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Why aren't you social?

King_Oni

King_Oni

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Seems like a loaded question, doesn't it?

Earlier today I read about some medication they developed which, in test runs has proven to make people more social. It increases dopamine and thus stimulates prosocial behaviour. (It's called Tolcapone; http://www.cell.com/current-biology/abstract/S0960-9822(15)00135-9). Let's keep arguing over sources and such at a minimum, I'm only linking this as a premise to my train of thought.

Anyway, so here's what I've been wondering. A fair amount of us are seemingly less social. But why is it? Does anyone think it's merely a shortage of dopamine then?

Just speaking for myself; despite that I'm not fond of people in general, I feel that social behavior is more of a roadblock for me to focus on tasks at hand. Heck; when I had jobs, the first thing I was told not to do was talk too much and just keep to myself. I wasn't allowed to be overly social, since it would decrease productivity. And that's kinda why I keep my social contacts to a minimum.

I suppose there are plenty of other reasons why someone isn't social. Fear of rejection might be one, along with not being "trained" to be social and thus failing while trying to interact. And I can try to be as social as much as I want, if I fail to connect to people because I'm a total weirdo, that might contribute as well.

But I'm wondering; any reasons in particular you don't actively engage in a lot of social behaviour? And as such, would medication, provided this has any effect on us, even be something we'd want? Again, from my own view; I'd probably prefer pills that make me want even less human interactin so I can lock myself in for months instead of weeks to actually get stuff done better and more.
 
I have several reasons why I'm not social:

1) I don't trust people. Back when I lived in MN I thought I had good friends, only to be betrayed and kicked out of my house by those "friends" in the end. Then the same thing happened in the next parsonage I moved to (except that time it only took a few months). That showed me that human nature is the same no matter what state you're in, despite the common belief that "Minnesotans are like this and New Yorkers (or whatever) are like that." People can pretend to be your friend for years and years, and only reveal their true colors when something that doesn't suit their fancy happens. Why should I try to socialize and make friends if there's such a big risk of that happening?
2) Any friendships I do form don't last. I can never seem to stay in touch and maintain any relationships, even if I try - and even now I'm hesitant to contact someone first (at least not without a specific reason) because I'm afraid of bothering them. I prefer for the other person to contact me first but most don't. Also, even if we do stay in touch for a while, the other person eventually gets too busy for me, be it with school, work or whatever.
3) I'm excluded. Time and time again I've tried to participate in conversations only to be interrupted, talked over and pretty much completely ignored. I can't even get the smallest comment in. Basically, if it's not just me and one other person in the room, it's guaranteed that the person I'm trying to talk to will be constantly distracted by whoever else is there, and they'll start talking to each other and forget about me. For some reason it's gotten worse as I've gotten older (and I'm only 21). If people ever do notice me, it's to tease and laugh at me.
4) Socialization is superficial and exhausting. All people want to talk about is the weather, school, relatives, medical issues, etc. - stuff that bores me. I get nothing out of it and it just feels like a lot of wasted time that I could have spent productively, working on projects or doing something else that actually means something to me and makes me happy. Plus, people tend to stop talking to me after finding out that I'm not in school, as if school is the only thing to talk about with a young person. And of course they get weirded out if I start talking about anything "abnormal."

So to sum it up, I find socializing pointless in every way.
 
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Why am I not social? Because I feel that one should get to know people, other than the superficial layer and because this is not the case, I repress myself so much that causes untold mental issues and thus, am anti social.

Even the word: social causes bubbles of anxiety. Now if social meant listening to music at top volume ie no talking, I would love that, but, ah well, ain't going to happen and thus, I am social at home with my good self, enjoying what I like doing best ie cross stitching and music.

