When someone can say "I can see it" what are they seeing?

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

There is something really bothering me...

I've had some people say before I "seemed autistic" or they could "see it in me." This bothered the hell out of me. It felt like being called something, which I had no requirement to define myself as or come out as. It just bothered the hell out of me.

Now, some people engage in "masking" but the thing is I have no actual tendencies that are really out of the ordinary. I don't stim, not do I struggle in social situations. But someone might "see it in me?" There's basically no externally abnormal behavior. I don't do any stereotypical behavior.

I have described it as "It's like when someone is gay." It's subtle, I suppose. Often you cna't tell someone is gay, but sometimes you can, because of the inflection in their voice, the way they carry themselves etc. It's a "vibe" some would call.

Well, this bothers the living hell out of me. It actually scares me when people start talking about ASD that I am going to be mentioned as "seems autistic."

Can't have that! NEVER! It's a major trigger for me. The thing is it's not okay for people to just not say. If anything, I'd rather they say, because I often worry that someone would think it of me. In fact, it makes me worry a lot about people who are openly on the spectrum.

I am really big on the fact that I refuse to accept that I can't just say that no, I am not "On the spectrum" despite the fact that I may have a few "autistic qualities." If you say I am, I am just going to get into an argument about phrases like "clinically significant" and "disability."

Yeah, I have highly focused thinking sometimes, and many passions. Yes, I like to work on a lot of problems. None of this is an issue. Yes, I make less eye contact than a lot of people. Please do not label me. I will not self-define as such.


Here are the things it might be:

Voice or voice inflection? I don't know, but lets stop and think: with all the speech issues in the world, all the thick foreign accents, the unique cadences of someone's speech. How can that alone mean much? Am I a little monotone? Maybe

Eye movement/contact? I do not struggle with eye contact as some do, until it is pointed out, in which case I become really high anxiety and that's when I stop making eye contact. I don't make a ton of eye contact, but it's not absent. But I was thinking maybe the way my eyes move or something. That's somewhat involuntary. Sunglasses?

Way I move? Oh god, that would make it difficult. How does one control that? Maybe gait is an issue?

The way I react to things? Sometimes I stop and think about something in a reflective way and get a blank look on my face, and that could be it. Sometimes I show really that I am thinking hard.

Different way of thinking? When asked for a solution at work or elsewhere, it's common for mine to be very different from the others. I try to approach problems uniquely. I often have the most creative answer. That's not bad.

Some other talent? Could it be that it is because I am good at something? Someone notices I do something with ease?

Are there any techniques to use to deal with this, because it gives me anxiety in a lot of situations.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I've had some people say before I "seemed autistic" or they could "see it in me." This bothered the hell out of me.

Was the context :

You said 'I am autistic.'
They said ' I can see it in you.'

Are there any techniques to use to deal with this, because it gives me anxiety in a lot of situations

Yes.
And this can resolve most of the other issues.

But first, context

 

[Progster]

I have described it as "It's like when someone is gay." It's subtle, I suppose. Often you cna't tell someone is gay, but sometimes you can, because of the inflection in their voice, the way they carry themselves etc. It's a "vibe" some would call.

Yes, it's something like this. People pick up on body language, tone and inflections of voice being a bit different, like a "ASD-dar". They might not know it is ASD, but they know that it's different, a bit like the 'uncanny valley' effect. Not a lot you can do about it unfortunately, other than accept it - I hope that one day you will change your negative perception of autism and come to see it as an asset to be different rather than a burden, and not let it worry you too much - anxiety over it is probably going to make it worse.

 

[Frostee]

I think if you seem anxious/don't talk often, or if there is something slightly different about you. Maybe it's the way you way, or something about your face.

NT's are very intuitive, especially females.

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

Yes, it's something like this. People pick up on body language, tone and inflections of voice being a bit different, like a "ASD-dar". They might not know it is ASD, but they know that it's different, a bit like the 'uncanny valley' effect. Not a lot you can do about it unfortunately, other than accept it - I hope that one day you will change your negative perception of autism and come to see it as an asset to be different rather than a burden, and not let it worry you too much - anxiety over it is probably going to make it worse.

What is the best way to deal with this?

I have a gay friend who gives off a "gay vibe" - again, it's hard to tell what it is, but a combination of how he walks, how he talks, how he cocks his head. It's just that thing you can't really put your finger on, and that is what makes it so hard.

