What does having a crush feel like to you?

[mourningdove]

Just curious! I've heard that since my "definition" of having a crush doesn't necessarily include sexual attraction, it's a little unusual! In recent years after reading the book ACE, I realized I'm on the asexual spectrum (demi, for those who know about such things) so I sort of chalk it up to that.

I want to see who feels similarly before I write about what a typical crush feels like to me. Plus I need time to think about it!

 

[AprilR]

For me i get curious about that person, and that person's inner world. There are certain personality traits that i admire, and i look up to them when that person has them. I have not had a crush in years though so i dont really know.

 

[Misty Avich]

You're right, a crush doesn't necessarily mean anything sexual, though if I have a crush on a woman I call it a "heterosexual crush" just so people won't get the wrong idea. I used to get heterosexual crushes on female teachers when I was a kid and I would get teased (yes, kids were very homophobic back then).

A crush on a male is sexual for me. When I get a crush on a guy I just feel all dreamy when I look at him and I have an urge to kiss him and I just want to marry him. I don't get this so much these days though because I am married so my husband is my crush. But I used to obsessively crush on men back when I was single. I would flirt and want to ask them out. I'd also gaze at their body.

With a heterosexual crush (a crush on a female) I don't have any of the sexual thoughts or wanting to look at her body or anything. I have no interest in breasts whatsoever. But I'll get fascinated by her, want to be friends with her, want to know everything about her, and want to be like her because I admire her. Usually jealous feelings develop though, as I do become jealous of her and so badly want to BE her.

Not saying this is the definition of a crush but to me a crush is just an obsession.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Such an interesting question! I'm very curious to read other people's descriptions (and yours, @mourningdove, if you want to share it at some point).

I'm romantic-asexual (recently read ACE too and found it very interesting, although I figured out my asexuality a while ago). So far throughout my life, I fell in love only with men, but got crushes on both men and women. Funnily enough, I only started getting conscious crushes on women as an adult. Looking back, I might have been in love with my at-the-time same-sex best friend as a teenager, but I can't tell in retrospect.

A crush to me feels all tingly and exciting, but with nothing sexual behind it. When I get a crush, it's usually on someone I don't know very well, e.g. a new work colleague or a teacher in a sports class. I get excited to see them, nervous (but in a good way) about talking to them, think about them when they're not there, get excited and a little tingling in my stomach when we're texting (if we are). If I see/meet them, it feels like I startle, but not in a bad way. And body contact gets exciting, but only in the way of non-sexual touching (e.g. touching their hand or sitting next to each other or hugging). I have absolutely no urge to kiss them, let alone go further than that, or to start a real relationship with them. Also, for me, crushes like these only last a certain time and usually fade, the better I get to know the person, or simply over time. I am in a very happy, stable relationship, and I don't see these little, occasional crushes as a threat to it, since I would never act on them and don't have the desire to act on them. They're crushes, not love. I even tell my partner about them, and he finds it sweet and funny.

 

[AspieChris]

There never was an ‘in between’ phase for me. No crushes. No puppy love. I’d go from barely knowing a woman to wanting to marry her overnight. Not all women, just one at a time.

It’s worked well for my wife because I’m married now, so I don’t think of marrying anyone else. No wandering eyes. No chance of infidelity.

 

[Tired]

With a heterosexual crush (a crush on a female)

But you are female. If you have a crush on another woman, that's not hetero, that's homosexual.

 

[Tired]

For me crush borders on obsession. I want to spend every possible moment with that person, and I need to know that they feel the same. When I'm with that person - I am incredibly happy. When I am not, I am counting seconds until I can be with that person again. All my thoughts just circle around that person, even while I do other things. I cannot relax and do other things, I just hyper focus on that person, and I want them spiritually, emotionally and sexually.

 

[Misty Avich]

But you are female. If you have a crush on another woman, that's not hetero, that's homosexual.

But we established in this thread that crushes are not always sexual, so having a non-sexual crush on another female isn't homosexual...which I guess means not heterosexual either. I believe what I meant was "a non-sexual crush" or "as a heterosexual myself it's a crush on another (usually heterosexual) female".

 

[Aspychata]

A crush, that's like every minute l wonder how they are doing, what they are doing. I dream about them. I lose track of time when l am with them.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was an adolescent I developed sexual crushes on men and non-sexual obsessions on women. Like another member here mentioned in this thread, the people I got obsessed with were people I didn't know that well and were just sorting of local residents in my hometown that I knew of but didn't know personally.

Anyway the obsession kind of took over my mind, like when a virus takes over a computer and sort of corrupts all your files. This is what obsession did to my mind, corrupted all my thoughts so that everything I thought about somehow ended up centering around the people I were obsessed with. So obviously that made me talk endlessly about them even though I knew people were fed up or bored or not interested but it's so hard to talk about other things when your whole mind has been taken over by an obsession.

