Why aren't you social?

[royinpink]

1) I only need one intense friendship and maybe a few 'deep' friendships that I can come back to when I need them and ignore most of the time.

2) I am not interested in most people. They also intimidate me with ways of conversing which I can fake on a good day, but only while feeling like I'm running some kind of awful obstacle course. More often I don't bother, and I think it comes down to the fact that I don't feel any connection there I would want to bother with.

3) When I'm doing poorly, I actually need a romantic partner as a sort of human anxiolytic, to hold me and reassure me that I am lovable. When I am doing less poorly, I find that most people are too...distracting to be around all the time. They're constantly moving or making noise or turning on the TV or interrupting me. It just doesn't give me enough quiet space to be myself. I can handle a planned activity that I am fully focused on, but if we have to just do our own thing in the same space, I can't think straight, which feels horribly frustrating and invasive.

So...no, I don't see meds helping there. They might make me more comfortable spouting off about my interests and not giving a s*** if people think I'm weird, but I don't think they could help me focus when other people are around. And I think that's a key reason why it is so exhausting, not just figuring out the right things to say and do (which is the case with acquaintances).

 

[Progster]

Why aren't I social? Here are my reasons:

People often want to be social in groups or gatherings. These are often in noisy smoky and crowded environments such as restaurants or bars, or in people's homes with kids shouting and the TV on all the time. I can't hear conversation over background noise, can't stand people or kids shouting and hate cigarette smoke. However, if it's just a couple of people in a quiet bar or restaurant I may make the effort and come along.

When people are talking in groups, I'm unable to keep up with and join in the conversation, I'm not interested in the conversation and rarely have anything in common with others. I don't know what to say. When I do think of something to say, someone else has already spoken and the conversation moves on; I miss the opportunity. If I say something I get ignored, or another person speaks at the same time and they all listen to the other person and not to me. I'm ignored. When there several conversations at once, they all merge and it's hard to pick out what people are saying and follow the conversation. I don't feel the emotion of the group, I feel detached from the conversation and alone. If I'm going to be alone, I prefer to be alone at home where I can do something pleasurable to me rather than have the pretense of being in company when really I'm not. I'm no good at banter and small talk bores me, I only like serious conversations. So I avoid things like parties.

At times when I've had a close friend in the past, I've been a lot more social and I made more of an effort to meet and do things with that friend, but at the moment I don't have any close friends apart from my partner. I find it hard to connect with people and don't have much in common with them. People find me boring because I'm not very talkative, I'm way too serious and not 'fun' enough for them, or don't talk about the things that interest them, and my friendships don't usually last long.

Such a sociability pill might be good for my work and might help me to perform better and have more confidence when meeting new people or clients, but other than that, no thanks, I really don't desire to be more social.

 

[Licorice]

There is a trick that's worked for me. A sensitive NT (if there's one in the group) may notice it and remember me favorably later.

If I decide to be curious about someone, I'll make it a deliberate (and slow) focused effort to really see them, to tune to them. I don't talk much, and when I do, it's a "helper comment" suggesting agreement or interest or commonality, and inviting disclosure by revealing something about me that matches something about them.

• Vocal inflection: slightly slower speech, longer pauses, neutral tone;
  
• Posture: slightly tipped head, alert look blinking just fast enough to not stare). I'm told the tipped head is a female thing, but hey, I play the cards I have. It's the obvious "I'm listening" signal.

It's a chess game with real people for pieces. But it pays off in spades if the target is someone feeling similarly overwhelmed (behavior: undertalking, posture: aloof, position: surrounded by people, not at edge or corner).

Silent attention gives this person an option to move into the space I've created, and which I've created for them.

Also worked fine across genders and sexes. My intentions weren't amorous. I just wanted to see if I could do it. I picked up two friends that way (until the usual aspie dynamic took over). Nice while it lasted.

So one thing we aspies bring to the table is that we don't compete for the space, but if we are choosing to be audience, other people not "at the top" of the pyramid are grateful. We can be a refuge for others, if we want to be.

I've tried so hard to do this and only wound up making a few people who needed directions or help happy. I wonder what it is about me that's different even from other Aspies.

 

[Rhymer]

I'm not really social because:

1, I have trouble talking/maintaining a general conversation with somebody about some soul destroying or mundane subject like the weather or TV. It has to be something fascinating.
2, Most people are boring or are ars*holes
3, I like my own company

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm semi-social.

I have close friends, but they're scattered all over the globe and I like it that way. Not one of them are local except my housemate, whom I've known since childhood. I also really enjoy talking to strangers and having loose acquaintances that I chat with when I happen to bump into them, which entails an element of choice as I can dodge or easily escape them if I want to.

What I really don't like are the mid-range relationships that form the basis of most NT socialization, along with genuine friends who are geographically close. That's all about obligation for me. I don't like the pressure of arranging social meetings it would be rude to break, because what sounds like a good idea when I make the date often doesn't seem half as appealing on the day. I don't want to have to make excuses of explain myself when I change my mind about getting together; I don't want to lie, but the truth is taken too personally no matter how I deliver it.

