What do you wish you were told about relationships and sex when you were young?

[Canismajoris]

I'd see all my classmates getting knocked up and think "you did that? With them? Why?!"

This reminds me one time that actually has something to do with this thread: as early teenager I wanted to have sex, but it was impossible as I was too shy and inexperienced. Even when the girls literally took their clothes off and asked for sex I was not able... The first time happened when I was 13. One girl who was on my class asked me to go cycling with her. It was summer and we ended up in one empty beach. We kissed a bit and then she started to undress and I was totally frozen. No idea what to do and how to behave I just got cold and she got the message. It was not that I would not have wanted to try it, but there were too many questions. We never spoke a word after that.

This fear of unknown actually prevented me having sex many times during my teenage years. It was almost funny how aggressive girls were and how scared I was... Ofc I suffered and at the time as it was all but funny. Finally I was 18 when I felt secure enough to try it with my first real girlfriend (that relationship lasted over 15+ years btw)...

 

[Shamar]

This reminds me one time that actually has something to do with this thread: as early teenager I wanted to have sex, but it was impossible as I was too shy and inexperienced. Even when the girls literally took their clothes off and asked for sex I was not able... The first time happened when I was 13. One girl who was on my class asked me to go cycling with her. It was summer and we ended up in one empty beach. We kissed a bit and then she started to undress and I was totally frozen. No idea what to do and how to behave I just got cold and she got the message. It was not that I would not have wanted to try it, but there were too many questions. We never spoke a word after that.

This fear of unknown actually prevented me having sex many times during my teenage years. It was almost funny how aggressive girls were and how scared I was... Ofc I suffered and at the time as it was all but funny. Finally I was 18 when I felt secure enough to try it with my first real girlfriend (that relationship lasted over 15+ years btw)...

Sexually aggressive girls? What a concept! The only time in high school when any girls were even remotely sexually suggestive is when I was being set up for a public humiliation. Only one time in college did anything come even close. She invited me in for coffee, and I turned it down. I only figured out later that it was not coffee that was being offered.
Sex education in my high school (late 1960s) could be summed up this way:
1. Girls can get pregnant.
2. Boys are what causes girls to get pregnant.
3. Getting pregnant is a fate worse than death.
4. Getting a girl pregnant means your life is over,
5. Having sex will cause you to contract a horrible,
debilitating disease.
6. Marriage confers immunity to all of the above.
It was, for the most part, considered laughable.

 

[Shamar]

Hi there! I am really interested in looking into what kind of relationship and sex education would have made a difference to you, growing up? I am writing my Masters dissertation at the moment, looking into parental perspectives on the topic, but of course, it's much better to hear from the community itself.
Myself, growing up I had no education at all from my parents. I was left to figure everything out, right down to periods and what they were. I got into a lot of trouble growing up and put myself in some really risky situations. It's only through luck that I didn't get seriously hurt.
School sex ed was pretty much non existent as far as I can remember, and was about the biology rather than relationships and staying safe. I think I finally twigged watching a David Attenborough documentary about whales!!!That was in the 80s. I know nowadays schools look at online safety, and grooming issues, but I don't think that they touch on what are healthy relationships, dating, etc.
What do you guys think?

I can state that in my schools, relationships were not taught, other than you were supposed to get married. In retrospect, for me, it was a non issue, since I was not capable of relationships at that time (still true) despite my best efforts and wishful thinking. The sex talk from my father seemed to be something about avoiding gays and perverts, although not nearly that clear and concise, and without using those terms.
Perhaps "relationship" is not the correct word, but it is less clumsy than "social emotional connection and bonding based on mutual friendship, romantic, or sexual attraction."

 

[Canismajoris]

Sexually aggressive girls? What a concept!

I know. It has been one weird ride. I would have quite many stories of this kind, but I guess this is not the thread for those...

 

[Baeraad]

I know. It has been one weird ride. I would have quite many stories of this kind, but I guess this is not the thread for those...

You can colour me jealous too. Sexually aggressive women are awesome. I mean, partly for purely practical reasons, since it means I don't have to be the one to try to do the balancing act between "too unassuming to notice" and "so blatant as to cause offense." But also just generally awesome.

