Ok so no one's mentioned Attachment processes yet, so Im gonna. I ve talked about this on other threads, so here I ll just say, ability to make secure attachments is something we learn as we grow up, and in adulthood too, with a significant initial amount of that learning being at a very early stage like around first year of life.
Research tells us that some of us learn to make secure attachments at that early stage, whereas others become somewhat insecure, depending on how it is in our family of origin and how our parents or carers are with us. This applies to people with autism aswell as neurotypical people.
The attachment system is developmental, hurrah! Because that means, if we had a difficult childhood, we can still work on our insecurity in later life in relationships and in therapy, to become more secure.
This could be seen as the basic building bricks of our ability to feel secure and build loving relationships, with romantic love as a subsequent add on. I think deficits in this area can be what makes a romantic relationship hard to maintain, along with other issues. Probably the most important element in this equation is our ability to tolerate some relational distress and offer tolerance to others when they can't always do so.
Being secure means we can weather the difficulties and see past the immediate argument or disappointing behaviours to our own and the other persons true worth , and understand to an extent our mutual dilemmas. It's something many of us will sometimes wobble on even if we have mostly achieved it.
Relationships with at least one person in who is somewhat secure can often do ok. Two insecure people will struggle, and likely need outside support, but if it's available and useable by them, it can help and moving towards greater security in relating can happen for them.
As one might predict, my insecurity may likely lead me to select or be selected by, another person with an insecure attachment style. (Or sometimes, a narcissist or other person who may be controlling or coercive). At least a third of us start off insecure in our relating, so difficulties that can be worked on through achieving greater individual security in developmental therapy and relating, can lead us to happier relationships. That's certainly what happened for me, over the years.
I think (undiagnosed) autism was a factor too, which once understood, helped me progress, and the fact that I pursued a career in care work and care education, did plenty of personal therapy, and latterly, trained and worked as a relationship therapist, gave me a wealth of relevant experience and knowledge to understand, and crucially to function more securely, in relating.
But it was a long way round, which more information and understanding of the issues would have shortened. Still, I got there eventually...
Research tells us that some of us learn to make secure attachments at that early stage, whereas others become somewhat insecure, depending on how it is in our family of origin and how our parents or carers are with us. This applies to people with autism aswell as neurotypical people.
The attachment system is developmental, hurrah! Because that means, if we had a difficult childhood, we can still work on our insecurity in later life in relationships and in therapy, to become more secure.
This could be seen as the basic building bricks of our ability to feel secure and build loving relationships, with romantic love as a subsequent add on. I think deficits in this area can be what makes a romantic relationship hard to maintain, along with other issues. Probably the most important element in this equation is our ability to tolerate some relational distress and offer tolerance to others when they can't always do so.
Being secure means we can weather the difficulties and see past the immediate argument or disappointing behaviours to our own and the other persons true worth , and understand to an extent our mutual dilemmas. It's something many of us will sometimes wobble on even if we have mostly achieved it.
Relationships with at least one person in who is somewhat secure can often do ok. Two insecure people will struggle, and likely need outside support, but if it's available and useable by them, it can help and moving towards greater security in relating can happen for them.
As one might predict, my insecurity may likely lead me to select or be selected by, another person with an insecure attachment style. (Or sometimes, a narcissist or other person who may be controlling or coercive). At least a third of us start off insecure in our relating, so difficulties that can be worked on through achieving greater individual security in developmental therapy and relating, can lead us to happier relationships. That's certainly what happened for me, over the years.
I think (undiagnosed) autism was a factor too, which once understood, helped me progress, and the fact that I pursued a career in care work and care education, did plenty of personal therapy, and latterly, trained and worked as a relationship therapist, gave me a wealth of relevant experience and knowledge to understand, and crucially to function more securely, in relating.
But it was a long way round, which more information and understanding of the issues would have shortened. Still, I got there eventually...
.