It's just another shameful thing I did due to Asperger's or whatever I've got. I acted like I was stalking and almost got in trouble with the police for it. My mum felt so embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour. So did I. I didn't even enjoy this obsession really, it just overrided my mind and I was so glad when the obsession began to die out. I felt free and open-minded again. It was wonderful.

 

[jsilver256]

My crushes have always been purely intellectual. I don't feel the need to label this aspect of my experience as 'aceromantic' or 'asexual,' which I believe is related to my alexithymia. My husband is my one and only, and I love him as deeply as anyone can be loved.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Yeah I'm in the same boat as the OP, in that I don't really experience crushes the same way that others do, and I'd identify as demiexual too, though for me the gender of the person doesn't matter to me I dunno how it is for the op.

I've known this to sone extent for years but ofc back then I didn't know what was going on with me, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me or that maybe I was broken. Because unfortunately there's all the societal expectations around relationships and how they should pan out, essentially you develop a crush on someone, pursue that crush, and if you play your cards right then you'll have a bf/gf that might even become your wife/husband someday.

But for people who are different from the norm in terms of how attraction works for them, or doesn't, it can be frustrating because there's all this pressure on you to be just like everyone else, to get a crush on someone and ask them out on dates. You have friends and family asking you when you'll get yourself a partner, and if they see you with the opposite sex they'll maybe assume that they're your partner or you're working to make them your partner when maybe that's not what you want and you just wanna be friends.
Speaking from experience here ofc, as I've had to deal with that since at least Middle School and it's rather frustrating because It just doesn't work like that for me. Unfortunately I still have to deal with that even now from my father who just won't give up on trying to get me to "Find yourself a girl and settle down", but I guess I haven't exactly told him that I already have a partner though that's for good reason as he's shown himself to be homophobic and it's a same sex relationship.

As for how crushes work for me?
Well I didn't really get to experience that feeling until I finally came out of my shell in my early 20s and started seeking friends online, which was how I eventually found my current best friend. However for a short period of time I had a crush on her and wanted us to be a bit more than just friends but I gave to on that when I realized that wouldn't work due to us having a quite significant age gap between us (she's in her late 40s iirc) and also due to a few other reasons so we just became besties Instead. Not too long after that is when I met my current partner, developed a crush on him after getting to know him better and going through with that by telling him my feelings for him and being overjoyed to the point of crying when he said he felt the same. I didn't care that he was male, I knew how I felt and I wasn't going to deny my feelings for him.

As for how that felt for me? Well I'd say that it felt tingly and was like a surge of emotions within me, and one of those feelings was happiness. I also noticed that I started having thoughts of wanting to be with them, of them moving here or vice versa so we truly be together, what we could do such as hug, kiss, and cuddle. I didn't necessary think of sexual things though, as it was more romantic loving things like I just mentioned instead.
I still have those thoughts from time to time regarding my current partner and I always anticipate when I can talk with him and spend time with him, which as he currently lives in another country that typically amounts to us either playing games together online, watching stuff online, or just chatting.
.

 

[Tom]

Thoughts of the person fill your mind and I had a very strong reaction if in their presence. It was actually strongest when I was young, like late childhood and early teens, so I suspect some physiological aspect at work, like hormones, etc.

I had several in that period including a girl in class in 7th or 8th grade. But most were movie or tv stars. Elizabeth Montgomery was one. Her Twilight Zone role as a vaguely Eastern European soldier survivor of a nuclear apocalypse was very capitivating. Was always attracted to the strong woman type. I ended up marrying one!

 

[mourningdove]

Hey guys! Everyone's responses have been really interesting to read through, so thank you all so much for answering!

I've had some more time to think it over, and I think my description of a crush is closest to yours, @AuroraBorealis .
Right down to telling my longtime partner about my crushes because he and I both know that my having a crush on someone doesn't mean I'm leaving or thinking of sleeping around. Of course, we are both jealous boys (especially me ), so sometimes I have to give a bit of reassurance- but I think it's fun and joyful for him above all, to see my enjoyment/goofiness over whoever my mind is on.

So, here it is, what having a crush feels like to me:
When I was a kid growing up, nearly all my crushes were on celebrities (musicians especially), or on characters from different cartoons I'd watch (James from Pokemon was the OG!). I've always been more fond of people older than me. Not for any particular reason other than they tended to be more aesthetically pleasing to me loool. Only in my teens did I start liking people around my own age as well. Also, crushes happened less and less frequently as I got older. I stopped liking strangers and shifted to liking people I knew. Gender/sex isn't really a factor in attraction. In recent years (~2018-2024) I've had crushes on one woman (my supervisor at a Summer job lmao), one man (my partner!), and two nonbinary people. I've only been in love once ever, and that's with my partner. It is markedly different from just a crush, but that's for another thread!

