When someone can say "I can see it" what are they seeing?

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

Yeah, because I want help with anxiety and just to be able to get counseling if I find I need it in life etc. I don't want that damn down-talk, social therapy, dumbed down stuff. I really consider what I've been through to be pretty close to gaslighting. I just plain do not need autism help. All I need is help with stress and complicated circumstances and some confirmation that I'm doing things well. Basic talk therapy. Nothing related to autism.

As far as I feel, I think that the autistic qualities I do have are no good reason to treat me differently and there's no diminished understanding of anything.

 

[Nervous Rex]

This thread spurs a lot of thoughts, for me. I didn't get "I can see it" as an exact quote, but when my wife told her family about my dx, they said, "That explains a lot of things."

In other threads, people have asked if their autism is obvious to others, and the answer has typically been something like, "They probably think you're a little different, maybe a little odd, but they don't think much more about it." I think people can write off personality quirks easily, because everyone has their quirks.

But as soon as you slap on the autism label, then people start looking for differences and assigning them to autism. Then it becomes, "I can see it" or "that explains a lot". And they aren't going to draw the line at autism-specific quirks. Sure, stims, meltdowns, and social difficulties fit the dx, but when you tell someone you're autistic, you're going to get, "Oh, you love [Harry Potter]? That's your autism in action, right?" - never mind that some NTs are also obsessed with [Harry Potter].

I just posted in a thread of my own that I don't care if other people know I'm autistic or not. Now, I think I'm swinging back to the Need-to-Know-Only policy. I don't want my entire being judged by just one aspect of my identity (autism).

It's the same reason I don't have any bumper stickers on my car or tattoos on my body - I don't want to pick one thing and be known for just that one thing for my entire life. Sure, I like me some Star Trek, but I don't want everyone's first thought when they see me to be "trekkie." I like math, programming, and poetry. I like certain TV, movie, and book series'. But I can't pick just one of those and say, "This is all you need to know about me." I want to be known as a whole person, not a 2-dimensional caricature.

Perhaps in addition to Need-to-Know, I should add "and capable of seeing past it."

 

[Fino]

I've only told three people that I see regularly and none of them have fallen into that awful behavior so my current perception is skewed to believe that it's amazing to tell people, but since I realize it's skewed, partly due to this place and partly due to experiences with sharing other diagnoses in the past such as when my ex used my diagnoses of BPD to dismiss everything I thought, said, and felt, I know not to just start telling everyone. But it is possible for someone to actually be awesome about it, without any trace of stupidity in that regard.

I've gotten the, "Ohhhh that's why!" and I've had students who learn about autism in school ask me if I'm autistic. I've had people, who don't know anything about autism, just ask me what's wrong with me, "but not in a bad way".

 

[Aspychata]

The PO basically was told yadda yadda yadda, therefore, hang your head low for the rest of your life. But at the time of your dx, l don't think it was understood that there are many variations of us and even though you fit some shoes, you can't wear all the shoes at the Aspie store. So your shame is real, and l hope you confront your shame and kick it out the door with those shoes, because they told whatever to collect their paycheck/government funding with little regard to you and your feelings. Kick those shame thoughts to the road, continue to impress us here by unloading those "you are not okay", transition to "what the hay, l could be okay". For those politically correct people, l am not putting down hay.

 

[Aspychata]

The PO basically was told yadda yadda yadda, therefore, hang your head low for the rest of your life. But at the time of your dx, l don't think it was understood that there are many variations of us and even though you fit some shoes, you can't wear all the shoes at the Aspie store. So your shame is real, and l hope you confront your shame and kick it out the door with those shoes, because they told whatever to collect their paycheck/government funding with little regard to you and your feelings. Kick those shame thoughts to the road, continue to impress us here by unloading those "you are not okay", transition to "what the hay, l could be okay". For those politically correct people, l am not putting down hay.

 

[Streetwise]

There is something really bothering me...

I've had some people say before I "seemed autistic" or they could "see it in me." This bothered the hell out of me. It felt like being called something, which I had no requirement to define myself as or come out as. It just bothered the hell out of me.