But there are ways that he could not seem gay. If he is trying to put on an impersonation of a rude frat boy straight type, you'd never think he was gay. He gets loud, starts intentionally looking around a lot, on purpose, walks with bigger steps. It's what he calls "being a douchebag" but it's just an act he has of stereotypical straight traits. Anyway, it sure could fool you, because it's not exaggerate. If you see him doing it, you'd assume he was a straight person who was also kind of an ass.

So what can I do on this?

If it is voice, I can talk less or be careful how I talk. I could fill my speech with throat clears, intentional pauses, coughts etc, to confound it. I could change my gate. I could try to put on an act of something else to further confound it like keep saying to myself "Ok, pretend you're being really careful you are not being followed" or something. It would introduce new things into my manner. Or maybe "Ok, now pretend you are a stereotyped loud obnoxious American"

I HATE the idea of ever being called out or even anyone thinking that! I don't let that label be put on me.

 

[BraidedPony]

It doesnt really matter if people label you as this or that or whatever. Just be yourself and if people register any of your mannerisms as ASD, or gay, or straight, or whatever label they have in their mind, then it doesnt have anything to do with you. Imagine it as just their opinion and you dont care.
Of course we do care what others think but keeping it in perspective too.
There is a thing i tell myself, just think in my mind, when i come into contact with someone hard for me to deal with...i cant say it here....but it has "and the horse you rode in on" in it!
Whether you are on the spectrum or not, i hope you can accept yourself and even like yourself and feel less anger towards other people.

 

[Monachopia]

I agree with you - it's not appropriate for others to comment on your traits and call you out on them. Same way it's not appropriate to come out and ask if someone's gay (at least in my opinion), if they want to share that information, they will. Same with autism.

Now, I've struggled with the same thing all my life, I always knew others picked up on that I was 'different' - most of my life I didn't know why this was. But at the core, no matter how much I tried to mimic others in what I perceive 'normal' behaviour, I could never replicate it. There's something about us that is quite distinct and with time, we just have to learn to accept these things. It's ok to be autistic. Do you not like to be 'called out' because you want it to be private? Is it because you want to be like everyone else? Is it because it's seen as "bad" to be different than the norm - were you conditioned to think this way?
There are a lot of questions you have to ask yourself as to why you become so agitated at the label. Maybe thinking of it less of as a label, it would be more helpful to think about it as a trait. It's part of you, it's part of your personality. You are uniquely you and that's what makes you special, autism and everything else that is in you, your experiences, your knowledge, likes, dislikes. There is nothing to fix.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it - and to be honest I'm still learning to be ok with it. I can't change me and there's no use to change for others. They either accept you or they don't. It's their loss. But, don't let anger consume you, it will eat you away before anything else will.

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

What is the advice on the idea of trying to mimic some kind of character role?

I was thinking of saying something like "get in the habit of pretending you're a cocky executive who is in an impatient mood" or the others mentioned "American tourist" or "unimpressed, judgemental poet" or something like that. Not taking it to the level of being really exaggerated.

This *seems* like it could be a way of covering one's normal manners, gate etc.

I go somewhere and try to put myself in the mindset of "Ok, now lets say I am a poet, who thinks I am great, but really is just judgemental and dismissive. I'm full of myself and think I am above this place." So perhaps now, my gait changes, such that i am walking in shorter steps. I shake my head no more. I start to squint my eyes a lot. I give short and sharp responses.

Does this make sense as a way of not being detected? Just act a character. Carry oneself as a character?

 

[Progster]

What is the best way to deal with this?

I have a gay friend who gives off a "gay vibe" - again, it's hard to tell what it is, but a combination of how he walks, how he talks, how he cocks his head. It's just that thing you can't really put your finger on, and that is what makes it so hard.

Well, as others have suggested, you could try to study and then mimick other people... but in my experience, it doesn't really work - it's exhausting and I'm not such a good actress anyway, it feels wrong and I think that people can tell that I'm putting it on. And trying to put on an act that others can see is false is worse that myself being a bit different - yes, I'm different, but at least I'm genuine. You need to accept this as a part of who you are, of your personality. All people have their own signature body language, no two people are alike; I can't recognise faces easily, but I can often recognise people from their tone of voice, their gait, the way the hold themselves, etc. so being a bit different is just another variation in the range of possible human traits that make up the general population. It's a matter of perception... yes, you're different, but so is everyone else because no two people are the same anyway.

