What do you wish your parents had done differently?

[Captain Mars]

I wish my father could've understood me better as a child, the way he's starting to now as an adult.
I wish my mother, the only aspie adult in my life that could've led me by example, didn't decide to up and abandon her children.
I wish both my parents realized just how badly their words and actions affected not just me, but my younger siblings as well.
Hell, I wish my long-term memory wasn't as ridiculously strong and picture perfect as it is, I wish I could forget the pain I've been carrying for years that always feels fresh when I wake up every morning.
I wish they told me that they loved me and showed it half as often as I can remember being derided as an impossible mess.
I wish I didn't have to give up nearly every inch of my childhood so I could shoulder their problems and more importantly the issues those problems left us.

In the end, I really just wish they could've taught me to love myself the way everyone else seems to be able to do. Cause I don't know how much longer I can take having this awful voice in the forefront of my mind screaming about how useless, selfish, and worthless I apparently am. God I wish it would just stop...

 

[Shevek]

I wish they had tried to explain things. Dad didn't share my boyhood enthusiasm for souped-up cars, but all I could see was that they had been made faster. He never explained that they also needed a lot more maintenance. Now, the fastest dragster engines can't last ten seconds at full power. He didn't like the way I mixed mortar, but didn't point out that two fast, sloppy strokes were better than one carefully planned one. The first time I ever held a wood plane, it was almost too heavy for me, but he didn't give me some scraps to practice on. He asked me to do a tricky job on curved part, and was very unhappy when I made a bit of it flat, which is the natural function of a plane. He also completely missed that I don't learn well by watching, with rather dim mirror neurons.

 

[blue_bird]

All I ever wanted from them was to just listen, and to try to understand me when I explained to them what was going on in my head. Apart from that I can't really fault them.

 

[Shevek]

I wish they had given me permission to practice talking to strangers before I got kicked out. Some other practical life skills would have been appreciated, too. I wish they had stuck up for me when the school made an obvious mistake. I wish I'd seen them argue and make up, and have fun sometimes.

 

[GrownupGirl]

What's an emotional bully?

It's someone who is always saying nasty and hurtful things to you, like "You're ugly/fat/stupid/lazy/weird/evil/worthless, and you should just go kys". They might not physically hurt you, but in a way the emotional pain is even worse because it's on the inside.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

i think my parents failed in the the aspect that they never really had the talk with me or never really drilled it psychologically into my mind that life isn't fair.

 

[Jonn]

Not told everyone and their dog about it.

My parents did that to me too.

 

[Misty Avich]

My parents did that to me too.

That's why I don't like telling anyone now. As an adult I have moved towns and know a lot of new people and it's so nice to not be known as a label but just as me instead. It feels free, and doesn't require extra masking or anything. I have atypical ASD, meaning my case is too Aspie to not be on the spectrum but not Aspie enough to be on the spectrum, so I sit on that awkward line in between. But my diagnosis doesn't need to be broadcasted. Where I work now is the first place I have ever been where nobody knows about my diagnosis (well, except for preschool and infant school but I didn't have the diagnosis then). It does feel wonderful, because whenever I have a panic attack at work I don't get people bringing up that awful "Sp-her-jers" (how the British irritatingly pronounce it). They just see me as a nervous person.

 

[Jonn]

That's why I don't like telling anyone now. As an adult I have moved towns and know a lot of new people and it's so nice to not be known as a label but just as me instead. It feels free, and doesn't require extra masking or anything.

I am happy that you have that privacy.
Unfortunately for me, I am under constant monitoring and there is nowhere I can go to escape that intrusion.
But I have developed inherent strategies to combat it, making life comfortable.

I have atypical ASD, meaning my case is too Aspie to not be on the spectrum but not Aspie enough to be on the spectrum, so I sit on that awkward line in between.

That must be frustrating.
I have a similar issue in that most ppl can't see I am on the spectrum, but clearly I am.
There are other issues that ppl seem to focus on.
I'd like to point out that a person can have comorbidities.

