When to tell potential date that you're Autistic?

[Markness]

They totally got it--they need to quit holding out on all the lonely ladies out there. They will do fine.

I am not sure what you mean by holding out. If it means I need to look. I haven’t encountered any lonely ladies in my neck of the woods. They usually have boyfriends or are married. I missed out and only loneliness is waiting for me until I exit this life.

 

[Gerontius]

I am not sure what you mean by holding out. If it means I need to look. I haven’t encountered any lonely ladies in my neck of the woods. They usually have boyfriends or are married. I missed out and only loneliness is waiting for me until I exit this life.

I'm halfway joking, but 100% serious about going to look around and find people you like. I'm talking to people halfway across the U.S. because the Internet is awesome.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

They totally got it--they need to quit holding out on all the lonely ladies out there. They will do fine.

What lonely ladies. At Church only couples said high to me. Single girls group up in a clique so you can't even talk to them.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am not sure what you mean by holding out. If it means I need to look. I haven’t encountered any lonely ladies in my neck of the woods. They usually have boyfriends or are married. I missed out and only loneliness is waiting for me until I exit this life.

Preach it. I know exactly what you mean. There are none around me anyway then when they group up like a clique you can't even approach them. But the couples will come to you like flies.

 

[VictorR]

Preach it. I know exactly what you mean. There are none around me anyway then when they group up like a clique you can't even approach them. But the couples will come to you like flies.

Have you considered that rather than that those in a relationship already are friendly, that rather, it's that because of their friendliness and outgoing personality that they have already attracted someone.

And if there's a bunch of singles in a group, it could well be possible it's because they're a singles group, and they're there not to just hang out with each other, but to watch out for another.

If you are seeking a relationship (be it platonic or romantic), ask yourself:
1) What do I bring to the table that a potential friend or partner might like?
2) Am I projecting that, and if not, how can I do so?

And as several, including myself have mentioned, don't be afraid to look outside your neighbourhood. If it's meant to me, distance isn't going to be a barrier.

If I may close with a quote from a book I recently read, which has been offered many times as advice here (but now it's coming from a young lady):

I think putting time and effort into something shows you how to stay committed to something and remain focused and determined. People without goals and aspirations are very boring, in my opinion. I think achievements bring a lot of joy to us and are something we can share with another person.

And remember, one step at a time.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Haven't found this to be the case. If we're that bloody UGLY, then I shouldn't even have to ask whether or not to tell. No, I find girls don't mind me at all--and since autism is frequently hereditary I guess other girls & other guys didn't mind too much either.

i met a girl on the subway train.somehow,she didn't mind how severely awkward i appeared to her upon eye-contact,because i shook my head at her because of how beautiful she appeared to me upon eye-contact also.depite that,i continue to avoid her upon eye-contact like a ninja,the same way I do to any other woman because of that.

 

[Judge]

One month into the relationship: "But wait! Come back! I was only kidding!"

One year into the relationship: "Now perhaps you can better understand me."

 

[Aspychata]

Funny thing is, l was trying to learn about someone because l liked him and wound up here and found myself. (Kudos to him☺) The gift he gave to me was shut-up, listen to the silence. That was a great gift. The second gift, is we can be our self, another relief. This capsized my life thinking but also brought peace.

Myself, l don't connect well and therefore it's a issue l just accept. Because being older, it feels safer to stay alone. As you age, it seems the target stamp grows bigger and bigger on my back, which keeps me home alot more these days. Too many unemployed men in my state looking for babysitters, um - no to the no can do. And closeness feels threatening to me. Something that is a bit of an issue still after a 18 year marriage. Already raised one child, l am on hiatus from that pony ride.

 

[Christian]

I would actually like someone that have Asperger, most people either not understand what is to have autism or totally dismiss it, at least I would have a common ground, and she would understand why I cant express certain emotions, like she does, but living in a little town in the middle of nowhere really make it hard, now I become a lone wolf, after so many rejections in my teenage years I give up at the idea of having a "romantic" relationship with someone.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never me my wife until I was in my twenties concentrated on my studies could not afford to date even if I wanted too. my wife has a inner beauty which matches her outer beauty which she did not see I was able to see both which I suspect is why I was able pick her up. never needs to or has wore makeup.

 

[Gerontius]

Well! for the sake of closure I thought I could at least throw this out there.

Girl halfway across America decided no but a girl the next state over decided yes and very emphatically yes. I do believe she is also on the spectrum, though undiagnosed as of yet. She is an advocate for disabled and neurodivergent folks & didn't find the whole autism thing to be a problem really.

I also am pretty well convinced I am either asexual or grey-ace at this point. She isn't too worried about that either.

Life is good but the inevitable decision to pursue matrimony or continue in single celibate life is going to be very, very difficult indeed. However the question of whether or not to tell the girl about autism turned out, in this case, to be no real bother at all, and for that I'm quite thankful.

 

[Au Naturel]

Assuming it lasts, thirty years down the road you will still not understand each other completely.

Simply telling her you're on the spectrum won't mean a thing to her if she doesn't understand what being on the spectrum means. So the first question is whether she has a clue about ASD. If she does, you can proceed from there.

If she doesn't, choose your words wisely because if you say you're autistic and you are lucky, her mind will flit to Sheldon Cooper If you aren't, it will flit to "Rain Man." Or it may flit to utter uncomprehension or the kid in special ed class who kept screaming and covering his ears. Since most people think of autism as a major disability, you might say you have a 'touch" of autism or Asperger's, depending on which term she is familiar with.

Presumably if you stuck together for a while, she will know your traits and behaviors. You can then point out certain of your traits and explain to her "That's the autistic side of me."