Now, some people engage in "masking" but the thing is I have no actual tendencies that are really out of the ordinary. I don't stim, not do I struggle in social situations. But someone might "see it in me?" There's basically no externally abnormal behavior. I don't do any stereotypical behavior.

I have described it as "It's like when someone is gay." It's subtle, I suppose. Often you cna't tell someone is gay, but sometimes you can, because of the inflection in their voice, the way they carry themselves etc. It's a "vibe" some would call.

Well, this bothers the living hell out of me. It actually scares me when people start talking about ASD that I am going to be mentioned as "seems autistic."

Can't have that! NEVER! It's a major trigger for me. The thing is it's not okay for people to just not say. If anything, I'd rather they say, because I often worry that someone would think it of me. In fact, it makes me worry a lot about people who are openly on the spectrum.

I am really big on the fact that I refuse to accept that I can't just say that no, I am not "On the spectrum" despite the fact that I may have a few "autistic qualities." If you say I am, I am just going to get into an argument about phrases like "clinically significant" and "disability."

Yeah, I have highly focused thinking sometimes, and many passions. Yes, I like to work on a lot of problems. None of this is an issue. Yes, I make less eye contact than a lot of people. Please do not label me. I will not self-define as such.


Here are the things it might be:

Voice or voice inflection? I don't know, but lets stop and think: with all the speech issues in the world, all the thick foreign accents, the unique cadences of someone's speech. How can that alone mean much? Am I a little monotone? Maybe

Eye movement/contact? I do not struggle with eye contact as some do, until it is pointed out, in which case I become really high anxiety and that's when I stop making eye contact. I don't make a ton of eye contact, but it's not absent. But I was thinking maybe the way my eyes move or something. That's somewhat involuntary. Sunglasses?

Way I move? Oh god, that would make it difficult. How does one control that? Maybe gait is an issue?

The way I react to things? Sometimes I stop and think about something in a reflective way and get a blank look on my face, and that could be it. Sometimes I show really that I am thinking hard.

Different way of thinking? When asked for a solution at work or elsewhere, it's common for mine to be very different from the others. I try to approach problems uniquely. I often have the most creative answer. That's not bad.

Some other talent? Could it be that it is because I am good at something? Someone notices I do something with ease?

Are there any techniques to use to deal with this, because it gives me anxiety in a lot of situations.

you are different and autism is the flavour of the month next year it could be depression or a brain tumour

 

[Autistamatic]

I was diagnosed as autistic before most of the people here. Although my diagnostician was way ahead of the curve those I saw after gave me the same sort of ill informed advice as you've had. Suggested all the same kind of nonsense, tried to tell me I had impairments I didn't have, tried to teach me things might didn't need teaching.

There's one way to achieve the peace of mind you want but you won't get there the way you seem to think. The way of masking creates even more anxiety and will lead to you cracking up completely some way down the line.

Own it. Accept who you are and prove you are better than the labels they want to stick on you. You are living proof that autism is not what those people tried to tell you it is. You could actually do some good in the world if you stop running away from yourself and stand up to be counted, proud of who and what you are, rather than afraid of being told things you don't like. Show the naysayers how wrong they are.

I speak from experience. I masked for many years without being labelled autistic, but I still got labelled. Things that were really unpleasant. "Obsessive"', "argumentative", "negative", "disruptive", "weird" and much, much worse. Being judged as an NT that doesn't fit is much worse than being judged as an autistic that fits in better than they expect.

I'm totally out in the open now and I've never felt better about myself. Anyone who wants to judge me can just get out of my life - I don't have time for them. I have too many interesting and fulfilling things to do with my life to waste it worrying about what intolerant, ignorant and inflexible people think of me. I'm PROUD to be autistic, because it's part of who I am. It took dropping the mask to realise that, and boy am I glad I did.

 

[Thinx]

Wow @Autismatic awesome post. I do think also that people have started to notice that it's a two way street, where NTs don't understand and have difficulty communicating with us, same as we do sometimes with them. They should all go on a course in my opinion, and I am happy to plan this for them.

