When the S/O is your life-raft...

[kblackbird]

I just got done attending a very LARGE wedding. Now, a group of small people I feel like everyone is staring. A large group of people and I'm easily overwhelmed, and it feels like a person three feet away is standing immediately next to me.
I smile even past my face hurting, because I'm terrified. It's more like baring my teeth but others think it's a "lovely smile".

To get to the point - I was vastly overwhelmed, fidgeting with my bracelet, constantly pulling at my dress (my wardrobe consists nearly 24/7 of super soft t-shirts, soft dark jeans, and Chuck Taylors), couldn't lean back in my seat (anxious), staring at the ceiling/fixtures, only chiming into conversation (rarely) when my own interests were relevant, and other quirks. I felt embarrassed of myself yet I can't get myself to stop. I had to step out and breathe. I ended up crying twice out of panic/stress/being overwhelmed. I don't happy-cry at weddings or movies, don't get why others do unless it's their own event.

But my husband was extremely supportive. He walked outside with me to make sure I remembered to breathe. He made sure I was a comfortable distance away from people to relax. He didn't enter my personal space when I was panicked and rocking. He got me to laugh when I finally stopped my crying. He made sure we left as soon as it was socially acceptable, and bridged what I felt was an exceeding gap between me and people. He accompanied me to the restroom door through crowds. He spoke to me with consideration and care when I couldn't hear/understand others' words. I apologized profusely to my husband and he told me he would accept no apologies, because there was nothing to apologize for.

We have been friends for over ten years, dated for three, and have been married for almost two years. I honestly don't know how I could grasp certain situations without him. I am a very lucky person, though I have not always been.

Does anyone else have experiences or stories like this with their S/O? Tales of their undying support when you're at your worst? Do you ever think they'll get sick of it?

 

[NTgirl4276]

I'm so sorry to hear that the wedding put you in a difficult position, but I'm overjoyed that your husband was able to be there for you in the ways that you needed. not only are you very lucky to have his support, but he is very lucky to have your recognition and appreciation of his support.

while I don't know the both of you personally, I would venture a guess that his ability to support you is balanced in your ability to support him in his times of unique need as well. what may seem possibly "tiring" to you is likely just how he expresses and exercises his love, just as you probably express your care for him in certain ways. yes, loving can sometimes be tiring, but when we receive it back, we are renewed with energy.

just wanted to say that this was a lovely post to read first thing in the morning.

 

[Tom]

Hi,
No they don't have to tire of you, because they definately liked/loved you as you are. But never stop growing the relationship, never stop discussing things and trying to find ways you can be more supportive and helpful of them too. Think of it as a 50-50 partnership, and work on yourself to always be willing to change or do things to satisfy their needs too. I'm Aspie, my wife's NT and we are coming up on 30th year of marriage. An ASD/NT marriage is not the type you can just sit back and coast with. You must always keep some youthful willingness to experiment.

 

[Progster]

Usually I don't stay long at weddings, I stay an hour or so and then leave. If I can't leave, I go and take a walk outside. I don't like weddings; they are way too loud for me and boring. They are supposed to be entertaining but aren't. I don't talk to anyone because I can't hear what people are saying over the music, so I just sit there. I soon get tired and bored, and go home on my own. I also hate the smoke. My partner doesn't mind this, and he can see that I'm unhappy and uncomfortable. In fact, nobody seems to mind, or really care what I do anyway. Weddings are always the same every time, and unless something suddenly changes or unexpected happens I'm unlikely to get upset or panic. Just bored and tired from the constant loud music and extremely irritated by being forced to breathe in people's smoke. Earplugs help.

 

[Beverly]

I have a good friend, and ex band mate that is like that for me. He has covered for me in interviews, at ceremonies, banquets, weddings, funerals, etc... He knows I great on stage where it can't get personal and, terrible when it gets personal unless it's scripted interviews, then I'm fine.

Several times he has pretended to be my boyfriend just so no one would hit on me - I hate that and, usually tell them off in no uncertain terms if they hit on me. He pretended to be my partner and politely stopped any advances toward me before I got irritated and let fly with verbal sewage at them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye, you're a very lucky lady.

