What should I do?

[Owliet]

A friend who I haven’t heard from in over a year and a half got back in contact with me and I’m not sure how to progress with this as I had perceived that the friendship was over. Obviously this has now been proven to be mistaken belief on my part and the only reason why this friend stopped communicating with me at the time was due to their own mental health struggles that I guess weren’t really helped by me having my own and talking endlessly about it.

At the time I deleted my forms of communication and social media to prevent me from getting upset again by anyone else and resigned myself to realize that I had somehow messed up my ONLY friendship and had no way to try to fix it because I had no way of contact when it was met with silence. Also, I had been strongly discouraged and didn’t really want to approach new people in case I messed up again.

in short, I was extremely confused by the radio silence that had no explanation, and now I’m confused again because I don’t know how to approach this. I don’t really want or need another repeat of how it turned out even if they think of my friendship with fondness.

 

[Loren]

Given what you've mentioned, and depending on the content of their message, I might simply say something along the lines of: Thank you for thinking of me. I hope you're doing well.

You aren't obligated to reply, but, if you are similar to me, and prefer not to ignore, I would simply give a brief, kind response, and refrain from asking any questions/ inviting conversation. If they reply, and you are open to it, take it slow, keep it brief on your end and simply see where things go. Try to stay emotionally detached. At least, until you feel it is safe to open up. No matter how long that might take.

If you think that interacting with them could be a detriment to your mental well-being, I would take care of yourself first and foremost, and refrain from responding/ keep moving forward.

 

[Sarah S]

Sadly, this is how it is with all online relationships and i have lost count on how many dear friends i have lost over the years online. And this is sadly something we all have to try to find a way to accept and deal with.

What i always do is leave the door open for all that i once have had contact with. And belive it or not i have had many coming back to me even after many years.

Furthermore, don't blame youre self if the contact seems to fade out or if they suddenly just disappear. there can be many different reasons to their absence but not all of them have to be about you mess up

And also, as with reel life friends you can't stop meeting or dare to open up to new friends so youre protected as then you also exclude the chances of actually finding reel friends, does it hurt when my friends sudenly disappear? Oh yes it breaks my heart and as you i begin to try to figure out if and what i have done wrong. BUT as i said you shouldn't stop trying to meet others just because of the risk of getting hurt again. shush is life people come and people go sadly and online its sadly even more common but that's how online life is

So, what i would suggest is that if you youre self-feel you want to give this try again & see were this might lead.

 

[SimonSays]

You aren't obligated to reply, but, if you are similar to me, and prefer not to ignore, I would simply give a brief, kind response, and refrain from asking any questions/ inviting conversation. If they reply, and you are open to it, take it slow, keep it brief on your end and simply see where things go. Try to stay emotionally detached. At least, until you feel it is safe to open up. No matter how long that might take.

This is excellent advice. I might have been better served adopting a similar approach regarding my recent interactions with my ex.

@Owliet This is so similar to what I've just been through. Someone from my past reaching out to me unexpectedly, appearing to want to reconnect. And even though I was able to maintain a certain emotional distance initially, I quickly followed my usual pattern and jumped in, fully clothed, and only then discovered whether I could swim.

I can't say I'd recommended this approach... it's definitely not for the fainthearted. But sometimes throwing caution to the wind, without worrying what might happen, can be just what I need.

 

[Loren]

This is excellent advice. I might have been better served adopting a similar approach regarding my recent interactions with my ex.

@Owliet This is so similar to what I've just been through. Someone from my past reaching out to me unexpectedly, appearing to want to reconnect. And even though I was able to maintain a certain emotional distance initially, I quickly followed my usual pattern and jumped in, fully clothed, and only then discovered whether I could swim.

I can't say I'd recommended this approach... it's definitely not for the fainthearted. But sometimes throwing caution to the wind, without worrying what might happen, can be just what I need.

I was once the same, but my heart was likely not as strong as yours, and the pain I would feel, afterward, would be nearly impossible to endure. Since then, I have been more conscious of the way I approach relationships/ friendships, in an effort to protect my heart and my mind, which may or may not be the best approach, but, for now, I am not ready to risk experiencing that level of heartache. I have always had a tendency to bond with people too easily and deeply.

 

[SimonSays]

I have always had a tendency to bond with people too easily and deeply.