Oh but I am not always anti social. I do have my moments when it appears every one wants my company lol those are when I feel sure of myself; wish it happened more often and thus, if this med doesn't cause side effects etc, why the heck not
 
I am social if the people involved engage my attention for whatever reason, otherwise I will ignore them. This applies irrespective of the 'event'.
 
umbrellabeach said:
I have several reasons why I'm not social:

1) I don't trust people. Back when I lived in MN I thought I had good friends, only to be betrayed and kicked out of my house by those "friends" in the end. Then the same thing happened in the next parsonage I moved to (except that time it only took a few months). That showed me that human nature is the same no matter what state you're in, despite the common belief that "Minnesotans are like this and New Yorkers are like that." People can pretend to be your friend for years and years, and only reveal their true colors when something that doesn't suit their fancy happens. Why should I try to socialize and make friends if there's such a big risk of that happening?
2) Any friendships I do form don't last. I can never seem to stay in touch and maintain any relationships, even if I try - and even now I'm hesitant to contact someone first (at least not without a specific reason) because I'm afraid of bothering them. I prefer for the other person to contact me first but most don't. Also, even if we do stay in touch for a while, the other person eventually gets too busy for me, be it with school, work or whatever.
3) I'm excluded. Time and time again I've tried to participate in conversations only to be interrupted, talked over and pretty much completely ignored. I can't even get the smallest comment in. Basically, if it's not just me and one other person in the room, it's guaranteed that the person I'm trying to talk to will be constantly distracted by whoever else is there, and they'll start talking to each other and forget about me. For some reason it's gotten worse as I've gotten older (and I'm only 21). If people ever do notice me, it's to tease and laugh at me.
4) Socialization is superficial and exhausting. All people want to talk about is the weather, school, relatives, medical issues, etc. - stuff that bores me. I get nothing out of it and it just feels like a lot of wasted time that I could have spent productively, working on projects or doing something else that actually means something to me and makes me happy. Plus, people tend to stop talking to me after finding out that I'm not in school, as if school is the only thing to talk about with a young person. And of course they get weirded out if I start talking about anything "abnormal."

So to sum it up, I find socializing pointless in every way.
Click to expand...

Well, it's not completely pointless...

But I think the same way as you do, if I can't make any profit from someone's friendship - it's just a waste of time. That profit can be financial or social. I'm sorry if I sound like an a**hole, but it's the truth. In a way, EVERYONE thinks this way. Does anyone you know suck up to a homeless person? Of course not! But (almost) EVERYONE you know sucks up to their boss.

Humans just can't accept the fact that we are selfish animals. Hell, some can't even accept the fact that we are animals! Such an absurd form of stupidity...

In the end, you and I are maladaptive and that will never change, for better or for worse.
Being different is a gift more than a curse in this world.


P.S. I honestly thought nobody sees these things as I do. Thank you.
 
I've often wanted to be more social and in the past even looked forward to social events but then I get there and pretty quickly I just want to leave, I now dread social gatherings. I always wear down and just act like a complete prat. I used to drink because it losened me up and I'd start talking but I've come to realise that 99% of people there are too polite or too scared to tell me to shut up.
I've decided to not drink when these occasions occur and at least be in more control.

"any reasons in particular you don't actively engage in a lot of social behaviour?"
That's one I've been thinking about a lot lately and I'm still trying to figure it out. I think I do want to be social but it always ends up in me replaying conversations in my head and gernally feeling like an idiot and yet another person hating/avoiding me.
On more than one occasion I've met someone honest or drunk enough to just say "I dont like you", it used to provoke a reaction but I got so used to it my response would always be simply "ok"

I'm at a point where I'm happier to be with my kids or on my own. I dont feel like I actally need social interaction anymore.
On the pill cure, I'd need to know exactly how it worked and if satisfied I may use it on rare occasions for the sake of my family since I dont want them to miss out on normal life because.
That said I'm not a fan of long term medicating unless necassary.

Apologies for the ramble but this hit on something I'm struggling with at the moment.
FYI: thanks to everyone here for posting/reading its the most understood I've felt EVER :D
 
I'm not very social because basically I'm scared. Scared of what I might do or say that's seen as innapropriate or boring, scared of people's reactions, scared of being ignored, etc. Many times I've summoned the courage to say something which has taken a lot of effort and self-convincing, then I either say it too quietly that nobody hears, or people do hear but ignore me. So I have learned to only engage if I know for a fact that what I say will be well received, so I don't get demoralised completely. When I get ignored or something similarly bad happens, I always make a promise to myself that I will not ever do the same again because I can't deal with the repeated shame and humiliation involved. But then, once in a while I convince myself that I need to move forward in that particular situation or with that particular person, so I break that promise I made, then 9 times out of 10 instantly regret it.

