What in the world does "you're so pretty, haven't you found someone" mean?

[All-Rounder]

What the heck has happened when the woman was saying this?

I feel like the woman was looking from above at me, like with a sense of achievement and superiority. It started with naming jobs I could attend to and we barely saw each other in years and we aren't close, we are friends of our friends, and the age difference is significant. I found the questions on why and what my life is extremely intrusive. I wonder if she knows falsities and rants about me from my narc mom.

I let her know I had many exes, and I felt like she was a poor lost soul in an abusive situation picking my life apart to try to find my lacks of success and address them when she is a lifetime woman of a physically abusive man and she has 2 grown kids, man which has developed very odd delusions about talking to unseen characters. And she isnt doing what she should but trying to fix my life? Sounds worse than I'd ever been, what the heck

I resisted teaming up in criticizing her new hairstyle with mom and aunt and comparing it with her old one, and this is what I get.

Her kids have kids of their own and still keep in touch with her. I recently previously talked to them and tried to hang out, one of them wanted to but hasn't communicated further. I saw the mom and daughter holding her own daughter in town before this interaction and I walked past thinking theyre haters and have issue with me, and then i turned around to get a sense of what they look like, and they were saying something like "oh its her" and then the other person said "leave her alone!"

 

[Judge]

How would I describe that?

"Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a pattern of passive hostility and an avoidance of direct communication. Inaction where some action is socially customary is a typical passive-aggressive strategy. Such behavior is sometimes protested by associates, evoking exasperation or confusion. People who are recipients of passive-aggressive behavior may experience anxiety due to the discordance between what they perceive and what the perpetrator is saying."

 

[jsilver256]

Usually these kind of backbiting comments happen when they're jealous in some way or feeling insecure.

 

[Aspychata]

I call it NT chatter, you can just laugh and agree, roll your eyes, and just ignore it.

 

[jsilver256]

"NT chatter" - saving that

 

[All-Rounder]

I call it NT chatter, you can just laugh and agree, roll your eyes, and just ignore it.

the other NTs I hanged around lately are really not "NTish" and their company was exquisite in comparison, and I felt really relaxed in my own skin with them

 

[Roisin]

Fake-closeness small-talk, a compliment and concern for your happiness to seem caring, in my experience, that sort of stuff usually precedes an information-gathering exercise.

 

[FilterFreq]

Usually these kind of backbiting comments happen when they're jealous in some way or feeling insecure.

I definitely agree with this. Anyone critiquing our lives without our explicit consent (or portraying our lives poorly in contrast to theirs) is likely projecting in some way.

People who are confident in their life choices tend to stay in their own lane, or live and let live.

 

[Au Naturel]

It means the person lacks tact.

It may also mean they see being single as a problem you need to fix, and they can help you fix it.

 

[All-Rounder]

It means the person lacks tact.

It may also mean they see being single as a problem you need to fix, and they can help you fix it.

Wow I have a wingwoman but it kind of disturbs me like what's the business with my sexy life, i feel like it would be kinda inappropriate

There is so much talk and explanation necessary, omg, it's tiring. And the lack of thinking ahead and planning in the chit chat is disturbing, like how about if I actually have a bf, or how about if I'm asexual and how about if I'm on a few year break after a toxic relationship. I would need a long time to tell her to not assume and what can be the case and a whole other length of time that it's best to mind her own business.

 

[Judge]

Wow I have a wingwoman but it kind of disturbs me like what's the business with my sexy life, i feel like it would be kinda inappropriate

Agreed. That's why I suspect it's more a projection of passive-aggressive behavior than anything else. She may only seek to momentarily slight you. Not to sincerely want to help you. Either way IMO it is inappropriate.

 

[Suzanne]

Usually it is shock that one is not in a relationship. That actually is a compliment. At the same time, a very sterotypical thing ie you can only be in a relationship if you are pretty. But, looks are not static; everyone has different tastes on what they find appealing to the eye and there are pletty of "not so pretty" ones who are married lol.

But, inititally, I would laugh and say: why thank you for being shocked that I am not in a relationship.

