What do YOU consider rude?

[Fox]

I know a lot of us aspies are coined as "rude" by neurotypicals, but a lot of the time I see-or feel- that the shoe should be placed on the other foot.

What do YOU find to be rude behavior? What does an NT (or even another aspie?) Have to do to make you feel disrespected? Is there any specific behaviors you were taught not to do (because it's rude) that you see others do and it just blows your mind that some consider that appropriate behavior??

My big one is when people invite themselves over to your house. I used to hang out with a group of girls who would suggest coming to my house after school more days than not. Which (especially for my poor father) was incredibly invasive. They'd even say "hey, we should spend the night at your house!" And just stick me on the spot. How incredibly invasive! And then they would get mad if I said no. Like I'm obligated to take them in. It's not like anyone was kicked out of their place they just wanted to stay at my house for fun!! My mother taught me that you wait to be invited to somebody else's house so this behavior is both offensive and puzzling.

The other thing that bothers me a lot is parties. Mainly, guest list formalities. I was taught that if you were invited to someone's party than you have to extend an invitation to them the next time you throw a party, even if you aren't friendly with said person because it's the "polite" thing to do. There were plenty of parties I wasn't invited to that were thrown by kids who were guests at mine. One I can remember was in the second grade and I threw a giant pool party that my mother invited everyone in my class to. 6 months later one of the kids had a birthday party and gave every kid in the class an invitation...except for me. I asked if I had an invitation and he led me on for well over a week saying "yeah yeah I just forgot it I'm sorry". This went on up until the day of the party, when he was like "oops I forgot again, guess you can't come, sorry!" ...I realize now that I was never going to get an invitation to that party. It still hurts.

Also on a similar note, I was also taught that if someone was not invited to a party or couldn't go for whatever reason, you do not discuss the event in question in front of them, to spare their feelings. Cue my "best friend" who walked down from a party happening down the street to wish me a happy birthday and proceeded to tell me that it was a birthday party for someone with the same birthday as me and how a whole bunch of people were there including my ex, and I have no idea why this was viewed as an appropriate topic of conversation at all. My feelings were further hurt.

I better stop before I can't stop. Anyone else have anymore instances of rude neuros??

 

[Keith]

I've known my mom to knock on my door and then enter before I respond.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Being Miss Etiquette I could give you a list.
1) Pointing
2) Not using your blinker
3) Cell phone usage at dinner or in theater or in store line or in car
4) Not holding a door open
5) Not raising your hand in class before speaking or leaving class before it is over
6) Not saying "thank you" or "please"
7) Not apologizing when you know you're in the wrong
8) Going out of your way to not include someone in a group activity
9) Talking about someone when they aren't there

I can come up with more - just give me some time. If you question whether something is rude, just ask me and I'll tell you. I hate rudeness.

 

[anja]

I guess I'm very rude, without realising, so I don't mean to do it intentionally. For example, my friend always has to ask me if I've said please to someone and I'm very quick to tell someone what they are talking about is boring me. What I find rude from NT's is when they touch my food or my face. Or when I go to my friend with a problem and she just disregards what I'm saying.

 

[Sander]

What I find rude is people lying to me, especially the ones you thought were nice people.
Furthermore we also have the people ignoring you when you say something to them.
People saying something very rude in a way you almost start to cry in front of them. For example (this didn't really happen to me.) : me:"Do you like my shirt?" Person responding:"No its awful, nerdy and it looks like sh*t."
I know aspies tell the truth (most of the time) so do I, but if someone would ask that to me I would answer "I don't really like it but I can imagine other people would like it, but personally I wouldn't wear it." To me that differs a whole lot. I still might be dissapointed but wouldn't cry.

That are some of the things I can think of right now.

 

[Andy R]

Lateness

 

[Aspieistj]

Oh yes--lateness. I can't stand people who waste my time. I may not be in a hurry, but because I plan every move I make while checking out at a cash resister, I am extremely annoyed when anyone else slows me down. I always get my credit card or cash in my hand before I start to unload my items. I try to group heavy and fragile items to make bagging simple. I swipe my credit while the ringing up is in progress and always say, "Credit card" to the cashier as the last item is scanned. When I receive my register tape I move away from the line immediately. I stand out of the way and put away my change or credit card. If I am questioning a transaction I do that away from the line. If I should have a question I wait until the current person is done and then I do "bump" the line because I feel the cashier caused the problem. I almost never find a real problem--I find the mistake is mine. I am furious at old people who torment me while SLOWLY fishing out the wallet or little coin purse, pick out the EXACT change with trembling hands, and finally get on with paying. I do understand the horrible curses of aging (after all, I am 70) but I always prepare myself for the transaction prior to entering the line. I never hold up the line by fishing out the EXACT change. When I have collected an annoying amount of change I sort it out while at home and then plan to use coins to make a purchase. I know how much I have and always hold the pennies separately so I can use them up without slowing down the line any longer than it might take to pick up the pennies.
I do not automatically love all children no matter how precious they are to their parents. I quickly taught my children to be aware of the loudness of their voices. No kid has the right to shout and drown out or annoy anyone else. When my kids cried anywhere and were old enough to understand what I was saying, I demanded that they cry with their EYES and not their voices. I didn't tell them they couldn't cry because I felt they had the right to express themselves to me as long as they didn't make anyone else uncomfortable. If they cried out loud I would put my hand over their mouths--NEVER the nose--and remind them that eyes can cry, but not the voice. My kids grew up to be very well behaved and they never have told me I was wrong to make them aware it was their responsibility not to annoy others. They do hate unruly children. Oh, another thing--I did as my mother did and demanded that my children and any others in my house or yard could NEVER scream. I explained that screaming was for serious emergencies but that they could shout while playing outside. I had to send an occasional kid home for screaming. I always first warned them but if they continued to scream I did make them leave. Again, my kids didn't suffer be\cause that exiled kid was welcome back on another day as long as he/she didn't scream. There is a definite difference between shouting and screaming and I do understand kids will shout while excited or playing.
Finally, I will not tolerate anyone other than my own kids or immediate relatives simply opening my door and walking in. I certainly don't do that to anyone. In fact, I always knock on my kids doors.
I don't know if I am simply a ***** or if this is just being an Aspie.

