What does it mean to be a friend?

[dspoh001]

I've recently been feeling a lot of social anxiety. It seems to me that friendship is an incredibly implausible scenario to achieve. My thought process is as follows: No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be a friend and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being an acquaintance to a friend, therefore friendship is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined.
Thoughts on that?

 

[Progster]

Possibly it's a mistake to try to categorize relationships - every relationship is different, just take it as it is and don't worry too much about categorizing it.

 

[Thinx]

Philosophically speaking I think you may have logically seen off Friendship. However Friendship, my dear Spock, is not logical...

Theres a bit in Star trek where Spock goes into a sealed chamber to save them all somehow and says to Kirk I think, I was and always will be ... your friend uh uh uh (apparently dies... or, Does He???) So even Spock was friendship capable, under the logical exterior. It's not a concept, itsunami more irrational and feelingsy. ... or so I hear.

 

[55853]

I'll change some words around from your post:

"No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be on the autism spectrum and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being "NT" to autistic, therefore autism is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined. Autism is therefore an incredibly implausible thing to have".

You could do this with everything. The differences in definitions is from the subjectivity of categorisation.

 

[JB2018]

Can't predict when an acquaintance will become a friend, but I know it when I see it and it's always a good thing! Some friendships are temporary, some permanent, but all are good.
Almost everything in my life is measured to the nth degree -- don't have to do that with friends, can just enjoy the journey. That's how I know they've become my friend and I've become theirs.

 

[AO1501]

There is no definition of what a friend is or how it happens because they, and we, are all different. 'Friendship' is simply when someone matters, and how it comes that they do matter, depends on why they do.

For example, I have two friends in the online world. One I have known for many years and who makes me laugh and confront political issues. She matters to me because I once helped her through a complicated and difficult problem, and I learnt from her that it is possible to find good things when life is bad. The other I have known for much less, and she makes me think and see things differently. She matters to me because she cares deeply for people and reaches out to help them - including me. That concern for others and the human insight is inspiring.

Though perhaps differently (proving that friendship is not a single theme) I care about both of them. I can't identify when they moved from a notional acquaintanceship to friendship, but the way I know they did is when they changed from being people I knew to being people I would help in any way I could if they needed it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Free cookies.

 

[abby normal]

the following quote says it best-
“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” - Dinah Maria (Mulock) Craik (1826-1887) [often attributed to George Eliot]

 

[wight]

the following quote says it best-
“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” - Dinah Maria (Mulock) Craik (1826-1887) [often attributed to George Eliot]

Absolutely.

Friendship (real true friendship) is a rare thing indeed.

 

[Suzanne]

That everything you want from to others, in order to make them a friend, rather than just someone you know, then you are to that person yourself. In other words: do to others, what you wish to be done to you.

Some year's ago, I heard an nt say: I have a wide range of friends. One, I can call any time and she will answer. The other friend: if I need an honest answer, she will give it. Another: if I feel like going out, she is the one to go out with. And so forth. And that got me thinking. Is that what friendship is about? Each one brings a unique something to the friendship "list". I realised I cannot attain to this.

My husband said to me that I seem to be able to make friends, but have no idea how to keep them going. I think what he means is: I have the what ever, to make a potential friend, but then lose it very fast. However, with the invent of the text, I seem to do a lot better.

So, basically to be a friend to someone, is to be there for them when they need it and to leave them alone when they need it.

 

[RachelleG]

I've recently been feeling a lot of social anxiety. It seems to me that friendship is an incredibly implausible scenario to achieve. My thought process is as follows: No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be a friend and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being an acquaintance to a friend, therefore friendship is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined.
Thoughts on that?

I understand where you are coming from. To me, an acquaintance is someone you meet at social events, family or work events and you socialize with this person at these events but you don't socialize with them otherwise. A friend is someone who you socialize with directly - that is you contact this person directly and you meet at one another's place and/or do other activities with them. Secondly, a friend is someone with whom you will have more personal conversations with; that is you get to know each other well and you discuss things that you would not discuss with an acquaintance. I hope this help:

 

[Clio]

I've recently been feeling a lot of social anxiety. It seems to me that friendship is an incredibly implausible scenario to achieve. My thought process is as follows: No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be a friend and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being an acquaintance to a friend, therefore friendship is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined.
Thoughts on that?

I understand where you are coming from. To me, an acquaintance is someone you meet at social events, family or work events and you socialize with this person at these events but you don't socialize with them otherwise. A friend is someone who you socialize with directly - that is you contact this person directly and you meet at one another's place and/or do other activities with them. Secondly, a friend is someone with whom you will have more personal conversations with; that is you get to know each other well and you discuss things that you would not discuss with an acquaintance. I hope this help:

A friend

I understand where you are coming from. To me, an acquaintance is someone you meet at social events, family or work events and you socialize with this person at these events but you don't socialize with them otherwise. A friend is someone who you socialize with directly - that is you contact this person directly and you meet at one another's place and/or do other activities with them. Secondly, a friend is someone with whom you will have more personal conversations with; that is you get to know each other well and you discuss things that you would not discuss with an acquaintance. I hope this help:

I have a brilliant Asperger friend. I am NT and over several years have learned how different we are. We forgive each other and overlook our obvious problems. I have benefited greatly from our valuable friendship and we both appreciate and value each other. I had never heard of Aspergers but read up and it explained so much. He knows his own problems and we meet in the middle. It is not important - we are soul mates.

