When someone says "I never said that" or "I don't remember saying that..."

[Fridgemagnetman]

Maybe it's not such a bad thing to lack a strong/fixed/internalized from-the-outside-in-type self-image like other people have

An advantage of asd maybe, I agree

 

[Bolletje]

To those of you who are able to let it go: I admire that quality, I wish I could master it. I generally have a calm and friendly disposition, but I am instantly filled with white hot rage when someone tells me I didn’t say something I’m sure I did say. It makes me feel like I’m either not being listened to, or being called a liar. It’s the last bit that makes me so enraged.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

To those of you who are able to let it go: I admire that quality, I wish I could master it. I generally have a calm and friendly disposition, but I am instantly filled with white hot rage when someone tells me I didn’t say something I’m sure I did say. It makes me feel like I’m either not being listened to, or being called a liar. It’s the last bit that makes me so enraged.

You know, I may be calmer , but it is only with my father, because I know him and I know what he does almost perfectly I can predict him, so ofc when he tries to ******** me I know he is lying.

But if someone that I dont realy know does the same, I may fall to the trap again and either be pissed or even believing that person. it depends also on the ability of the liar to do it with some finesse.

 

[Lichi]

To those of you who are able to let it go: I admire that quality, I wish I could master it. I generally have a calm and friendly disposition, but I am instantly filled with white hot rage when someone tells me I didn’t say something I’m sure I did say. It makes me feel like I’m either not being listened to, or being called a liar. It’s the last bit that makes me so enraged.

That’s why you make it clear to them you still believe you are right, but won’t argue over it.

I make sure people know that my truth is my truth and no one can take that away from me.

 

[Gracey]

To those of you who are able to let it go: I admire that quality, I wish I could master it. I generally have a calm and friendly disposition, but I am instantly filled with white hot rage when someone tells me I didn’t say something I’m sure I did say. It makes me feel like I’m either not being listened to, or being called a liar. It’s the last bit that makes me so enraged.

Nothing is let go of.
In agreeing to disagree both parties still hold firm their belief of what did or didn’t happen.

Usually a point reached, that doesn’t go any further. It ends at agreeing to disagree.

Like you, the insinuation that I’ve lied just for another to save face (at my expense) or a person playing on the fact that my memory is a bit hit and miss occasionally can trigger a fury you would have to see to believe.

I will not let it drop until the other party is verbally beaten into submission and admits they lied.

It takes me a little while to get over the intensity of that fury and experience has shown everyone gets embarrassed.

AgreeIng to disagree cuts all of that out.

 

[Mary Terry]

Tape record or video them with your cell phone. If you can't get their statements on tape, then immediately send a confirmatory, detailed email or text to them about what was said. Copy pertinent other people on the email/text if you need to.

This advice was given to me by my narcissistic father's psychologist.

 

[paloftoon]

The person you are describing could be narcissistic and not even realize what they are doing. If there is disagreement, do what you can to make sure they are not disrespecting you as a person. It gets real tricky when they say things and do things that show they do care about you as a person. Especially if it's a close family member.

The best solution to a caring narcissist relative is to be as independent of them as you can, keep improving yourself, but to allow said person in your residence if they purchased it for you. If they are yelling at you uncontrollably for something ridiculously small or constantly bantering you, walk out for a few hours and then come back in. If they don't stop, repeat this process as long as you can. While you're out, try to visit a friend or do another activity for a few hours if possible. I wouldn't wait for more than a few hours because that will just exacerbate the problem. It's a difficult balance, and this is exactly what I have to deal with right now. Only difference is instead of following like a robot and unconsciously let it dictate my life and act inappropriately, I have been working on overcoming it and becoming a better person.

 

[Metalhead]

This is a situation I have got myself into. I would rather not elaberate. I would just like to know how to respond, because in fact, they did say what I am "accusing" them of saying. The trouble is, that all I can think of are sentances that will cause more contention and I really just want to end what ever is going on.

I did say to just forget it, because of the type of character this person is ie a very strong one, but the person kept insisting that the words were not spoken or they have no memory of it or even that I am not making sense. Yet, the words are as clear as could be in my head and I KNOW that I am not imagining it.

I get that a lot from my mother. It used to annoy the hell out of me because I assumed it had to do with my diagnosis, until I realized she was getting a lot of that from her mother, so who knows how many generations this has been going on?

I feel your frustration, though.

 

[Suzanne]

Thanks so much for ALL taking your time to answer my thread.

Just to say, that it is not a family member; but nether the less someone I have no choice but see each week.

As it happens, I feel that in so many quarters, I am the one who is made to feel in the wrong and yet, it was this person who, with consistancy, ignores me.