Me too. As you say, it can definitely lead to a deep sense of heartache. It is not easy to deal with. But I just don't know any other way to do it. I know there are other ways, and yet somehow if I do it like that, I'm holding myself back, protecting myself, which makes sense, of course, I get it, and yet it's not who I really am.

Perhaps the problem has been that it hasn't happened with a person of similar heart. I think we are meant to bond easily and deeply.

 

[Sarah S]

I should add that it has takend me many years to learn and adapt and accept and be able to accept friends coming and going. But as i said im still here for when/if they choose to return.

 

[Owliet]

Given what you've mentioned, and depending on the content of their message, I might simply say something along the lines of: Thank you for thinking of me. I hope you're doing well.

You aren't obligated to reply, but, if you are similar to me, and prefer not to ignore, I would simply give a brief, kind response, and refrain from asking any questions/ inviting conversation. If they reply, and you are open to it, take it slow, keep it brief on your end and simply see where things go. Try to stay emotionally detached. At least, until you feel it is safe to open up. No matter how long that might take.

If you think that interacting with them could be a detriment to your mental well-being, I would take care of yourself first and foremost, and refrain from responding/ keep moving forward.

I do prefer to not ignore but I can’t deny that I wasn’t hurt or confused by how the contact ceased on their part (incidentally The topic was my first post thread on this forum). You’re advice is very helpful,and thank you for taking the time I’ll work up what to say. I’m in a different place mental health wise, so hopefully I won’t take too much on..maybe wishful thinking.

Sadly, this is how it is with all online relationships and i have lost count on how many dear friends i have lost over the years online. And this is sadly something we all have to try to find a way to accept and deal with.

What i always do is leave the door open for all that i once have had contact with. And belive it or not i have had many coming back to me even after many years.

Furthermore, don't blame youre self if the contact seems to fade out or if they suddenly just disappear. there can be many different reasons to their absence but not all of them have to be about you mess up

And also, as with reel life friends you can't stop meeting or dare to open up to new friends so youre protected as then you also exclude the chances of actually finding reel friends, does it hurt when my friends sudenly disappear? Oh yes it breaks my heart and as you i begin to try to figure out if and what i have done wrong. BUT as i said you shouldn't stop trying to meet others just because of the risk of getting hurt again. shush is life people come and people go sadly and online its sadly even more common but that's how online life is

So, what i would suggest is that if you youre self-feel you want to give this try again & see were this might lead.

I think what hurt me initially about it was that the friend was yet another one who knew about my ASD and how difficult I found it with friends and social stuff, and yet again another one who let me down or at least that is what it felt like. Now with reading about their explanations, I don’t know but I’ll try to implement Lorens advice.

This is excellent advice. I might have been better served adopting a similar approach regarding my recent interactions with my ex.

@Owliet This is so similar to what I've just been through. Someone from my past reaching out to me unexpectedly, appearing to want to reconnect. And even though I was able to maintain a certain emotional distance initially, I quickly followed my usual pattern and jumped in, fully clothed, and only then discovered whether I could swim.

I can't say I'd recommended this approach... it's definitely not for the fainthearted. But sometimes throwing caution to the wind, without worrying what might happen, can be just what I need.

Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about as I think that part of why it ceased was me having too much over sharing . I don’t want to go into this too deep again

 

[Loren]

I do prefer to not ignore but I can’t deny that I wasn’t hurt or confused by how the contact ceased on their part (incidentally The topic was my first post thread on this forum). You’re advice is very helpful,and thank you for taking the time I’ll work up what to say. I’m in a different place mental health wise, so hopefully I won’t take too much on..maybe wishful thinking...

You're welcome, Owliet. I am glad if I could be of help. Definitely, take care of yourself. I hope whatever transpires, works out for the best.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It sounds that from your friend reaching out, they are giving you an opening to reconnect. Perhaps as you explained here you can explain the misapprehension, and if you still value that person perhaps explain how you missed them.

I've learned it is never too late to correct errors to connect with somebody.

 

[Aspychata]

Hope you find answers here. Relationships are so complexing and ever-changing. It would be nice to glaze into a crystal ball and get a time-line of when we should walk away or a schematic- if this and this- do that.

Like ask Alexis- should l call him or is this over? Are we friends or fake friends? Maybe this is the area we struggle in as ND. And people can give double messages- like call me. Then you call and they never pick-up there phone. The struggle is real. Social clues are not always clear.

