What helped you the most as a child?

[Gracey]

Did therapy help at a young age?

Never had any.


Picky eater? Yes.
Trying to trick a child into eating something that triggers disgust or a gag reflex is counter productive.

It creates lack of trust and stress associated with meals.

If the child eats something. Buy it in bulk.
Options are overwhelming if the lack of trust has already been established.
I remember two options : eat or go hungry.
I chose the latter.
I didn’t waste away to nothing and die.


When young how did parents connect to you best?
Through an interest. When learning.


Favourite toy growing up?
Not sure I remember a single item.
Whatever I could explore at the time.


What would I change about how my parents raised me?
Never be afraid of doing things differently.
Step outside the box.


What advice would I give to other parents?

Enjoy the ride.
Stay open minded and be creative. This is like nothing you’ve ever done so ‘the norm’ is irrelevant.

Work with what you have and NOT what you wish you did.
This is reality, accept it.

Of course it’s hard work, whoever convinced you otherwise was probably lying to you.

No one has all of the answers.
One size does not fit all. That only applies to robots not human children.

If you’re paying attention and observing, you’ll know your child better than anyone else alive today,
- expect lots of opinions and advice from others,
- only choose that which YOU feel may work - based on your knowledge of your own child.

If something isn’t working, drop it - don’t force it.
There’s a reason it isn’t working and it’s probably you.
(Your understanding, approach, perception, goal)
Re examine where you are, where you want to be and try a different approach.

Stretch the truth but don’t lie to a child (in order to ‘manipulate’? Or achieve a desired outcome)
Once you’ve lost their trust, you’ll be screwed.

-when you reach that moment in time when you hear yourself saying “I can’t do this”
If it comes from a place where you feel you’re failing your child,
Know that you already have the ‘stuff’ it’s going to take to carry on.
Re examine your expectations.(of yourself)


If “I can’t do this” comes from a place of, ‘I don’t want to do this’ and you’d like someone else to take the responsibility of raising the child you chose to give birth to,
Get out,
Reboot,
Re enter.
That child didn’t ask to be born, you made the decision.
Zip up your man-suit and crack on.

 

[SusanLR]

Fries dipped in mustard!!! Still love it. Not a ketchup guy like 99% of everyone else???? : )

Chance, this makes me think of a movie that is dear to my heart: Slingblade.
I remember how he liked those "French fried pa-taters with mustard."

Did therapy help you at a young age?
Didn't have any. It wasn't recognised in my young years.
I started some therapy for anxiety problems when I was 18.

Were you a picky eater? If so, what tricks did your parents use?
Picky in the textures and didn't want anything running together on my plate.
They got a sectioned picnic plate for me and that worked.
Thought I would never give up and eat on a regular plate. Did eventually.
Patience was another trick.
Like I remember being afraid of trying corn on the cob. I was afraid the cob would
come out and get in my mouth. Mom cut the corn off with a knife until I got used to
trying the whole piece.

Did it help when you had options to choose between things?
Yes.
I remember Mom buying a frilly dress for me as a kid. I wouldn't wear it as it had
stiff lace I couldn't stand. When I was finally taken to the mall to pick my own things
I picked a dress I loved and was comfortable in.
Giving me full reign was the way to keep me under control.

When you were young, how did your parent connect with you the best?
By paying attention to first drawings, reading to me and as a baby, me and mom had a routine
of everyday rocking me while she sang religious songs to me. Never so content in my life.

What was your favourite toy when growing up?
A childs toy record player which I sat with playing one record at a time endlessly.
And my collection of plastic dinosaurs I kept arranged.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?
By the age of 13 some of my odd ways of not connecting with other kids was brought to my
Mom's attention by the school counselor. She refused to listen, insisting since I was doing fine
intellectually in school there was no problem. They told her she should at least take me for
an evaluation with a psychologist. It might have helped to start realising things. Wish she had.