I have been mediating on this, because throughout my growing up years, I have come across females doing this, that has caused me to FEAR being around my own sex, because any minute they are going to say something that will cause that sensation of: oh no, not again!

The trouble with me is that I am so hyperaware, I can see every little look and hear every little sound and I suppose this is because there was a time, in my childhood and teenagerhood, that I was the opposite and thus, I have become too good at it now and it is a bane.

I am a person that wants to be friendly with everyone; but it seems that many are of a different mind and will manipulate their standing to get away with subtle nasties and so, I find myself taking on the stance of an UNFRIENDLY person, as I am often told by my husband and yet, he also noticed this particular occasion that shows I am not THAT paranoid.

So, it is others who insist it is MY problem and deal with it, that gets me enraged ( happily, thanks to medicine, a calm rage - and yes, does exist lol), and a sense of new feelings surging, when I had made up my mind how to deal with it.

The positive aspect is that now she knows that I KNOW that she is not all that, I can ease off on the pretence of trying to befriend her.

My husband does not get that I would rather she say to my face: I don't like you, than just ignore me. In fact it confounds him that I would want the bold statement. But what he does not get is that to me, it is no mystery if someone doesn't like me, as I struggle with that one every day and thus, they are CONFIRMING my own sentiment and in a small moment in time, I might say: thanks a lot of the confirmation!

Oh and I have tried: let's agree to disagree, but sadly has not worked. But perhaps it will now, because of my medicine that calms my anger issues down.

 

[FlowerChild]

I've had this happen so often throughout my life, that I often wonder... Is my aspie memory so different to an NT's that I can remember things people have said or done in almost 'photographic' or 'videographic' detail, long past when NT's forget they've ever said or done them? I know sometimes people will 'gaslight' and try to change your reality for their own manipulative benefit in an argument. But sometimes I think they genuinely don't remember. I've always had a sense that I remember things a lot longer and in a lot greater detail than the average person. Sometimes somebody will deny ever saying something, but I can say 'The conversation happened in [this place], we had just done [this activity], you were wearing [this] and I was wearing [that], and that day we had eaten [meal]. We started talking about this because [...]' and so on and so forth. The memory to me is clear as day, but they've long since forgotten. Sometimes the NT will get really upset as if I am accusing them of (now) lying about saying something they genuinely believe they didn't say; however, my own memory of the entire 'context' and not just the actual words gives me great confidence that this is a valid and legitimate memory. Anyone else?

 

[Gracey]

Sometimes, yes.

It’s only when they need reminding.

The detail can sometimes help jog their memory.
The more detail about that ‘moment’ the more likely they might remember.

 

[Suzanne]

And again, here I am responding. ALL IS GOOD with this person.

This person suffers from ABSENTMINDEDNESS and my hyperawareness translates it as ignoring or snubbing.

This person actually suggested to partner that they offer me a lift to a funeral. I accepted the lift and although it was way out of my comfort zone, I did ok. My clumsiness came full on board; both physical and speech and often I embarrassment myself, but it is all good now between us.

 

[Suzanne]

I've had this happen so often throughout my life, that I often wonder... Is my aspie memory so different to an NT's that I can remember things people have said or done in almost 'photographic' or 'videographic' detail, long past when NT's forget they've ever said or done them? I know sometimes people will 'gaslight' and try to change your reality for their own manipulative benefit in an argument. But sometimes I think they genuinely don't remember. I've always had a sense that I remember things a lot longer and in a lot greater detail than the average person. Sometimes somebody will deny ever saying something, but I can say 'The conversation happened in [this place], we had just done [this activity], you were wearing [this] and I was wearing [that], and that day we had eaten [meal]. We started talking about this because [...]' and so on and so forth. The memory to me is clear as day, but they've long since forgotten. Sometimes the NT will get really upset as if I am accusing them of (now) lying about saying something they genuinely believe they didn't say; however, my own memory of the entire 'context' and not just the actual words gives me great confidence that this is a valid and legitimate memory. Anyone else?

Oh wow, this is so me! It is very hard to think the person is not lying and even now, despite this person looking me in the eye and saying that they do not hate or dislike me etc, little bits of me are thinking: but what about this or that etc?

I just have to close my eyes and see in my mind's eye and it all comes back. I see myself texting to this person and what I said etc and as you say, it is obvious it has been forgotten.

It is sad that a good long term memory is wonderful. I disagree in many ways.

 

[Cactus]

You can't change another persons behavior or beliefs, only influence them. Walk away from the situation, it's not worth the aggravation.

 

[Slim Jim]

I would say..."well I have a really great memory, when it comes to what people say...I remember exactly what you said that day, you said this...and after that...this and this and this... and then you went and did this......remember? "

Me: (not fazed)