 

[Shamar]

You can colour me jealous too. Sexually aggressive women are awesome. I mean, partly for purely practical reasons, since it means I don't have to be the one to try to do the balancing act between "too unassuming to notice" and "so blatant as to cause offense." But also just generally awesome.

Agree, at least you can figure out what is going on. I usually have trouble telling the difference between "friendly," "flirty," "let's have sex," and "get away from me you creepy pervert," unless these actual words are used.

 

[SDRSpark]

Agree, at least you can figure out what is going on. I usually have trouble telling the difference between "friendly," "flirty," "let's have sex," and "get away from me you creepy pervert," unless these actual words are used.

OMG me too. This is my most troublesome social deficit. As soon as sex enters the picture, I become almost completely blind to body language and subtle cues. I've figured the rest out, but not this.

I'm glad I'm asexual or I would probably get in a lot of trouble. As it is I find myself in sticky situations, but only occasionally.

 

[Canismajoris]

I usually have trouble telling the difference between "friendly," "flirty," "let's have sex," and "get away from me you creepy pervert," unless these actual words are used.

My wife actually struggled with me with this issue. She has said that I did not get the clues she gave until she started to express herself very straight. To this day I dont know when she switched to flirt from casual conversation. I was just chatting along.

I guess this has something to do with ASD's usually having bad skills to understand social situations.

 

[tducey]

Would have been nice to have learned about how to approach sex and sexual relationships as an Aspie.

 

[Khendra]

My family mostly dodged the topic. I learned through the Bible, medical books, and porn -- a very unlikely trio. However, I didn't put myself into any risky situations. Men tend to find me unattractive. But I had lots of confusion on the issue, as to what was right and wrong. The porn thing is especially unaddressed among women. There's an assumption in both secular and religious circles that women need emotional relationships and don't view porn for the same reasons men do. But I did. I like the male body and find certain men very attractive to stare at. I had to persuade people in religious and secular circles that women can indeed be visually stimulated. If lust is a sin for men, it must also be for women. If not, then I'm free to view pics of naked guys all day. Got to have consistent logic there.

 

[righan]

This was an important topic to me growing up. I was desperate to understand it because whenever I asked people no one ever seemed to know specifics about how relationships were supposed to work or how you were supposed to do it ... they said you just knew ... or that i would just understand when I got older ... it would just come to me ... and of course it never did.

However, I'm not really sure it ever came to them either ... since so many people can't seem to get along and so many relationships are toxic ... it seems to me most people don't really know what they are doing.

So I feel like conflict resolution, communication skills, other inter-relationship skills, self actualization skills (can't have a healthy relationship without a healthy self), as well as concepts about co-dependency, independence, and interdependency are all things I should have been taught and I shouldn't have had to hunt them down to learn them.

 

[Khendra]

This was an important topic to me growing up. I was desperate to understand it because whenever I asked people no one ever seemed to know specifics about how relationships were supposed to work or how you were supposed to do it ... they said you just knew ... or that i would just understand when I got older ... it would just come to me ... and of course it never did.

However, I'm not really sure it ever came to them either ... since so many people can't seem to get along and so many relationships are toxic ... it seems to me most people don't really know what they are doing.

So I feel like conflict resolution, communication skills, other inter-relationship skills, self actualization skills (can't have a healthy relationship without a healthy self), as well as concepts about co-dependency, independence, and interdependency are all things I should have been taught and I shouldn't have had to hunt them down to learn them.

You are correct; most of humanity struggles with these things. I think my parents modeled a pretty good marriage, but as far as the sex issue goes, I wish they would have discussed this a little more with me, including what boundaries need to be there (for example, I was raised in a Christian home, and I've since learned the Bible and Christianity define fornication -- or premarital sex -- as a sin, but most Christians lack awareness of this being a sin, let alone it being a sin on the same scale as homosexuality in the Bible, even though it's far more rampant, statistically).

I have a good marriage now, and I managed to avoid toxic relationships, but I didn't wait until marriage for the sex. I wish I would have, and gotten married sooner.

 

[anxiety247]

What would someone who is attracted to the opposite gender, can think about sex, but isn't exactly interested in actually performing the acts be called? Would that still be Asexual?

