Why are some people unreliable? What makes some people unreliable?

[Nervous Rex]

Instead of asking themselves, "What should they do? They only ask, "What can they get away with doing?"

Yep. So true.

Perhaps you should require non-refundable payment in advance. Most professionals state their cancellation policy right up front and charge a no show or late fee if the appointment is cancelled or postponed without 24 or 48 hours notice. An unreliable friend is one thing but this is your livelihood. They are not just stealing your time, but also your money.

This can backfire. Here's a case where a daycare implemented a fine for parent who were late to pick up their children. Instead of being embarrassed and feeling bad for the daycare workers, parents felt they could be exonerated by paying the fine. So the number of late parents went up. The financial penalty removed the more effective social penalty.

 

[Nervous Rex]

My sister exactly. And I guarantee it's going to be this way when we get together for Christmas. We all end up waiting around for her to show. We say 2-3 and she shows 5-7, always goes on about how hard it is to get her 2 teenage daughters out the door, or some other thing. I bring a teenage daughter too and it's not a problem. My mom knows I can't eat late so I just eat without her anyway.

That's what you should do. Start without her and if it's over when she arrives, just tell her she missed it.

Thing is she probably got it from my dad. I hated it growing up. The rest of us would be in the car waiting to go. Then he would go around fixing the fire, checking the locks, doing all the things he knew he had to do to begin with. We would always get to birthday parties after the cake and presents were done. Always got to movies after they started. It was sad. Because of that I refuse to be that way.

I had a roommate like that. When we had to go somewhere together, he wouldn't start getting ready until it was time to go, and we'd always almost miss our bus. I started telling him it was time to go ten minutes early. The first time we made it to a bus on time, he was pleasantly surprised and said, "Wow. We weren't late!" He didn't like to be late, but he hadn't connected getting ready early with not being late.

My stepmother was always late, too. She never had a real reason to be late - she just didn't want to stop reading her Harlequin romance books (I've never read one, but I truly hate those books now because of this). So we were always late to everything. It stressed me out all the time.

I've very lucky now that I'm married to a woman who hates to be late as much as I do. I like the saying, "If you're five minutes early, you're ten minutes late." I like to be early to everything so I can get my mind prepared for whatever it is. Showing up late feels like showing up unprepared.

 

[TempeFan]

My stepmother was always late, too. She never had a real reason to be late - she just didn't want to stop reading her Harlequin romance books (I've never read one, but I truly hate those books now because of this). So we were always late to everything. It stressed me out all the time.

I've very lucky now that I'm married to a woman who hates to be late as much as I do. I like the saying, "If you're five minutes early, you're ten minutes late." I like to be early to everything so I can get my mind prepared for whatever it is. Showing up late feels like showing up unprepared.

What you said about your stepmom reminded me of a guy I knew in high school. He was the most fun, charming, intelligent and attentive man but also the least punctual. One time he was walking down the main hallway at school and four different people invited him to get together at 8pm that night, one for a movie, one for a meal, one for a party, and me for a date. He enthusiastically accepted EVERY invitation, saying he would be there on time without fail. He was a complete no show. I got tired of waiting so I went to his place and found him sitting on the floor reading a Zane Grey novel. He finished the chapter, put it away, greeted me warmly and asked what I wanted to do on our date. It was bizarre but not unusual for him. I just couldn't live like that, never knowing when he was going to pop in. It took about 20 years but I finally found a man who reciprocates honesty and respect. We were both exactly 6 minutes early for our first date.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm a private language tutor, have a lot of problems at work with people being unreliable. Either students don't turn up, because they forgot to let me know that they can't come to the lesson, or the parents don't tell me because they forgot or were 'too busy'. I can understand someone forgetting to do do something, but I can't accept that someone didn't managed to find literally 2 minutes out of their time to write a short message - 'sorry, can't make it today' would suffice. Or they tell me at the last minute that they don't have their books or photocopied materials I sent them. Then they apologise, and that is supposed to make things better (in their mind), but it doesn't, because it happened, they created the situation and apologising won't undo that or change the way that I feel about it.

The underlying issue is that whatever they are doing in their life is always going to trump or be more important than my lesson or arrangement with them. It doesn't matter to them if they miss the lesson, it makes no difference to them because other things are more important, but it makes a huge difference to my life. I make a living from the lessons and rely on other people to communicate with me and inform me of their intentions so I can organise my schedule, but they don't see that, they are in their own little bubble.

