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What helped you the most as a child?

Teers

Teers

New Member
I'm writing several papers on different experiences with Autism, and I'd like to ask a few questions, my goal is to properly educate parents who have young children on the autism spectrum. I'm trying to cater to those who are younger as they're the most impressionable at first and that this early start will push the parents to try harder when they're older.

I'd like to ask a few different topics if you'd be willing to respond and answer I'd be more than happy. I'm also filling in my own points of view as I'm semi high functioning myself.

Did therapy help you at a young age?

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

What was your favorite toy growing up?

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?
 
I don't know that this will help or not, being that I wasn't diagnosed until 23. Re-reading how I answered all these questions, it's more full of "please don't"s than "do"s. I'll try to put in something helpful to your goal from that perspective, just in case you want it:

Did therapy help you at a young age?

Therapy did not help. I lacked the emotional maturity to entertain the idea that I might be wrong, or that there are other ways to look at the same thing. I can't say whether autism-specialized therapies/therapists would be more effective.

In any case, my parents only tried therapy once I had gotten old enough and bold enough to make a nuisance of myself. That's often the case with therapy - it's pursued by parents in the same way they would use a mechanic to fix their car - it's like "fix my kid please, I tried to force him to be normal and that didn't work".

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes, and I still am. Hamburgers still constitute 75%+ of my caloric intake, and as a kid my parents tried to "trick" me by telling me that everything was "just like a hamburger". I took their word for it the first time, and remember how betrayed I felt when pizza did not taste just like a hamburger. Eventually I learned how to give them the middle finger and they just stopped trying to get me to eat new things and started shaming me instead. Also counter-productive.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

No. But again, between trying to trick me and shaming me, nothing was really tried.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

Doing things with me. The only pleasant memories I have of my mother are gardening with her. It was the only time we weren't at each others' throats. It wasn't until I was an adult that I appreciated all the work my dad put in to protect me from the world. But him taking me fishing were also good memories.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Action figures. It was Barbie dolls for a while but...that got put a stop to after a while.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

Don't treat me like a stupid kid.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

You're going to find a lot more success putting the round peg in the round hole than the square one. Keep your heart in the right place and don't try to force it - you aren't always going to know how to help your autistic child, but if you can be there and available for them emotionally it will pay huge dividends when they're older.
 
When I was a kid, I hated school.

Was so glad when I could go home for lunch, and at the end of the day when it was home time. Not so much of that in the secondary years though, was constantly bullied for being from a different part of Sheffield, and for being deaf and disabled.

But of course it was the mid to late 80's, the Internet as we know it hadn't been invented yet so I couldn't do my Blog to write down my thoughts for the days.
 
NOTE: My experiences come exclusively from aspergers/HFA, both my own life and grads that I mentor. I can talk for depression/social anxiety/meltdowns. However, I don't have any experience of LFA or physically debilitating autism.

Did therapy help you at a young age?

No, I was born in the 70s when aspergers wasn't really a thing, so wasn't set apart from those at my schools. As a result I learnt to adjust the hard way and can pass for an NT. I think too much is made of it nowadays, I see many 20 somethings who define themselves by what they call "disorders" and "conditions". The label holds them back and it's something to overcome, not something to appreciate. Instead, I think help could be given to help aspies appreciate their talents, how they can make best use of their skills. To this day, I fail to understand how logical thinking and a high IQ can be considered a disability. They need to learn to accept and cope with other people, deal with sensory overload, crowds and social situations, then direct their special interests toward something productive.


Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes, but my mum just left me to it. I didn't really eat meals, snacked every now and again. I had colour and texture aversions. I didn't have any health issues for it, the only lasting effect was that I didn't really learn nutritional discipline. So eating healthy is an effort and doesn't come naturally.


Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

Yes, but in a structured, not overloading, systematic manner. However, once I've found what I like I stick to it religiously.


When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

She didn't. I don't know if this is common in the autistic community, but my mother had issues. Lots of issues. She grew up in the 40s and 50s so didn't do therapists, and didn't really do doctors either. So looking back I think she had aspergers, paranoid schizophrenia (voices later in life), agorophobia and an unhealthy dose of bitterness. She more or less left me to raise myself and actually that kinda worked. I went off on my own a lot, way more than I would even let my kids do, way more than was safe. But I didn't have many meltdowns for it. I only collapsed when people pushed too hard and started poking me and pressuring me.


What was your favorite toy growing up?

I had a pink kitty beany baby. I liked the feel of the beans. I had small, plastic care bears. I like to collect things and line them up.