What advice would I give to a parent of a toddler or child below age ten?
Patience, and praise the child for little things that are accomplishments.
Never put them down, call them stupid or physically think they can "slap some sense" into
their heads. I've heard parents say this and it will only lead to one of two ways.
Either the child will grow up rebellious and fight back or they will have no self esteem and
consider themselves as no good.

 

[Mary Anne]

Thank you everyone who has responded so far, it seems there is a large amount of people who in general just had parents try to cookie cutter you. I guess I was lucky I got raised the way I did.

I'm sorry to those who had bad childhoods, and I sincerely thank the help you've put into this, I'm going to comb through, and take everything you said to write a paper for parents (And maybe as suggested, a guide on how to deal with your parents) for families who are newer to this experience. And for sure the one thing I will make clear, is autism, and aspergers is not something to be fixed, your child is who they are, you can stop minor things like how bad tantrums are (if they get violent) or children having rough times to get to sleep, but in general, your child is a personality all to theirselves. It's better to understand and work with them, then to shape them into a cookie cutter. And lose what makes them, well them.

Violent tantrums and melt downs are anything but “minor.” To a parent or family member, these issues are a huge part of living with an autistic child.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

Did therapy help you at a young age?

I had therapy at a young age, but not for autism. Kids picked on me as a kid so they decided that I needed therapy for being anti-social. I didn't find much endearing about the tormentors, but they were deemed pretty normal. Almost needless to say the therapy provided nothing of value and he never identified any of my, rather obvious, autistic tendencies.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes, my parents tried all sorts of things and nothing worked. I wouldn't eat sandwiches or cold food in general so that ruled out eating at lunch. This was a big problem. Strangely, I am a very diverse eater now, although I don't eat meat anymore, but that's not due to pickiness.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

Never really thought about this or what the alternative may have been like.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

They didn't.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Lego.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

I don't blame them for anything. I was a difficult child to raise and they didn't know what they were dealing with.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Without a lot more details on the situation giving advice would be trivial and insincere.

 

[Tom]

Clay

 

[Nervous Rex]

Did therapy help you at a young age?
I didn't have therapy. I remember being 9 or 10 and asking my teacher if she or the principal could figure out why I "cry so much" (I guess we call those "meltdowns" now). I knew I was different and was asking for help trying to be normal. I didn't get any help, nor was I told to not try to be normal. I was left to figure things out on my own.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?
I wasn't allowed to be a picky eater. You ate what was given you and you ate all of it. My stepmom always made eggs soft-boiled - I gagged at the texture, but I had to eat it. It took a decade of being married to a woman who loves eggs for me to learn that I actually like eggs prepared other ways. I still struggle with the urge to eat everything on my plate, regardless of how much I dislike it or how full I am.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?
A few, limited choices - like two or three things to choose from - were okay. If I had to choose a candy bar from dozens of possibilities, I was completely brain-locked, paralyzed with indecision.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?
Through games and books, fortunately an interest I shared with my father.

What was your favorite toy growing up?
Legos.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?
Therapy, patience, and a little more explicit instructions on how to life. My parents provided food, clothing, and shelter, and they got me through school. Everything else, I had to figure out on my own. There were a lot of things I was apparently supposed to know how to do, but didn't find out until I was criticized for not doing it right.

Now, raising my own children, I take every opportunity to show them how to do something new. I show my children how our family budget works, how to safely operate a table-saw, how to unclog the toilet, etc. Any time they want me to do something for them, I do it but I also make them stand by and watch while I show them how. I talk to them about their friends and social interactions. I almost never have to punish them, but I point out the negative and positive consequences of their decisions. My goal isn't to raise children - it's to raise adults. ... You sly dog you got me monologuing.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?
Keep going and don't give up. If what you're trying isn't working, don't be afraid to try something else. Don't be afraid to be wrong. Use every resource available to you, but drop them if they aren't helping. Therapy isn't for everyone, medication isn't for everyone - no child, ND or NT, is a cookie-cutter child, so don't expect the cookie-cutter approach to work. Get to know your child. Recognize that your child is in unknown territory just as much as you are - navigate it together. Celebrate small victories.

