Actually I've had that experience.
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When (if) did you realize no one liked you. (at school/work/a group etc)
- Thread starter Jordy
- Start date
Actually I've had that experience.
I mainly stuck with my family, did notice women were weirdly attracted to me did not take advantage of this.
I didn't play with other kids before school, so I was different, but, thought nothing about it.
I was content this way.
Soon as I started school though, I was miserable being with the other kids and soon they started
making fun of me. My looks, actions, just me in general.
Odd kid out.
I had one friend in first grade. A boy whose Mom was autistic. He wasn't, but, we got along fine
and enjoyed role playing such as Cowboys and Indians, Explorers, Spys, etc.
And I know that feeling of being the last person to be picked for games in school.
I was content this way.
Soon as I started school though, I was miserable being with the other kids and soon they started
making fun of me. My looks, actions, just me in general.
Odd kid out.
I had one friend in first grade. A boy whose Mom was autistic. He wasn't, but, we got along fine
and enjoyed role playing such as Cowboys and Indians, Explorers, Spys, etc.
And I know that feeling of being the last person to be picked for games in school.
coldfish
Well-Known Member
Although I was bullied at school I think that was mostly driven by me being different rather than hatred, and it also never really worked - even while being bullied I was aware that the responses I was giving were not the ones I was apparently expected to give which seemed to confuse and unsettle the bullies and they mostly kept their distance. Apart from appreciating the irony that apparently I was a failure as a bullying victim, in that context I prefered to be disliked, because it meant I got left in peace to potter around and do my own thing.
As an adult I'm unable to judge if people like me or not so, in the absense of explicit strong evidence to the contrary, I default to an assumption of polite neutrality (i.e. they neither like nor dislike me, but ultimately don't care about me at all). Most of the time this works, but when people stray outside that neutral behaviour I can either miss it entirely or I have trouble determining which way the evidence is leading - for example if a colleague seems to be going out of their way to always ask my opinion, is that becasue they value it professionally, like me and want to talk to me, or dislike me and are mocking me?
A retrospectively humerous(?) example:
I was invited by a coworker to their nearby flat for a coffee after work prior to a post-work event we were due to attend that evening. They started showing me around their home and eventually we ended up in the bedroom, by which point I was thirsty and worried about being late (meanwhile they were lying on their bed, and appeared to be making themselves more comfortable) so I asked where the proffered coffee was. This did not go down well, and after that they avoided me and wouldn't talk to me at all at work, and several other collegues also seemed to be treating me differently but I didn't know why.
I thought I'd accidentally insulted some of their artwork that they had shown me earlier on the tour or I'd been too forceful in asking for the coffee, but it seemed to me an unreasonable overreaction, and I didn't see why anyone else would have been interested.
It was only when explaining this to someone 15 years later and they started laughing that I realised the accidental insult I'd caused. I'd been oblivious to how much this person had liked me, how deeply I'd hurt them, and how much they must have disliked me afterwards.
I would never want to cause hurt like that, but I'm also aware that sometimes the social firewall is protective.
As an adult I'm unable to judge if people like me or not so, in the absense of explicit strong evidence to the contrary, I default to an assumption of polite neutrality (i.e. they neither like nor dislike me, but ultimately don't care about me at all). Most of the time this works, but when people stray outside that neutral behaviour I can either miss it entirely or I have trouble determining which way the evidence is leading - for example if a colleague seems to be going out of their way to always ask my opinion, is that becasue they value it professionally, like me and want to talk to me, or dislike me and are mocking me?
A retrospectively humerous(?) example:
I was invited by a coworker to their nearby flat for a coffee after work prior to a post-work event we were due to attend that evening. They started showing me around their home and eventually we ended up in the bedroom, by which point I was thirsty and worried about being late (meanwhile they were lying on their bed, and appeared to be making themselves more comfortable) so I asked where the proffered coffee was. This did not go down well, and after that they avoided me and wouldn't talk to me at all at work, and several other collegues also seemed to be treating me differently but I didn't know why.
I thought I'd accidentally insulted some of their artwork that they had shown me earlier on the tour or I'd been too forceful in asking for the coffee, but it seemed to me an unreasonable overreaction, and I didn't see why anyone else would have been interested.
It was only when explaining this to someone 15 years later and they started laughing that I realised the accidental insult I'd caused. I'd been oblivious to how much this person had liked me, how deeply I'd hurt them, and how much they must have disliked me afterwards.
I would never want to cause hurt like that, but I'm also aware that sometimes the social firewall is protective.
iamlindsaythatisall
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday
Probably about a year ago is when I realized that people in high school definitely found me to be obnoxious, arrogant, dumb, weird, etc… not from anyone telling me, but from me replaying things in my head and having an ah-ha moment. I’ve never been one to take hints or play games. In the moment, it never occurred to me that most people just tolerated my presence.
GafferGragz
Curious entity
I was about 6 years old when I realized I was not 'normal'. and when I read the other posts my heart just bursts with recognition and sympathy. I could be cool bc of my technical savvy or my blunt honesty, but that lasted until the early teens. And ofc I was a punching bag bc I never reacted violently in any form.
My best friend in public school, was the "Fonze", met in grade 5, still friends to this day. He has always been a ladies man. His parents lived on farm next to our's.
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Being gifted, I knew I was the "odd man out" pretty early.
I just found my tribe wherever I could.
Looking back, they were all likely ASDs.
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
Not later than first or second grade, altho I think it was earlier.