It does feel wonderful, because whenever I have a panic attack at work I don't get people bringing up that awful "Sp-her-jers" (how the British irritatingly pronounce it). They just see me as a nervous person, plus they know about my ADHD.

I am glad to hear that.

 

[Cryptid]

What do you call a bloke that yells and screams at a 5 year old and tells him he wishes he never had kids?

"Dad".

 

[Misty Avich]

Also this is another reason why I don't tell people. Found this quote on Google:-

When interacting with an adult with autism, be literal, clear, and concise. Avoid the use of slang, nuance, and sarcasm. These forms of communication may be confusing and not easily understood by a person on the autism spectrum.

It's how autism is described everywhere you read, and it's frustrating for people like me who don't have these certain autism deficits. That's why Aspies like me tend keep closeted about it.

 

[Eren]

Father:

*) I witnessed my father mistreating my mother for quite some time, basically until they separated. They are one of the first memories I have, they separated when I was about 5 years old or so.

I even remember that once, to hurt my mother, he came to where I was sitting, I was watching TV or playing something, I don't remember, but I do remember exactly which couch I was sitting on at that moment, and he didn't. He stopped telling me "when you have a woman you have to hit her, no matter how good she is" and I remember that my mother tried to stop him from saying anything to me.

*) He was always overprotective of me, which is really unpleasant, even when he was relatively old.

*) He is a manipulative narcissist, he has always been angry with his entire family (his parents, siblings, etc...) and he has always tried (sometimes he has succeeded) to keep me from relating to absolutely any of them, and I care. It doesn't matter if he did it with "good intentions, to protect me" in general his family are good people.

Not only has he done direct things to prevent me from seeing my grandparents (like telling me not to go, or forbidding them from seeing me), he has also done indirect, very manipulative things, typical of a psychopath, to keep me away from his family, and The worst thing is that sometimes he succeeded.

*) He is a religious fanatic, he has been since he separated, and he has an absurdly twisted vision of ethics/morals, which he tries to impose on everyone around him, including me, and having OCD (diagnosed) I think he affected very negatively, the last thing a child with OCD needs is a long list of things that are sins and a prayer ritual before sleeping.

Mother:

*) He has always invalidated my problems, comparing them to his own, I have been diagnosed with OCD for many years, he has never understood it nor wanted to understand it, once he even made fun of my diagnosis in front of a friend of mine. When I had depression, her only "help" was to tell me that I had no reason to be like this, that when she had depression she had many reasons and that the psychiatrist told her that it was normal for her to have depression with all the things that happened to her, but that I had no reason, and that if I continued with a bad face, she would leave home because she couldn't stand the situation of seeing me like that anymore. Also when I got frustrated because she didn't understand me, she told me "I don't have to understand it" and when I responded "nor do I have to understand you" she told me "but I'm the mother", you don't want to accept/ understand others, but you hope that others do the same with you.

*) She has always cared a lot about money, I remember that she often took me to psychologists with the intention of obtaining a small payment for my disability, she took me to social security and told me what I should say so that the evaluator gave me a sufficient degree of disability to be able to receive money. Instead of all that titanic effort of bureaucracy to receive $70 a month, perhaps it could have been more effective to perceive all those oddities that you have always reminded me to obtain a diagnosis and treatment since I was a child? Instead of always treating me like an idiot because of my limitations, calling me weird, abnormal, etc...

*) Quite manipulative at times too, I remember when I was a teenager that my father and I were angry, we hadn't spoken for months (I honestly don't remember why, but I was a really rebellious teenager at that time) and she wouldn't stop He insisted that I should make peace with him, that I should talk to him, that after all he was my father, etc... I finally agreed and had a relationship with him again, shortly after, when I was talking to him about the things I had done. with my father, then she got angry because "ahh, now suddenly you care a lot about your father" as if reproaching me for having enjoyed being with him.

*) When something happens to others, she downplays it and minimizes it, on the other hand, when it happens to her it is an absolute drama and we must all stop to help her.

