When did you realize that you're different for the 1st time?

[Autism]

I think I was somewhere between 2 and 2,5.basically that's when I had my 1st opportunity to communicate with other kids.I remember looking at them and wishing to play together but I couldn't understand their rules of communication. Later for the next 7 years I kept telling myself, that's just because I keep meeting the wrong people. Only at age of 9, when processing issues became more obvious as well, I had to admit that I wasn't like others. At that point I thought that there's something wrong with my brain and I was on a mission to figure out what it was.

What about you guys?

It only took me 47 years to notice that I had a lot of different capabilities than others. Somehow that was all intensified after i got PTSD and then I researched it and learned a lot about myself, and my conditions.

 

[anthoskate]

I never really thought that I was different, I always thought that I was trying to be different then everyone else because I found it interesting but now I know that what I was really trying to be was myself.

When I was 11 or 12 years old I remember that I used to do wierd things like pretending to be stupid so I could study peoples behaviour and I found it interesting how they preyed on the weak to succeed socially.

 

[Christy]

I never realised I was different until last year. I thought I was unlikeable but I could never understand it. It became apparent in early primary school when I just didn't fit with the other kids. I was then bullied through upper primary school. By high school I learnt to keep my mouth shut least I draw attention to myself. Through uni I couldn't understand why I still didn't fit, but by then I was blaming my upbringing.

I guess I always knew I was the source of the problem because I was the only consistent factor in every situation, but I couldn't fault my motives or effort. It left me feeling misunderstood and isolated. Finding out last year that I am different was such a relief!

 

[neuroillogic]

For as long as I can remember, I knew I didn't exactly 'fit in' though I was also mute to the outside world until I was about 8, so recognizing just HOW different I was became a challenge. For the longest time, I assumed that everyone had the same kind of thoughts and feelings I did, and I just had a terrible time dealing with them, or reaching this mythical 'second stage' of thought that I assumed I was missing, that gave everyone but me the ability to figure things out and socialize Where I always failed.

It wasn't until I was 14 did I stop and actually realize there was something fundamentally different about me. I remember it clearly, physically looking around the school and feeling like I was seeing everyone else and myself for the first time. I realized in that moment that I didn't act the same, talk the same, think the same, or even look the same as any of my peers. Though, I also had friends with autism, and while I felt I could connect with them on a lot of things, they were on a different part of the spectrum than me, so it took me a very long time to make the connection between myself and aspergers. I just wish I wasn't too lost in my own world to notice for over half my life.

 

[Jamie Lee]

I just self diagnosed myself and I am still figuring this whole thing out but I knew I was different in pre-school. We had a jungle gym with a steering wheel and I imagined myself driving the entire drive from my home to my school. Every turn, stoplight, and stop sign. I remember thinking, I don't think other children are doing this. I didn't question it again until I was in 6th grade. We had to make a mask out of a paper bag and write a story to go along with the mask. We had to present it to the class. I made a mask called Lead Zeppelin and it was a giant pencil. I thought it was clever and funny. No one laughed and I realized I was a little odd.

 

[Etzelaire]

Back at school, maybe when I was 8. I wanted to do everything and I felt the others didn't share my hunger of knowledge. But as a kid, playing was not that bad instead of reading(which I did a lot)

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

When I was in primary school I used to deliberately mimic my best friend in order to be accepted by the other children, as I knew by that point that if I "acted like myself" they would reject and tease me. I also played a game in my head where I was basically pretending to be a human girl eg: 3 other girls and I spent several months in year 4 playing "unicorns". While the other girls were pretending to be unicorns, I was pretending to be a girl who was pretending to be a unicorn. Whilst I don't remember ever openly acknowledged to myself that I was "different" looking back it's pretty obvious that I knew I was.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I knew in elementary school I didn't really fit in, but I figured the other kids were just being sore losers about me not letting them copy my homework. When I turned 14 is when I started getting the official notes that I was broken because my social anxiety was at its peak then. If somebody came to the house and I didn't know them or knew they were coming, I would literally run and hide until they left.

 

[icesyckel]

There was never a time at any point in my life when someone accused me of being normal. Quite the opposite in fact. "Weird" had to be one of the first words I learned as a child.

