What is friendship?

[Fridgemagnetman]

I definitely agree on the fact that things tend to be easier in a bigger city; sure, you might not be in contact with people as easily, but for someone a bit different, the larger number of people tends to dilute the changes of gossip, which, as someone aptly mentioned above, creates social bond. Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about moving to a quieter, smaller town when I'm older... and then I remember I would be the talk of the (small) town if I did.

Anyways, back to the central topic:
I've never had difficulties making BUDDIES, as in if I identify someone who has something in common, and I feel that interest or characteristic is strong enough to start a conversation, I will have no problem going to them. So I could very well initiate a conversation on the subway over an item that reminds me of a special intetest... meanwhile, I could be working for weeks in the same place as someone else and never utter more than the conventional greetings if I don't feel this thing in common, simply because it wouldn't even cross my mind.
I'm not as good at making friends, and I'm terrible at keeping them. It's like I know the theories of friend maintenance, but I'm somehow at a loss when it comes to apply that knowledge in a practical manner. The fact that I also need long periods away doesn't help, either.

Another thing I've observed over the years:
I've never had a best friend. I don't even know why people feel the need to rank them, is there a friend competition somewhere? But friendship in the outside world seems like I'm making the current friend a special interest, and then that friend is the only friend I will hang out with. My boyfriend used to joke that for 6 months to 2 years, he'll hear the same name all of the freaking time, and then suddenly poof! No further mention of the person, ever. Come to think of it, this almost looks like what most people would do with a romantic partner, except there's no romantic interest involved in my case. I can tell from observation that this is not how most people go about friendship, but I'm not good at balancing the expectations and presence needs of various people at the same time. And when I do make friends, or at least people who are more than buddies, they tend to be such different people to one another that I can't have them in the same room (I've tried once. This is how I found out that one was severely homophobic, which I had never had any reason to suspect, but apparently meeting a tattooed lesbian was a bit much for him, and as I was realizing that we were on the verge of a disaster, another friend arrived dressed as a cat. No, it was not a costume party. I'm telling you, the people I mingle with are too different, they all need their one-on-one time).

That last bit is the opening scene to your sitcom
How brilliant.

 

[OkRad]

I definitely agree on the fact that things tend to be easier in a bigger city; sure, you might not be in contact with people as easily, but for someone a bit different, the larger number of people tends to dilute the changes of gossip, which, as someone aptly mentioned above, creates social bond. Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about moving to a quieter, smaller town when I'm older... and then I remember I would be the talk of the (small) town if I did.

Anyways, back to the central topic:
I've never had difficulties making BUDDIES, as in if I identify someone who has something in common, and I feel that interest or characteristic is strong enough to start a conversation, I will have no problem going to them. So I could very well initiate a conversation on the subway over an item that reminds me of a special intetest... meanwhile, I could be working for weeks in the same place as someone else and never utter more than the conventional greetings if I don't feel this thing in common, simply because it wouldn't even cross my mind.
I'm not as good at making friends, and I'm terrible at keeping them. It's like I know the theories of friend maintenance, but I'm somehow at a loss when it comes to apply that knowledge in a practical manner. The fact that I also need long periods away doesn't help, either.

Another thing I've observed over the years:
I've never had a best friend. I don't even know why people feel the need to rank them, is there a friend competition somewhere? But friendship in the outside world seems like I'm making the current friend a special interest, and then that friend is the only friend I will hang out with. My boyfriend used to joke that for 6 months to 2 years, he'll hear the same name all of the freaking time, and then suddenly poof! No further mention of the person, ever. Come to think of it, this almost looks like what most people would do with a romantic partner, except there's no romantic interest involved in my case. I can tell from observation that this is not how most people go about friendship, but I'm not good at balancing the expectations and presence needs of various people at the same time. And when I do make friends, or at least people who are more than buddies, they tend to be such different people to one another that I can't have them in the same room (I've tried once. This is how I found out that one was severely homophobic, which I had never had any reason to suspect, but apparently meeting a tattooed lesbian was a bit much for him, and as I was realizing that we were on the verge of a disaster, another friend arrived dressed as a cat. No, it was not a costume party. I'm telling you, the people I mingle with are too different, they all need their one-on-one time).

