What is the social protocol for this?

[garnetflower13]

This is something that I have observed while shopping with my husband at the supermarket. First of all, he is very tall; 6 feet two inches. There have been a few instances of some strange woman asking him to reach for something on a high shelf that they cannot reach. While I don't mind this, I do feel weird when they ignore me while making this request. Like the first time it happened, this woman asked my husband for assistance. IMO, she might have made a joke or something, like may I borrow your husband for a minute? ( I have seen this done elsewhere.) But they make direct eye contact with him and don't even pay attention to the fact that he is with me. The second time, my husband looked at me and pretended to need my permission first, so I nodded agreement. We did this to see if the woman would at least acknowledge that she had just interrupted our shopping in order to ask for personal assistance, but she only smiled and thanked him and ignored me. I may be Aspie, but this strikes me as rude behavior. And of course I may be missing all sorts of non verbal cues! :unsure: I would love to hear how others view this.

 

[ifightdragons]

I definitely get why this would make you feel uncertain and uncomfortable. I wouldn't pay too much mind to it anyway. These women are probably very stressed out, out shopping for their family, and would just like to get what's out of reach as quickly as possible and get home.

And if not that, maybe your husband is just so damn ruggedly handsome that women forget themselves around him and act accordingly. And in that case, I'd say you must be pretty special yourself to have bagged someone with such striking charisma!

 

[Ylva]

The sight of an attractive man can turn otherwise nice women into total bitches. It may be in our genes, but it's still a choice. The only reason I can relate is that I do tend to ignore people I don't consider relevant… However, even I know the difference between a person and a project.

Ask him to say no the next time, see what happens.

 

[Soup]

It seems like a number of things are happening here. Since the woman needing help is asking him to simply retrieve an item from a shelf, hardly a flirtatious gesture in this context (unless the woman is clearly tall enough to reach it easily herself or she behaves clearly flirtatiously). Since he is the one they're asking, they may just assume it is okay to ask him, say 'thanks' & get the rest of the shopping over with.

If you are like many Aspies & you have a blank expression & an Aspie stare (or are avoiding any eye-contact) they may be misreading you & thinking that it would be best to not say anything to you.

Is there any possibility that you are a leeeeeeeeeeetle but jealous? I understand that you feel unacknowledged, but in such a context where there is so little communication and no prolonged social implications whatsoever, what would you like this acknowledgement to look like? I cannot say i there are any social protocols for this situation & if there are any, they may vary between cultures: so, I'd hate to say the wrong thing about the 'correct' Emily Post proper way to handle this kind of interaction.

One thing I would not do is light into the next woman who may be completely innocent & only wants a can of soup that was placed out of her reach & had no intention of flirting with your guy or offending you. Another thing: sometimes women can become very mean to another woman IF they think that said woman is more attractive or as attractive as they are. Do you find yourself feeling more annoyed when the woman making the request is attractive? If a little old lady asks him to do the same thing & doesn't acknowledge you, are you annoyed at her too? If the woman is a mother with her small child in tow, how do you feel? IF you discover that you are only annoyed when the woman appears single and is attractive, then you know for sure that the problem is not the lack of social graces some people have, but jealousy (and/or insecurity) on your part.

I'm not saying that this is the case: I don't know you. I'm just suggesting a way you may clarify exactly how you feel, when you feel it, what the 'real' trigger is & then figure out how to manage those feelings constructively.

 

[Ereth]

You may be reading too much into this. I think the people asking for your husband's help look at him, see a way to get assistance with reaching a high shelf, and want to waste no time in seeking him out. It might be a little forward of them to solicit him alone, but you and your husband seem to have to handled these situations in the best possible way.

 

[Ylva]

Provided your husband is NT, he'd probably know what was being communicated nonverbally.

 

[Sparticus]

During a Speed Dating special on TV a few years ago, female Scientists discovered women preferred taller men & overlooked slight imperfections on their part per being a potiential mate. Taller men were seen as more desirable by women even over shorter men who offered more as a potential partner.

It's an unconscious thing...Mothernature programmed us to be a certain way. Go with your gut...if you can, find a way to gently express yourself to your husband. "I feel ____ when women at a shopping center ask you to ___" might work out. Do it when he is in a GOOD mood. In a way I can identify-years ago many men would flirt with my ex-girlfriend [my present best friend] not only because she was thin & attractive. But because of her exceptional personality & easy going friendlyness. In an Elvis Presley movie she'd be the Hawaiian woman in a bikini wearing lei flowers...

