What should I do?

[Suzette]

Probably just giving a response along the lines of hi and happy new year....And if it’s taken further, great

Perfect!

 

[Varzar]

I haven’t written back yet, but I don’t feel that at the moment I can ask the questions of why. I was quite confused and hurt by the sparse messages and then the silences. Regardless of what was behind the reason, I’ve known that person for years as they were a friend from university who often was like “you can talk to me about anything “. At the time I was not doing well with my mental health and (what I perceive to be now) I made the mistake of over sharing. Last time I posted about this, someone said I had over burdened and now i do feel like that was accurate. However, at the time I needed that friendship and I was abandoned. It’s not really the first time, and in this case it’s made me feel more guarded around people. I will respond but I feel that there’s a distinct distance now and that’s making me apprehended because the message is a “tell me all about how things are going”. What if I make the same mistake again?


I think with any friendships I have had, I usually go into them too deeply and give too much. And then something that is only a slight hurt, is 10 x’s what it should be. I can’t do the “water off a ducks back thing”.

Sounds familiar.
I try to give a lot in new friendships as well. I think it's just the right thing to do by my own ideology I guess. I believe in honesty, honour, and respect. I've been burned many times, and it's painful for sure. But I try not to let those who don't honour and respect the friendship I offer change the person that I am. In other words, I try not to put up many walls on account of those that are not the right people for me.
I guess what I'm saying is, I don't think you made a mistake being open with this person the first time. You gave them a chance. It was their choice to let the relationship go.
Whether you want to entertain a second go with them is another question entirely. I'd be hesitant for sure, and certainly not without addressing why they abandoned you the last time around..

 

[Suzette]

I probably should have told my story before now but this thread is quite a bit more personal than I have let on and I wasn't sure it was appropriate to share.

Any way, I once let a friendship go under seeminly similar circumstances. I was still married to my ex and he was emotionally abusive. My son was little then. I could tell you about everything else going on but I will just say I was a scared, confused, depressed, angry wreck.
I had a lovely friend who was an artist and she was always so kind, warm and sincere. Every time I was around her I just seemed to fall apart. I did not make a good friend. Sometimes I would cook some stew or share some of my projects with her and she was always complimentary. I really, really wanted her as the kind of friend that that wanted me to be there for her too.
But I couldn't be that friend really. I had too much going on in my own mind. Basically, aside from a little cooking and guilt gifts, I felt that I really had nothing to give her. So I stopped calling and going by her house. Every time I saw her it was all about me. It wasn't fair to her.

It hurt that she didn't ever check in on me. She just let it all be.
Several years later, after I got my head together and finally left my husband, I looked her up. She had had some private gallery shows of her art. She did these huge installations. I let her know I had seen her shows and told her why I ghosted her.
As always she was kind. But she didn't indicate that my absence or presence mattered in any way. She just said "o.k.". She never sought me out after that.
I always felt a little hurt that I had meant so little to her.

So, that's my story. @Owliet, I wanted to tell you that story because your friend reminded me of myself. Back then I felt that stepping back from the friendship was being the best friend I could be. I didn't say anything directly to my friend at the time because my head was so messed up I couldn't even articulate these thoughts to myself with clarity.

I hope you will give your friend a second chance and she is as sincere with you and I was with my friend.

 

[Owliet]

I probably should have told my story before now but this thread is quite a bit more personal than I have let on and I wasn't sure it was appropriate to share.

Any way, I once let a friendship go under seeminly similar circumstances. I was still married to my ex and he was emotionally abusive. My son was little then. I could tell you about everything else going on but I will just say I was a scared, confused, depressed, angry wreck.
I had a lovely friend who was an artist and she was always so kind, warm and sincere. Every time I was around her I just seemed to fall apart. I did not make a good friend. Sometimes I would cook some stew or share some of my projects with her and she was always complimentary. I really, really wanted her as the kind of friend that that wanted me to be there for her too.
But I couldn't be that friend really. I had too much going on in my own mind. Basically, aside from a little cooking and guilt gifts, I felt that I really had nothing to give her. So I stopped calling and going by her house. Every time I saw her it was all about me. It wasn't fair to her.

It hurt that she didn't ever check in on me. She just let it all be.
Several years later, after I got my head together and finally left my husband, I looked her up. She had had some private gallery shows of her art. She did these huge installations. I let her know I had seen her shows and told her why I ghosted her.
As always she was kind. But she didn't indicate that my absence or presence mattered in any way. She just said "o.k.". She never sought me out after that.
I always felt a little hurt that I had meant so little to her.