I really liked how you said you will have that person in your mind and the poof! I do that, too, but for me, it's very much like a 9 year old. I am in glee! I have a Friend! Mommy, I made a friend! I am still prepubescent in much of my emotional landscape, too innocent, not getting it. Anyway. it takes time for me to REALIZE they are not on the same page. They are 35 or 40 or 45 years old. They don't have the same set of intense close emotions that I do.

It sideswipes me EVERY SINGLE Fing TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY TIME. BEcause it is who I am , I cannot always and forever be living outside my head and emotions anymore than anyone else can, but I NEED to because I am not like others my age.

My best met is to stay back and not make friends and I have done a good job of that finally, as of late. I am still nice, but don't let people in and no one really wants to get in. Everyone is on FB and that is where their emotional outlet lies. In many ways, I like who I am better. I am a very very very deep friend once I connect. I am not on FB.

 

[Katleya]

That last bit is the opening scene to your sitcom
How brilliant.

I left out the part when yet another of the friends thought this chaos was the perfect time for a proper coming out.
Aah, birthday dinners. We ended up hitting the bar after that crazy evening.

I really liked how you said you will have that person in your mind and the poof! I do that, too, but for me, it's very much like a 9 year old. I am in glee! I have a Friend! Mommy, I made a friend! I am still prepubescent in much of my emotional landscape, too innocent, not getting it. Anyway. it takes time for me to REALIZE they are not on the same page. They are 35 or 40 or 45 years old. They don't have the same set of intense close emotions that I do.

It sideswipes me EVERY SINGLE Fing TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY TIME. BEcause it is who I am , I cannot always and forever be living outside my head and emotions anymore than anyone else can, but I NEED to because I am not like others my age.

My best met is to stay back and not make friends and I have done a good job of that finally, as of late. I am still nice, but don't let people in and no one really wants to get in. Everyone is on FB and that is where their emotional outlet lies. In many ways, I like who I am better. I am a very very very deep friend once I connect. I am not on FB.

I relate so much to the child-like enthusiasm! (Including to the mommy part, because chances are I will be texting my mother to let her know that I made a friend)

Does anyone else ever get friendship crushes? Where you meet someone and you really, really, really want to become friends with them, much like other people meet someone and really want to become involved with them (except, you're not physically attracted, otherwise it would be a plain old crush, not a friendship crush)?

 

[Mia]

Does anyone else ever get friendship crushes? Where you meet someone and you really, really, really want to become friends with them, much like other people meet someone and really want to become involved with them (except, you're not physically attracted, otherwise it would be a plain old crush, not a friendship crush)?

It has happened with someone who was my boss. Female, older, intelligent, she was a programmer at a company I worked for. She didn't like me very much. Which I pretended not to notice. She had a circle of female friends, all of whom I knew and got along with well, outside of her circle. We had similar interests, in certain books and poetry, computers, gaming, although she liked fifties poets and music much more than anything else. Think I may have been too 'hyper' and nervous around her.

Wanting her to like me, at the time, took the form of 'doing' things for her. Looking after her pets, lending her money, eventually she continued after I moved away, to write emails requesting financial help. Which I acceded to for awhile, then I stopped answering her emails.
Her reasons for disliking me, I eventually discovered were that her boyfriend at the time, who she was helping to put through school used to write fictional stories, which she discovered while hacking his laptop. In them I figured prominently, as the woman who fell in love with him, and left my husband. Although I didn't like her boyfriend, I was polite to him. Somehow that made me the 'bad' person, even though I had no inkling of his fantasy life at the time. When I discovered this much later, it made me angry at being so misunderstood. Somehow I was the person at fault for this, without even being aware of it.

 

[OlLiE]

friends aren't that complicated, but then again i'm in my forties so i've had time to think about it:
- number of friends is not a benchmark for happiness
- friends accept each other for who they are, you should never need to put on an act for a true friend
- friends are not a tik the box exercise, the interest has to be mutual, if you are just looking for an audience, well that's what a forum is for
- the number of friends is in no way related to depth or quality of friendships
- society may project that you need to have as many friends as possible to be part of the 'in crowd', utter nonsense, 1 friend, many friends, no friends - there is no right or wrong - it's your life, it's up to you to live it in a way that makes you happy

 

[PurityOfChaos]

Fitzo I could have written most of your post. I have recently discovered I fit for Asperger Syndrome. I have always struggled to fit in with other women and found it easier to talk to men because of the most part they aren't faking the way women do. My husband is my best friend, I am also close with my daughters, they are my trusted friends. I have long since stopped trying to make friends, instead I just try to be nice to people.