My husband and I are still working on getting him adjusted to a lot of my oddities. Our big breakthrough recently was me figuring out a hand signal I can give him in the mornings so he knows when I can't talk to him when my stupid throat "closes up".

 

[kblackbird]

not only are you very lucky to have his support, but he is very lucky to have your recognition and appreciation of his support.

I try to tell him as often as possible that I appreciate what he does, and I also tell him I will try my best never to take him for granted. I do what I can to verbalize, so chaos doesn't happen.

while I don't know the both of you personally, I would venture a guess that his ability to support you is balanced in your ability to support him in his times of unique need as well.

I hope I am able to give him equal exchange, but I feel as if what he does for me isn't able to be matched because it's so very valuable.

just wanted to say that this was a lovely post to read first thing in the morning.

Thank you. That was an unintended purpose but a very good one, so I'm glad it happened.

 

[kblackbird]

Hi,
No they don't have to tire of you, because they definately liked/loved you as you are. But never stop growing the relationship, never stop discussing things and trying to find ways you can be more supportive and helpful of them too. Think of it as a 50-50 partnership, and work on yourself to always be willing to change or do things to satisfy their needs too. I'm Aspie, my wife's NT and we are coming up on 30th year of marriage. An ASD/NT marriage is not the type you can just sit back and coast with. You must always keep some youthful willingness to experiment.

We talk a lot. Vastly, compared to my past relationships. We are very comfortable with being extremely open with each other, and it sometimes surprises people. We try different things, and I am willing to put myself through my worst fears just for him.

He's not NT, not really sure what the term would be for him. He lacks physical feeling for many things, has some Aspie traits, has some sociopathic traits (like at the wedding - he doesn't like social gatherings but they don't scare him, or make him anxious, or make him feel claustrophobic, etc. He feels null, but would rather be home reading/gaming). He's ridiculously intelligent but can also fit in really well.

 

[kblackbird]

Usually I don't stay long at weddings, I stay an hour or so and then leave. If I can't leave, I go and take a walk outside. I don't like weddings; they are way too loud for me and boring. They are supposed to be entertaining but aren't. I don't talk to anyone because I can't hear what people are saying over the music, so I just sit there. I soon get tired and bored, and go home on my own. I also hate the smoke. My partner doesn't mind this, and he can see that I'm unhappy and uncomfortable. In fact, nobody seems to mind, or really care what I do anyway. Weddings are always the same every time, and unless something suddenly changes or unexpected happens I'm unlikely to get upset or panic. Just bored and tired from the constant loud music and extremely irritated by being forced to breathe in people's smoke. Earplugs help.

I guess I'm paranoid about what others are thinking, I'm hypersensitive and over-vigilant around most people.

Thankfully, there was no smoke. However, there were drunken people which was obnoxious.

I will have to try earplugs if we're ever stuck going to another event, thank you for the idea!

 

[kblackbird]

I have a good friend, and ex band mate that is like that for me. He has covered for me in interviews, at ceremonies, banquets, weddings, funerals, etc... He knows I great on stage where it can't get personal and, terrible when it gets personal unless it's scripted interviews, then I'm fine.

Several times he has pretended to be my boyfriend just so no one would hit on me - I hate that and, usually tell them off in no uncertain terms if they hit on me. He pretended to be my partner and politely stopped any advances toward me before I got irritated and let fly with verbal sewage at them.

He sounds like a perfect friend!

 

[kblackbird]

Aye, you're a very lucky lady.

My husband and I are still working on getting him adjusted to a lot of my oddities. Our big breakthrough recently was me figuring out a hand signal I can give him in the mornings so he knows when I can't talk to him when my stupid throat "closes up".

Thank you.

I might have to try the idea of a planned hand signal. I'm used to having to force speech because of how I was raised.

It amazes me that there's wonderful (though rare) people that come along and are understanding like your husband is.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Thank you.

I might have to try the idea of a planned hand signal. I'm used to having to force speech because of how I was raised.

It amazes me that there's wonderful (though rare) people that come along and are understanding like your husband is.

Yours too. Nice guys don't finish last, they just haven't been commandeered by an Aspie yet.