 

[May Black]

I grew up believing that it was perfectly normal to feel like you don't belong, that everyone felt that way. I remember I felt completely misplaced in my family and for a while I was convinced I was adopted, which my mother assumed depended on me playing an adopted child in a theater play, but I know that it was much deeper than so. I was maybe two or three years old at that time. I never felt like I needed to socialize with other children, I never really found any of their games interesting and I thoroughly hated everything about kindergarten, with the exceptions of a boy named Radek and the few occasions when we got to try a new art technique. I think I stopped being considered generally odd around the age of 15 when I grew out of my baby fat and glasses and started to attract boys. I have no idea if it's an Aspie trait, if I'm just weird, or if other NT also feel misplaced. It's not something I'd talk about with my friends.

 

[adamindeltona]

When my little brother was born, my mom was pretty sick after the birth so I went to a daycare place for a few months. I realized I was different then. I couldn't figure out how to make friends so I would sit by myself and read. Boy the looks the daycare people gave me when they saw that I could read when I was 2!

Actually, I remember the daycare folks were shocked that I could speak so well, but when they found out I could read too, I knew then that I wasn't like the other kids.

 

[JohnH]

Probably around 2007 or so, when I was 50, was when I first really looked into Asperger's Syndrome and realized that it explained a lot of my personality and behaviors.

However, one of the things I kept coming up against was that it was normally diagnosed in childhood, and I had a pretty normal childhood, at least according to how I remember things. My first rude awakening was in junior high and high school, where all of a sudden I wasn't just accepted and had lots of friends, like I had in grade school, and was picked on a fair amount when I was in 7th grade, but I thought it was just bullies, and I wasn't their only target.

I always just thought I had a very logical mind and restrained emotions, and was fairly smart relative to most people, which explained my differences.

But then after figuring out that I did perhaps have Asperger's Syndrome, I still didn't do much further research until a couple of years ago when my older sister mentioned that I had actually been tested as a child and the school had told my parents at the time (I am guessing I was 5 or so) that they thought I might be autistic, but that I had a very high IQ (155 was the number I was later told, though I don't know how that is measured in a 5 year old). They decided they didn't want me to be "burdened" with that so they never told me.

So only recently have I dug into it much. I remember mentioning to a former boss that I believed I had AS. He had never heard of it, and thought that it sounded like "ass-burgers" and thought that funny, and would ridicule me with the term. Still not having an official diagnosis, it's not like I could do anything about that, other than decide that he was a jerk.

Odd thing is - when I take the AspieQuiz test, even though I answer it very truthfully, it says I am "probably NT" which to me is relatively funny. A friend of mine who I told that, told me that test must be broken if it thinks I'm an NT. I can only guess that since I lived 50 years without knowing, and another 7 now with a strong suspicion about it, that I've developed enough coping mechanisms or perhaps am only affected in certain areas that I am "close enough" to being NT that even the test is fooled.

 

[DogwoodTree]

My very first somewhat clear memory is from when I was about 2 years old. I was trying to see over the top of our kitchen table, and I could just about do it. I think someone said that I was getting so big, and I remember thinking, "maybe when I'm big, I'll be good enough." I don't think I really had the vocabulary to express it in my head quite that way, but thinking back to that memory, that's the way it feels, you know?

Growing up, even as a little bitty kid, I kept wondering what it would be like to be a "real" person. Stuff would happen in my family, and it would seem like, this just isn't what "real" people do. I think some of this had to do with how much TV we watched. My dad was mentally ill...maybe autism mixed with some kind of antisocial personality disorder...he watched TV all. the. time. (and still does) My parents divorced when I was 7, so when we'd go to see him for visitation, we'd spend almost the whole time watching TV. I always felt like the TV characters were more real than I was.

In kindergarten, I was placed in the "gifted" group because I already knew my ABC's. I always felt out of place, but didn't know why, and was very shy. In 4th grade one time, I had a conversation with a girl in the back of the classroom while the other students were still doing their class work, and I was just giddy thinking, "wow, she actually likes me. I'm a REAL person. Maybe I'll have a REAL friend now!" And then we moved away. Her name was Mandy.

At my new school, I just couldn't fit in. I remember one day at school, I started staring out the door and decided, "I'm different from everyone else...I love God so much, and that just means I'll always be different, and that's okay."