If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

For me, I would teach me how to live life. My somewhat negligent mother never taught me how to pay bills or talk to people. Aspergers brings a tendency for isolation, but if you indulge that continuously then it's hard to live in the real world. And unfortunately we don't have the luxury of isolation, so I think some misery is required or else it comes as a nasty shock. I still don't want to live in NT society, but I need to work in it to survive. I'll never enjoy it and wish NTs would stop trying to "convert" us. However, for most aspie parents, I would suggest that they stop trying to "cure" their children and accept them.


And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

For HFA and aspergers (not LFA), my advice would be to man up. I have a few aspies working for me and try to help those through situations that I survived. From their accounts, their parents are being quite frankly pathetic. Each of them has an account of an emotional parent trying to "connect" with them or make them "normal". But it seems to me that the parents are just being needy and they should learn to accept their child for who they are.
 
@Teers

Did therapy help you at a young age?

I had no therapy until I was in my twenties. Think it may have helped in some way.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

My Mother was an excellent cook, so I wasn't all that picky. I was rarely forced to eat
foods that I didn't like. I admired my Father, and he ate everything except for spinach.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

I wasn't given much choice as a child.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

Through reading and sports and doing art and playing board and card games as a family.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

My bike and art supplies.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

Both of them worked all the time. I would have wished that they had more extended family help. So they weren't so tired.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Try to be as fair as possible. Don't choose favourites. Read to your child, and let them see you reading. Try not to let your perceptions become the only ones that matter, listen to your child.
 
I think it's worth emphasising that because this is so hereditable many parents may be affected themselves, plus there's such a range of parenting. I often feel a bit frustrated by advice that seems to assume that parents can easily facilitate their child and are secure and super capable and confident themselves. That's not the norm in my experience. You might do better writing some advice for the children and young people how to cope with parents.

I did a lot of therapy as soon as I emerged from my weird family and I would definitely say it was helpful, altho I might have benefited from the increased levels of understanding of brain difference and high autistic traits we are starting to have now, because I could have usefully factored it in to my thinking earlier than I did.

Yes it's tiresome that so much of what'sbeen happening around HFA is attempts to mask or fit in, yes this can be useful, but it's leaving people with a false identity it's like the little black children in white dominant cultures who draw themselves as white in kindergarten because society isn't positively acknowledging their difference and they create a false self to try to fit in.

That's what many of us have done. Colour me neurotypical. Because that's the only way to be. Then there's a lot of readjustment to do. Turns out I m a swan not an ugly duckling.

Maybe we could offer most people courses in Being more open and flexible in their approach to others?
 
Did therapy help you at a young age?

I've never been to therapy. I don't really know what it is, much less whether it'd have helped me. Maybe my speech would be better, but that's just my speculation.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

No, not really. As a baby, they fed me basically everything (once old enough), and as a child, they encouraged me to try all foods. Maybe that had something to do with it.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

I don't think so, no. I think it helped just being told what to do.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

I'm not sure that I had a connection with them when I was young. I'm only now starting to feel a connection with them.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

None. I never played with toys, I just lined and grouped objects, whether they were toys or not.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

This is tricky. I had a tendency to collect objects (which, as above, I would organise). I would have felt more secure if they did not decide they were rubbish to be thrown away. It made me so secretive, where I hid these collections, and later interests, from them. Even now, I struggle to be open about myself and my interests to people. They were also a bit overprotective about me (I was their first, so I understand). If they would have let me go to and from school by myself, rather than force me to walk with someone who bullied me daily, I'd probably have more self confidence.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

I'm not a parent and I highly doubt I ever will change my mind on not wanting children, so I don't see myself as being in a position to give advice. Maybe to look at the progress their child is making. To look at what they can do, rather than what they can't. To not compare their child to other children. That's what helps me to not give up on myself, at least.
 
Did therapy help you at a young age?

I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s so I didn't have any therapy as a child. I had therapy in my early 20s and it did help, because I became aware of how much bullying had affected me.

Were you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes, I was. My parents used to lie to me, for example, that it was chicken when it was actually squid, or that it was like a food that I did eat.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

Generally speaking, options are helpful, as long as there aren't too many so as to be overwhelming or too difficult to decide.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

I'm not sure that I did on a deep emotional level, but did enjoy my parents taking me for ice cream or doing activities or games together.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Sellotape, books, meccano set, tape recorder, radio, record player.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

Not to let my siblings wind me up and not to punish me for frowning or having the wrong expression, for forgetting and losing things and assuming that I'm doing things on purpose when I'm not. Take sensory sensitivity seriously.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Respect your child as an individual and not just an extension of yourself.
 
Reading and sunglasses and my music, is what helped me cope with childhood.