I have decided to stop caring what other people think. I have started doing things I was consciously stopping, like swinging my arms when walking, fidgeting (which I have recently learnt is stimming). I have spend 50 years trying to be someone else, time to be me.

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

I have only ever had very few in my inner circle. That have truly seen ME. And even that has dissolved. And I don't know why, they just simply put an end to our friendship...two people who I have had the deepest connection to ever in my life, that I can recall have just vanished. Seemingly I guess. It's been a tremendously difficult period of my life. I am extremely weary of making anything beyond an arms length aquaintance level relationship. I long for what I had before...but I fear that this was a once and a life time thing.

I apologize for the candor. This is a sensitive subject for me but this thread has been encouraging.

 

[Flinty]

Does anyone else ever get friendship crushes? Where you meet someone and you really, really, really want to become friends with them, much like other people meet someone and really want to become involved with them (except, you're not physically attracted, otherwise it would be a plain old crush, not a friendship crush)?

This is a weird thing I have with women. Often I will want to be in some kind of a relationship where there is love, but not lust. Sometimes the reverse is true. I don't really know what to call it, and I don't know where I've experienced both with the same woman.

 

[Ambi]

I am a terrible "friend", and I don't usually want to make friends. I truly appreciate the few friends I have, but not enough - they have been invaluable to me, but I haven't learned to value friendship enough on their terms, in terms of what it means to them. But they still like me...but I hope to learn to appreciate friendship more. I think that I will, as I first learn to understand and appreciate myself more.

 

[Chance]

Thanks everyone for your input and advice.
I think I am getting better at not caring what others think as I get older, but I have had a lifetime of working at trying to fit in. I also think social interaction is different for girls than boys. I grew up in a city, but now live in a small town. It's much easier to be anonymous when you live in a city. In a small town everyone does know your business and lots of them also know each other. So if you're perceived to be 'different' everyone knows about it. It's a blessing and a curse. I think how I feel will change over time and that may or may not become easier if and when I get a diagnosis.
I do think I am starting to be kinder to myself now that I recognise the reasons for things I never understood before.

I live in both worlds, I am very rural raised and people are so nosey its not even describable (it makes me very upset sometimes)... Gossip and out right lies about people, seem to be the only topics of discussion most often, so most often I say nothing... Yet the quality of life is great. Its a simple life as long as you stay to yourself. Otherwise you get mixed up in a chaos that never ends. I don't fit in their toxic circle and don't want too.

But like you said, in the city we are anonymous... I love the country life (minus the people) I love the city life (minus the noise and crowds)... So I guess I need 10,000 acres in the midst of a city somewhere to blend this impossible world view I have...

I think that is why I like San Diego so much... The land scape is not so crowded and filled with mostly friendly people who aren't into getting into peoples lives so much. If I need space I have a whole ocean to set sail on, preferably with a friend, but if not thats okay also.

I just wish I felt as safe there as I do at home. Here we don't lock our houses. My new truck is in the garage with the doors up and the keys are in the ignition. We have zero crime basically and thats hard to give up. People are nosey and they gossip, but they watch out for you also, even if they don't really like you.

I guess I just need a world where people are honest and not out to take from others... in that friends become more like family. We lost that some where along the way and that is part of this huge hole in me that never understands this reality. It sucks to just feel lost most the time... I guess that is why we seek out a friend maybe someone as lost as we are, so we can at least be lost together.

 

[Gracey]

I would gladly move the earth three inches to the left for a friend or someone I cared about but I'm hopeless at organising and remembering the ritual stuff.


I think I'm so used to not having a specific friend and have found many and varied ways to occupy my mind and time that I really don't mind not having some sort of social circle.

I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I suddenly found a friend in real time

Personally I like to drift and wander. If I connect with a like-mind along the way it's an enhancing experience that I'm not likely to forget and will often change me in some way. I am grateful for those moments but also know nothing lasts forever and so don't expect it to.
I will just keep on drifting forwards regardless.