So, that's my story. @Owliet, I wanted to tell you that story because your friend reminded me of myself. Back then I felt that stepping back from the friendship was being the best friend I could be. I didn't say anything directly to my friend at the time because my head was so messed up I couldn't even articulate these thoughts to myself with clarity.

I hope you will give your friend a second chance and she is as sincere with you and I was with my friend.

I’m sorry that that happened Suzette. Thank you for sharing.

I sent a response last night.

 

[Luca]

I probably should have told my story before now but this thread is quite a bit more personal than I have let on and I wasn't sure it was appropriate to share.

Any way, I once let a friendship go under seeminly similar circumstances. I was still married to my ex and he was emotionally abusive. My son was little then. I could tell you about everything else going on but I will just say I was a scared, confused, depressed, angry wreck.
I had a lovely friend who was an artist and she was always so kind, warm and sincere. Every time I was around her I just seemed to fall apart. I did not make a good friend. Sometimes I would cook some stew or share some of my projects with her and she was always complimentary. I really, really wanted her as the kind of friend that that wanted me to be there for her too.
But I couldn't be that friend really. I had too much going on in my own mind. Basically, aside from a little cooking and guilt gifts, I felt that I really had nothing to give her. So I stopped calling and going by her house. Every time I saw her it was all about me. It wasn't fair to her.

It hurt that she didn't ever check in on me. She just let it all be.
Several years later, after I got my head together and finally left my husband, I looked her up. She had had some private gallery shows of her art. She did these huge installations. I let her know I had seen her shows and told her why I ghosted her.
As always she was kind. But she didn't indicate that my absence or presence mattered in any way. She just said "o.k.". She never sought me out after that.
I always felt a little hurt that I had meant so little to her.

So, that's my story. @Owliet, I wanted to tell you that story because your friend reminded me of myself. Back then I felt that stepping back from the friendship was being the best friend I could be. I didn't say anything directly to my friend at the time because my head was so messed up I couldn't even articulate these thoughts to myself with clarity.

I hope you will give your friend a second chance and she is as sincere with you and I was with my friend.

Thank you for sharing, Suzette. I know how hard it is to talk about personal issues on here sometimes…
I can relate. I’ve been that friend to people too I’ve disconnected from friendships because of my own mental health issues and because I was being selfish, and then I regretted it. And those people had already moved on.
I’m sorry you felt like you meant so little to your friend But it was very brave of you to reach out to her. I can relate to what you shared here, a lot.

@Owliet , I hope you are able to get the answers you need from your friend. But I agree with Suzette, give them a chance and hope they are coming from a place of honesty and empathy.

 

[Owliet]

Thank you for sharing, Suzette. I know how hard it is to talk about personal issues on here sometimes…
I can relate. I’ve been that friend to people too I’ve disconnected from friendships because of my own mental health issues and because I was being selfish, and then I regretted it. And those people had already moved on.
I’m sorry you felt like you meant so little to your friend But it was very brave of you to reach out to her. I can relate to what you shared here, a lot.

@Owliet , I hope you are able to get the answers you need from your friend. But I agree with Suzette, give them a chance and hope they are coming from a place of honesty and empathy.

It’s nice with this forum, that we can have shared related experiences with each other even if it’s not entirely the same. It’s nice to have that type of understanding. thanks for sharing too. I’m sorry that happened.

I wait to see what happens. I sent the message response.

 

[Owliet]

I received a message back but I have been feeling stuck on what to write back. As silly as that sounds. I just feel worried that if I say something “wrong”, that’s the chance over and I’ll have messed up again. I guess I’m feeling more sensitive than I should be but I can’t leave this response for too long otherwise that’ll leave a different interpretation. Really wish that things were less complicated...

 

[Varzar]

I received a message back but I have been feeling stuck on what to write back. As silly as that sounds. I just feel worried that if I say something “wrong”, that’s the chance over and I’ll have messed up again. I guess I’m feeling more sensitive than I should be but I can’t leave this response for too long otherwise that’ll leave a different interpretation. Really wish that things were less complicated...

Just be you. If they don't like you for you, then it's probably not going to work out in the long run anyways.
Also, I still don't think you said anything "wrong" the first time. Seems like it was them that messed that up.. So, none of this blaming yourself for stuff that happened in the past. Clean slate (since you decided to pursue a second attempt). Move forward from there, don't look back. Be yourself. If it works out then great. If it doesn't, at least you gave it another shot.