when to tell someone tell you have aspergers

[melame]

When I first started learning about Aspergers, I told my husband, my kids, my sister, and my parents because I was so excited. My husband said, "You just want something to explain why you are the way you are." (DUH!!! That's why I'm so excited you idiot!). He has actually come around, though. My son said, "Ha, Ha, you said AssBurgers!" but he actually read the book I was trying to get my husband to read. My daughter has been very supportive. My sister said, "Yea, I knew that." (She's a therapist and it is suspected that her son is autistic. He's not really old enough to tell yet). My dad said, "Yea. When we were reading about Autism when they said Win (my nephew) might have it, it sounded like they were describing you." My mom finds a reason to get off the phone every time I bring it up. My sister says that she feels guilty for the way she treated me growing up and my bringing up aspergers makes her feel guilty again. My thought, if she feels guilty for the way she treated me, she should STOP doing the same things.

 

[Sparticus]

Cool avatar. When they have a gun to your head, tell em you are an Aspie. Or if they are close to you then it might be ok. In my limited experience with Aspergers & in telling others I have it-it was more negative than positive. If they are very close to you, educated, sensitive, down to Earth, artistic, open minded then they might except us. Ok I had a bad social day today so I'm pessimistic right now.

I probably have not worded this correctly- do I have aspergers? Its not a disease -so far it has not gone well- I have tried to be honest and upbeat about it-however its amazing how quickly those neurotypicals become ever so slightly elusive a day or so after being honest and brave enough to tell them.No more phone calls or texts. My problem is that when anything new happens to me I become over eager and seem to tip the balance between being cautious with whom I divulge and telling just about anyone that happens to come along. So far the second problem is that I do not seem to have a stock answer when asked "oh, so what is aspergers?" the third problem is that said people then go away and google like crazy-soon after they give you the look!! you know the one?? so my question to my new found friends on this forum is what do you think??

 

[Spinning Compass]

Telling others can be tricky because so many of us lack the ability and experience (they are linked) to judge others well. There are some people I have no problem discussing Aspergers with. There are other people who would use that information to harm me socially. I have a coworker who I confided in, and the next thing I knew she was outing me to someone in human resources. That is a big no-no. First place, it is not her story. Secondly she has no idea of the possible consequences of the wrong people having such information. When I confronted her, she said, "that is part of you. Own it." She thinks, because she has read stuff on Aspergers, that she knows how I think. Therefore that gives her the right to violate my privacy in a way she would not tolerate if the tables were turned. So when you say that you are on the spectrum you are potentially opening yourself up.

I go by a need-to-know basis. I am open about it at my church because the Unitarian-Universalists are very welcoming to individuals who don't quite fit in elsewhere, and it is part of my spirituality, why I feel and think the way I do. The UU tradition (which is a constantly evolving tradition) encourages discussion of the "hard questions" other religions may shy away from.

 

[Arashi222]

To be honest. I am sure why a lot of people seem so reluctant to tell people that they are on the autism spectrum. What I don't understand is why people fear telling their employer or having Human resources know. Honestly HR is there to help you. Friends try to do the right thing and help others to understand us so that its easier. I don't know. I tell people now. I don't care who knows why? you might ask because if they can't deal with it they aren't worth my time. I learned that the hard way.

 

[Sparticus]

Arashi + others, do you think this is a generational thing? With my son's generation, he's 17, it's probably acceptable to tell others. Maybe with my stepson's generation too. But with my generation, as children, we hardly ever heard of it or knew what it meant beyond picturing some severe form of autism-a kid who couldn't talk.

Lot of people in my generation don't even believe ADHD, depression + other things exist. Many like my female friend have a "get off your azz... kind of attitude to beat depression/high functioning autism etc. I'm not trying to hurt anyone here or argue. I'm curious and trying to find an answer. I would only tell someone close or intelligent. Otherwise I'm not sure what their reaction would be. Maybe I'm wrong and part of the old system "don't tell" kind of attitude.

Maybe it's better if more of us starting speaking out. I don't know. But I do remember people at work laughing at me for being different. A lot of people here know a lot more than I do and I'm curious as to what they think/know.

 

[Banquo]

I tend to tell people as it becomes relevant. Some people may be told after a few hours, others never.

If those people then react badly, which in my experience is not as often as I think, then they are not really worth my time anyway. I have a job in which I usually work on my own but am the lead specialist in my chosen field. As part of Mental Health Awareness week I decided to 'come out' to the members of my department. 2 stopped speaking to me, 10 came and asked about Aspergers the remaining 30 or so treated me no differently.

On that day I educated 10 people and saved having to engage with 2 people who are not worth my breath. I should point out I am 41 and have become more comfortable with myself in the last 1 or 2 years, before that I wouldn't have told anyone, nobody knew until 1 was 38.

Tell people if and when it is right for you and the situation.