If I'm totally honest, I'd have to say that my problems with self-esteem and depression also make me reluctant to socialize much. Questions like, "What have you been up to?" and "What's wrong?" are painful to my ears. The former because I never feel like I'm doing as much as I should be, and the latter because people don't understand that bouts of depression aren't always attributable to something external or explainable, and I don't owe anybody a summary of my problems anyway. Where my other reasons were about obligation, I guess my reason here is about pride.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Now that you have reminded me, I realize....so did I.

Add: they kept filter-free Camels going at all times, lighting a fresh one from almost defunct one; remarking upon other workers' morals in case someone wore the same skirt 2 days in a row; criticizing below-the-knee length skirt as "a sloppy length" while oblivious to the fact that their hem lines were below-the-knee...OH! Also, anyone who laughed must be on drugs.

A fun crew they were.
If Sheldon Cooper is reading this: Yes, that was sarcasm.

Heheh, yup! Nagging, heavy smokers, and prone to actually enjoying beer. (Can't stomach beer, myself.) Mine also binged on Mountain Dew. They also sat around, complaining about how work never got done, while me and one other girl did the most of the unloading and stocking.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I've tried so hard to do this and only wound up making a few people who needed directions or help happy. I wonder what it is about me that's different even from other Aspies.

(((Hug))). Hope that's OK.

We are different from each other, too. I think I'm [miserably] social, for an aspie, so I felt driven to acquire some simulation of social skills because I need people, but not people contact, so much. Slithytoves said it in a way I liked:

If I'm totally honest, I'd have to say that my problems with self-esteem and depression also make me reluctant to socialize much. Questions like, "What have you been up to?" and "What's wrong?" are painful to my ears. The former because I never feel like I'm doing as much as I should be, and the latter because people don't understand that bouts of depression aren't always attributable to something external or explainable, and I don't owe anybody a summary of my problems anyway.

If I'm honest, I'm pretending an interest in advance of what I feel, so that the detective inside can find out what's true.

 

[Spiller]

Hmm, that group of women do get around, don't they!

I worked for a short time in a really noisy factory years ago and I'd swear that they worked there too, only they were all lip readers - they had to be because I couldn't hear a damn thing over the racket of the machines..

I have an idea that supports there being 'More to Heaven and Earth than is experienced by our five senses', in that certain stereotypes become so ingrained in genetic memory that, given changes in style, context and location (unless one can actually see through the illusion to the scantily-skin-tight-fur-clad, high-heeled-clog-wearing anthropomorphic persona), that we actually, with our certain belief (and subconscious fear) that they'll surely be there to pick on us, give them a semblance of life, like animate stage scenery, whereupon they, and many other like-anthropomorphs, fill in the background to everyday life, serving to aid our total immersion in the unreal.

Possible clues to subconscious realisation of this concept include:

Red Dwarf's 'Back to Reality'
The thirteenth Floor (Based on the 1964 novel..)
Simulacron-3
The Truman Show
The Matrix

It all comes down to perception and how limited the five senses and our ability to interpret their input are, really. I find it intriguing that Einstein's notion that reality is subject to the view of the observer might also apply to variances in neuro-physiology, such that NT's experience the same apparent world differently to AS/ASD's, as much as to cultural and generational expectations.
Wouldn't it be crazy if it turned out there were actually only a relative few real people.. or one.. NO! That way lies real Paranoia!.. Or another great film script..
Of course, I could just be completely mad

 

[Warmheart]

I am not social because:

Socially, I have the refinement & grace of an Oompa-Loompa.
A conversation feels like I'm suddenly left alone to land a rapidly plummeting commercial aircraft!
Like Gump crashing a Mensa meeting, I often have no idea what people want from me.
I have a very brief window of time to be around people before I'm drained/overwhelmed & brain fog renders me doofy.
Multiple people filling up a cramped space can suddenly cause me to bolt out of there. If mentally clear I can then easily re-orient, but if not clear, Zombie Stroll may happen. D'oh! I am learning to budget my socializing time (even over the phone) before situations that require my clarity.

 

[Etzelaire]

I ask that to myself every time my friends tell me to do something and I always manage to stay at home alone. Why do I always stay alone?
Maybe because I do the math and going with them does not end up with profit, otherwise I would do it without giving it further tought. Everything in my life is about being profitable or a waste.

 

[shakeitup94]

couple reasons. First I do have a few fiends from high school still however I don't know how much they are re friends as more we are all social misfits and just use to and still do hang out with each other to be normal and please parents. Cause we really have nothing in common!

So first if there's a lot of people I don't know I just don't know what to do.
Two if it's a friends thing and there's someone I am fighting with or don't like I will just avoid the whole thing.
Third I find prolonged get together a (meaning more than about an hour excluding a movie or some activity) really really boring.

 

[Spiller]

To me, the profit has become solely about learning to socialise - increasing my circle of aquaintances from literally 0 to.. well, a handful, including friends, if I can successfully discern that particular creature.
I've learned over time that it's important to discover what the popular appearance, knowledge and conversation are about, learn to imitate these and practice them on everyone you meet.. most will be friendly for a while, though occasionally you'll meet someone who is a genuine friend.
It's either a numbers game, or Fate.. I really don't know!
What I do know is that I need social interaction to survive!

