what is parenting like with ASD?

[Lydia Z]

For those who are parents, How has it been? I was depressed after both my children were born and I stayed home more. My Autistics traits became more noticeable. I felt like i was loosing control of my life. I was easily irritated and watched the babies like a hawk. I was constantly worried something will happen when i'm not looking, specially the first year. Now that they are a little older it has become easier but it was very though for me. Let's here your experience.

 

[Lydia Z]

My son who is super smart is on the spectrum while my daughter has speech delay and I'm taking her for an assessment to determine if she is on the spectrum too.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I worry a lot about whether my difficulty in forming attachments will affect my children, so I put in place a lot of routines and habits to make sure I am connecting with them. Some examples:

• I interview them every week, asking a few check-up questions and giving them time to talk about whatever they want. When I started doing it, I thought it was going to be super awkward. Instead, they loved it and if I forget, they remind me that it's time for interviews.
• I read to them when I can. I have read dozens of books to my children. They like that, too, although there have been a few books that fell flat and we didn't finish. For example, I guess they're sense of humor isn't as twisted as mine - we had to give up Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy after three chapters.
• I try to offer compliments as often as I can and only criticize when necessary. That's hit-and-miss, and sometimes when I criticize, my children take it too personally. That always leaves me wondering if they're being too sensitive, or if I did it wrong.

I don't deal very well with them (with anything!) when I've overtired. So, sometimes I have to take a break and "recalibrate" before I start yelling. And sometimes I have to apologize.

Helping my children through their meltdowns has helped me better recognize and deal with my own meltdowns.

 

[Gracey]

I can identify with that worry you mention Lydia

I can also identify with some of the post natal depression you mention too.

I had my husband around to help out when needed.

Getting those routines up and running in the first year, particularly with the first child, I felt helped with keeping everything manageable and having the experience to feel more confident with subsequent children.

If I felt flustered or close to getting overwhelmed, I knew I could have all of the peace and quiet I needed after they’d gone to bed.

An upset or poorly child can emit a lot of noise
I used to focus on solving the problem.

Collecting all of the facts and data and by process of elimination work out what could possibly be the matter and how best to fix it.
(It stopped me focusing on the noise)

I too watched mine like a hawk,
Initially for fear of anything happening to them (I could prevent or be on hand to rectify any issues or problems)

After a while I became more interested in their development and how they learned rather than worry about them dying ‘on my watch’, so to speak.
Watching them like a hawk turned into enjoying observing developments.

It became an interest for me


If ever I felt irritable, close to losing it, I’d strap them into their pram and go outside, marching off up the street quickly.
Rain or shine, day or night.
The motion of the pram, speed walking or change of scenery would help calm me. (And them)

 

[HelzBelz]

I hear you. I'm Aspie and have five kids. I'm aware that one of my traits is to become obsessive over a topic, so if I think a child is sick I'll not be able to focus on anything else. If I am concerned about development or how much I need to do for them, it could become consuming. There were so many times I felt totally out of control and thought I was losing my mind. There were times I just couldn't leave the house, and times I just couldn't stay home (and went to different playgroups five days a week). Some evenings when kids were grumpy and I wasn't coping I would take them for a walk around the block, even if they were in pjs.
I was offered a community worker to pop in once a week and worried she might judge me, but I found someone in a professional capacity being able to tell me I'm doing ok was reassuring.
Those early years are so super hard. And very consuming. Each age and stage has different challenges and I've had to get outside advice off and on for the last 20 years. And places to go. And the occasional good friend I could stop in with on tough days.
I've now got a 20 year old son who is assistant manager at an electronics store, and I'm so proud of the young man he is. And an 18 year old who is flying to Australia tomorrow (overcoming her major anxieties) to visit her best friend before she starts a new job. A 16 year old who has overcome abuse, anorexia, cutting and attempted suicide to push on towards becoming a vet - and is now tutoring adult students who struggle with maths and science. A 13 year old bumbly pain in the butt who is still cute but hopes to join the air force, which is 10 minutes up the road. Gives him the security of home. And a 10 year old who thinks she is going to be a famous youtube star and was going to be rich and famous.
I know these days are hard. And it's hard not to become consumed with something. Try and touch base with people who can be honest with you about how you're coping. Some outside perspective can be reassuring. Four of my kids are Aspies and seem to be turning out ok. I guess I must've not screwed up too bad then!

 

[DCA]

I have 2 kids both NT. I sometimes quiz them to see if they have any autistic traits. My biggest concern however is that there are times I need alone time & they don't fully understand. So I end up snapping at them. They are aware of how I am but at the same time they're kids. Both are very social as well so sometimes its stressful for me. I'm also a single parent on top of that (their mother is next to useless). So there are a few challenges there.

But at the same time I leverage my analytical, logical side when dealing with issues that come up, so in some areas I feel I might have an advantage. Raising any child is a challenge.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

For those who are parents, How has it been? I was depressed after both my children were born and I stayed home more. My Autistics traits became more noticeable. I felt like i was loosing control of my life. I was easily irritated and watched the babies like a hawk. I was constantly worried something will happen when i'm not looking, specially the first year. Now that they are a little older it has become easier but it was very though for me. Let's here your experience.

For those who are parents, How has it been? I was depressed after both my children were born and I stayed home more. My Autistics traits became more noticeable. I felt like i was loosing control of my life. I was easily irritated and watched the babies like a hawk. I was constantly worried something will happen when i'm not looking, specially the first year. Now that they are a little older it has become easier but it was very though for me. Let's here your experience.