 

[Sathington Willoughby]

I've only told one person ever and he never spoke to me again, I got really drunk and told him without meaning to. He said "Oh that makes a lot of sense now! I have someone at work with that." Meh.... makes me sad. My cousins were told by my aunt when I was a bit younger, and they never treated me the same. They still talk to me as if I am 'slow'. They use that kindergarten teacher voice with me like that "HEYYYYY SPECCCCCCIIIIAAAAALLLLL GUUUUUY!!!!" type tone, it kills me. I am not slow, I don't have a speech impediment and I really don't have 'spacey' conversations, my point being that I don't come off slow at all, people that dont know me would never guess somethings wrong. It makes me sad people don't understand what Asperger's is, I'm guessing they hear autism and assume you have a lot harder time keeping up. I wish schools would educate on this, my school didn't do one thing to educate anyone on this, you would think they'd have at least 1 day devoted to explaining the autism spectrum.

 

[Banquo]

Sathington - I appreciate that you have had a number bad experiences but in one you probably weren't quite yourself and the other wasn't you doing the telling. Don't let that put you off if you feel that the time is right.

There are some people that I ought to have told a long time ago, when I eventually told them they were supportive of me but upset that I had not trusted them before. While I struggle to understand this myself I also believe that it is quite a common NT reaction. It is a hard decision to make but not telling can be as damaging as telling, maybe not to you but to the other person and if they are important to you then you don't want that.

I hope this helps.

 

[Sathington Willoughby]

To be honest. I am sure why a lot of people seem so reluctant to tell people that they are on the autism spectrum. What I don't understand is why people fear telling their employer or having Human resources know. Honestly HR is there to help you. Friends try to do the right thing and help others to understand us so that its easier. I don't know. I tell people now. I don't care who knows why? you might ask because if they can't deal with it they aren't worth my time. I learned that the hard way.

For me anyway, like I mentioned, people that don't understand it will treat me in a way I wish not to treated, I often get treated like a baby from my cousins, whom I can't just say "You arn't worth my time." They seem to be under the impression that I have a intelligence issue, I often feel like they're dumbing down sentences from me (which I find hysterical because usually people with AS have AMAZING vocabularies) Its not so simple sometimes. I kinda feel sympathetic to gay people as weird a comment as that is, just in the struggle to be comfortable with yourself and "coming out" to your friends and family and feeling accepted can be tough. I'd be much more comfortable talking about it with my friends if anyone ever educated us on these conditions growing up in school. Its in the media in a negative light all the time, I remember that episode of South Park "assburgers" not one of my friends had even ever heard of aspergers, and the episode does absolutely nothing to explain it. I remember other shows having it as punch lines before too and being extremely annoyed, The League does it one episode in an interview for a job with one of the main characters, it is going extremely bad and finally the boss looks at him and says "Be honest with me, do you have Aspergers?" I felt like it was used as a harsh insult for a cheap laugh. I think its different for everyone, doesnt mean I am ashamed of myself for having it, It's honestly that Its hard enough on a day to day interacting with people, the last thing I want is to be treated by everyone like a "special guy", I think I'd snap eventually.

 

[Arashi222]

For me anyway, like I mentioned, people that don't understand it will treat me in a way I wish not to treated, I often get treated like a baby from my cousins, whom I can't just say "You arn't worth my time." They seem to be under the impression that I have a intelligence issue, I often feel like they're dumbing down sentences from me (which I find hysterical because usually people with AS have AMAZING vocabularies) Its not so simple sometimes. I kinda feel sympathetic to gay people as weird a comment as that is, just in the struggle to be comfortable with yourself and "coming out" to your friends and family and feeling accepted can be tough. I'd be much more comfortable talking about it with my friends if anyone ever educated us on these conditions growing up in school. Its in the media in a negative light all the time, I remember that episode of South Park "assburgers" not one of my friends had even ever heard of aspergers, and the episode does absolutely nothing to explain it. I remember other shows having it as punch lines before too and being extremely annoyed, The League does it one episode in an interview for a job with one of the main characters, it is going extremely bad and finally the boss looks at him and says "Be honest with me, do you have Aspergers?" I felt like it was used as a harsh insult for a cheap laugh. I think its different for everyone, doesnt mean I am ashamed of myself for having it, It's honestly that Its hard enough on a day to day interacting with people, the last thing I want is to be treated by everyone like a "special guy", I think I'd snap eventually.

Here's the thing though. You don't have to be the "special Guy" to people that's what I mean. I tell people all the time I'm not a drama queen I have some issues with sensory things due to my Autism. Or I tell people I do understand you just because I don't react the same way. I just from my personal experience that people get more angry when you've known them for a long long time and don't tell them. They get angry because they feel like you're lying to them about who you are. I had that happen a friend that i had for three years three years and she couldn't handle me and she couldn't handle my diagnosis and she was very very angry that I didn't tell her sooner than in an argument. A lot of people look at me like what? You can't have it and that is exactly why I tell people. I tell my family members even my sisters husbands family in the hopes that they will educated themselves. IF they don't that's their problem not mine. I am who I am nothing can change that. I love me even when its hard to be me sometimes.