What I don't get is that many run businesses themselves - would they ever stand up a business associate or client? Would they ever just not turn up to a meeting, or cancel a meeting at last minute? Of course not, that's bad work ethic. If a client were to make an order, and then cancel the order at last minute, they sure wouldn't like it. That is essentially what they are doing to me, but they either don't see it, or don't care. I don't undertand how they can apply work ethic and standards in their own jobs, but not to me.

Not everyone can organize their schedules or they are doing too much for a complication of reasons. Do the people who forget or don't show up, do they at least pay for the first hour that they would've been there otherwise or some compensation for their lateness? As a regular tutor, if you have many clients, you can be more choosy in who you tutor. Maybe consider having a short agreement with a no-show type clause.

 

[paloftoon]

Yep. So true.



This can backfire. Here's a case where a daycare implemented a fine for parent who were late to pick up their children. Instead of being embarrassed and feeling bad for the daycare workers, parents felt they could be exonerated by paying the fine. So the number of late parents went up. The financial penalty removed the more effective social penalty.

Expect people to not show up. The financial penalty should probably be higher then possibly. Some clients might leave- as long as you can keep enough to keep the place running smoothly. Workers who have to stay longer like that should be compensated extra at least. That is primarily the decision of who runs the company unfortunately rather than the workers themselves.

 

[Progster]

Not everyone can organize their schedules or they are doing too much for a complication of reasons. Do the people who forget or don't show up, do they at least pay for the first hour that they would've been there otherwise or some compensation for their lateness? As a regular tutor, if you have many clients, you can be more choosy in who you tutor. Maybe consider having a short agreement with a no-show type clause.

Most of them do pay me for the hour, and then I try to find another slot for them if it is an emergency cancellation, but not all do. The problem is with me, I find it hard to ask for the money. I once had a nasty experience - I had a student who lived in the next town to me. One day I drove there, and the family wasn't there. I phoned and the mother told me that they had left in an emergency. I asked them to pay me for the lesson, but she refused, she thought she didn't have to pay me because it was an emergency. I explained that I needed to cover the cost of the fuel spend to reach her house, the lost time, but she wouldn't accept it. Perhaps I spoke too abruptly, I didn't express myself in a nice, social smoothing kind of way? Combined with this Balkans mentality, which is different to the US or the UK, the culture here is different. Since then I have been afraid to ask. I have real difficulty with being assertive with people and expressing myself, especially when talking to people on the phone or face to face and when I do. it's not like I'm writing here, I'm direct, abrupt and awkward, I'm not so articulate and I can't do this social smoothing thing. It's one of the ways Asperger's affects me in my work.

 

[dragstone]

I am selectively reliable. I am reliable when it comes to things like getting work done on time, offering to return favors, and making regular payments for expenses. I'm not reliable when it comes to maintaining contact with family or friends because I'm not really interested in doing so. I only do the minimum. You guessed it, I don't really have friends that's OK with me.

I'm not sure the right question is "Why are some people unreliable?" Maybe it's more like "Why do some people care more than others?" It seems to me as though we are gauging levels of interest in various things, which would impact how reliable we are.

 

[SparklAng]

I am rather unreliable within a social context. I would say that I often try to block things out of my mind when everything gets a bit much. As a result, there are many things that I should be doing that get missed (e.g, answering an email, meeting up with someone) and when I feel up to doing it, I feel worried if I have negativity affected the other parties involved by letting them down. All in all, it is a shameful, self perpetuating cycle.

 

[paloftoon]

Most of them do pay me for the hour, and then I try to find another slot for them if it is an emergency cancellation, but not all do. The problem is with me, I find it hard to ask for the money. I once had a nasty experience - I had a student who lived in the next town to me. One day I drove there, and the family wasn't there. I phoned and the mother told me that they had left in an emergency. I asked them to pay me for the lesson, but she refused, she thought she didn't have to pay me because it was an emergency. I explained that I needed to cover the cost of the fuel spend to reach her house, the lost time, but she wouldn't accept it. . . ..

You definitely sound right on point there Progster. Sure, your social nuances probably could've been better. However, you're not in the wrong.

Since that client was so disrespectful to you, and since it sounds like you have others, if they ask to schedule with you, just say you are sorry for their emergency and that when they save up enough to pay for the missed session, your schedule will open up. They are being disrespectful, so you can respond politely and properly be an "ass" without talking them down. Instead, you're cajoling them by giving them the opportunity to take the time they need to pay you properly. If they don't want to do that or until they do, move on.