I'll jokingly tell my wife, "That's my inner Sheldon coming out." She'll tell me that I can be "Such a Leonard!" It works for us - but only because I don't take such things seriously. Life is to be laughed at, even if you accomplish nothing else.

 

[Markness]

I'm halfway joking, but 100% serious about going to look around and find people you like. I'm talking to people halfway across the U.S. because the Internet is awesome.

Things still haven’t change for me since I last posted here. I feel like I am going to suffer until I die.

 

[DogzSpirit]

The younger generation may actually navigate labels well, according to the response you received from this young lady. I have seen older people respond differently to such labels.

Congrats on telling her and getting that response...

However as it applies to my age group... I will keep disclosure on the back burner:

I would let a friendship and foundation form, before putting that forth. It will take a lot of educating for that person to really understand what this means in relation to your unique definition of this. If she has an idea of whom you are, prior to putting that out, the focus will be on getting to know you, vs being blindsided by a label that society often misinterprets.

 

[Gerontius]

I would let a friendship and foundation form, before putting that forth.

We did. I cannot get interested in a girl unless she & I are best friends, and only then under certain conditions. We love talking on the phone, hanging out, etc., and trying to keep in touch even though we're both very busy.
As for concerns abt. label I told her that just in interest of full disclosure, as she shared a great deal abt. herself & her own mental health challenge first. I admire her honesty and believe that, for the sake of honor, I must reciprocate confidence with confidence.

you will still not understand each other

Salient, but I have never heard of anyone being able to understand one another fully. If I or she or anybody went into even the most basic friendship thinking we'd understand one another, we'd be quite mistaken.

 

[Suzette]

I completely agree with @DogzSpirit. By not labeling yourself the other person has a chance of getting to know the real you without the veil of misinformation and unconscious bias getting in the way. Unless you need specific accomodation there doesn't seem any benefit of disclosure.

Did I say the opposite back on page 1? I probably did. The thing is, you have to fully be yourself. Perhaps one feels more comfortable disclosing for transpearancy sake. Or maybe you feel more comfortable saying nothing at all. Either view is valid. Disclosure won't change who you are and neither will not disclosing. However one chooses to handle disclosure will be authentic to YOU and not a bunch of internet peeps. What you get in response will still be authentically themselves and you will learn about one another either way.

 

[DogzSpirit]

@Suzette: Agreed. Long before I was aware that my traits were spectrum related, I would present myself accurately (no mask), not making an attempt to cover my personality, or personal (life with kids lol and the zoo atmosphere it involved) life, when speaking with a potential suitor. I would watch carefully for their responses to my unique life.

Would it scare of men? I didn't see many running. I had to send a few away. What you see is what you get. Don't come here to change us.

That said, you can be yourself, without putting labels which are discriminated against by society. A rose by any other name is still a rose.

Furthermore, I had put a label on myself, I may have been at a disadvantage.

Why would I want to divert my energies to educating someone instead of getting to know them/them me? I would have had to work hard to educate a person, literally expanding a persons mind beyond preconceived societal mindset, regarding that label.

Predators: I may have attracted individuals who liked the idea of dating someone who they viewed their 'lesser' and oh my, what challenges that would have invited into my/my children's lives.

The younger generation MAY be more flexible with a date announcing that they are on the spectrum. That is wonderful. My generation, not so much so?

 

[Au Naturel]

@Suzette: Agreed. Long before I was aware that my traits were spectrum related, I would present myself accurately (no mask), not making an attempt to cover my personality, or personal (life with kids lol and the zoo atmosphere it involved) life, when speaking with a potential suitor. I would watch carefully for their responses to my unique life.

Would it scare of men? I didn't see many running. I had to send a few away. What you see is what you get. Don't come here to change us.

That said, you can be yourself, without putting labels which are discriminated against by society. A rose by any other name is still a rose.

Furthermore, I had put a label on myself, I may have been at a disadvantage.

Why would I want to divert my energies to educating someone instead of getting to know them/them me? I would have had to work hard to educate a person, literally expanding a persons mind beyond preconceived societal mindset, regarding that label.

Predators: I may have attracted individuals who liked the idea of dating someone who they viewed their 'lesser' and oh my, what challenges that would have invited into my/my children's lives.

The younger generation MAY be more flexible with a date announcing that they are on the spectrum. That is wonderful. My generation, not so much so?

Yup. I'd have had to give my generation a semester of introductory psychology and still most of them would have said, "I don't care. You're still annoying and wierd."

I have read that often women with a touch of autism are preferred by many men. Not because they are autistic but rather because autism in women often makes them appear tomboyish. There's a huge market out there for tomboys.

You don't get a diagnosis to get a label. You get it for understanding yourself better. You get it so you understand that your problems didn't appear out of a vacuum. You get it so you might discover some techniques that have worked for others in your situation.

I read something by a guy who said that his sole identity was autistic. Quite militant about it. Left me incredibly sad. That's what creates "other-ism" and other-ism is the cause of most of the world's ills today. Bad enough that others might label you but to do it to yourself? If your identity isn't a human first with autistic traits mixed in, you are no different than a member of a cult. It's like putting up a barrier to the rest of the world and living in a concentration camp of your own making.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I've never told anyone about it, I don't need another nail in my coffin lol

 

[Kalinychta]

You make it sound like telling your new date that you’re autistic is akin to, say, confessing that your father is a South American drug lord, or that you’re a raging sex addict, or that under your clothes you have scales all over your body like a snake. I don’t think that disclosing an autism diagnosis is in the least bit obligatory, nor, frankly, is it the business of someone you’ve started seeing for all of one day.

Maybe sometime in the future if and when you feel the desire to talk about it for some reason, do. Until then, chill…and enjoy your new relationship.