That said, I don't think I would like to take a medication that would claim to help social situations. I would have no sense of pride when I did do something well socially, because I would know that it was only because of the meds. I also do not feel comfortable not knowing what is really going on. Which is why I hardly ever take any pain killers, (labour was an exception!). I didn't have analgaesics when my teeth were drilled either. I need to know as much as I can of what is really going on, untainted. Which would include what my mind is up to. And how it's doing it.
 
Socializing doesn't have the pay-offs to counteract the risks which have proven themselves large over the years of my life. Medication always goes wrong for me so I would not choose to take it as it would likely make my situation 'worse' not better. I guess what I mean is, I want success at some things in life - very much - and a whole bunch of social contact is not one of them?
 
I can socialize okay as long as I have a trusted friend with me--I call them "anchors." They can introduce me to people, and if things get to heavy I can always go back to them and just stick around them and listen to whatever conversation they themselves might be engaged in, and maybe nod and smile. I have learned to be friendly and even a little talkative since working in retail in a small outfit in a small town for almost three years...but those conversations rarely last more than a couple of minutes, unless it's someone I see almost every day and whom I actually like (not very common). and then the next customer isn't talkative and I can recharge my batteries.

I'm wondering, too, what exactly we mean by "socializing" here. Rarely on this site do I ever hear of it spoken of in more than the vaguest terms, almost as an abstract concept. I think it depends on your friends (or, as sadly so many have experienced, "friends" with scare-quotes).

This is something I have gotten much better at with age. I can put on a mask for a time; and, much like a fun Halloween costume, I can even enjoy it to a certain degree. But most of the time I'm happy hanging out with just one or two close friends and I never go to parties anymore.
 
Fear of rejection, lack of interest, extreme shyness, I'm a terrible conversationalist, all reasons why I don't bother with socializing. I doubt medication would help me with my social skills, and even if it would I wold not want to take it.
 
I'm not interested in their special interests, which someone upthread listed neatly, or in the "can you match this/can you top this" game. Nor are they interested in my special interests. Where would I find the time to dive into a subject if I had to waste so much of it on keeping up with the Joneses and then cutting my conversation to fit?
 
1. My auditory processing issues make everyone sound like The Swedish Chef.
2. My communication challenges make me sound like Beaker.

This is why I only socialize online. :D
 
I am social, in a shy way.
I engage freely in conversation when I think of something to say or if you wanted to talk about something, but most times, I can not think of much to talk about, other than cracking jokes a majority of the time. :P
Even then, I am at my best when I am doing activities with my friends, such as walking around places, board games, video games, bouncing a ball to each other and so on. :)
My speech and confidence in socializing has come very far compared to the past, but I am still very much a friend, who, if you were to meet me, you would find that I do more stuff with you than I talk about things. :)
 
For a lot of people socialising is shallow, and relies on playing games. I'd rather socialise with people who share my interests and carry on a conversation without it consisting of various games such as one-upmanship, " guess what I really mean" or condescending put downs. I don't have the energy any more.
 
Society thinks if you aren't a social person, you aren't a happy one. At least that is the feeling I get. I can be happy and not social. As far as why I am not social, it's simply because I don't want to be.
Edit: I can be very social online.
 
I'm not social because social situations exhaust me and make me feel uncomfortable. I also never meet anyone with common interests. Small talk is torture.

The idea of a pill that makes one more social is interesting. I don't think I would take it. My mind is a crazy place. If the thoughts in my head escape through my mouth to the outside world there's no telling what could happen.
 
Uhura said:
Society thinks if you aren't a social person, you aren't a happy one. At least that is the feeling I get. I can be happy and not social. As far as why I am not social, it's simply because I don't want to be.
Edit: I can be very social online.
Click to expand...

Society's stupid. I'm happier when I'm not socializing. People make me unhappy by insisting I socialize - and then mistreating me when I do.

I also think the idea of a pill to make one more social is one of the stupidest ideas ever thought of. Such a pill would never even get made if the makers spent all their time socializing instead.
 
I don't know how to be. I keep trying, though it gets harder after every failure, because for the short time I get to be around others I feel happier.. right up until they start ignoring me.
Why do they do that?
 
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