Where to begin?

[brecknlvile]

I have known for a few years that my son was special. It wasn't until last week the diagnosis came. My seven year old ,Noah, has Aspergers and sensory integration disorder. Even knowing it was coming last week, I've had a mix of emotions. I find that I'm in acceptance at times, I feel upset and angry at times, I feel sad for him, I also feel relieved as well because we now have an answer to some of his behaviors. My mind is racing often and I want to jump into fix it mold. I know that I can't fix Aspergers, and I know that learning about Aspergers will be a life long process. I just really need direction on where I could begin to best help my son.

It's hard to know where to begin now. I feel my parenting style has already changed. As it has for sometime prior to the diagnosis. I feel consistency, routines, all will help Noah. I want my wife and I to try and be on the same page. Do you recommend counseling , classes , or a book for parents of kids with Aspergers? Right now, I've been creating checklist routines around the house. Mostly for things like bedtime procedures and homework procedures. I'm also in the process of reorganizing Noah's room. Are there any areas that you feel I should focus to help make his life less complicated? Any advice you wish you would have known when your child was first diagnosed?

I am a public school teacher. My son attends the school where I teach. I have spoken to the counselors, teachers, and an OT at our school and in our district about Noah. I'm not sure he will qualify for an IEP because he does very well academically. However, I want written records for future teachers to have in order to be aware of his diagnosis. How did the diagnosis of Aspergers affect your child's schooling? Any suggestions?

As a parent I feel torn between my visions of a son. Especially as a dad. I envision playing basketball, baseball, etc with my son. I also know that my visions and expectations will need to change and I'm alright with that. However, I watch Noah play basketball with kids his own age and he just doesn't have the coordination and strength of boys his age. I feel robbed and angry at these times. Can my son learn to be on a team? Can he learn to catch a baseball? I don't want to set limits, but I am aware that his mind and body work differently. I encourage Noah in a majority of his own interest. Mostly with science. My ultimate question is if I do not ever give him the opportunity to play team sports how will he ever learn to play with others? Even if it is uncomfortable at times. If I don't practice basketball with him, how will he improve his coordination? I don't want to set limitations for Noah, but do you believe that people with Aspergers can improve their social skills or do well in sports with practice and interventions?

Finally, I've got a number of books I'm reading at different times now. Anything you recommend?

Sorry, for the long post. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Brian

 

[nowwhat]

As far as sports, maybe set a goal of him being just good enough to avoid mortal embarrassment in school, and expose him to enough of it so he can converse about it a bit. If I had managed these two meager benchmarks, school would have been much easier for me. He might love one or another sport, and once an aspie sets his mind on something, laser focus will produce some kind of results. I wouldn't get my heart set on him taking to any of it though. Maybe just being around you enjoying yourself will cause him to take to it. It is bad enough for a Dad to push an NT boy too hard to achieve in sport. I might risk overstepping a bit by saying that should be careful not to let perceived disappointment drive a wedge between the two of you. He's gonna need his Dad. You might have to let the sports dream go, buddy, but you never know, do you? Aspies can be incredibly good at complex and difficult things that they are interested in. I'm sure he'll get his teeth into something that you'll find it easy to be proud of.

Also, teach him to be kind and moral, and kick some ass. Aspies get bullied a lot, but the weird kid that beats someone up, is always wrong, it seems, no matter how deserved or defensive the incident.

Was just thinking about my childhood and threw this text into the box. Hope it helps, and doesn't offend.

 

[Ereth]

I'm not a parent, but I know there are several books on parenting autistic kids that might help you.. I'll let the moderators link you to some resources.

Other thoughts:

I have known for a few years that my son was special.

Your son was always special. You and your wife will need to help him with a few things, but Noah doesn't need to be treated like a porcelain doll instead of a human boy. Trust me on this. While I didn't know about my ASD until a few years ago, I've spent my whole life aware of my cerebral palsy. My parents could have treated me like I was "different" than other kids, but they didn't. Sure, they worked to protect me (and still do), but they treated me like any other kid. I just happened to be a kid who required physical therapy multiple times a week.

I'm not sure he will qualify for an IEP because he does very well academically.

IEPs don't necessarily involve poor academic performance. It is entirely possible that Noah will receive some kind of assistance or accommodation should he require it.

As a parent I feel torn between my visions of a son. Especially as a dad. I envision playing basketball, baseball, etc with my son. I also know that my visions and expectations will need to change and I'm alright with that. However, I watch Noah play basketball with kids his own age and he just doesn't have the coordination and strength of boys his age. I feel robbed and angry at these times.

Why should you feel robbed or angry? From what I've read, you have an intelligent, healthy, happy son. I understand no parent wants a child to have to deal with stuff like this, but expecting one to live up to your ideal of what a son should be would be short-sighted and selfish in any case. I'd be saying the same thing even if Noah didn't have Asperger's.

Can my son learn to be on a team? Can he learn to catch a baseball? My ultimate question is if I do not ever give him the opportunity to play team sports how will he ever learn to play with others?