I'm still going gaga over my close nonbinary friend (he/they), so I'll describe my feelings for him. I will say, I sometimes have sexual feelings for him, but this is definitely not the norm for me. Most of the crushes I've had in my lifetime have been entirely non-sexual.

W (arbitrary placeholder for their name) is on my mind very often, and I feel energized instead of drained after we talk or hang out. A message or even a "react" to something I've sent them makes me feel happy and excited; I can almost physically feel the love gushing and pouring out of my heart. Whenever something remotely funny or interesting happens, I want to tell him about it. I crave hugs, cuddles and physical affection with him. When we hug, however briefly, I am redeemed lol. I would, like with many crushes I've had, love to kiss him if my partner and I didn't think of it as stepping outside of the bounds of our relationship. Kissing, as long as it's not making out, feels more of a romantic act to me than a sexual one.

I'm silly around W, both voluntarily and involuntarily. I love making him laugh/smile. Like when I had a crush on my old supervisor, I can go very deeply into dumb teenaged boy/puppydog mode and just feel like I'm constantly tripping over my own feet, stumbling around all lovesick. It's actually a really nice feeling.

I'm obsessed, I'm all mushy inside, and I'm becoming fascinated with bits of W's interests, culture, life, personality, etc. etc. W is Muslim and learned Arabic for a time so of course I call him "habibi" half-jokingly and affectionately...I only get away with it without giving my feelings for them away because we're very close friends at this point.... Anyway, yes, they inspire positive action and study and other good things.

Something I used to do LOTS was stare and stare at pictures of whoever I liked at the time, but I don't do this as much with W. I did with my current partner for a LONG time, but I see him everyday now so it's less necessary. I just crave seeing the object of my affections; I don't/can't fall for anyone I find aesthetically unappealing, so often I will just admire and admire and admire their faces. I can get very fixated on this and obsessed. I've lost hours staring at a passport picture of my partner's when I should've been reading for one of my colleges classes, HA! On the other hand, I'm not very body obsessed. Bodies are attractive for different reasons, but I find the most beauty in people's faces, hair, and style of dress most of all. Another old habit was daydreaming about the person constantly, usually about physical affection: cuddling, hugging etc. The last person I did this with was my partner. Since daydreaming has become a very minor part of my life (I've lost some creativity and ability to visualize things in my mind since I started taking antidepressants), I just don't do that in an in-depth way anymore. When I was a kid, it took up nearly half my life. How times change!

Whew! I have written a lot! I am kind of sorry to be such a windbag but I hope that was interesting! Let me know if you have any questions, and I'll do my best to answer!

 

[Seladon]

Thoughts of the person fill your mind and I had a very strong reaction if in their presence. It was actually strongest when I was young, like late childhood and early teens, so I suspect some physiological aspect at work, like hormones, etc.

I agree that hormones play a massive role in making attraction more intense and memorable and formative. It’s like that Stand By Me quote, retooled: “who has crushes like they did when they were 14?”

In my youth, I got so mired in unrequited feelings that it would drive me to do and say things that were really out of pocket (not immoral or illegal, just crazy). In my thirties, I barely even feel frissons of attraction for anyone or anything, just no real intensity.

 

[paloftoon]

I get enamored wanting that person to be physical with me and hopefully accepting me for me. A fantasy, sigh. . . lol.

 

[Makira]

I used to get the classic crushes back when I was a teenager. The type of crush that makes you think about the person a lot and makes you nervous to be around them.

I don't get crushes anymore. I can still like someone, but it usually ends with me or the other person eventually losing interest, or me and the other person I like staying friends since he/she is married or engaged with someone else. Nowadays when I like someone, the only real difference is being able to discuss anything with that person and I will usually find joy in it.

 

[Jonn]

I used to get the classic crushes back when I was a teenager. The type of crush that makes you think about the person a lot and makes you nervous to be around them.

At my age, I wouldn't say I have "crushes".
I call it a "Happy Place" to ruminated about.

If negative intrusive thoughts accost me, I actively direct my thinking towards pleasant thoughts.
This is one of the reasons why deep friendships are so important.

I can still like someone, but it usually ends with me or the other person eventually losing interest,

Friendships need constant maintenance if they want to continue.

 

[Makira]

At my age, I wouldn't say I have "crushes".
I call it a "Happy Place" to ruminated about.

If negative intrusive thoughts accost me, I actively direct my thinking towards pleasant thoughts.
This is one of the reasons why deep friendships are so important.



Friendships need constant maintenance if they want to continue.

I don't have enough mental energy to maintain many friendships at once, so I usually keep in touch with a few people at a time.

 

[Jonn]

I don't have enough mental energy to maintain many friendships at once, so I usually keep in touch with a few people at a time.

This is common with people on the spectrum for the reason you gave.
It applies to me , also.