I was taken to therapists, because of my severe lack of ability to socialise or as the saying was: acutely shy and the therapist just pronounced me to be incredably shy with awful self esteem. But it never went further and nothing was said regards to my anger issues and so, I grew up feeling out of it; not a part of society but not the opposite either.

I was frightened of the sun when a child, because it was too bright and panicked me and then, having my first pair of sunglasses was a dream and suddenly I could cope. Now, if I lose my glasses I got into a fit. I NEED them.

What advice would I give? To help their child to feel accepted; but at the same time, to not spoil. Help them to adjust and guide them gently and realise that when they go into meltdowns, it is due to pain and so, deal quickly with the situation.

Leave a child alone when they are going through their anger and allow them to come to the parent.
 
Thank you everyone who has responded so far, it seems there is a large amount of people who in general just had parents try to cookie cutter you. I guess I was lucky I got raised the way I did.

I'm sorry to those who had bad childhoods, and I sincerely thank the help you've put into this, I'm going to comb through, and take everything you said to write a paper for parents (And maybe as suggested, a guide on how to deal with your parents) for families who are newer to this experience. And for sure the one thing I will make clear, is autism, and aspergers is not something to be fixed, your child is who they are, you can stop minor things like how bad tantrums are (if they get violent) or children having rough times to get to sleep, but in general, your child is a personality all to theirselves. It's better to understand and work with them, then to shape them into a cookie cutter. And lose what makes them, well them.
 
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Did therapy help you at a young age?

Never had one as a child.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Not really. You either ate or you didn't. There were some things I couldn't stand, mostly due to texture, so I wouldn't eat those even if it was only meal I had during the day but you tend to change your mind about other ones when you're rather hungry. Although, if I made something for myself or could choose, I used to go with melted cheese on bread or mashed potatoes more often than not. Especially fries dipped in mashed potatoes(lol).

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

If in organised and precise fashion, then they did. If they were the grumbled type with hinted correct response(so most of these), then didn't.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

Through boarding and card games. Sometimes having a small barbecue in grandma's garden in summer or going near a lake.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Stuffed rabbit. Still have it.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

It was too loud. I'd say that if you're going to shout at each other every day, it's better to get a divorce. Also, it would be nice to have a steady relationship between us, not to go from one extreme of invisibility to the other of being freaky and wrong.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Listen to what the child says. Talk about what is expected from them. Don't play games of hinting and subtlety. Accept who they are and don't try to find a way to make them 'normal'. Plan your time with the kid and present it to them with the option of 'no'. Put on clear rules in the house and don't use the power you have over the kid just because you can. Give them some privacy. They're a person, not a pet or an object to be shaped in a way you want them to be.
 
Did therapy help you at a young age?
My parents were consulted but it was refused. I was just seen as stubborn.
Where you a picky eater?
Not too picky, no dairy (or very limited dairy) the smells disgusts me, and it also makes my stomach hurt.
However, no food touches on my plate, and I always eat one thing at a time... always been like that.
Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?
I don't remember ever having many choices on much of anything??? So, I guess I was good with not many options.
When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?
They mostly didn't. They got divorced when I was little. Later my mom took off and basically abandoned me. I was about to be forced into foster care and my dad came to Texas (gulf coast) and picked me up, but I was mostly just shuffled around until I could make it on my own.
What was your favorite toy growing up?
Erector set, legos, anything I could build things with. No real favorites though.
If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?
Maybe it would have been better for the State to have taken me. Sad, but I would have a lot less to deal with in my past.
And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?
Not sure about talking about kids below 10... I tend to be to logical and literal... But for anyone...

If you want something bad enough you will find a way to get it. You will have to work for it, maybe even suffer for it, but if you truly want something in life, you can have it. Never let people tell you that you cant do something. Do it and FAIL at it until you find the way that works, but never hurt others in the process if you can possibly keep from it... : )
 
My answers are in bold:

Did therapy help you at a young age?

Didn't have therapy

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes. None really other than saying my favorite video game character liked the food I didn't want to eat.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

Yes

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

Mom by fighting for me when needed. Dad by introducing me to sports.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

A video game

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

Nothing really, they did their best with me.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Tell them to always do their best.

Hope these answers help you.
 
Did therapy help you at a young age?
Diagnosed at age 41. No previous attempted therapies or diagnoses.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?
Yes. Consequences and repercussions.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?
Wasn't given options.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?
Communication was largely one-way, and abundantly clear: I was worthless.

What was your favorite toy growing up?
Legos

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?
Everything!!!!!! I was reduced, not raised!

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?
You are priceless just the way you are. NEVER let ANYONE rob you of your sense of worth as a person!!!! Those who would do so only reduce themselves.
 
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