Do you lose your voice in the morning too or are yours normal and related to shutdowns? I have a lot of weird aches in the morning, one of which makes it feel like my chest and throat are in a vice, and it's exhausting and painful having to talk. After some awkward and tense misunderstandings, I finally figured out the gesture thing to save him some hassle.

 

[kblackbird]

Yours too. Nice guys don't finish last, they just haven't been commandeered by an Aspie yet.

Do you lose your voice in the morning too or are yours normal and related to shutdowns? I have a lot of weird aches in the morning, one of which makes it feel like my chest and throat are in a vice, and it's exhausting and painful having to talk. After some awkward and tense misunderstandings, I finally figured out the gesture thing to save him some hassle.

It's sometimes in the morning, sometimes during shutdowns, but the most common instance for me is what my sister and I have termed "zoning". She and I both do it, and it consists of staring unblinkingly at no particular thing with no speaking. Admittedly, it feels amazing on, well, on all levels. It's both calming and has the same effect as satisfaction/pleasure/happiness.

During the day when I'm home with just my dogs, I can go without speaking for hours on end. Anywhere from 5 to 12 hours. However I'm not always like that and will talk to myself or my pets.

So not-speaking isn't an unpleasant experience for me, it isn't because of pains (unless mental pain of a shutdown). Being jolted from not-speaking-ness is what is most unpleasant, because it's a brainspace.

 

[Progster]

I guess I'm paranoid about what others are thinking, I'm hypersensitive and over-vigilant around most people.

Thankfully, there was no smoke. However, there were drunken people which was obnoxious.

I will have to try earplugs if we're ever stuck going to another event, thank you for the idea!

Going out for a short walk can help too

I understand. My family and friends know that I have these problems, and that it's normal for me to a) not talk b) get up and go out for a walk or c) leave early. I've been doing this for years and nobody seems to mind or think it unusual if I do. In the country where I live in Southern Europe, it's up to you to join in a conversation, and if you don't, people will just continue on talking among themselves and leave you alone. They don't really care whether you're a part of the conversation or not, and make no effort to include you. In other countries, when they see that someone isn't joining in, they make an effort to try to include them because it's considered impolite to leave someone out of the conversation, but not here. It's not a bad thing, because I find it hard to make conversation anyway, and I can't hear over the background noise. I'd rather not talk. So I rarely talk and just sit there. It's all rather pointless, really. I much prefer to stay at home. My biggest issue is sensitivity issues, and boredom. I can't even listen to my own music

 

[AsheSkyler]

It's sometimes in the morning, sometimes during shutdowns, but the most common instance for me is what my sister and I have termed "zoning". She and I both do it, and it consists of staring unblinkingly at no particular thing with no speaking. Admittedly, it feels amazing on, well, on all levels. It's both calming and has the same effect as satisfaction/pleasure/happiness.

During the day when I'm home with just my dogs, I can go without speaking for hours on end. Anywhere from 5 to 12 hours. However I'm not always like that and will talk to myself or my pets.

So not-speaking isn't an unpleasant experience for me, it isn't because of pains (unless mental pain of a shutdown). Being jolted from not-speaking-ness is what is most unpleasant, because it's a brainspace.

Zoning out is definitely a bit pleasurable. Very relaxing.
I'm not sure why it's looked down on. If you're not doing anything important, what does it matter if you space out?

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi kblackbird ,Weddings are are a little slice of auti hell on earth. I have had shut downs at weddings, meltdowns, I even mistook a bridesmaid for a the bride and totally creeped her out. I skipped one of my brothers weddings because I didn't know the bride and all of her friends and family were strange people not from my church. For me weddings are like being locked in a room full possibly rabid Black cats...no way it's going to end well.

 

[kblackbird]

Hi kblackbird ,Weddings are are a little slice of auti hell on earth. I have had shut downs at weddings, meltdowns, I even mistook a bridesmaid for a the bride and totally creeped her out. I skipped one of my brothers weddings because I didn't know the bride and all of her friends and family were strange people not from my church. For me weddings are like being locked in a room full possibly rabid Black cats...no way it's going to end well.

I am pretty good at hiding it all inside or going where no one can see me to freak out. My family was extremely strict for certain things of "not allowed". And being that I'm from the South in the US, doubly so. Which created worse traits in other areas of my life/behaviour/mind.

