What do you do about people who won't accept your special interests?

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

It wouldn’t be fair but it’s also not good for either party to talk about only their special interests. I found out the hard way that it agitates people to only talk about one thing all the time so it’s best to find middle ground.

So just like everyone else then? What's the point in having a friend then if I can't talk about my special interests then? What makes them so special then? Also, this person started out being 100% okay with me talking about meerkats and MY characters when we first met. Now he doesn't want to hear about my original characters, he just wants to talk about his.

 

[Markness]

So just like everyone else then? What's the point in having a friend then if I can't talk about my special interests then? What makes them so special then? Also, this person started out being 100% okay with me talking about meerkats and MY characters when we first met. Now he doesn't want to hear about my original characters, he just wants to talk about his.

I didn’t say you couldn’t talk about special interests. Social interaction should be a two way street and both should be able to talk about them as long as both find middle ground.

 

[Au Naturel]

You need to hang out with anime fans more. Anthropomorphic animals are really popular there. The cat-girl is probably the most popular but there are dogs and foxes and rabbits and pandas and lizard people.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

You need to hang out with anime fans more. Anthropomorphic animals are really popular there. The cat-girl is probably the most popular but there are dogs and foxes and rabbits and pandas and lizard people.

I honestly think Beastars is more my speed when it comes to animae. I don't like how they animated their feet, and how animals like deer have hands instead of hooves but I guess you can't have everything. But I LOVED Sailor Moon, and Ghibli movies. There's nothing wrong with animae. Cat-girls, or people with animal ears and tails but still with a human face don't register as animal to me. Same with centuars. I found them creepy as a kid and still kinda do. But they register as humans to me. Same with mermaids. Anything with a human face...human.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

It is impossible for some autistic people to not talk about their special interest, though. I’ve noticed on this site that there is a total misunderstanding of what “special interest” means when it comes to autism. It’s more of an obsession than an interest. Like the little boy I mentioned with the vacuums. All he thought about was vacuums. He read about them constantly, knew absolutely everything about them, and couldn’t talk about anything besides them.

The DSM describes it this way: “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in their intensity or focus (e.g. strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).” This may be what it’s like for meerkat. It may be that he can’t talk about anything other than his interests. Maybe he can tell us if this is the case?

Yep, that's pretty much the case. If I see you as a friend, I see you as a safe person I can talk to about my special interests. If I don't talk about my special interests with you but have known you for a while, it's because I don't trust you. And Scrodinger's Meerkat is a she.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yep, that's pretty much the case. If I see you as a friend, I see you as a safe person I can talk to about my special interests. If I don't talk about my special interests with you but have known you for a while, it's because I don't trust you. And Scrodinger's Meerkat is a she.

It sounds like you just have regular interests. Autistic people with the “intense, fixated interest” trait talk to everyone about their obsession. They can’t help it. It’s all they think about.

So in your case, probably you just have some people in your life who need to move on. Sometimes relationships/friendships change and end.

 

[Judge]

Sadly this sounds so familiar.

Many of us tend to be so immersed in our special interests that we have a level of enthusiasm that damn near alienates the average Neurotypical. That in as much as we want to share our selective passions with them, more often than not it repels them. To a point where they simply don't wish to discuss those subjects at all.

Where we either comply accordingly, or simply avoid them. Looking for someone else who inevitably reacts in a similar fashion. Eventually you learn to suppress your interest and keep it to yourself. Or dumb-it down to a point where it begins to bore you.

The only real alternative is to look for people you know who have a passionate interest in the same thing. Where you at least have a chance to establish a dialog without immediately repelling or annoying them. Just understand that interacting someone with the same level of interest can sometimes have it's own drawbacks as well. Social dynamics...no matter what form they take for many of us they remain quite a struggle.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Sadly this sounds so familiar.

Many of us tend to be so immersed in our special interests that we have a level of enthusiasm that damn near alienates the average Neurotypical. That in as much as we want to share our selective passions with them, more often than not it repels them. To a point where they simply don't wish to discuss those subjects at all.

Where we either comply accordingly, or simply avoid them. Looking for someone else who inevitably reacts in a similar fashion. Eventually you learn to suppress your interest and keep it to yourself. Or dumb-it down to a point where it begins to bore you.

The only real alternative is to look for people you know who have a passionate interest in the same thing. Where you at least have a chance to establish a dialog without immediately repelling or annoying them. Just understand that interacting someone with the same level of interest can sometimes have it's own drawbacks as well. Social dynamics...no matter what form they take for many of us they remain quite a struggle.

This person is also autistic... Or at least claims to be. They USED to like my special interests, now they no longer seem to. They say they don't want their characters associated with mine. But when I try to block his ass, he will not leave me alone.

 

[Judge]

This person is also autistic... Or at least claims to be. They USED to like my special interests, now they no longer seem to. They say they don't want their characters associated with mine. But when I try to block his ass, he will not leave me alone.

