in the house neither of us knows or has met before.

I guess, this seems more of a rant, but do hit me with letting me know that I'm not the A-hole. Am I just dumb and going overboard?

 

[the_tortoise]

I cannot cope with any kind of important relationship (romantic, friendship, family, working/practical) where there is a lack of open communication.

My brain is not built for rhetorical questions, innuendo, passive aggression, hints, indirect or hidden messages of any kind...I suck at all of these things; Words are hard enough when communication is direct, explicit, and non-symbolic...When I try to play any of the interactional games of indirect communication I lump all together and call "speaking in riddles" I become frustrated, hypervigilant, distressed, and confused.

I try to explain my limitations and needs when it comes to typical language use and social communication to every person I have any kind of important relationship with wherein miscommunication could have very very bad consequences.

The most important thing I seem to need to say (usually I write this, but as I write this I realize I should try to rehearse it so maybe someday it becomes a well-memorized script I migth actually be able to say in full at appropriate times) over and over and over to everyone, is something along the lines of:

"I am really asking [question], I truly do not know -- this is not rhetorical and I am not arguing with anything nor criticizing you, I am truly just seeking information/to understand you/what you mean"

I have had to just accept more often than not that people often do not want to explain themselves, or perhaps don't know how to do so because with most people their indirect or implied meanings are understood without issue; And that many don't believe me when I try to tell them how little I understand of all the unspoken things people intend for me to get from the things they actually say.

 

[Dagan]

Agreed. At the same time, there are things that everyone should know, per my situation, and I shouldn't have to say anything at all. I consider them baseline, common human decency standards, but also...I communicated what I can or can't handle already.

 

[Aspychata]

It's not good to feel you don't have control over your own place. What can you do to change this for you and your daughter?