 

[Sparticus]

Here's phrases us guys in my generation grew up with while playing sports in Gym:

"Stop whining like a little girl"
"suck it up"
"Stop acting like girls"

etc etc etc etc etc {yeah that generation will give a crap about my Aspergers...not!}

Sure...maybe some people would understand Aspergers. But the majority of people I know/meet/interact with probably won't or don't care. Doesn't make sense for me to tag myself with any label. Never worked before. If anyone here feels like being an activist, go at it. I've been an activist for decades. I've volunteered for 25 organizations & done my part for humanity. I'd rather spend my time helping my son which very FEW online give a cat's azz about.

When the PC Autism crowd give a crap about my son and become active in not letting it happen to other children [he has autism] then I'll become an activist for this cause.

 

[Sparticus]

In the past on facebook I "liked" and supported Autism posts & groups. Then [duh] I announced I had Aspergers. A few "liked" my post. Then a few former elementary school mates announced their children had autism, I liked their posts & again announced I had Aspergers. A few more likes to my Asperger announcement and then some silence. I think announcing I had Autism had an opposite effect of what I had intended.

Same when in private emails on Facebook when I told trusted "facebook friends" that I had Autism. Kinda like a blank reply and then slowly or quickly less communication from them. Again it might be a generational thing. I've had a rough day...sorry guys if I was too real uhm I mean too blunt. I'm not against autism activism. I'm for it. Maybe us former activists just get tired of it all. And it then becomes up to the younger ones to light a fire!

 

[lazaro.rafael]

I probably have not worded this correctly- do I have aspergers? Its not a disease -so far it has not gone well- I have tried to be honest and upbeat about it-however its amazing how quickly those neurotypicals become ever so slightly elusive a day or so after being honest and brave enough to tell them.No more phone calls or texts. My problem is that when anything new happens to me I become over eager and seem to tip the balance between being cautious with whom I divulge and telling just about anyone that happens to come along. So far the second problem is that I do not seem to have a stock answer when asked "oh, so what is aspergers?" the third problem is that said people then go away and google like crazy-soon after they give you the look!! you know the one?? so my question to my new found friends on this forum is what do you think??

My advice is: Do not count unless it is completely necessary, and do not open any secret anytime just an alibi for behavior.
Tell someone extremely reliable, timely.

 

[Warwick C]

So far I have only told people, that I feel that can help me. As I am still going through a learn proccess. I am trying to work out how it effects me.
I would like to pass on more of what I have worked out so far, but I am not sure if this is the right thread.

 

[Soup]

@ Warwick: if you are not sure, you can always begin a new thread.

At work, a teacher on my team noticed that, during some meetings, I do not answer when spoken to & that I tend to 'stare off into space'. I apologized & told her that I get a little over-tired with all I have to get done & it tends to show during meetings when there is not a lot of moving around & things drag on. Everyone can relate to getting bored stiff & daydreaming during a meeting. There was no way I was going to out myself in the workplace.

 

[CatsablancaGirl]

I just told my friend last night and she offered to bring over the movie Rain Man. She also thinks that is high functioning. People are ignorant.

 

[Warwick C]

Well done CatsablancaGirl on telling your friend. If the person is a true friend you may be able to educate your friend further on what you find you have. That may also help you and you friend.

 

[XxLordxX]

I have already told many friends, and all them keep talking with me like always, which is why I think it's cool. Some of my closer classmates know about this and it's because of it they talk differently with me. Most of time the person don't know what AS is, so I have to explain lol. My only problem was with two friends who started arguing with me that I wasn't and it was a crazy idea of me... Other than that I think there's no problem telling someone you're an AS lol. Just be sure that they are your friends and it'll be okay lol.

(About the arguing I told that happened, one of my friends doesn't believe AS exists... Damn... Well, bad for him hahaha).

 

[Hazelle]

I think this really varies according to an individual's environment. It sounds like various families and communities react very differently from others.

I had already shown my mom a list of asperger symptoms a couple years prior to receiving a diagnosis. She looked it over and said, yep, sounds like me and my dad and my grandma. My parents are very aware that I've always struggled with these symptoms and sent me to a slew of different therapists trying to fix it so putting a label on it is not exactly a big surprise, though they never would have guessed autism.

So after a lifetime of frustration, having a label was a good thing rather than upsetting from my perspective. I made sure to tell my parents this--that I was relieved and that I wasn't ashamed of who I've always been. I think this helped take the burden off them a bit too because parents often get into a mindset that they did this to their child. I told my mom that I didn't need this to be a secret but that I didn't want to make any big announcement bout it either because somehow that seems awkward!

As far as friends and work goes, I'm still feeling that out since I was just diagnosed. I don't think that I need to hide it because quite frankly, some of them probably already know anyway. But of course I'd feel funny mentioning it to most people unless it was relevant to a topic of conversation. Also, I am lucky to work somewhere that is pretty supportive of differences among employees. I imagine it would be more difficult in conventional environments.

 

[Warwick C]

Hazell I think you have already taken abig step forward. I think when it come to telling someone, it needs to be someone you can trust.