Hi Lydia, my little girl (now 10) was diagnosed aged 5. I love her to bits and wouldn't have her any other way and we have a lovely father/daughter relationship. However I do find that we clash alot and to my great shame, sometimes I just need my own space as she wants constant attention and asks me the same questions over and over and over and over again when I just get back from work. Being an Aspie myself I struggle with this. Sometimes I might have had a s#*t day at work, been held up, stuck in traffic or had extra unexpected changes to my day (I recently posted about this topic) as I'm a Trucker. I feel really guilty sometimes that I'm in some way not giving my daughter the time and attention that she craves of me
I'm similar to you in that we are very overprotective of her, I think that may be down to her only having vision in one eye aswell which makes her all that more precious. When she does sports etc in school we are always telling the teachers to be extra careful with her or if she goes on a school trip we are on pins all day until she gets back on the coach.

 

[jolilabrat]

Both of my kids are NT and grown. They are now 27 and 30 years old. They are also very sociable. Unfortunately, I have learned the mistakes I have made from talking with them now that they are adults. They open up to me more than they did when they were growing up. I have Asperger's so I am not very nurturing. That seemed to affect them as they were growing up. I tried to fake it as they were growing up but kids are too smart to be fooled. I'm a terrible liar. Either they didn't open up to me about it when they were younger or they did and I just didn't understand what they were trying to tell me. Also I was not very sociable with their friends' parents and involved with stuff like the PTA at school. I think that had an affect on them as well. Their friends' parents would throw barbecues and different weekend parties sometimes and I would always beg off. I was not diagnosed with Asperger's until they were older so I was not aware of how much my actions or lack of actions would affect them as they were growing up. If I could go back in time, with all the knowledge I have now about being a parent and having Asperger's, I would definitely try to do a better job and be more aware of myself and my actions and my lack of actions. Kids are very smart and they notice everything. My daughter grew up thinking that I was just a jerk sometimes and hated people. That was shocking to me. For both of them being aware of my condition it has helped immensely in our relationships now. They understand me better. They understand that I couldn't help who I was back then, especially since I was not diagnosed and didn't know what was wrong with me. I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time. They know this now. I now realize how difficult it was for me raising 2 kids as a single mom with Asperger's. I'm surprised my kids turned out as well as they did.

 

[Mint]

I started off really bad. I had twins and I was 20, stupid, and had no idea I was an Aspie. They spent a lot of time crying and so did I. I had no idea what I was doing, what to do to make them stop, and though family tried to help, it was not helpful. I was miserable and so were they. I didn't know what to do with them for quite some time. I knew the basics...feed, clothe, bathe, and attention. They were very hard to keep up with. By the time I had my second and third pregnancies, I'd gained some feeling toward them and it wasn't completely rote. I connected to the other two a lot faster.

My twins (27) are Aspies, my 21 yr old son has other issues, and my 19 yr old has traits. We struggled as we grew--I mean, all four of them AND me. Parenting was an ongoing battle. After I had the twins, I started having some sort of meltdowns. The rage was insane. It took me about five years to realize when it was coming on and how to deal with it--send the kids to their rooms or with someone until it passed. They eventually became less frequent but they were terrible to go through and scary.

With the kids, we've always been honest about things with each other. After we all got diagnosed with whatever ailed us, I studied and read but there is nothing more difficult than raising a family with issues when you have to tackle your own at the same time. Three of the boys were very sociable but awkward and inappropriate most of the time so, we didn't go out very often to do anything when they were going up. I didn't meet parents, they didn't go to birthday parties or events, and I got more trouble from school and other parents than I did my kids when I said no. They scared me to death.

I have had a lot of guilt over the years for things they missed out on, for the things I didn't understand, and for passing on my issues. Although they are not all in a good place right now, they seem to all still love me, talk to me, and forgive me for my shortcomings. I supposed I wasn't a complete failure and that will have to be good enough.

 

[WittyAspie]

One word: overwhelming

 

[Lydia Z]

I have 2 kids both NT. I sometimes quiz them to see if they have any autistic traits. My biggest concern however is that there are times I need alone time & they don't fully understand. So I end up snapping at them. They are aware of how I am but at the same time they're kids. Both are very social as well so sometimes its stressful for me. I'm also a single parent on top of that (their mother is next to useless). So there are a few challenges there.

But at the same time I leverage my analytical, logical side when dealing with issues that come up, so in some areas I feel I might have an advantage. Raising any child is a challenge.

I can relate a lot. I snap a lot for one reason or another. I also have issues with being constantly touched by my little girl. I just don't like all the unexpected touching and i feel bad afterwards about it. Both of my kids are very affectionate and i'm the total opposite. My son somewhat understands that I'm not a feely touchy person but my daughter is not there yet. I tell them to go hug daddy.

 

[Gracey]

I can relate a lot. I snap a lot for one reason or another. I also have issues with being constantly touched by my little girl. I just don't like all the unexpected touching and i feel bad afterwards about it. Both of my kids are very affectionate and i'm the total opposite. My son somewhat understands that I'm not a feely touchy person but my daughter is not there yet. I tell them to go hug daddy.

I found if I thought to myself ‘this will last two seconds at most” when hugging.
I knew there was an end to it.
I wasn’t particularly comfortable with it and had to remind myself it was doing more for them than for me.

I made little soft toys they could hug.

They noticed me making them and perhaps because I had made it and gave it to them somehow they connected it with hugging me?
(Can’t say for sure?)

I like the hug dad idea
Something along the lines of “aww, dad’s feeling left out, he needs a hug too”