It wasn't until 9th grade that I started learning how to blend in a little better, but even then I wasn't very good at it. I had "friends" who somewhat liked me and let me be part of their band of misfits, but even with them I didn't quite fit. I was on the fringe of the oddball clique.

College was worse at first. One day towards the beginning of my freshman year, when we're all just getting to know each other and trying to become friends with the people around us, my roommate and our two suite-mates starting getting all dressed up, fixing their hair and make-up and giggling like girls do. I asked what was going on, and they finally told me they were going out. No invitation for me to join them, no explanation as to why I wasn't invited, they just got all dolled up and left. This was a few weeks into our first semester, and up until that point, we had all pretty much hung out together and shared "secrets" and stuff to get to know each other better. Apparently, I wasn't good enough to still be a part of all of that. I can't tell you how crushed I was, though many of you probably know. It still brings tears to my eyes (and I rarely, rarely cry) and turns my insides out. I'm shaking a little just thinking about it. I went to the walking trail on campus and just let the tears fall as I walked as fast as I could, though not really in the mood to run (I had run track in high school after I had to give up band...long story).

After that, I got so deeply depressed that I went to the school counselor. That's when everything came out about the abuse back home, and how no one had helped me when I had asked for protection, and my sisters were all still in it.

Later in grad school, I had a class in my education program about developmental psychology or something similar. We talked about social problems kids have. It was a small, intimate group, and I shared how I always felt different and that I didn't fit in socially. My professor...a graduate education-program instructor...just said she didn't notice anything unusual about me, and that I seemed to get along fine with everyone. And yet, during that class I had often felt left out and that I wasn't quite as "acceptable" socially as the other students. I don't know if my standards are just warped, or if I was doing that good of a job of hiding my oddities.

Now I see my daughter, not quite a teenager, doing odd things and not really fitting the typical pre-teen girl profile. She still likes little-girl toys, dresses like a tomboy, does strange things around people. She's very, very smart, and frequently gets compliments for being very mature and responsible, which she is. But she's different. I just don't think she realizes it yet because we've accepted her the way she is and she's been homeschooled all her life.

She and I had a long talk yesterday about how to balance being "yourself" and still "fitting in" so it's easier to make friends. She had a lot of questions. I'm just not sure how to answer her as she discovers how difficult this can really be.

Acceptance...friendship...is screwed up. People don't know what it is to really know someone. It's not safe to want to be known, to want to be accepted and loved. It's not safe to want anything from anyone. If something good actually happens even though I wasn't expecting it, then maybe I can enjoy it a little. But to want it, to build anticipation for love and acceptance from anyone, is foolish. Not judging people, because I'm no better at showing real love for people. Just trying to learn to stop wanting it so much and accept it for what it is, though I'd love to figure out how to truly love people. That's my passion. And yet I'm so awful at it.

 

[Zjezdzaj]

In kindergarten. I was around 3 or 4, I could never understand how the other children (or the adults for that matter) thought. I remember always being confused as to what other people meant and why they did what they did… I was always on my own because I couldn't figure out how to play with other kids or how to make friends.
It was about the same time as my parents realized something was different about me, but I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 23

 

[karla]

When I was around 5 or 6. I noticed that kids could focus much better in school; I was on my own world. I was not intrested either in their games, I liked playing on my one and imagining that I was someone else, I was always on character, sometimes I still am.

 

[Shawn D]

I just self diagnosed myself and I am still figuring this whole thing out but I knew I was different in pre-school. We had a jungle gym with a steering wheel and I imagined myself driving the entire drive from my home to my school. Every turn, stoplight, and stop sign. I remember thinking, I don't think other children are doing this. I didn't question it again until I was in 6th grade. We had to make a mask out of a paper bag and write a story to go along with the mask. We had to present it to the class. I made a mask called Lead Zeppelin and it was a giant pencil. I thought it was clever and funny. No one laughed and I realized I was a little odd.

When I was in the 7th grade, we had an assignment to make up an imaginary world, complete with illustrations. My world was a pencil box planet where the inhabitants were pencils, pens, erasers, etc..In hindsight, I suppose it was a little odd. In home economics, I also sewed a pillow in the shape of a pencil. I guess I really liked school supplies.