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

No, this has happened with some very bad context twice. Once it was something about how I was autistic and should get help with it, and they were pretty negative about the connotation. But then said something about how they were autistic and "then I got help and learned how to do things." Like, they were saying they were undiagnosed and somehow getting some kind of treatment was helping them.


Another time was when I had some issues with some of my friends. I heard one of them had been saying "I always seemed autistic" and that was probably why there was a disagreement.

 

[tree]

Seems like you're asking advice on how to be inauthentic.
Because of fear and anxiety over being labeled.

 

[Progster]

No, this has happened with some very bad context twice. Once it was something about how I was autistic and should get help with it, and they were pretty negative about the connotation. But then said something about how they were autistic and "then I got help and learned how to do things." Like, they were saying they were undiagnosed and somehow getting some kind of treatment was helping them.


Another time was when I had some issues with some of my friends. I heard one of them had been saying "I always seemed autistic" and that was probably why there was a disagreement.

It sounds like you have some past trauma, which is triggered by people suggesting you may be autistic. You need to see it for what it is - trauma, which hurt but is now in the past and those people who made these comments are not worth your time, attention and energy.

 

[Monachopia]

What is the advice on the idea of trying to mimic some kind of character role?

I was thinking of saying something like "get in the habit of pretending you're a cocky executive who is in an impatient mood" or the others mentioned "American tourist" or "unimpressed, judgemental poet" or something like that. Not taking it to the level of being really exaggerated.

This *seems* like it could be a way of covering one's normal manners, gate etc.

I go somewhere and try to put myself in the mindset of "Ok, now lets say I am a poet, who thinks I am great, but really is just judgemental and dismissive. I'm full of myself and think I am above this place." So perhaps now, my gait changes, such that i am walking in shorter steps. I shake my head no more. I start to squint my eyes a lot. I give short and sharp responses.

Does this make sense as a way of not being detected? Just act a character. Carry oneself as a character?

Do you really want to 'act' your way through every single social interaction, every single moment of your life? Like with certain traits - fakeness is also detectable. The mask does slip on occasion, no matter how well you wear it. Soon you'd become exhausted with the weight of it, and suddenly when it slips, people would be even more confused and taken aback than with you just being yourself to begin with. It wouldn't work long term. Who are you trying to fool... them... or yourself?

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

Yeah, being told I was autistic was terrible. I would call being diagnosed with autism a form of gaslighting.

That's why I will never call myself autistic. What I say is "I have some autistic qualities" Why is that not fair? It's some of my qualities. Autism does not define everything about me, and so using one blanket adjective is not the best way to do it. I have some qualities of it.

I have a very negative reaction to the very word.

Basically I was going through some hard times with my career. I went to see a therapist, who was the first to determine I was on the spectrum. From there I was taught some horrible things about myself:

"It means you have bad social skills and need help with those!"
"But I always got along fine"
"No, you never have been normal. People just have been being polite"
"I don't think so"
"Yes, it's true. You've thought you had normal relationships but did not."

From there, it got worse. I had always been a very outgoing social person. I was quirky and I was prone to getting transfixed on a problem. I had other issues. But social life? No, that was fine.

Basically I was berated into accepting that I was terrible with people and it left me with a lot of social anxiety implanted into me (which I did not have before this) and it gave me a lot of doubt in myself and my ability to relate to people. I was really given a very old and rigid definition of being autistic. I don't meet it! I was patronized and treated like an idiot.

I was taught social skills that are simple and which I don't need to be taught! For example, they would say (paraphrased) "You're autistic so you need to make sure you remember that you only touch a person's body after asking permission." I'd say "Um, really? I get where you are going, but it's way more complex than that rule. I mean, if you're family and have always hugged, then it's basically ok. It's ok to shake a hand or fist bump if someone goes for it. If you're in a pre-existing relationship then there are some differences. I can walk up behind my wife and kiss her on the neck. We do that."

The response is basically "No, you need this, because you're autistic. You need to have simple rules taught."

These social instructions started to convince me that they were right. Maybe I was not capable of understanding these things? Maybe they were right when they told me that I needed to learn basic stuff like that you should not call someone on the phone at 3AM!


I would call this gaslighting.

It is why I think some people are better off not being diagnosed. Just let us be! My experience really cost me a lot of my confidence and only the past few months have I been working to re-learn to trust that I actually am naturally very social and get along with most people well.