 

[tlc]

The other thing that bothers me a lot is parties. Mainly, guest list formalities. I was taught that if you were invited to someone's party than you have to extend an invitation to them the next time you throw a party, even if you aren't friendly with said person because it's the "polite" thing to do. There were plenty of parties I wasn't invited to that were thrown by kids who were guests at mine. One I can remember was in the second grade and I threw a giant pool party that my mother invited everyone in my class to. 6 months later one of the kids had a birthday party and gave every kid in the class an invitation...except for me. I asked if I had an invitation and he led me on for well over a week saying "yeah yeah I just forgot it I'm sorry". This went on up until the day of the party, when he was like "oops I forgot again, guess you can't come, sorry!" ...I realize now that I was never going to get an invitation to that party. It still hurts.

Also on a similar note, I was also taught that if someone was not invited to a party or couldn't go for whatever reason, you do not discuss the event in question in front of them, to spare their feelings. Cue my "best friend" who walked down from a party happening down the street to wish me a happy birthday and proceeded to tell me that it was a birthday party for someone with the same birthday as me and how a whole bunch of people were there including my ex, and I have no idea why this was viewed as an appropriate topic of conversation at all. My feelings were further hurt.

In my elementary school they made it a rule that you couldn't invite anybody in your class to a birthday party unless you invited the whole class. I'm glad my birthday was in the summer when school was not in session.

 

[Christophe]

Most of what was mentioned I agree with, but to me, interrupting me when I'm talking turns me inside out!! Wait until the person is done speaking before you speak!! I have a right to say what I have to say!!

As mentioned above, wasting my time is is the biggest one for me.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Interrupting people
Teasing/making fun of people
Staring at people
Touching people without permission
Asking a question (especially "How are you?") and then walking away before the other person has a chance to answer. People in my current church do this ALL THE TIME. I'm going to stop even trying to answer them.
Talking about other people's bathroom habits (even if they're your own kids I still believe it's wrong; kids are human beings who need respect and privacy too) and talking on the phone while you're in there
Trying to change people's minds about stuff like getting married and having kids just because you know someone else who changed her mind
Looking over people's shoulders to see what book they're reading and then using it as a conversation starter
Watching what people are doing on the computer
Implying to your kids that it's okay for other people to be rude to you but you can't defend yourself or you're being rude to them
Forcing your personal schedule and preferences on other people
Farting openly and loudly

I could go on.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yes, Yes, Yes to all of those!!! I forgot the lateness thing. I'll give them another chance, but if it happens twice in a row then that must be their usual habit and I'm done. And Yes to the unruly children - especially in restaurants and grocery stores! And no one should be touching your food or you without permission! And I remember in church when we used to have to shake each others hands (which I thought was too germy) and almost every time a person would either not shake your hand or shake very weak like they didn't even want to touch you - extremely rude and embarrassing! If I had a cold or something, I would tell the person why I couldn't shake their hand and a weak handshake is just as bad.

 

[Keith]

Sometimes I'll try to tell something to Mom, she responds with "Yes?" and then disappears into the garage or the master bedroom when I start to talk.

Whenever I get the opportunity to talk to her, I've forgotten what I wanted to say and usually never remember or don't until she's busy again.

I also don't like it when I try to bring something up and then everyone else in the room talk about something else immediately after I say something. Of course, what I bring up is usually random and out of nowhere. Sometimes I may seem rude myself if I get too impatient and interrupt. What I'd like is someone to tell me that politely before returning to their conversation.

 

[Asterism]

There are things that people do that I don't like. For example, I don't like it when people place their own interests ahead of others in small ways, like cutting drivers off in traffic or not living up to agreements they've made. I especially dislike others harming people or animals for any reason. I suppose these are examples of rudeness, but I don't usually think of them that way.