 

[All-Rounder]

My mom said (and since it's her I don't know if it's true but it sounds like it could be, either that or she's trying to cover up her own badmouth) that she overhead aunt talking about me that I'm 'the same old, without job' to describe how I'm doing when aunt's other friend was there, when mom walked into the yard as they keep the porch open. That sounds like it could be truth.

This other friend has been sensitive enough not to bring it up though, but I feel like the friend of aunt which actually said stuff to my face was way more direct and honest than everybody else, but also emotionally involved in it. It's all a whole big puzzle to solve.

If you describe your closest relatives this way that you see daily and you're supposed to know some things about them and understand progress outside of the career area, but you sound like "ah she's still an old failure" it's surprising not in a good way. I feel like I've been defined in a few foul words but it might just be bad chit chat to make it sound funny or ironic. Still don't like it.

And my aunt would be the one to talk, all her life her husband has been supporting her at work and at home and when he'd be exhausted and fall asleep on the couch she'd slap him awake literally and the poor thing would crawl to do her bidding, he never in his life said no to her and he is sick and barely standing on his own legs now and still pushes himself and she constantly yells and complains to him about what he does wrong.

So far the best thing I have done was wear a necklace with Autism on it and it seems to help people take another perspective, people don't look at me as much and they leave me more space, some idiots refuse to not be stupid but people are actually thinking, in general. And I have been reluctant to wear it with relatives even though me and mom have hinted to going to an autism centre together but maybe it helps more if she sees it on me tbh. But then again some fools can't be helped.

 

[All-Rounder]

Mom also said that the lady who commented has been born with neonatal encephalopathy

https://www.rileychildrens.org/health-info/neonatal-encephalopathy

 

[Mary Terry]

Wow I have a wingwoman but it kind of disturbs me like what's the business with my sexy life, i feel like it would be kinda inappropriate

There is so much talk and explanation necessary, omg, it's tiring. And the lack of thinking ahead and planning in the chit chat is disturbing, like how about if I actually have a bf, or how about if I'm asexual and how about if I'm on a few year break after a toxic relationship. I would need a long time to tell her to not assume and what can be the case and a whole other length of time that it's best to mind her own business.

If someone asked me something like that, I'd stare at them and ask why in the world are they asking me such a personal question. I know they are just making small talk with no ill intent, but sometimes you just need to respond in a way that reminds people to mind their own business.

 

[thejuice]

Extroverts can't imagine that someone can be content on their own. Controlling people usually lack control in their own lives..

 

[Judge]

I know they are just making small talk with no ill intent, but sometimes you just need to respond in a way that reminds people to mind their own business.

Point taken. However consider this from an autistic perspective, where many of us don't relate to the very concept of small talk, let alone be able to parse it in a real-time conversation.

Kind of like sarcasm, where in real-time some of us may walk away shaking our heads, feeling that we have just been insulted. Where perception indeed can amount to reality for us.

 

[AspieChris]

It’s known as a “Back-handed compliment”

It’s a compliment (You’re so pretty) used to camouflage an insult (why haven’t you found someone?)

It’s usually someone who is incredibly insecure and shallow, trying to elevate themselves by pushing you down.

The direct translation into plain English sounds more like this:
“I’m jealous of you be because you’re prettier than me, so I’m going to pretend to be your friend and give you a fake-as-hell compliment. That way I can call you a complete sad loser to your face and pretend that we are friends. Hopefully I’ll be able to make you cry and that will make me feel awesome!”

 

[thejuice]

It could definitely be that @AspieChris it also could be she's genuinely confused that someone is independent and doesn't need anyone and made a thoughtless remark.

 

[All-Rounder]

It’s known as a “Back-handed compliment”

It’s a compliment (You’re so pretty) used to camouflage an insult (why haven’t you found someone?)

It’s usually someone who is incredibly insecure and shallow, trying to elevate themselves by pushing you down.

The direct translation into plain English sounds more like this:
“I’m jealous of you be because you’re prettier than me, so I’m going to pretend to be your friend and give you a fake-as-hell compliment. That way I can call you a complete sad loser to your face and pretend that we are friends. Hopefully I’ll be able to make you cry and that will make me feel awesome!”

Sad but true, the mental state of people as reflected in their actions is lame.