 

[Illkurok]

I've honestly always wondered this, especially with how hard it has been in my life to keep friends around.

Is a friend truly someone that takes you entirely as you are and is content with you, or are they someone you share every interest with?

In my experience, just because I have something in common with someone, that doesn't mean that the friendship will work. At the same time though, however, if I have nothing in common with the person, it's not worth a friendship to me either because I cannot relate to anything they enjoy.

I realize I might be overthinking this concept, but it has always been something I've struggled with. I'm usually very careful of accepting people into that role too quickly, but at the same time, sometimes I think I take too long and it drives people away.

If someone takes the time to go out of their way to talk to me, I have no problem doing the same, but when I have to go out and make the effort myself, it turns into an almost impossible task, even in an online setting.

 

[Wolfnox]

Its a good question. I think you have the right idea about friends accepting you wholesale and having something in common.

 

[luna88]

"I am just not interested in the trivial nonsense that a lot of people seem to find important."- YES

I can relate to your story. Sometimes I wonder, do I dislike people or just this annoying social game everyone is playing? The confusing illogical rules and perplexing things people say with layers of meaning can be infuriating. This leaves me feeling irritated and exasperated with most people and disinterested in interacting but at the same time I'm fascinated by the mind and how people think so I enjoy listening to people talk about their interests, and learning from them.

Also, don't worry about what people will think if you go to an event by yourself. I take myself on what I like to call "artist dates" regularly as fuel for creativity. I'll go solo to events or public places where most people are with a group or a date. I take in everything through my senses and sit far away to just observe everything. I felt really uncomfortable and weird at first doing things solo, but realized no one seemed to notice or care that I was by myself because they are too focused on themselves and the people they are with. Also, I loved the feeling of freedom and being able to do whatever I wanted whenever, not having to worry about the pressure/stress of maintaining a social mask so I could fully enjoy the event. I decided to never let the pressure of feeling like I needed to go with someone prevent me from living a full life and holding me back from doing the things I really wanted to do. Also you know what I found?? There were always other people there by themselves too! And I've had so many interesting experiences that expanded my life and enjoyment from doing this. It's worth it!

As some of you will know I have only recently stumbled across Aspergers, but I'm pretty certain I fit on the spectrum.

Since making this discovery I have been focused on very little else. Naturally this means I have been going back over my life and looking at things in a very different light and trying to get a better understanding.

I have never made friends easily and now have very few people I would call friends.
There have certainly been people who have just drifted away from me for reasons I have never really understood and others I have chosen to walk away from for very good reasons.
However many if not most of them I just haven't been able to muster sufficient energy to pursue. I was always really bad at keeping up with friends when I was in a romantic relationship. I really only wanted that one person, which needless to say created problems for them! When it inevitably didn't work out, I was always completely alone again as I had pretty much burned everyone else. So I had to set about trying to make new friends again.

I have realised that one of the reasons I don't make friends easily is I don't really like people much. I am just not interested in the trivial nonsense that a lot of people seem to find important. Therefore my pool of potential friends is severely restricted. If I do find someone I really connect with, it's a momentous occasion. I tend to make better friendships with men rather than women. However, that is also a potential minefield as from my observations, men are rarely interested in a platonic relationship with a woman. Once I realise they are interested in more than friendship I run a mile. Not that I'm not attracted to men, but it's even more rare to find a man I actually want to be in a relationship with. In the rare event I do fall for someone, I immediately start to go into major panic around what will happen when they see the 'real' me. This in itself guarantees it won't work out. It's hopeless! And of course when it does end I go into major meltdown for a long time. It seems to take forever to get my equilibrium back.

So apart from all that, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of the time, I'm trying to make friends to make other people happy. I mean people expect you to have friends. And if you don't, well you must be weird! Which is itself a reason to avoid you! The thing is though.... I'm usually pretty happy to be on my own! Occasionally there are things I want to do which you kind of need someone to go with, but now I'm wondering if that's really true? Is it that I need someone to go with....or......am I just worried that people will think I'm weird if I go on my own?

Is it just time I stop worrying about what people think and just do what I want to do?

Any thoughts, experiences and opinions gratefully received.