When saying "I'm sorry" doesn't feel like enough

[Nadador]

Now I've done it.

I've been in a state of flux since 26 December, in and out of nonverbal shutdown. I usually send Adam home to his own place when I shut off, and he's always been very accommodating, but I'm going away for work next week so I wanted to try to keep him with me. This proved to be an error in judgement.

Last night I was entirely dysphonic, and suffering from an extreme degree of auditory sensitivity which came on very suddenly. Every sound in the room made my skin crawl. Adam was sitting in a chair reading, giving me space, and the sound of turning pages suddenly snapped me. My voice came back and I went from shutdown to full meltdown. I launched into a rage, and before I could stop myself, I went off on everything he's ever done that annoyed me. I threw things and tantrumed like I haven't done since I was twelve. I was physically menacing, which I didn't even think I had in me. I told him I'm sick of his NT bullsh*t and bodily shoved him out the door. I wasn't gentle about it, and I'm a bigger and much stronger man than he is. I didn't recognise myself. It was like I was possessed. I continued storming about after he left until I literally wore myself out. Fell asleep the moment I finally laid down. Woke up feeling like I had an axe in my skull.

Has anybody here ever just gone bonkers on their partner with no real provocation? How did you repair things?

What the hell do I do now? I rang him this morning, and he said he needs a couple of days away from me. He let me apologise and I tried to explain, but after a few minutes he very calmly said, "You'll have to do more than that, I think."

Like what?! I have to make this right. We've only just got engaged...what the hell do I do? I leave on Friday for a three-week shoot. I can't bear letting this drag out.

 

[Harrison]

Get off the forum and go to him now.

Ask him to his face what you need to do to put it right.

This wasn't about 'turning pages' so work out what the trigger was, but most of all go there now.

(or I will ban your ass)

 

[Nadador]

What if it's too soon? I know I must have terrified him. When he saw me get aggressive with a couple of blokes who made nasty comments to me while we were out one day, Adam said under his breath he would be in trouble if he ever fell afoul of me. I'm afraid my physical presence would only upset him. I was a right brute. On the phone today he said my eyes looked dead, like a machine.

I'm afraid of making things worse.

I don't even know how to begin figuring out what broke me. It could take ages.

 

[Spiller]

Get off the forum and go to him now.

Ask him to his face what you need to do to put it right.

This wasn't about 'turning pages' so work out what the trigger was, but most of all go there now.

(or I will ban your ass)

I can't agree more! Crap as I am with knowing what's the right thing to do, Adam took you on knowing your issues and loving you for them as much as for everything else you are, Nadador.
Piss off of here and get to him now!

 

[Nadador]

Thanks, both of you. I appreciate the support of my male Aspie pack.

 

[Harrison]

What if it's too soon? I know I must have terrified him. When he saw me get aggressive with a couple of blokes who made nasty comments to me while we were out one day, Adam said under his breath he would be in trouble if he ever fell afoul of me. I'm afraid my physical presence would only upset him. I was a right brute. On the phone today he said my eyes looked dead, like a machine.

I'm afraid of making things worse.

I don't even know how to begin figuring out what broke me. It could take ages.

Buddy, there is never a 'too soon', I've been there. The longer you leave it the longer he will have to doubt his position.

 

[Spiller]

My friend, if he tells you he needs some space, then you know. If you don't ask, if you don't show him you care, neither of you will know what the hell's going on!
Now Go!

 

[Nadador]

You're right. Sh*t. Better pull myself together. I'm putting some thoughts down before I go to him, but I'll do it.

I suspect it's going to take more than a day to sort this out with him. I'm such an idiot.

I'll report back.

Still open to others' thoughts on things I can say and do over the next few days. I put this here instead of directly to my two mates, here, so I could get as much feedback as possible. Major f*ck ups need major advice. Ladies' input is very welcome. You might know what Adam would like from me.

 

[Harrison]

Go to his door naked, except for the ashes you cover yourself with.

More seriously, I have been there a few times in the past and it didn't end well only because I left it too long (their words not mine). Remember, he is used to you being away, either through work or in aspie downtime, so now is the time to not be away.

Wish you well buddy.

 

[Judge]

Has anybody here ever just gone bonkers on their partner with no real provocation? How did you repair things?

Wow. Brings back some really bad memories. Very sadly, I'd have to say, "Yes".

We got back together, but I had asked her to move out and frankly I enjoyed the relationship much better with her at an arm's distance at times. Worked for me, but definitely not for her. She eventually dumped me. It wasn't until then how much I realized that I lost something so precious. And foolishly I thought such contrition would be sufficient to get her back. But she left and NEVER looked back.

Of course this was just of a few relationships for me with NT women in which neither of us were aware of a neurological gap.

The one drawback in my self-awareness of my own autism is that it haunts me as to what I might have done differently had I known of my own traits and behaviors when involved with NTs. I might have made some of the mistakes...but at least I could have explained how and more importantly WHY they happened. And that above all, whatever I said was not really how I felt in my heart. That sometimes our sensory and social issues simply get the best of us.

 

[Harrison]

The one drawback in my self-awareness of my own autism is that it haunts me as to what I might have done differently had I known of my own traits and behaviors when involved with NTs. I might have made some of the mistakes...but at least I could have explained how and more importantly WHY they happened. And that above all, whatever I said was not really how I felt in my heart.

I have those same ghosts needing to be laid to rest.

 

[Judge]

I have those same ghosts needing to be laid to rest.

Yes...I dwell on them all the time. Yet I know those relationships were lost forever a very long time ago.

I know in hindsight that contrition isn't enough. That an Aspie has to work very hard to explain themselves and depend on a certain degree of chance as to whether or not an understanding partner can truly grasp the occasional unintended consequences of our traits and behaviors.