Sharing a special interest with someone whose enthusiasm is equal or greater than your own can be a real problem as well. Where you end up competing with them instead of sharing. Where it becomes a vicious cycle. Sad considering this can happen between two autistic people as well...but there you have it.

One of my special interests damn near died when I made the bad decision to join a club with competitions. Bad idea.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

Considering I usually keep to communities based around my special interest (Monster Hunter), such as that on the Fandom Wikia or various Discord servers, I have not gotten any conflict about it. I haven't gotten any conflict about it outside of the fandom before I started communicating with other MH fans. I don't think I was ever discouraged in taking part in my special interests by my parents or teachers or any therapists ever, as well.

I think Autistics are discouraged from their special interest because of a double standard: Apparently, when NTs become obsessed with their interest, it is normal. But when NDs do it, it is a problem that must be fixed.

Kinda stupid, considering I have never played an MH game to the point that it would be considered a serious addiction.

 

[Magna]

It sounds like you just have regular interests. Autistic people with the “intense, fixated interest” trait talk to everyone about their obsession. They can’t help it. It’s all they think about.

So in your case, probably you just have some people in your life who need to move on. Sometimes relationships/friendships change and end.

I don't agree that an autistic special interest can only be qualified as such when the autistic person literally isn't able to control themselves and literally talks to "everyone" about their special interest, from the cashier at the grocery store, to the mail carrier, to the doctor, to a random child, to every new person they meet, etc. While I could see that happening with an autistic child who has not developed a sense of awareness which is the case with most children in general, most autistic adults have had to learn the hard way that there's usually a loss rather than a gain in literally telling everyone you see (and at length) about your special interest/interests.

This is interesting though. I will remember to ask my autism therapist about this the next time I talk with her. I'll also remember to ask my adult autistic zoom group for their opinion on the subject.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I don't agree that an autistic special interest can only be qualified as such when the autistic person literally isn't able to control themselves and literally talks to "everyone" about their special interest, from the cashier at the grocery store, to the mail carrier, to the doctor, to a random child, to every new person they meet, etc. While I could see that happening with an autistic child who has not developed a sense of awareness which is the case with most children in general, most autistic adults have had to learn the hard way that there's usually a loss rather than a gain in literally telling everyone you see (and at length) about your special interest/interests.

This is interesting though. I will remember to ask my autism therapist about this the next time I talk with her. I'll also remember to ask my adult autistic zoom group for their opinion on the subject.

I feel like one of the few Autistics that doesn't infodump much.

 

[WildCat]

Do you do anything beneficial with your knowledge? As in, anything of benefit to the rest of society? Volunteering, internship, paid work, etc., shouldn't matter what it is if you're putting it to use. If you're working with animals, you'll also be required to broaden your scope of knowledge as well, so a narrow focus on just meerkats isn't going to be enough. Not saying you focus only on that, but apart from the city zoo or a trip to Africa I don't see any meerkats hanging around.

Doing something with it and not just talking about it can turn things in your favor and give you opportunities down the road.

 

[Kalinychta]

I don't agree that an autistic special interest can only be qualified as such when the autistic person literally isn't able to control themselves and literally talks to "everyone" about their special interest, from the cashier at the grocery store, to the mail carrier, to the doctor, to a random child, to every new person they meet, etc. While I could see that happening with an autistic child who has not developed a sense of awareness which is the case with most children in general, most autistic adults have had to learn the hard way that there's usually a loss rather than a gain in literally telling everyone you see (and at length) about your special interest/interests.

This is interesting though. I will remember to ask my autism therapist about this the next time I talk with her. I'll also remember to ask my adult autistic zoom group for their opinion on the subject.

Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that autistic people who have the intense, fixated interest trait uncontrollably talk about it with everyone they meet (such as the mailman), like Tourette’s or something. I was just pointing out that their interests are an obsession, not merely an interest, and as such they are largely incapable of normal conversation (aside from casual chats and small talk) because they will always feel compelled to bring up their interest. A great example is Dakota Fanning’s autistic character in Please Stand By. She’s obsessed with Star Trek. She knows everything about it, writes about it, reads about it, has watched every episode and film a thousand times, thinks about it all day, etc. You wouldn’t be able to sit down with her and start talking in-depth about politics or cooking or whatever because inevitably she would tie it in with Star Trek. Or she would just get bored quickly, and the conversation wouldn’t last very long.

Everyone has interests. Autistic people have them and non-autistic people have them. “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus” is something else entirely.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that autistic people who have the intense, fixated interest trait uncontrollably talk about it with everyone they meet (such as the mailman), like Tourette’s or something. I was just pointing out that their interests are an obsession, not merely an interest, and as such they are largely incapable of normal conversation (aside from casual chats and small talk) because they will always feel compelled to bring up their interest. A great example is Dakota Fanning’s autistic character in Please Stand By. She’s obsessed with Star Trek. She knows everything about it, writes about it, reads about it, has watched every episode and film a thousand times, thinks about it all day, etc. You wouldn’t be able to sit down with her and start talking in-depth about politics or cooking or whatever because inevitably she would tie it in with Star Trek. Or she would just get bored quickly, and the conversation wouldn’t last very long.