 

[H-Kath]

asically I was going through some hard times with my career. I went to see a therapist, who was the first to determine I was on the spectrum. From there I was taught some horrible things about myself:

"It means you have bad social skills and need help with those!"
"But I always got along fine"
"No, you never have been normal. People just have been being polite"
"I don't think so"
"Yes, it's true. You've thought you had normal relationships but did not."

From there, it got worse. I had always been a very outgoing social person. I was quirky and I was prone to getting transfixed on a problem. I had other issues. But social life? No, that was fine.

Basically I was berated into accepting that I was terrible with people and it left me with a lot of social anxiety implanted into me (which I did not have before this) and it gave me a lot of doubt in myself and my ability to relate to people. I was really given a very old and rigid definition of being autistic. I don't meet it! I was patronized and treated like an idiot.

This is abuse, no wonder you don't like being called autistic!

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

Also being told really stupid things like "Okay, not everything is literally true. It's not actually raining cats and dogs. It's raining really hard. Let me explain figures of speech to you."

I actually got into a program for autism because I was absolutely convinced that I must be insane, because surely I knew this. But the message was pushed on me so hard, I started to just doubt myself so much I could not do my job or live a normal life. And before that I *had* lived a normal life. I was basically just a regular guy. I was nerdy, and I did tend to focus a lot on things, I love puzzles and I like to analyze things a lot. I think I would have said my big thing was my love for problem solving. But I also do have issues maintaining eye contact. My voice might not have much tone variation either. Sometimes I go off on a tangent on various things. Not so bad.

But none of these made it hard for me to relate to people, at least I don't think. I did have some social problems, but who does not? Don't we all get in disagreements?



I feel that "autistic qualities" is just fair to use as a term. I don't want to be "autistic" and I'll never accept that as a term to put on me. That label I reject. It made people treat me like I could not even understand sarcasm. It made me get treated like a child or lik I was dangerous. It took many years for me to accept that I am more normal than I am anything else.

 

[Tom]

There's nothing to be frightened about. Its just that humans fear that which they do not understand. We really are a fun loving bunch once you get to know us.

 

[Monachopia]

Yeah, being told I was autistic was terrible. I would call being diagnosed with autism a form of gaslighting.

That's why I will never call myself autistic. What I say is "I have some autistic qualities" Why is that not fair? It's some of my qualities. Autism does not define everything about me, and so using one blanket adjective is not the best way to do it. I have some qualities of it.

I have a very negative reaction to the very word.

Basically I was going through some hard times with my career. I went to see a therapist, who was the first to determine I was on the spectrum. From there I was taught some horrible things about myself:

"It means you have bad social skills and need help with those!"
"But I always got along fine"
"No, you never have been normal. People just have been being polite"
"I don't think so"
"Yes, it's true. You've thought you had normal relationships but did not."

The people who told you those things are generalising and trying to attach a stereotype. I'm sorry that happened and I can see why you're upset. They're pushing their own view of what autism is without knowing anything about it.

Thing is, what I've learned from this community is that we're all different. Some are better at some things than others. I know a very social ASD individual in real life - he's the life of the party most of the time, goes out all the time and seems to enjoy it very much. The only thing he lacks sometimes is understanding emotional change in someone right away - but always acknowledges and reacts fine if he's been told he read the situation wrong. He learns and everyone moves on. Not every person with autistic traits is socially awkward - and I can see how someone telling you that you SHOULD be, has made you doubt everything.

You know who you are and what you like. If someone without any knowledge except for a piece of paper from some university is trying to tell YOU what your problems are, then that's just wrong. They should be LISTENING, not trying to put you in a box. Don't let them.

 

[Jojo_LB]

While I may not agree with some of the things you said about autism and diagnosing, I will say that it is totally, completely up to each person to decide how they want to identify, what parts about their personalities, their traits, etc., make up their identities.

So if you don't want to be identified as autistic, then you are obviously free to do and say so, and should not have to feel bad about not wanting to be labeled as autistic. Besides, we all have different experiences, and most of us can definitely claim to have had a lot of negative experiences because of others' perceptions about autistic people, or people with autistic qualities.

I don't see a problem with saying, "I have autistic qualities." And I don't see a problem with your correcting someone who incorrectly identifies you in a way you yourself do not identify.

 

[Fino]

It may help with context for it to be pointed out that the creator of this thread created that thread about hating Autism called "Possible to get health care and not be diagnosed with autism?"