Yes, yes, and yes. Noah doesn't need to be a basketball or baseball star to learn to play with others. I sure as hell didn't. He can improve his coordination and teamwork through many, many other means. I was generally poor at sports due to my physical limitations, but I led many an imagination-based game on the playground as a little girl.

I don't want to set limitations for Noah, but do you believe that people with Asperger's can improve their social skills or do well in sports with practice and interventions?

If you don't want to set limitations for him, then don't. But remember to be realistic at the same time, and don't force him into an activity if he doesn't like it. And yes, people with Asperger's can do very well in social situations with practice and lots of emotional support.

Welcome to AspiesCentral, Brian.

 

[nowwhat]

If you read around here, you'll get some idea of how aspies see the world, which will make for nice empathy and communication between you and your son. Not everything here will apply to him, as we're all quite different in many ways, but there are common threads and recurring themes that you may recognize in him. The more you "get" him, the better your relationship, and therefore, his life, will be.

 

[mama_lotus]

Hi there, I'm an Aspie mama who passed some of my traits down to my athletic husband's and my two sons. I will tell you that my oldest son has learned how to catch a baseball in a mitt beautifully through OT. You will also probably find that your beautiful son has natural inclinations towards certain sports. For an Aspie girl, I was particularly athletic. My sport was swimming. My sons certainly inherited it from me. They are like fish. They also excel at gymnastics. You don't have to let the dreams of sports die, but maybe just reframe. Our sons were "athletically immature" compared to peers but have received so much helpful OT that nobody would know it now.

Raising Cubby is a beautiful book.

 

[Sander]

One important thing, that I myself find really important is that you shouldn't do something he doesn't want you to do for him. Like rearranging he room, it might really upset him.
Schedules may or may not work, I once was forced in a complete hour to hour schedule.
From what I know, I made my parents cry, I resisted with such force that it devastated them. I gained control of them. It's not to scare you, just to warn that it is possible.
But building in some routine might help him function better.
Also let him know in time when he will have to go out of his routine, like for example an appointment for something, that way he can mentally prepare himself.

Just some quick things.

 

[dragonwolf]

As someone else said, he doesn't need treated like a porcelain doll. Additionally, he doesn't need you to be angry or upset for him. Asperger's, in and of itself, isn't something to be upset or angry about. It's not a death sentence. What gets upsetting is when we don't have the tools to navigate a world that is alien to us. Help him build those tools.

Acceptance is a good start. Accept that he thinks and sees the world differently. Then, help him bridge the gap between his perceptions and yours (or any given NT's). Accept that what may seem obvious to you will not be obvious to him, especially when it comes to social interactions. Few things are more frustrating (to me, at least) than trying to talk to someone, only to have them get upset/offended for reasons unbeknownst to me, and the more I try to clarify or understand, the more upset they get, because it's "so obvious," and I'm "a smart person, figure it out." That is akin to expecting a blind person to see something. Accept that it's a legitimate blind spot in his perception and help point out the specific thing(s) that caused the communication breakdown and what he could have said/done differently.

As someone else mentioned, building in routines is good, but don't force them on him. Help him build routines. Let him change a routine if desired/needed, or provide reasons for why a routine part can't be changed. When you have to break the usual routine, let him know ahead of time. A calendar can really help, here. Write appointments and stuff down on the calendar. Keep a dry erase board of the plans for the day and include the odd item, then go over the plans for the day. When you do have to change plans, try to keep the number of changes to a minimum, too (a small change might not be much, but several will add up quickly). Things like that will help.

When you have to put your foot down on something, explain why. "Because I'm the parent" doesn't cut it. Throw away the idea that your son should just listen to you blindly. An aspie kid won't (hell, most NT kids won't, either, at some point or another). Provide good reasons. "You can't touch the hot stove, because it will burn you" would be a good reasoning for a rule, for example (you can also then go into the anatomy of a burn if he seems interested in such a thing). Things that don't make sense are very hard for many of us to grasp and do.

Also like someone else mentioned, don't reorganize things for him. It may seem organized to you, but it will seem like total chaos to him, because things changed without him doing it. Work with him to organize his room in a way that works for him, or just let him do it himself. The ASD person's obsession with "order" is generally less about the order itself, and more about controlling that order. It's something that makes sense in a world where everything seems backwards.

I'm not a parent of an AS/ASD child, I was the AS/ASD child. When I was your son's age, the DSM version with Asperger's in it was just coming out. As such (and like many others here), I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult, and I was raised as a neurotypical (NT) child. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I was treated no differently than the other kids. I wasn't limited by my parents' (likely misguided) expectations of what I was or wasn't able to do, because of my Asperger's. On the other hand, though, I didn't have as much of the compassion and acceptance I could have used when the physiological aspects took over (ie - meltdowns, major miscommunications), and had to learn the hard way, through years of trial and error, what worked and what didn't.

Hold him to high (though still reasonable) expectations, help him where he struggles. Give him safe places he can go when he senses a meltdown coming (or is in the midst of one) or when he just needs to get away and unwind.

A gifted student is just as much a special needs student as someone with a severe learning disability. It doesn't hurt to try for the IEP, that way you have it. He may not (appear to) have any troubles now, but he might as he gets older. Getting it now, even if he doesn't appear to need it, will make using it when he does need it a lot easier. For most of us, getting older makes things harder, not easier, especially when "getting older" still means the next step in growing up. More social expectations in school, larger schools (more people), and busier schedules make getting through school quite tough.