 

[Mr Allen]

When I were a lad, I had speech therapy and physiotherapy, speech because I used to speak with a lisp, couldn't pronounce my S's, and physio because I couldn't walk till I was about 3 or 4, and I still can't walk very well now.

 

[Gekko2508]

Did therapy help you at a young age?
I didn't have therapy, but a year-long course in social skills training, it has helped immensely!

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?
I wasn't a picky eater, quite the opposite! I would try anything new, and if someone tried to gross me out by saying it was something completely different, I'd want more! I do eat with weird habits, eating my food in a certain order, for example.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?
Nooo. Not at all. I preferred, and prefer, to be forced into a situation. When others make my decisions, I feel best. I still yearn to be a child again, solely to be bossed around by my parents. I hate the openness of the world.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?
Definitely not through hugs! We did things. We went for a walk, we went to make something, we went to play somewhere. We talked as we were doing such things, and through talk, connected. The best ways for my parents to get to me was through precise "orders".

What was your favorite toy growing up?
It sounds super cheesy to say, but my brain. I liked a stuffed toy crocodile, but I preferred my own head, constantly making things, learning things, wanting to know more...

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?
To teach me to do more chores. I've sucked at them and still do.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?
I am 22, and I will still ALWAYS praise my parents. We may not agree politically, but I love them still.

Maybe some additional information that is somewhat relevant to your papers; my mother found it nigh impossible to teach me to say "Thank you". That concept was so foreign to me. Also tying my shoes. I had velcro, afterall!

Good luck with your papers, I hope you can find enough information here!

 

[Ylva]

Did therapy help you at a young age?

No. My parents dragged me to therapy when I was nine or ten, and didn't let me not be therapized until I was twelve. They must have thought my autism symptoms (which they were finally allowing themselves to see) were due to their divorce (because you can allow yourself to see something when there's a legit reason for it). It may have helped them – it was two awful child psychologists, them, and me – but it just made it worse for me.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

I don't know. For some reason I've long been able to make myself eat stuff by disassociating/not "being there".

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

No. Given the things/options my parents/"teachers"/other adults could provide, there was rarely an obvious favourite, either because both were indifferent or because both were hateful. Whenever there was an obvious favourite the asker would ask if I was certain until I started doubting myself.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

I don't understand the question. I suppose by reading to me?

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Matilda and The Secret Garden.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

If I had a magic wand I'd make my divorced father and my hideous stepmother leave me alone. I wish my mother had homeschooled me from age nine or so. Maybe everyone should experience public school, but enough is enough.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

It really depends on what their specific problem is. If the parent is a reasonable person who is stressed out, I'd say something like, "it's not the end of the world, you know" or "I may not be like your child now, at thirty, but I was in some ways at their age" or even "for the love of God, stop touching her, stop talking to her, just stop overloading her when she is dealing with sensory overload".

But if the parent was the Allison Singer type, I'd advice them to turn themselves in to the police immediately, and turn all their children over to CPS.

 

[Shamar]

Did therapy help you at a young age?

N/A I started therapy around age 30 to deal with 20 years of suicidal thinking, and a VERY near attempt, most of it stemming from autism side effects. It took another 30 years and over a dozen psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists for someone to suggest autism.

Where you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Don't remember being a picky eater. Tended to alternate between poor eating (lack of interest in anything due to depression) and overeating (due to depression). Contradictory but reality.

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

Not sure I understand the question (or at least the specifics) I either built something with plastic bricks (an old American version of Legos), Built something with cardboard and masking tape, or took something apart to see how it worked. If I got bored with one thing I went to another.

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

I never really connected with either parent, although I remember a few (rare) good times with my father building models. My mother tended to out pollyanna Pollyanna ("You're always going around sad and depressed. Just cheer up and be happy" When I told her I was thinking of killing myself at age 9, "Oh, you don't really mean that. You're not old enough to have those kinds of problems." No actual help or support.)