 

[Harrison]

Yes...I dwell on them all the time. Yet I know those relationships were lost forever a very long time ago.

I know in hindsight that contrition isn't enough. That an Aspie has to work very hard to explain themselves and depend on a certain degree of chance as to whether or not an understanding partner can truly grasp the occasional unintended consequences of our traits and behaviors.

After a decade I have decided to give it one last go, this time knowing I'm and aspie. Currently I am reading every book I can find on aspie/NT relationships in the hope that I can understand better how the whole thing works. I certainly don't want to go down the roads I've travelled so often before, so, I have made it my special interest and I will damn well solve this personal puzzle.

Luckily, my partner understands me better than I understand myself, so I am jumping off that cliff and learning to fly.

 

[Spiller]

After a decade I have decided to give it one last go, this time knowing I'm and aspie. Currently I am reading every book I can find on aspie/NT relationships in the hope that I can understand better how the whole thing works. I certainly don't want to go down the roads I've travelled so often before, so, I have made it my special interest and I will damn well solve this personal puzzle.

Luckily, my partner understands me better than I understand myself, so I am jumping off that cliff and learning to fly.

Good luck my friend.. I may be tapping you for advice myself soon, if that's ok

 

[Harrison]

Good luck my friend.. I may be tapping you for advice myself soon, if that's ok

Of course (it may be the blind leading the blind though)

 

[clg114]

After a decade I have decided to give it one last go, this time knowing I'm and aspie. Currently I am reading every book I can find on aspie/NT relationships in the hope that I can understand better how the whole thing works. I certainly don't want to go down the roads I've travelled so often before, so, I have made it my special interest and I will damn well solve this personal puzzle.

Luckily, my partner understands me better than I understand myself, so I am jumping off that cliff and learning to fly.

Three things. Communication, communication and communication.

 

[Warmheart]

Yes. I agree with the wisdom of the guys. Go to him. Now's the time to:

Let Adam know that you are fully present for him. Communicate these things:
1.) Darling, I am here for you. Fully present for you.
2.) Darling, I see you there. I am truly seeing you, listening with my full being.
3.) Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you. (Just acknowledging his pain, and being there, can help heal some of it)
4.) Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best. Please help me.

Listen well, be patient, and let him know that you don't expect anything from him.

All my positive thoughts, healing energy, and well-wishes are flowing your way.
Please take extra good care of yourself right now.
Remember to breathe.

 

[Nitro]

Natador...the smartest people I know make the stupidest mistakes
Many here hold you in high esteem in your normal context,don't let us down

It is proper to regret what you have done,but more impressive if you can fix it

Your assignment from me is to do so in the best manner you can

I cannot add to the advice you have already received,but feel what what you have been told is correct.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have been on both sides of your situation with my husband. You're more than welcome to bug me about it privately, I'm none too keen on going public with the details just yet. Still a lot of negative emotions around it.

I don't pry much and I don't expect either of your to confide in me to that degree, so if there has been an underlying problem between you two, especially if it has not been previously addressed in some manner, now might not hurt to try to very gently work it out so it doesn't come up again. Was it really just a bunch of little things that can be all dealt with easily, and a simple case of "straw that broke the camel's back"? Or was it just a little thing to mask a much bigger problem eating at you?

Personally, I'd give him a few days. He's probably pretty shook up right now, if not maybe a little mad too. Then very timidly and meekly, ask if you two can sit down and try to discuss it. If he launches some personal attacks, don't take it personally. He's probably sorting through his own emotions and needs to get it off his chest. Insults aren't necessary a pure sign of dislike, sometimes they're the easiest way to express a muddled feeling and lead to a correct way of addressing an issue.

Er, I guess for future reference, don't force yourself into a building bad situation? This event in tandem with the very first time you met should be pretty good reference points in the future if you need to explain why you need some downtime when you're getting unstable.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

First of all, I feel for your pain. I've done meltdowns too.

As someone who was attacked without warning by a stronger partner once, I can also relate to Adam, although I'm not pretending that I know what he's thinking or feeling.

Have you looked at the taxonomy of an apology? What you say after I'm sorry but before you're done speaking? Here is what I've learned to do, for what it's worth:

Don't explain what you did. Explanations sound like excuses. You did what you did. Explain what you understand about its effect on Adam. The format goes like this:

1. Expression of regret. I'm sorry. I feel...(list your emotions. I'm reading/inferring shame, fear, remorse, but those are my words.).

2. Admission. (This is pretty much what you wrote, and whatever you didn't write and feel regret, etc. about.) "I (verb) you." (This is very powerful because you're explicitly acknowledging what you did and wish you hadn't. This shows a degree of self-awareness that you didn't show at the time, and is a reason for him to feel safe with you now.)

3. Can I make this right? If I can, if I may, how do I make this right? (This is conceding the equal power of your partner to judge what is so. Then it moves to asking permission--the very thing denied in the conflict--to approach. Finally it asks for help. It is humbling, and it should be humbling.)
---------------------

The problem I have as an aspie is that I need hundreds of social scripts to guide me through life's situations, but if I rely only on understanding my triggers, I'm only understanding myself. When I want to understand where a relationship is, I have to understand the relationship. I'm not saying it wouldn't be useful to understand what little sign your body was giving. I'm saying the trigger could've been as simple as breaking your routine because false logic--or fear of going without emotional support--caused an error of judgment.

And we all make those.

Dealing with the consequences is an ordeal that will bring out the best in you and remind Adam of what he loves about you--and you, what you respect about yourself.

May your unquiet heart and mind lead you to a new understanding, and deepening peace. In the name of God as you know him, her, or it, amen.