 

[zylon]

I've recently been feeling a lot of social anxiety. It seems to me that friendship is an incredibly implausible scenario to achieve. My thought process is as follows: No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be a friend and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being an acquaintance to a friend, therefore friendship is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined.
Thoughts on that?

There are two primary meanings of "friend". One is similar to "playmate", focusing on shared activities. The other is "true friend", meaning "one who cares for your well being". Just like the word "love", a word having two meanings can cause much misunderstanding.

 

[BirdHeart]

I've recently been feeling a lot of social anxiety. It seems to me that friendship is an incredibly implausible scenario to achieve. My thought process is as follows: No one has the exact same definition of what it means to be a friend and no one knows the exact moment when someone transitions from being an acquaintance to a friend, therefore friendship is an abstract concept and abstract concepts are unobtainable because they cannot be measured or clearly defined.
Thoughts on that?

 

[BirdHeart]

Friendship is a mine-field. No-one has the same definitions of any words that define values- eg 'good' 'bad', NT's generalise these relative to themselves, so it appears as if they all agree on something but they dont. We are not bad because of this social difference, it's just what some ignorant people think. There is a problem though, and the best way I've found of dealing with this at this moment in time-(am still working on it) is this, stop focussing on the words, most average NT's, do not mean anything they say anyway- "it's just words" to them. So I don't waste my energy on trying normal word responses- I do have to tone myself down a bit because I would go off at tangents that seem relavant or humorous to me but non-sensical to them, but dont try to be 'normal', whatever that actually is.

These are the things to focus on and try to make a few friends who appreciate your ways. These people do exist, finding them may be a bit of hardwork, dont take each failure to feed anxiety and feeling wrong etc etc going over and over each thing. It doesn't matter. NT's make social mistakes too, they are prey to each others lies and falseness too. What I have found is that if I am just genuine and not trying anything except to not say any thing too sharply, or bluntly (why do they mean the same???) things may not always go the way I want, but I dont get harassed or confused so much.

The only test I can see to define whether a friend is genuine or more than an acquaintance is this, ask them to do you a favour that will inconvenience them just a little- and watch their reaction. If they get evasive and confusing, they are not good, if they offer to do it that's great, or even if they cant do it when you need it, but are kindly offering another time they are good.

The other thing I have noticed is that people who when you first meet them have a very friendly and intimate manner, and ask you lots of questions are false and nosy. They seem warm and friendly and so nice and have hundreds of friends, but they will not be a genuine friend who will be there for you in times of trouble.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

most average NT's, do not mean anything they say anyway- "it's just words" to them.

Bingo.

The only test I can see to define whether a friend is genuine or more than an acquaintance is this, ask them to do you a favour that will inconvenience them just a little- and watch their reaction.

Double Bingo.

That's always a good way to get rid of people. A lot always try to get you to do stuff for them.
It can be a trap if you're kind and naturally do things for others anyway.

But why would I prevent the opportunity of people to do and to learn for themselves?

 

[Ang]

Not tryna be funny, but I found out about a month ago . What you gotta do is not talk about work, just ask and talk about them and their family/ situation. This will lead to you having to give advice and support to them. You will feel good and cheer them up.. you will then find out what a friend is when they, or you have to leave the area, or in my case, workplace.. you find that in order to keep up this support, and asking about life, you have to call them or see them once a week, or every other. You got their back and they got yours. Even if they dont got yours, still have theirs but if they make you feel like crap, or are a bad person, dump them. Fk um. They dont deserve you.

 

[Tom]

Way overthinking. Friend is someone you like hanging out with and who likes hanging out with with you.

 

[BirdHeart]

But why would I prevent the opportunity of people to do and to learn for themselves?

Yes in theory, freewill is a great gift of time to learn that we are all given, but some people dont learn and continue to bombard you with daily ignorance- it can be very tiring and a watse of resources/energy. If you trust their goodwill, and nature, then learning together can be a joy- it needs to be genuine and a 2 way thing.

 

[Sabrina]

A friend, for me, is someone that wants to spend time with you, and that is available to talk to you when you need it, specially when you are having a problem. Someone that wants to listen, and not only be listened to.

For me, friendships come and go, they don’t stay. I have one old friend (from college) that I still keep contact with, a few times a year. I also have one virtual that I have never met in real life.
The fact that I’ve moved a lot has something to do with my lack of friends, but also the fact that in the past my so called “friends” ended up being either frenemies or had a relationship with me where I usually had to please them, or give in, but they would not give back. I know that being an aspie, and having being raised by narcissistic parents had something to do with it, too.

I feel that in the past I gave too much to my “friends” but I didn’t get back equally.

For now, everybody I know is an acquaintance, except a couple of people. My husband used to be my friend, not anymore, now that we are separated.