On the spectrum or not, I would advise against trying to force your vision of what a son "should be" on your child. That only leads down a path of stress and heartache for both of you. And quit using his Asperger's as a reason to feel "robbed" (for that matter, quit feeling robbed). You haven't been robbed of anything. You've been given a bright kid, who could grow up to change the world (or some aspect of it), if you teach him the things that matter (values, how to navigate the world, etc). What would you have done if he was perfectly typical in all aspects, but was just clumsy and sucked at sports? (Seriously, go watch The Breakfast Club, it's on Netflix, and pay special attention to the jock. NT or not, forcing your vision of what a son should be onto him is bad.)

That said, does he like basketball and/or baseball? Does he like other sports? Asperger's does not mean that he will be inherently bad at or hate sports. Some of us actually are pretty athletic, even if we're not sports stars. I played basketball in Jr/Sr High School, myself, and did fairly well. I tried softball, but while I could catch as an outfielder, and had a hell of an arm (nothing like scaring the pants off coach by nearly taking off his head from left field when he's standing at home plate), I couldn't bat to save my life (something to do with the angles and 3-dimensional space, it seems). I also loved to swim and have always been interested in martial arts (though didn't actually get into that until adulthood). If he's interested in a sport, then practice with him. The only way to get really good at anything is to practice.

The typical American sports (basketball, baseball, football) aren't the only sports out there, and sports aren't the only way he can socialize. Find out what his interests are and find clubs/groups that leverage those interests. Even if he's a classic "train spotter," go find a model train group, or even a railroad restoration group, and take him to them. He can learn teamwork by working together to help fix a model train/track or repaint an old steam engine.

You mention "science" as one of his interests. "Science" is a huge field. What parts does he like? Biology? Start exposing him to vets and zoos, and see if he can volunteer somewhere. Physics? Computers? There are clubs for those. Trivia about it? Scholastic decathlons. If your school doesn't have anything, then check out resources like meetup.com for special interest groups in your area, or start one yourself. There are plenty of ways to learn teamwork if you reframe your expectations of the means to that end.

What's important here, too, is that if he doesn't like sports, do not force him into it. What may seem "uncomfortable" for you may be a living hell for him. As a public school teacher, you're probably well aware of how kids are toward each other. Forcing him into sports if he really doesn't like them is just asking for trouble. Leverage his interests and not only will he be more comfortable in the environment, but he'll be more willing to open up to others, less likely to melt down, and actually get more out of the social interactions. Encourage him to try new things by exposing him to them and showing him that they can be fun.

Also, encourage him to self-advocate, both in the sense of standing up for himself as a person and in the sense of standing up for himself as an Aspie. We can speak for ourselves, if we've got the tools and confidence to do it.

As for recommended reading. I don't have much, though I'd recommend reading stuff by Aspies/Autistics more than by NTs. Some NT people certainly have some good information, and you may be able to relate to them better, but they are still outsiders. If you want to understand your son's perspective, look to the people that are most like him. Temple Grandin's books may be a good place to start, as are other books by Aspie/Autistic authors, and the blogs here and elsewhere.

 

[GHA]

Brian,
Consider yourself lucky to have him as your son. There are lots of books and information on the net. Learn to see the world from his perspective.. Aspergers are generally very intelligent and a have s strong focus on a particular activity.. Just find his area of interest and help him excel.... Dont ever compare him with anyone. He is a special gift and you should be proud of him..
Best
GHA

 

[Tarragon]

I'm left handed, which isn't a problem. I'm an aspie, which isn't a problem either!

However, I was rubbish at team sports. I only learnt the "trick" of catching a few years ago (I'm 40!). For me, I have learnt to stop thinking about it, and let the catch happen. It seems to work for me most of the time, though I hasten to add I do not play/watch/enjoy team sports at all.

I haven't let that ruin me though (why on earth does it matter?). It doesn't impede me the slightest, seeing as how I have plenty of other things which are considered useful - my brain for one!

If you are into sports then good for you, but please don't make your son feel that he should be too. Are you good at everything? What can't you do? Does that make you feel bad?

For example, My dad and I used to play chess when I was a kid. I went to a school team, joined a club, played competitively. At some point, fairly early on, I started beating my dad all the time. He then stopped playing chess with me.

Over the last few years I started playing backgammon, and of course I beat my dad so utterly (he never wins) that he now refuses to play it with me, claiming its a game all about luck.

Don't be like that!

Your son will be plenty good at many things, just don't push your stuff onto him. Look for common ground and build on that. Just don't be surprised that when he gets into something he will leave you for dust....

If you find he is getting interested in something like chess, then you'd better start practising!

 

[GHA]

Tarragon,
You are absolutely right!!!! My son cannot play sports or fish, the way I can. He is not as confident as I am. However, he is better educated than me,he writes better than me. He is far more patient and tolerant than me. He is far more knowledgeable then me. Finally he is a better human being than I could ever be. I love him and am proud of him...