 

[Suzette]

I think you need to decide what "friendship" means to you. Then put yourself in this persons point of view.

Did this person act out of malice?

If you were like them, perhaps ashamed of your mental heath struggles and feeling unable to bear anothers troubles because of your own fragility, how would you like for others to act?

Did this friend behave in a way that you, yourself, might have? Would you wish for others to treat you kindly if your troubles had been so great that, in that moment, you could not communicate your feelings?

I am so torn here. To me friendships are conditiinal. They are conditioned on whether another treats me with kindness and respect. This works well day to day. But when things turn dark for ourselves, sometimes that is when we need frienships the most and we ask others then to forgive us our transgressions.

I wonder if you could talk to your friend about your feelings of abandonment if you might get some relief for your feelings and a better understanding of them so that you can be better friends to one another?

 

[Owliet]

I haven’t written back yet, but I don’t feel that at the moment I can ask the questions of why. I was quite confused and hurt by the sparse messages and then the silences. Regardless of what was behind the reason, I’ve known that person for years as they were a friend from university who often was like “you can talk to me about anything “. At the time I was not doing well with my mental health and (what I perceive to be now) I made the mistake of over sharing. Last time I posted about this, someone said I had over burdened and now i do feel like that was accurate. However, at the time I needed that friendship and I was abandoned. It’s not really the first time, and in this case it’s made me feel more guarded around people. I will respond but I feel that there’s a distinct distance now and that’s making me apprehended because the message is a “tell me all about how things are going”. What if I make the same mistake again?


I think with any friendships I have had, I usually go into them too deeply and give too much. And then something that is only a slight hurt, is 10 x’s what it should be. I can’t do the “water off a ducks back thing”.

 

[Sarah S]

I personally think you are on the right track with how you feel you want to handle this.

We all need to decide how we feel and can handle and accept these matters.

Reg the water of a duck i can't either and doubt many can. and i can also add that some friends that come back to me after a long time gone i shore don't greet them with oh let's just continue as usual as it was before.

What i do is open up BUT it then depends on how they continue and if i feel this is going to be a coming and going when they need me that time i treat it as shuch (ie keep it short and to the point, they get back what they give) And im this way to all my friends be it online or reel life & I've lost count on how many times i have been left in the dust from what i once thought would be my reel friends for a long time. And yes, it hurts very much but im used to it from years of this all my life.

 

[Suzette]

@Owliet, just remember, you aren't passing judgement on anyone for the rest of their lives. You are simply deciding what to do today.

So, in that spirit, what is enough for today?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have always relied on body language dealing with others, why I do not like phone calls or social media. I am a very visual person. You have to live your life the way that fits you it starts with having the correct paradigm of who you are.

 

[SimonSays]

I have always relied on body language dealing with others, why I do not like phone calls or social media. I am a very visual person.

I'm like this too. It has been a challenge to forego the reliance on body language. I don't like talking on the phone, and yet the therapy I'm having is done on it.

I've never even met my therapist, and there are times when I feel myself doubting her level of presence, as she could be doing anything. On the whole though I think she's pretty good, but were I face-to-face, there would be no doubt. Letting go of the need for something visual has taken some time to adapt to, but I'm okay with it now. I accept that she is listening and just talk with my eyes closed. It seems to work.

 

[Owliet]

@Owliet, just remember, you aren't passing judgement on anyone for the rest of their lives. You are simply deciding what to do today.

So, in that spirit, what is enough for today?

Probably just giving a response along the lines of hi and happy new year....And if it’s taken further, great.

I have always relied on body language dealing with others, why I do not like phone calls or social media. I am a very visual person. You have to live your life the way that fits you it starts with having the correct paradigm of who you are.

I don’t like phone calls, prefer text. I’m not very good with body language or subtle face expressions either but often can’t get inflection in voices.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

That's the error made about us ASPIES we are over generalized.

 

[Owliet]

That's the error made about us ASPIES we are over generalized.

Yes, I know that not everyone is the same on the spectrum. I was making a comment because I just don’t like phones or video chats because of those reasons, particularly inflection in voices. I can’t do it naturally, so have to really try and it’s often feels unnatural to me. Text stuff is a lot easier because it’s often less stressful.