In a secure way, I knew she had feelings for me, that she was free to choose, be herself, have her own friends, talk to her old acquaintainces including many males who wanted to have sex with her...after awhile it just became...like "hey dude I see what the f&ck you are doing, I'm standing right here while you are trying to flirt with her..." Or guys would ask me questions about her including the famous "are you still dating her?!"

BUT I enjoyed that she was getting compliments and that made her feel good. It's a thin boundary between letting your partner be independent or being too jealous. I might be wrong & not sure if I said that right. Good luck!!!!!!!!

This is something that I have observed while shopping with my husband at the supermarket. First of all, he is very tall; 6 feet two inches. There have been a few instances of some strange woman asking him to reach for something on a high shelf that they cannot reach. While I don't mind this, I do feel weird when they ignore me while making this request. Like the first time it happened, this woman asked my husband for assistance. IMO, she might have made a joke or something, like may I borrow your husband for a minute? ( I have seen this done elsewhere.) But they make direct eye contact with him and don't even pay attention to the fact that he is with me. The second time, my husband looked at me and pretended to need my permission first, so I nodded agreement. We did this to see if the woman would at least acknowledge that she had just interrupted our shopping in order to ask for personal assistance, but she only smiled and thanked him and ignored me. I may be Aspie, but this strikes me as rude behavior. And of course I may be missing all sorts of non verbal cues! :unsure: I would love to hear how others view this.

 

[Ereth]

I don't think a single study speaks for every situation ever---and certainly not in this scenario, when we've been given nothing to indicate any flirtation or an attempt at it. This isn't about another woman trying to steal Garnet's husband away. This is just an everyday type of thing that happens in places like supermarkets, and we'd be foolish to assume there's anything more going on here unless Garnet says otherwise.

My father is 6'3" and routinely helps people get things off of high shelves, etc. if they're struggling.

 

[Sparticus]

You make a good point there. Like me, she might just have to grin and bear it. I like the image you painted of your tall father helping people.

 

[Soup]

Funny about women & tall guys. I guess that genetic memo never arrived or I'm just an Aspie whose software is coded funny. Any guy over 5'10, & that is a maximum, doesn't tend to do much for me. Maybe, since I'm so small (5'1") I subconsciously wonder how it will be possible for me to even walk beside a really tall guy & keep up. Maybe anything over 5'10" just seems excessive, since I'm a minimalist. When I need something from a high shelf, I'll go get a staff member to get it. In our stores, esp since I go during off hours, finding one that is free is not hard.

One time, with my iphone, I called the grocery store I was in, told the receptionist that I was in aisle 4 & I needed a stock person to come retrieve something for me. It saved me from having to wonder around to find help, only to forget what aisle I was in in the first place & what I wanted there.

@Garnerflower13: Does your grocery store offer online shopping? If so, you might want to give that a try in order to minimize the amount of times you actually have to face going to the grocery store at all. I do the bulk of all my shopping online since weird things tend to happen to me in grocery stores. Also, if you go during off hours, you encounter fewer people. Many elderly folks & moms with young kids & babies shop then.

 

[MoCoffee]

I wouldn't worry about this situation too much. I am a tallish woman, and I've often had people ask me to reach things on the higher shelves for them. Many times they will do this without acknowledging my 5'1" daughter who is standing right beside me. I think they are just very focused on getting their shopping done.

 

[Ereth]

Maybe, since I'm so small (5'1") I subconsciously wonder how it will be possible for me to even walk beside a really tall guy & keep up.

Apologies for veering off topic, but I too am barely 5'1", and this reminded me of walking beside my boyfriend when I met him in person last winter. He's 6'3", and he kept outpacing me. :giggle: I think that mostly has to do with how my cerebral palsy makes me walk a bit slowly, though. It was also snowy and icy at the time, so I had to move even more slowly to avoid falling (which I ended up doing at least five times anyway). But he waited for me and helped me up whenever I fell.

 

[Judge]

It seems like a number of things are happening here. Since the woman needing help is asking him to simply retrieve an item from a shelf, hardly a flirtatious gesture in this context (unless the woman is clearly tall enough to reach it easily herself or she behaves clearly flirtatiously). Since he is the one they're asking, they may just assume it is okay to ask him, say 'thanks' & get the rest of the shopping over with.