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Cardboard from the back of paper pads and masking tape.

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

I would have parents.

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

If something is wrong then THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG!!! Don't pretend it will be all right eventually, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

Hope this helps. It was a bit cathartic for me.

 

[Nervous Rex]

My mother tended to out pollyanna Pollyanna ("You're always going around sad and depressed. Just cheer up and be happy" When I told her I was thinking of killing myself at age 9, "Oh, you don't really mean that. You're not old enough to have those kinds of problems." No actual help or support.)

Omigosh, I know what you mean. When I complained year after year about being picked on (I guess we say "bullied" nowadays. That word sounds weird to me), my stepmother would say "Oh, just ignore them", while never looking up from her Harlequin Romance book.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I just have to say, I find everyone's answers here absolutely fascinating.

Thank you to all of you.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Fries dipped in mustard!!! Still love it. Not a ketchup guy like 99% of everyone else???? : )

One more here. I also like to dip my fries in mustard. I don't hate ketchup - it just does nothing for me.

 

[tree]

One more here. I also like to dip my fries in mustard. I don't hate ketchup - it just does nothing for me.

wow
Did I ever read that wrong.
Replace "fries" with the word "toes."
Gives a whole different effect.

 

[Nervous Rex]

wow
Did I ever read that wrong.
Replace "fries" with the word "toes."
Gives a whole different effect.

Everyone knows that toes go with jam, not mustard.

Moses Supposed, by Anon
Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
But Moses supposes erroneously.
For nobody's toeses are posies of roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be.

In Extremis, by John Updike
I saw my toes the other day.
I hadn't looked at them for months.
Indeed, they might have passed away.
And yet they were my best friends once.
When I was small, I knew them well.
I counted on them up to ten
And put them in my mouth to tell
The larger from the lesser. Then
I loved them better than my ears,
My elbows, adenoids, and heart.
But with the swelling of the years
We drifted, toes and I, apart.
Now, gnarled and pale, each said, j'accuse!-
I hid them quickly in my shoes.

Further reading: Edward Lear, The Pobble Who Has No Toes

What does it say about me that I know of this many poems about toes?

 

[Isadoorian]

Did therapy help you at a young age?

Never had any


Were you a picky eater? If so what tricks did your parents use?

Yes, still am. They never really tried

Did it help more when you had options to choose between things?

A little, I never really chose much things, I honestly don't remember a whole lot from my childhood anymore

When you were young, how did your parent connect to you the best?

Never really tried much

What was your favorite toy growing up?

Had few toys growing up; though I did have Beyblades, Zip Zaps (RC Cars modelled after real world cars) and some Yugioh Cards and Pokemon stuff but then I discovered Video Games

If you could go back, what would you change about how your parents raised you?

Nothing that I can think of

And finally, what advice would you give to a parent of a toddler or a child below ten, to keep them going and not give up?

Not really one for giving advice, I'm terrible at it

 

[Suzanne]

Not a ketchup guy

I am not a ketchup girl! I love colour in general, but when it comes to food, that is rather a different thing and it makes me sick to see any sauce on a plate; in a container - fine; but not ketchup!

 

[ZebraAutismo]

Did therapy help you at a young age?
Speech therapy helped a lot and I thank if for the reason I was able to make friends and go to main a Main Stream secroundry help.

Did be given options help you?
Yes even now when I go to a new restaurant my Mum has to look through and the finds food I like and tell me what they are so i don’t get
overwhelmed.

Where you a picky eater?
Not particularly but food can’t/ couldn’t touch.

Favorites toy?
I loved dolls and teddies. Particularly by Baby born and my Build a Bear Katie

What advice would you give?
Medicine isn’t evil, anti anxiety meds can make your life so much better, Just because we can’t talk doesn’t mean we can’t understand and it will be done in their own time whatever the challenge is.

 

[ZebraAutismo]

Fries dipped in mustard!!! Still love it. Not a ketchup guy like 99% of everyone else???? : )

Ketchups disgusted I don’t eat it either.