They need to start using more precision in the way they speak, they need to try to stop with the constant social chatter in work time, they call 'meetings', they could do with trying to extend their ability to think outside the box, also stop being such slaves to convention. They are making the world tedious, narrow, dull, lightweight, unimaginative and lacking in a sense of values. Ok, not all of them all of the time. But hey NT peeps, stop deriding us and try to learn from us.

 

[StopDiagnosingPeople]

I guess I kind of agree with the idea of being who you are, but I spent a lot of time with the idea that what I had made me a very bad friend, and it was best that I keep social interactions to a minimum. I don't understand why that was advisable but I guess it is. I get a little triggered by the A word. I actually think that I am a very warm person. I try to pride myself oh being welcoming and accepting.

I have my special passions, and my focused interests. I have some things that I feel private about. I also have some different ways of thinking. As far as I am concerned, these are private. I don't ever want to be outed as somoen different. I don't know that autism is "bad" but I would say I have been taught pretty strongly that it makes me a less competent member of the group, and I'd rather leave that one out.

I do truly wish I had never been diagnosed. What's the point if the only treatment is making someone feel stupid, shaming them? I see no reason to tell a person to socialize less. Just be yourself! I'd rather be me than be an autistic fringe person. That's the thing. I'm talking about the fact that I feel comfortable with people, and I don't want them driven away at all. I'm not anti-social at all. In fact, I sometimes love to be the center of attention.

I'd rather just not let getting called on ASD get in that way or make people think I might be a bit less accepting or harder to approach. I don't want any judgements. I just want to be me, and autism gets in the way with that.

 

[Fino]

That last sentence sums up your confusion.

And you're identifying with stereo-types. No one is telling you to be "an autistic fringe person," or to not be yourself. In order to be yourself, just relax and be yourself. You may be overthinking it.

I've spent close to two decades being shamed and told I'm different and weird. I'm also not anti-social at all and am often the center of attention.

Some facts to throw out there are:
-Being shamed isn't a reason to feel ashamed
-Being told you're weird isn't a reason to feel you're weird
-Being told you're different isn't a reason to feel you're different

Those are all the same thing!

I once knew a guy, a scary footballer player (so cliche), when I was in high-school, and he was the most verbally abusive person I've ever known. Most of the things he said to me would be edited out by moderators--long, disturbing speeches filled with insults, threats, descriptions of violence, saying he hates me. No clue why. A friend recently hypothesized he was in love with me LOL but the point is he would rant literally for a full minute or two, and I don't remember the majority of the things he said because they didn't mean anything to me. Nobody's insults mean anything to me. You walk away knowing who you are just as you did before they opened their mouth.

When you say Autism gets in the way of being yourself, you're tripping over your own feet. You will certainly continue to struggle until you accept it as a part of you. That doesn't mean it defines you or that it is you, just that it's a part of you.

 

[Monachopia]

@StopDiagnosingPeople I'm sorry if I missed this information, but how long ago were you diagnosed? I know it came up as a separate issue while you were seeking treatment for something else... But, if it was relatively recently, then I understand your anger. I was very angry at first too. Confused. I lost a sense of who I was for quite some time. Questioned everything. My anxiety went out of control.

I see you are longing for the person you were before the diagnosis. You still are that person. Just temporarily there is something else thrown in the mix - but it does not change who you have always been. 'The only way out is through' - as they say. It's ok to have this be a part of you, if you don't pay it much attention, neither will anyone else.

 

[Streetwise]

Wow @Autismatic awesome post. I do think also that people have started to notice that it's a two way street, where NTs don't understand and have difficulty communicating with us, same as we do sometimes with them. They should all go on a course in my opinion, and I am happy to plan this for them.

They need to start using more precision in the way they speak, they need to try to stop with the constant social chatter in work time, they call 'meetings', they could do with trying to extend their ability to think outside the box, also stop being such slaves to convention. They are making the world tedious, narrow, dull, lightweight, unimaginative and lacking in a sense of values. Ok, not all of them all of the time. But hey NT peeps, stop deriding us and try to learn from us.

please start selling the course very soon !!!!I am shattered from trying to educate neuro typicals in autism speak