My expectation of people is for them to be erratic, illogical and quite selfish, so I have some difficulty distinguishing more trivial rudeness from normal behavior. When someone is rude to me in small ways, I often don't notice, even when others point it out. Likewise, I have a hard time telling when people are being intentionally friendly or discerning their motivations for doing so.

 

[Flinty]

6) Not saying "thank you" or "please"

A peeve with my co-workers is that, for some reason, they have replaced the word "please" with "kindly" in written communication. I realize that English is not their first language a lot of the time, but there are no other errors most of the time.

 

[Chopstick]

Girls at my school smile and lie to each other on a daily basis, which I consider rude, yet ironically I’m considered the rude one due to my brutal honesty. Happily this character trait exonerates me from their drama.

 

[wyverary]

When I'm at work and a customer asks me to make change, and I say I'm not allowed to do that without a cash purchase, and they look at me and say in a rather nasty tone, "Why not?!" Um, because it's a business, not a freaking bank?!

 

[AspieMe]

Interrupting! Bad enough when a child does it but horrifically rude coming from an adult who should know better. Happens to me all the time at work. I could be talking about something work related to my supervisor and people just walk into the room and start talking to him like I'm invisible. And it's often about something like golf, lunch, shopping, their kids, etc. my supervisor should tell them to wait their turn but he's a spineless wimp that needs everyone to like him.

 

[Adrienne]

I know a lot of us aspies are coined as "rude" by neurotypicals, but a lot of the time I see-or feel- that the shoe should be placed on the other foot.

What do YOU find to be rude behavior? What does an NT (or even another aspie?) Have to do to make you feel disrespected? Is there any specific behaviors you were taught not to do (because it's rude) that you see others do and it just blows your mind that some consider that appropriate behavior??

My big one is when people invite themselves over to your house. I used to hang out with a group of girls who would suggest coming to my house after school more days than not. Which (especially for my poor father) was incredibly invasive. They'd even say "hey, we should spend the night at your house!" And just stick me on the spot. How incredibly invasive! And then they would get mad if I said no. Like I'm obligated to take them in. It's not like anyone was kicked out of their place they just wanted to stay at my house for fun!! My mother taught me that you wait to be invited to somebody else's house so this behavior is both offensive and puzzling.

The other thing that bothers me a lot is parties. Mainly, guest list formalities. I was taught that if you were invited to someone's party than you have to extend an invitation to them the next time you throw a party, even if you aren't friendly with said person because it's the "polite" thing to do. There were plenty of parties I wasn't invited to that were thrown by kids who were guests at mine. One I can remember was in the second grade and I threw a giant pool party that my mother invited everyone in my class to. 6 months later one of the kids had a birthday party and gave every kid in the class an invitation...except for me. I asked if I had an invitation and he led me on for well over a week saying "yeah yeah I just forgot it I'm sorry". This went on up until the day of the party, when he was like "oops I forgot again, guess you can't come, sorry!" ...I realize now that I was never going to get an invitation to that party. It still hurts.

Also on a similar note, I was also taught that if someone was not invited to a party or couldn't go for whatever reason, you do not discuss the event in question in front of them, to spare their feelings. Cue my "best friend" who walked down from a party happening down the street to wish me a happy birthday and proceeded to tell me that it was a birthday party for someone with the same birthday as me and how a whole bunch of people were there including my ex, and I have no idea why this was viewed as an appropriate topic of conversation at all. My feelings were further hurt.

I better stop before I can't stop. Anyone else have anymore instances of rude neuros??

I agree with much of what has been said. My contributions are that people do not keep their word and talk around you as if you are either invisible or not there.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I could be talking about something work related to my supervisor and people just walk into the room and start talking to him like I'm invisible.

YES! People do that to me all the time, no matter whom I'm talking to. I have this one friend I go to church dinners with every other week or so and she listens to me when I talk to her, but people are always coming up to her and talking to her, even when we're in the middle of a conversation. When that happens I have to wait forever until the other person goes away just so I can say one little thing.
Another way grown adults interrupt is when I'm saying something, and I say something that they, for whatever reason, find hilarious, so they start laughing REALLY LOUDLY and making jokes about it and then they don't shut up for a while - and when they do, it's to let someone else talk, and I never get to finish what I was saying, even if I was in the middle of a sentence.
And people wonder why I'm so quiet in social situations... THIS is why! And if I do talk, I tend to talk really fast and sometimes trip over my words for fear of being interrupted if there's even a slight pause in my speech.

 

[Dusty285]

I think most of us (Aspies) run our lives by rules. The rules are the ones we were taught, or learned by whatever means, that are for proper people to follow. NT's, mostly, consider that they as an individual do not need to follow rules except if the other person has some kind of power over them. As in a cop or a parent or a boss. So if they break a rule and are rude it is OK and you are wrong for calling them down. And you must follow the rules exactly from their own perspective.

An NT is locked into knowing and understanding other NT's mindset. When they encounter an Aspie or person on the Spectrum, there is an obvious discontinuity. Because they cannot follow or predict almost every word and action, they go into a mode of defense and offense. If they cannot follow, predict, you are the problem and they will become disdainful and abusive. Rude.

My opinion.