I remember that when we came in from the playground we would hang our coats up and put our boots beneath. One day it was particularly messy and the teacher had the class vote on who had the messiest boots. That person would have to clean the area up. I finished in 2nd place, to my relief. But the other kids in class told me if they'd known who each pair of boots had belonged to, they'd have voted for me instead. That hurt.
I remember asking the yard duty why nobody would play with me and getting told I just needed to try more. That hurt too.
I remember that when we came in from the playground we would hang our coats up and put our boots beneath. One day it was particularly messy and the teacher had the class vote on who had the messiest boots. That person would have to clean the area up. I finished in 2nd place, to my relief. But the other kids in class told me if they'd known who each pair of boots had belonged to, they'd have voted for me instead. That hurt.
I remember asking the yard duty why nobody would play with me and getting told I just needed to try more. That hurt too.
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Hmmm, whether or not you take up someone's offer to join them in their bed is really up to you and it's their problem if they get "hurt" by this or not. Saying no to someone isn't an insult, it's your right. You're not obliged to have sex with people to avoid insulting them, hurting their feelings etc.
This isn't necessarily about them liking you either - people often don't give a second thought to that at all and just use other people as objects for their own gratification. So this might actually be about someone wanting to take advantage of you. It happens a fair bit out there. I may be considered a bit traditional here, but trying to get another person in bed is not the best way to show you like them, respect them, want to spend more time with them etc.
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Jordy
Well-Known Member
I guess it depends on what their body language and other signals indicated before he tried to get her in the bed. If she gave of a lot interest and maybe even hints that she would be up to it, but than back out when he makes the move it could be seen as manipulative or playing with someone on her end. Like giving of hints that you like someone to get them to do favors for you (or just as a powertrip), but than declining that person when they actually make a move.Hmmm, whether or not you take up someone's offer to join them in their bed is really up to you and it's their problem if they get "hurt" by this or not. Saying no to someone isn't an insult, it's your right. You're not obliged to have sex with people to avoid insulting them, hurting their feelings etc.
This isn't necessarily about them liking you either - people often don't give a second thought to that at all and just use other people as objects for their own gratification. So this might actually be about someone wanting to take advantage of you. It happens a fair bit out there. I may be considered a bit traditional here, but trying to get another person in bed is not the best way to show you like them, respect them, want to spend more time with them etc.
Not saying that is what happened (autism makes you unaware of signals and bodylanguage), just how it could have looked from his perspective.
That's fair enough, @phantom. Just generally, I think if the person in this situation was unaware of the offer then he wouldn't have been giving out "I want you too" vibes - but from personal experience, a lot of people actually don't care whether it's reciprocated / have their heads in their own fantasy narratives and can't see reality. Women get a lot of unwanted and crass advances from people with boundary problems / narcissistic mindsets, without any invitation or sign of interest - and I'm sure that happens to men too.
Because of these issues, there's a huge sexual consent education push for Australian schools at the moment - because so much of what's happening is actually so disrespectful, and people assume all sorts of things when they shouldn't.
Because of these issues, there's a huge sexual consent education push for Australian schools at the moment - because so much of what's happening is actually so disrespectful, and people assume all sorts of things when they shouldn't.
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
Yeah, by their standards you did insult them. Of course, by your standards, you didn't have a clue about what was going on. This is what happens when you apply your own notion of what is obvious and right to someone else while thinking that it was obvious and no explanation was required.
We all do this, autistic people do it too. In this case, the NT party was the one who assumed. And it happened to be about something very intimate. I am sure I completely missed opportunities that were being presented in NT speak.
All kinds of romantic, sexual, and even economic tragedies happen because "It should have been obvious to them!" Or worse, "It seemed obvious to me!"
Many's the time an autistic person does it, as well. I've been guilty of it, thinking something was perfectly clear and obvious while the NT I was communicating with didn't have a clue what I was talking about. Assuming seems to be a part of human nature, a laziness that says, "Oh gosh, I don't want to have to explicitly explain this. It is too much effort. Or it is too embarrassing. Or if I do, I can't maintain my deniability if you take it wrong."
But there's also a saying I learned. "To assume makes an (alternative word for donkey) out of u and me."
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Au Naturel
Au Naturel
"The good old days weren't always good and tomorrow's not as bad as it seems."
Billy Joel - Keepin' the Faith.
When vip member groups become d more important? Idn.
People don't have the sparks as on the 90s early 2000. Idn.
May be getting too old, not following.
About three months into ninth grade. I kept being told “Shut up! No one cares,” literally every time I tried to say something. That really messed me up and made the depression and suicidal thoughts I developed the next three years even worse as I had no one to talk to about the thoughts and how I wanted to end it all because no one cared about me. I actually came close to doing it in class once and yet no one noticed that something was horribly wrong and that I was holding something that could have seriously hurt me and that I was just standing there motionless for twenty minutes. The school’s principal didn’t even seem to care about me all that much because he allowed the bullying to continue even though I kept complaining about it and let the one guidance counselor and school psychologist and other teachers blame me for all the bullying. It’s no wonder that I had a huge meltdown less than a month of graduating from that place and have PTSD from it. Sometimes I fantasize about crashing a class reunion and royally ruining the entire event and throw some sort of staining drink on the main mean girl of the class and flip everyone off and tell them all how I am ashamed to have never dropped out of high school as it ruined my life and that those who didn’t bully me are still part of the problem as they did absolutely nothing to stop it or see if I was even okay or even showed that at least one person cared about me. Sometimes I even wish I could set the entire school on fire and get away with it.
