When should I tell my son he has autism?

[rainfall]

Bronzelincolns, I've thought the same but most people that know him have said to wait until he asks about it. I go back and forth but that seems too late to me. Thank you for your reply.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

Bronzelincolns, I've thought the same but most people that know him have said to wait until he asks about it. I go back and forth but that seems too late to me. Thank you for your reply.

re-reading the OP, am I right in saying that he hasn't expressed any social frustrations as of yet?

 

[Anarkitty]

I agree with "NOW."

My husband was adopted, and he says that he's pretty sure his mother whispered, "You were adopted," to him in the cradle. It was never a big deal to him because it was just something he always knew.

I think this is similar. Not talking about it and waiting for some big reveal gives it a weight that might make it seem very negative to him. People don't usually keep good news a secret, and you're probably not planning on eventually having a "Surprise! You're autistic!" party.

Telling him simply now seems better to me, maybe even a casual, "We're both a little weird because we're autistic," the next time he calls you weird, followed by mentioning that that means our brains work differently than those of most people. He doesn't exactly need brain diagrams and discussion about his amygdala just yet, just a recognition that he's different and this is why.

I wish I'd known why I was different when I was in school. I think the difference in positive vs negative is in how you treat it. If it's treated as a positive, exploring his strengths because of it, or at least as just a neutral fact, then it should be easier for him.

Last point: He's more likely to come ask questions if there's already an open dialogue between y'all about this. For many of us who didn't know until we we're adults, our differences were viewed as a defect, which made the idea of asking someone about them way more difficult than it had to be.

 

[rainfall]

Bronzelincolns, Yes, you are correct. He's kind of oblivious to the fact he's different. I think he must know it on some level but he mostly just acts himself wherever he is and talks to other kids, going right up to them, like there's no issue at all. He can only tolerate being around other kids so long but he doesn't seem to realize that he is different. Maybe it's because enough of them accept him the way he is? I'm not sure right now.

 

[rainfall]

Anarkitty, Thank you for your response. I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right. Trying not to make a big deal of it because it just is, like your husband's mother may have done with him.

That's more of how I feel. I never purposely hid it from him, he's heard the term a lot aorund doctors and others but I don't know if he's ever applied it to himself. I agree that waiting for a big reveal isn't something I planned on but I also didn't know how to say it either. With the suggestions of others and yourself, I feel more confident in how to approach it with him. I want him to know before it becomes an issue for him with others.

I agree with you here as well. I kept my weird from everyone because I realized it would be seen as a defect and already felt separated enough. I don't want him to feel that way. He knows I love and accept him the way he is and now he has others besides family who are doing the same, which I think is absolutely awesome.

 

[Xerces Blue]

so here's a story of my journey though this process.
kindergarten and first grade failed to teach to read. they had an odd method for example they had a picture of a fish blowing bubles, they said this was supposed to symbolize "Bu" as in bubbles I said it shoud be "Fa" as in Fish.
My mom put me in home schooling for the next 2 years and taught me how to read and wright.
I re entered the public school system in 3rd grade in the "challenged reading" class.
at this point something flicked a switch in my brain and I came to understand reading more easily.
by the time I finished grade school I read and understood The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Part of this was that It was something I wanted and pushed for reading and re-reading these books until I understood.
Literally taking me years. I finished 6th grade and took an IQ test resulting in a college reading level.
I jumped a Grade putting me back with my age group.
I was never popular I was bored in my english classes, I loved practical math(story problems), and the sciences.
I played the String Bass in orcistra, I understood the fingering and could follow it but I discovered I was Tone Deaf. While I could figure out if a tone was high or low I could never specify it (Still can't to this day)
But this was the first intro to frequencies.
Something that was later reinforced in electronic communications in High School.
In which we earned a HAM Radio Licence.
The same teacher taught electronics 1 and 2. both of which I benefited from.
I also took Welding 1 and 2 Building a firewood rack and a BBQ grill in addition to helping other students in their projects. - gave myself a 2nd degree burn using a plasma cutter through my gauntlets.
I loved my welding classes even though I was surrounded by A-holes It was challenging both mentally and physically.

 

[Xerces Blue]

Hands on Work has always been very rewarding for me.
After High School I worked for a family friend doing framing.
We built a 2 story office building in 3 months. just the 2 of us doing the framing and some others doing the sub contracting. This included 2 hours travel time every day. I went to work pre 5 am and got home after 6 pm every day

 

[Xerces Blue]

after this I worked in a bindery for almost a year. the only exciting thing is after 6 months or so I started doing deliveries as well. I lost this job because the public transportation system in my state is a mess and I couldn't make it from college classes to work on time even after talking to my boss about it.

 

[Matthew Behnke]

It is never too young to tell someone they are autistic, when I was 6, I further understood even though I was so young but I was glad and curious to know, but please don't tell him too late, otherwise he will grow up thinking that others do not understand him and will look for answers.

There are people who don't know they are autistic till they are at least in their late teens or even in there later life, and they don't know why they are like that all their life, and to hide it from them opens that possibility.

So overall, there is no age to tell them and it is important for their health to tell them early, if you don't, they will not further understand themselves when they grow older, they will not know why they have been ridiculed or even as far as to why they are the way they are, so it has to be said at any time.

 

[rainfall]

Xerces Blue, Thank you for your story of your journey.

 

[rainfall]

Matthew Behnke, Thank you for replying. I understand and as I said before, I don't want him to grow up the way I did thinking he is broken or there's something wrong with him. My mother said again yesterday that she was sorry that my life was so hard but there was hardly anything about Autism or Aspergers or that it was more difficult for females to get diagnosed. She said she knew I was different since I was an infant. I told her not to apologize as it wasn't her fault, but my son does have a diagnosis and help and I want him to know personally what it all means to him and that he's not broken, there's nothing wrong with him, he's just different.

 

[WolfSpirit]

As long as you explain it in positive terms for why he is different, and do so gradually, as mentioned, and don't stop explaining just because he doesn't seem interested, it will all work out. If you stop explaining entirely just because he doesn't seem interested, he may not feel he can ask when he does become interested. That's what happened to me on a different, equally significant subject with my family.

 

[Amphilyke]

No good can come from hiding it. I have met lots of people who had it hidden from them and none of them were happy that was the choice that was made. You have to tell them. It may be better to not get lost trying to figure out the best way. Generally, the best way is just going to be from the top. Do not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

[Xerces Blue]

I agree with @Amphilyke you should know how your situation can effect you.

Looking back I didn't finish my story because I passed out.

long story short I joined the military, did okay, learned a lot, family told me they thought I was an aspie, I looked into it saw that it fit and struggled with it for a couple years, accepted it decided I had to learn to deal with it and move on.

Still learning, dealing with it and moving on.

Not knowing wont help you.

 

[Ettina]

I think the best approach is to tell them early and often. Talk about it in terms they'll understand, and gradually expand on their understanding as they get older. And always talk about it as a difference that's both good and bad, rather than as something "wrong" with them.