Everyone has interests. Autistic people have them and non-autistic people have them. “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus” is something else entirely.

.

I would probably get bored talking to her. I never liked Star Trek and never will. And if I'm not talking about one of my special interests, I'm usually the one getting bored. It is physically painful to have to try and pretend to be interested when I'm not.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Do you do anything beneficial with your knowledge? As in, anything of benefit to the rest of society? Volunteering, internship, paid work, etc., shouldn't matter what it is if you're putting it to use. If you're working with animals, you'll also be required to broaden your scope of knowledge as well, so a narrow focus on just meerkats isn't going to be enough. Not saying you focus only on that, but apart from the city zoo or a trip to Africa I don't see any meerkats hanging around.

Doing something with it and not just talking about it can turn things in your favor and give you opportunities down the road.

I'm probably moving to the UK in the future. It is perfectly legal to keep them as pets there. I plan on moving to South Africa someday when I'm all finished with veterinary school. There's a meerkat sanctuary I want to work for. I don't like zoos. You don't get to pick what animals you work with at a zoo anyway. Maybe I could just start my own meerkat place in South Africa?
veterinary school

 

[Progster]

I'm very introverted and tend to go silent round others and don't share much, so this is not something I've had to face. Special interests dominate or influence my life in other ways. I think about them all the time, I'm doing them or spend a lot of time on them, I have projects, I collect, I become obsessed with other countries and their cultures and languages, so had moved around to immerse myself in them. A bit like that lady who moved to New Zealand to be near the place where Lord of the Rings was filmed. When I was at school, I became obsessed with Germany and all I could think about was how to get to Germany to visit places there, learning the language, studying the history, listening to German music, etc. (a bit like you with meerkats, I guess). But the strange thing was that I kept it all inside my head, never talked about it that much to others... just dreaming all the time, in my head, in my own bubble, distant and not engaging with people.

Our interests/obsessions/hobbies or whatever you choose to call them can be a way of escaping, a coping mechanism, the one thing that keeps us going and sane and able to cope, so if someone tries to take away our special interests, it can be damaging.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I'd rather have special interests than friends.

Before I met my Girlfriend, Raven, my insect glaives in Momster Hunter were my best friends.

 

[Au Naturel]

If you want to share your interest with an NT, offer them a little taste and if they don't bite, drop it without judgment on them or yourself.

Don't you wish NTs would do the same when they try to get you into something you have no interest in? Sometimes they get pushy too.

I find the best thing to do is to sample what they offer (Even if you think it might be unpleasant!) and then gently excuse yourself from that particular activity if you don't like it. "Thank you for the offer but it just doesn't fit me." Don't you think it would be nice if NTs responded the same way to your special interests?

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Don't you wish NTs would do the same when they try to get you into something you have no interest in? Sometimes they get pushy too.

I've always noticed that NT's are ALLOWED to be pushy with their interests. And the person in question I originally posted about is autistic too. They used to share special interests …or at least claimed too. There was this one guy I grew up with who my mom always suspected was on the spectrum; but his conservative Christian grandparents didn't believe in having children "labeled" so they never sought out a diagnosis for him and just beat him with the grandfather's belt.

When we got older, he had himself convinced I was madly in love with him. He pretended to share my special interests, but it honestly freaked me out because I can't stand people who completely change themselves to appease someone else....and I knew it wasn't genuine. But the guy who was my actual boyfriend for a while, did seem to be genuinely interested in my special interests.

Always wanting to see pictures of my fursona (yes, we are both furries, although I'm more of a closet furry because the conventions I see online are just so noisy. And unlike most furries, I felt like I was born the wrong species.) Since our relationship was online and since I probably have alexithymia, the fact my parents never really taught me about "the birds and the bees".

Oh sure I knew kids didn't come from storks. But I was never taught about other things that go into sex. He always wanted to know if he made me "wet"....and took it personally when I said I didn't know. Who knows, maybe he would have if he didn't ask me every single day and wasn't such a perve about it. I don't find perves attractive.

Thankfully, he never asked me for nudes or anything like that. I told him if he did, I would block him on the spot. But anyway, the main reason he broke up with me is because I didn't know how to talk about sex and honestly found it disturbing that he wanted to talk about it all the time. Basically he dumped me because he found a girl that would talk about that stuff with him. And then she broke up with him, than the next girl and the next.

But before all of this he used to want to see pictures of my original characters and play our story telling game. Now, he doesn't anymore....at least not with me. He say's my stories are too repetitive and my fursona attacking people (she doesn't actually eat them, but bites) is too much....says the guy who's fursona is a borderline psychopath who literally eats people.