 

[Crossbreed]

What would someone who is attracted to the opposite gender, can think about sex, but isn't exactly interested in actually performing the acts be called?

Since autism is a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, I would say a "pre-sexual." I can remember being a teen and thinking, "Wow! She's hot!" But I could in no way envision myself getting naked with her naked self.

There seems to be a point in neuro-typical development where the sex drive overwhelms one's younger sense of immodesty (and I didn't get there in the expected timeline). Even now, I can only think of my wife in that context, but I think that it worked/works to my advantage.

@anxiety247 , did you get/enjoy non-sexual hugs from you family members? Spouse-to-spouse affection is like parent-child affection, only more intense.

 

[Baeraad]

Since autism is a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, I would say a "pre-sexual." I can remember being a teen and thinking, "Wow! She's hot!" But I could in no way see myself getting naked with her naked self.

There seems to be a point in neuro-typical development where the sex drive overwhelms one's younger sense of immodesty (and I didn't get there in the expected timeline). Even now, I can only think of my wife in that context, but I think that it worked/works to my advantage.

That's... very interesting to me, actually, because I've noticed that about myself too. I absolutely have a sex drive. What I don't seem to have is any clue about how it relates to other human beings. The one time I was actually in bed with someone, I expected my body to, ah, respond automatically to the sudden realisation of a long-time fantasy. Instead, my body was just like, "... huh? What's this got to do with me?" I really enjoyed the intimacy of getting to snuggle someone skin-to-skin, but the sexual aspect just sort of refused to manifest. I thought at the time that it was just because I was nervous. Now I wonder.

There's also the fact that it's so easy for me to fall very chastely in love with women, being absolutely aflame with how much I adore them, without anything sexual entering into it. This has usually been the case with women that I couldn't be with for one reason or another, but still, it doesn't seem to be something that other people do.

 

[Crossbreed]

There's also the fact that it's so easy for me to fall very chastely in love with women, being absolutely aflame with how much I adore them, without anything sexual entering into it.

That sounds like a "crush" to me.

 

[Crossbreed]

Since autism is a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, I would say a "pre-sexual."

Paul Anka: Puppy Love

 

[Baeraad]

That sounds like a "crush" to me.

I prefer "romantic friendship." But, yeah. There are a lot of ways in which I just can't seem to stop thinking and feeling like a child. This may be one of them.

 

[anxiety247]

That's... very interesting to me, actually, because I've noticed that about myself too. I absolutely have a sex drive. What I don't seem to have is any clue about how it relates to other human beings. The one time I was actually in bed with someone, I expected my body to, ah, respond automatically to the sudden realisation of a long-time fantasy. Instead, my body was just like, "... huh? What's this got to do with me?" I really enjoyed the intimacy of getting to snuggle someone skin-to-skin, but the sexual aspect just sort of refused to manifest. I thought at the time that it was just because I was nervous. Now I wonder.

There's also the fact that it's so easy for me to fall very chastely in love with women, being absolutely aflame with how much I adore them, without anything sexual entering into it. This has usually been the case with women that I couldn't be with for one reason or another, but still, it doesn't seem to be something that other people do.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

I love romantic relationships, with hand holding and hugs and cuddling. Even talk about sex, but when I go to actually do it my body responds differently.

Unfortunately this has strained my relationship with my boyfriend, though we've been together for 10 years now. I thought I would eventually get used to it, and that I just wasn't ready yet. But what if it's an Aspie thing where this becomes lifelong? I don't want my boyfriend going his whole life missing out on something because of me.

 

[Baeraad]

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

I love romantic relationships, with hand holding and hugs and cuddling. Even talk about sex, but when I go to actually do it my body responds differently.

Unfortunately this has strained my relationship with my boyfriend, though we've been together for 10 years now. I thought I would eventually get used to it, and that I just wasn't ready yet. But what if it's an Aspie thing where this becomes lifelong? I don't want my boyfriend going his whole life missing out on something because of me.

Uhm. I feel very inappropriate suggesting this, and I may be missing something important - because as I have just admitted, I have very little practical experience with the female body - but would it be possible to purchase some lubricant and just let him... do his thing, from time to time? Or when you say that your body reacts differently, do you mean with absolute horror and revulsion?