I'm so sorry for all this text, but I saw this thread about things your parents would have done differently and I couldn't help but vent.

 

[Misty Avich]

I am happy that you have that privacy.
Unfortunately for me, I am under constant monitoring and there is nowhere I can go to escape that intrusion.
But I have developed inherent strategies to combat it, making life comfortable.

I was under constant monitoring when I was a kid. I hated it. It made me feel not normal, and all I wanted was to be a normal kid. Unlike others on the spectrum, I actually faired better socially before I got diagnosed. It was the social services and teachers and child psychiatrists who were so determined to get me labeled with whatever was most suited at the time (ADHD would have actually been more accurate but because stupid me was so shy in class that diagnosis wasn't an option in the 90s era).

That must be frustrating.
I have a similar issue in that most ppl can't see I am on the spectrum, but clearly I am.
There are other issues that ppl seem to focus on.
I'd like to point out that a person can have comorbidities.

At places I was previously where everyone and their dog knew about me having Asperger's, it was always brought up. Whatever I liked, didn't like, how I felt, everything, was to do with Asperger's. I get that people were only being understanding, so I'm not blaming them at all, but I personally prefer to be me, not an 'Asperger's Syndrome'.

For example at my current job when I felt I was being picked on last year, at least I could have a conversation with the union rep without my diagnosis being brought up. If my work had known about Asperger's, they'd probably be like "... because of your Asperger's syndrome you're more sensitive to bullying..." or something like that. But because they are none the wiser, they just treated it like they would any NT, and it felt good. I don't want special treatment at work. In fact if I just let on that I have anxiety then I'd probably get better special treatment than I would if I let on about ASD, because at least by the former they'll just see me as another NT but with anxiety. With ASD people seem to be more like "oh, she's autistic, she doesn't seem it though, I mean she's not like my auntie's second cousin's brother's adult nephew who has autism, he flaps his hands and is unable to communicate his feelings to others, Misty is probably the same but is just fantastic at masking, so we'll best whisper quietly to her and explain things to her in a very precise way and treat her like an elderly lady with Alzheimer's, just in case she might lose her mask and start rocking in the corner." Um, nope.

 

[Shevek]

I surmise that my parents noticed that I was smart about some things, and just assumed I was smart about everything. They did try to expose me to situations where they might have learned something, but in areas where I was almost hopeless, such as learning how to file things for future reference, and take good notes, they didn't even notice, let alone try to teach some basics. I was 56 before I learned that IQ and EQ are separate and independent variables, and that changed my life. I still can't file at all well.

 

[jsilver256]

Finally got the full evaluation back. High IQ. ASD2. The ASD2 instead of ASD1 part is a surprise. Apparently his teachers rated him very harshly. Sigh... I don't know.

 

[Jonn]

I still can't file at all well.

Executive dysfunction is a "B".

 

[SPEED RACER]

Figured out I was autistic when I was a kid

 

[Misty Avich]

Had the bottle to tell the child psychiatrists and the school that I was their kid and they'll support me themselves and that I don't need a label.

 

[jsilver256]

Had the bottle to tell the child psychiatrists and the school that I was their kid and they'll support me themselves and that I don't need a label.

Unfortunately not really possible in our case. He does need a lot of intervention, or we would not have gone through this process in the first place. But you are correct and we will keep his diagnosis on a need-to-know basis in real life.

 

[Misty Avich]

Unfortunately not really possible in our case. He does need a lot of intervention, or we would not have gone through this process in the first place. But you are correct and we will keep his diagnosis on a need-to-know basis in real life.

Well it depends on the child too. I don't think it's bad on any parents to go through the diagnosis procedure for their child, in fact it's a good thing. But in my case I wish my diagnosis wasn't existent in childhood or out in the open. Most children don't react to their diagnosis like I did. Your son will more likely be grateful for receiving a diagnosis so early in life. Plus there's not the stigma so much in schools like there used to be when I was growing up.