 

[Shawn D]

Growing up, I always knew I was "off", but could never figure out why. My mom moved us a lot--14 schools by the time I graduated high school--and no matter where we were, the other kids teased and ostracized me. The constant in the equation was me. I reasoned that the kids from the last school must have notified the kids at the next school that I was coming, so they better get ready.
I can't pinpoint the age I decided I was different, but it was very recently that I discovered the diagnosis of ASD. I'm just wondering how none of the countless therapists I saw growing up ever came up with it. They said I had everything from borderline personality disorder to manic depression to anxiety, and had me a 4-pill cocktail at one point for all of the above, but never once did ASD occur to any of them. I'd imagine they were just treating the numerous behavioral issues that arose as a result of having a tumultuous upbringing with undiagnosed ASD.

 

[Aspieistj]

I never had a clue what was wrong with me until I was in my early 60s and picked up some Aspie info on a prosopagnosia forum. It is a very relaxed forum and many off topic threads are tolerated. I am eternally grateful because it was this reading that taught me about high functioning AS and a light finally dawned for me. All I ever knew as a little girl was that I was selfish, mean, antagonistic, weird, boring, deliberately different and antagonistic. I was fat and if no one else ever bothered to torment me, my mother did more than enough showing her disgust at me. Hey--I was 5 when I entered kindergarten and I was a tub. I couldn't cook for myself or buy my own food, so whose fault was it that I was fat? I was also smart and that was something that pleased my mother. I really wanted to be friendly with several girls in my class and had a crush on one two boys. One of the girls was a very nice person and was nice to me so I assumed I had a friend. That was it for most of my life. I never had more than one or two friends, I often fought with other children until I learned to control my behavior as I grew up. I was always an excellent student, loved learning, read voraciously, and was often well liked by my teachers. Until I was in 7th grade I talked constantly and was often in trouble because of that. I was fat and poorly coordinated, needed glasses, and hated all sports because I really never had a chance to do well. I loved jumping rope but could never do double dutch so I made myself the constant rope turner for double dutch. I was seldom invited to parties. My intelligence and high grades kept me from being the class's most unwanted person, but I really didn't have many friends. I always managed to have at least on friend from the neighborhood so I could play after school. Between my freshman and sophomore years in school I decided to learn to play the bassoon and immediately found a group when I fit in with the band. I wasn't particularly well liked, but I did have a few band friends. Same in choir. College was no different. All I knew was that I had almost zero interest in the stuff all the other people were keenly interested in pursuing. No sports. No popular music, no hanging out with silly girls and doing the stupid things they loved. Also, very seldom a boyfriend. In high school I did quickly find the best friend of my life but in spite of what others thought we weren't boy friend/girl friend. After he moved to the West coast with his family right after graduation he finally realized he was gay. We remained friends until he died from Aids.

This was my life. I sometimes had to pretend to be interested in or like things the other kids did if I wanted any company. I made myself go along when they got pizza and forced myself to eat some. I REALLY wanted ice cream! My life continued like this for more than 5 decades. I managed to settle on a jerk and got married and had kids, and then....a divorce! It was hard for me to see my kids go along with the crowd most of the time because I was always aloof to what most people cared about. I worked hard not to make my kids into weirdos. They aren't. When I read about Asperger Syndrome while in my early 60s, when I already knew I had prosopagnosia and accepted that my brain was differently wired, I "got" that I was on the spectrum. I believe my life was ruined by AS because being different and having even my family abuse me because of it. Mostly, all I remember is pain, exile, loneliness, abuse, longing to be recognized for my many talents and accomplishments, and in general, always wishing I had never been born. If I had a chance to be born again, with AS, I would run the other way. I view the differences between NTs and Aspies as a variation of the norm, but when one is in the minority group, life is Hell.

 

[Fraktal]

I cannot claim that it was a particular point in time after which I realized how different I am.
Rather it trickled in slowly over the years.
I remember my mother saying that I was different and me showing that I am so that I'd notice myself.
It took some years until I fully realized I don't have to do anything to stand out, from which moment on my attempt was the opposite somehow, while still not acting more than I can handle.
There were times when I was forced out of balance and had to act far beyond my limits.
Those limits moved and I moved from group to group to find one where my potential is appreciated and I don't have to act as much.

 

[apsie]

I've always known I'm different, but I only really started thinking about the how and the what when I hit 15.
Before that I just went with the flow and accepted certain things are expected.