Of course, assume they are being cheapskates and using their emergency as an excuse. Do not tell them this. Instead, rephrase it and tell them that they need more time to deal with their emergency and they can get back to pay you when they are ready. If they ask for a tutor session and haven't paid you first, just keep saying you're booked with other clients for now. If they "call you out" on being so "coy" with them, tell them that you feel you are in the right to be paid regardless of their situation, but that they may need more time to sort their own life situations out which are not related to your tutoring service. I see this as more about standing for yourself properly rather than a minor "infraction" of a social misstep.

 

[Progster]

when they save up enough to pay for the missed session,

Money is not usually an issue for them, most of the clients have plenty of money. They did begrudgingly pay me eventually, but yes, it's a common occurrence. They made a mistake by not phoning to cancel, and then are not taking responsibility for their mistake.

 

[paloftoon]

Money is not usually an issue for them, most of the clients have plenty of money. They did begrudgingly pay me eventually, but yes, it's a common occurrence. They made a mistake by not phoning to cancel, and then are not taking responsibility for their mistake.

I see. Then, as part of your job, just try to not make it sound like a blame game. Don't say more than you have to. Just try to get paid when you can, and give them the time they need. If a payment is missed, expect it and just move on with others. You know what to do now though if you get a badder apple.

 

[Progster]

just try to not make it sound like a blame game

Could you please explain this, I don't know what you mean.

 

[paloftoon]

Could you please explain this, I don't know what you mean.

For instance, in the family that didn't pay you at the time, if you had contacted and asked for payment, then if they said they couldn't pay because of the emergency, and then say you responded with something like "You're using your emergency as an excuse to not pay me.", that would be an example of creating blame. Try to avoid that. It's something I might do if I wasn't thinking about not doing that in the heat of the moment.

How you request and proceed things is all in what you say, how you say it, and context. Wish I had focused on some of that more on some of my past dates, ugh! lol :/

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

"You're using your emergency as an excuse to not pay me.", that would be an example of creating blame. Try to avoid that. It's something I might do if I wasn't thinking about not doing that in the heat of the moment.

So let's get some suggestions going

Several circumstances written down in advance and a decent script.

Give them a choice but not a choice not to pay.

"Would you like to pay now or will I add it to your next invoice ?"

Things like that.

Do you want me to return your child?

A tad too far

 

[Progster]

For instance, in the family that didn't pay you at the time, if you had contacted and asked for payment, then if they said they couldn't pay because of the emergency, and then say you responded with something like "You're using your emergency as an excuse to not pay me.", that would be an example of creating blame. Try to avoid that. It's something I might do if I wasn't thinking about not doing that in the heat of the moment.

How you request and proceed things is all in what you say, how you say it, and context. Wish I had focused on some of that more on some of my past dates, ugh! lol :/

I understand now. I think that what confused me was that you called it a blame game, when in my mind there isn't any game involved. I didn't put it like that, I asked them to pay for the lesson to cover my time and fuel costs, and told them that I would put it on the bill. I didn't accuse them of anything.

 

[Progster]

Do you want me to return your child?

Edited because it was a nonsense post - sorry!

 

[paloftoon]

I understand now. I think that what confused me was that you called it a blame game, when in my mind there isn't any game involved. I didn't put it like that, I asked them to pay for the lesson to cover my time and fuel costs, and told them that I would put it on the bill. I didn't accuse them of anything.

I see. "Blame game" is an idiom that just naturally came to me.
Fridgemagnetman gave some really good, specific examples.

 

[Progster]

I see. "Blame game" is an idiom that just naturally came to me.
Fridgemagnetman gave some really good, specific examples.

I appreciate your taking the trouble to explain, thank you. I seem to have quite a lot of difficulty with interpreting abstract ideas and speech and I often don't undertand what people mean, especially with idioms. if I don't know the idiom, I might not even be aware that something is an idiom, and take it literally. This is why I only managed a D in English Lit

 

[paloftoon]

hmm, I guess if you know something is a phrase but don't know if it fits in with your interpretation, ask or google it when you can.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

hmm, I guess if you know something is a phrase but don't know if it fits in with your interpretation, ask or google it when you can.

He's gone to Greece with the barber that one.

This is an idiom that doesn't have a meaning.

But it could have. I'm going to use it anyway.