 

[Maelstrom]

Yikes! I never thought about how difficult it may be down south for aspies and auties, with things being so prim and proper, and the family honor on the line. My condolences to you...I hope you find a way to survive kblackbird . Best wishes to you on your life journey from Mael.

 

[Beverly]

Yeah, the south is not pleasant, especially if you happen to be unfortunate enough to be considered gentry, or even new gentry. It's no more forgiving than my public life was, as I learned the hard way after moving down here. People are very cliquish and, they do not readily welcome outsiders nor differences.

I've made a place in the local hierarchy but only because I was fortunate enough to befriend a former senator soon after moving here.

He happens to own half of the road I live on, the other have is owned by another gentry family and, my daughter married into that family a year after I moved here thus, bringing me into one of the old gentry families.

Basically gentry gets away with anything while the lower classes suffer under them and, were it not for two fortunate turns of fate, I'd still be fighting for my place here, as it is, I'm accepted, respected and otherwise ignored which is nice. Of course that is conditional on me attending the "proper" events and, being respectably sociable to the rest of the gentry when we do meet, and verbally upholding the feud between the two families on this road. Privately friends with both, publicly denouncing the senator's family and disliking their business practices. As I am oft reminded, the Hatfield's and McCoy's are still feuding, just the names have changed.

Now actually acting as if you have ASD in public, well that's instant relegation to the lower ranks regardless of birth or marriage, as is any other non physical perceived problem or deficiency. The only escape is, as it is for celebrities, rehab and apparently cured, or at the least corrected properly.

Most here still think mental illness AD(H)D, ASD etc.. are simply bad parenting and a firmer hand would or would have corrected the problem. I know better but undoing deep rooted "Southern Wisdom" is next to impossible. Unfortunately for kids here, very often parents attempt to correct them via the firmer hand method. I can only imagine that growing up under that would be no better than my own less than stellar childhood.

 

[Maelstrom]

Yeah, the south is not pleasant, especially if you happen to be unfortunate enough to be considered gentry, or even new gentry. It's no more forgiving than my public life was, as I learned the hard way after moving down here. People are very cliquish and, they do not readily welcome outsiders nor differences.

I've made a place in the local hierarchy but only because I was fortunate enough to befriend a former senator soon after moving here.

He happens to own half of the road I live on, the other have is owned by another gentry family and, my daughter married into that family a year after I moved here thus, bringing me into one of the old gentry families.

Basically gentry gets away with anything while the lower classes suffer under them and, were it not for two fortunate turns of fate, I'd still be fighting for my place here, as it is, I'm accepted, respected and otherwise ignored which is nice. Of course that is conditional on me attending the "proper" events and, being respectably sociable to the rest of the gentry when we do meet, and verbally upholding the feud between the two families on this road. Privately friends with both, publicly denouncing the senator's family and disliking their business practices. As I am oft reminded, the Hatfield's and McCoy's are still feuding, just the names have changed.

Now actually acting as if you have ASD in public, well that's instant relegation to the lower ranks regardless of birth or marriage, as is any other non physical perceived problem or deficiency. The only escape is, as it is for celebrities, rehab and apparently cured, or at the least corrected properly.

Most here still think mental illness AD(H)D, ASD etc.. are simply bad parenting and a firmer hand would or would have corrected the problem. I know better but undoing deep rooted "Southern Wisdom" is next to impossible. Unfortunately for kids here, very often parents attempt to correct them via the firmer hand method. I can only imagine that growing up under that would be no better than my own less than stellar childhood.

Hi Beverly , I hope you are doing okay? You have done far better than me in life, I had huge dreams when younger somehow family and fate managed to ruin them all. But at the end of the day I still like me, even if I'm a little lonely sometimes. As a PK I know what you are talking about on the church family thing I have seen the carnage of conservitivism without love or balance. But they don't own God or the church, and sooner or later you have to figure your way of making it work. You seem very smart I think you could find a better way, that was still your way. I walk a fine line on how much to say here...I understand how hard life is all to well...have my back to the wall on both plains...it is not good at all...my only advice for what its worth...is the only way to squeeze out the bad is to keep pouring in more good. Best wishes to you I wish I could say more...but I'm already on the razors edge.