If you are like many Aspies & you have a blank expression & an Aspie stare (or are avoiding any eye-contact) they may be misreading you & thinking that it would be best to not say anything to you.

Totally agree. One or the other, or both.

I never mind when a total stranger asks me for that kind of help. It's just a kindness to help out in a very simple way. I wouldn't read anything into such a scenario beyond this.

 

[Merritt]

I wouldn't worry about this situation too much. I am a tallish woman, and I've often had people ask me to reach things on the higher shelves for them. Many times they will do this without acknowledging my 5'1" daughter who is standing right beside me. I think they are just very focused on getting their shopping done.

Agreed. I am nearly 6 foot and female, and random women constantly ask me to grab something from a higher shelf - and it is never any different if I am alone or with someone. They just see that I am tall and have a chance of reaching it, where they don't. This seems most likely to me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Funny about women & tall guys. I guess that genetic memo never arrived or I'm just an Aspie whose software is coded funny. Any guy over 5'10, & that is a maximum, doesn't tend to do much for me.

That's funny. I must have gotten the same genetic memo they sent you, as most of my life I was only attracted to small and shortish guys. I think I felt a sort of motherliness towards guys I liked, and wanted to nurture them, to be motherish more than anything else.. It was really funny and surprising that the one guy I eventually really felt attracted to, (who is now my best friend-despite my initial attraction we became good platonic friends) was quite tall. But I liked him because of his personality. That overcame his looks. (I originally thought he was a little weird-looking,) with time I have come to see his real beauty, and even enjoy his height and size.
I also came to understand that he could take care of me; not just me of him. we could be equals Now if I want to mother someone, I can take care of an actual child.

None of the above has to do with the situation at the grocery store.
I think if I was those women, the reason I only talked to him was that I wanted the request and interaction to be short, to be no big deal. Talking to his wife would prolong the interaction, would turn it into a bigger deal. Just making a one sentence request directly to him, keeps it business like and brief.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Doesn't seem a deal at all. I'm not sure why you'd feel uncomfortable. Short people sometimes can't reach things and he is tall. Logical enough. They are asking him, so I don't know why they need to say anything to you. I suppose a genuine smile in your direction would be nice, but not necessary. Makes me think of the song... "short people got no reason...." Apologies to the short people here. I am one of them myself. My husband, who is over 6 feet sometimes sings this to me when I can't reach stuff.

 

[garnetflower13]

First of all, I really enjoyed the assumptions about my guy being so attractive. It makes me glad all over again to be with him, because yes he is! Second, I want to point out that this isn't necessarily a jealousy issue. I will elaborate on why it makes me uncomfortable. A few years ago, back when we were still dating, I had some ugly experiences with women acting disrespectful towards me because of my husband. At a social gathering, we were sitting at a table and a woman that he used to date many years ago, actually leaned across him to pick something up. I was stunned at her blatant disregard for our relationship and was not sure how to handle it without making a scene. My husband, who is mildly Aspie, is also somewhat shy and likely to freeze in a situation like that, so it wasn't handled. After I'd had time to process it (many hours later at home) I was furious at her. Another woman at that same gathering kept talking to him and ignoring me; when I introduced myself and tried to be friendly, she rudely walked away from me. And, she actually kissed my husband on the cheek as we were leaving. So what I am saying is that no, I am not experiencing jealousy towards these shoppers. It makes sense what other posters have responded about them merely needing assistance and not wanting to take time to acknowledge me. This actually makes me feel a little more comfortable about it all! And no, these women weren't necessarily attractive, and they were on the older side. I guess I was just fearing being disrespected again, and wondering how I would handle it. So now I can relax and not worry about it anymore. Thank you for all the thoughtful replies!

 

[garnetflower13]

@Garnerflower13: Does your grocery store offer online shopping? If so, you might want to give that a try in order to minimize the amount of times you actually have to face going to the grocery store at all. I do the bulk of all my shopping online since weird things tend to happen to me in grocery stores. Also, if you go during off hours, you encounter fewer people. Many elderly folks & moms with young kids & babies shop then.

We do some of our shopping online, for things like our monthly vitamins, and toiletry articles like shampoo, soap and body lotion. We mostly purchase perishables at the local supermarket, and my husband usually does most of the shopping since he can swing by the store after work and call me to see what we might need. I find that shopping wears me out fairly quickly, especially here in the South where people expects smiles and social interactions more.