 

[umbrellabeach]

Why aren't I social? Here are my reasons:

People often want to be social in groups or gatherings. These are often in noisy smoky and crowded environments such as restaurants or bars, or in people's homes with kids shouting and the TV on all the time. I can't hear conversation over background noise, can't stand people or kids shouting and hate cigarette smoke. However, if it's just a couple of people in a quiet bar or restaurant I may make the effort and come along.

When people are talking in groups, I'm unable to keep up with and join in the conversation, I'm not interested in the conversation and rarely have anything in common with others. I don't know what to say. When I do think of something to say, someone else has already spoken and the conversation moves on; I miss the opportunity. If I say something I get ignored, or another person speaks at the same time and they all listen to the other person and not to me. I'm ignored. When there several conversations at once, they all merge and it's hard to pick out what people are saying and follow the conversation. I don't feel the emotion of the group, I feel detached from the conversation and alone. If I'm going to be alone, I prefer to be alone at home where I can do something pleasurable to me rather than have the pretense of being in company when really I'm not. I'm no good at banter and small talk bores me, I only like serious conversations. So I avoid things like parties.

Those are accurate descriptions of my experiences too. I forgot to note the part about the environment being too noisy for conversation. I get very exhausted very soon if I have to constantly strain to hear another person and yell at the top of my voice to be heard - and people don't hear me anyway. I'm convinced that they subconsciously filter me out as background noise.

 

[Naturalist]

This has been a really great thread to follow, because recently I gave myself permission to exempt myself from many of the social "obligations" which seemed to be piled upon me in every direction, by friends, family, and co-workers. The only obligations I have chosen to keep are 1) occasional playdates for my son, and 2) calling once a week (with a preordained time limit) to keep in touch with my family in other states.

And I am finding that I actually really LIKE a non-social life. Why? For just the reasons everyone has elaborated: socializing has always been too draining in terms of time and energy, and without it, I am able to stay focused on my interests which in turn keeps me alert and happy. As a young person, I let people convince me that I would be so much happier and "well-adjusted" if I had more friends. So now in my thirties I have become someone who talks compulsively when others are around (result of people constantly telling me to "speak up" and "interact") and feels burnt out after every telephone call or trip to the post office, and is overcommitted to things that matter to everyone BUT me. That is no recipe for happiness! Moreover, it meant I was incapable of being there for the one person who really needs me: my son. Looking forward to committing the rest of my life to my interests first, and people (just a few of them) in manageable doses. Selfish & self-centered (as my mom used to say)? Yes, admittedly. But does it work for me? Also, yes, much more than the alternative... having tried both.

 

[Licorice]

(((Hug))). Hope that's OK.

We are different from each other, too. I think I'm [miserably] social, for an aspie, so I felt driven to acquire some simulation of social skills because I need people, but not people contact, so much. Slithytoves said it in a way I liked:

If I'm honest, I'm pretending an interest in advance of what I feel, so that the detective inside can find out what's true.

I'm social for an Aspie, too, but that doesn't mean I've been able to obtain any semblance of success with either people or people contact. I'd call myself driven if I've read an entire popular website on social skills, finished a long social skills podcast, and read a couple of social skills books on top of various articles or Reddit posts that I encountered in passing.

I wish I was the type who could work on nothing but a special interest all day, every day. Those are truly the blessed ones, especially if their careers, special interests, or desires in life don't require connecting much with the outside world, like programming or mathematics. I got writing, and I'd trade the meager money I've made for just a chance. Half the time I'm too apathetic to focus.

 

[Paula Silva]

I have several reasons why I'm not social:

1) I don't trust people. Back when I lived in MN I thought I had good friends, only to be betrayed and kicked out of my house by those "friends" in the end. Then the same thing happened in the next parsonage I moved to (except that time it only took a few months). That showed me that human nature is the same no matter what state you're in, despite the common belief that "Minnesotans are like this and New Yorkers (or whatever) are like that." People can pretend to be your friend for years and years, and only reveal their true colors when something that doesn't suit their fancy happens. Why should I try to socialize and make friends if there's such a big risk of that happening?
2) Any friendships I do form don't last. I can never seem to stay in touch and maintain any relationships, even if I try - and even now I'm hesitant to contact someone first (at least not without a specific reason) because I'm afraid of bothering them. I prefer for the other person to contact me first but most don't. Also, even if we do stay in touch for a while, the other person eventually gets too busy for me, be it with school, work or whatever.
3) I'm excluded. Time and time again I've tried to participate in conversations only to be interrupted, talked over and pretty much completely ignored. I can't even get the smallest comment in. Basically, if it's not just me and one other person in the room, it's guaranteed that the person I'm trying to talk to will be constantly distracted by whoever else is there, and they'll start talking to each other and forget about me. For some reason it's gotten worse as I've gotten older (and I'm only 21). If people ever do notice me, it's to tease and laugh at me.
4) Socialization is superficial and exhausting. All people want to talk about is the weather, school, relatives, medical issues, etc. - stuff that bores me. I get nothing out of it and it just feels like a lot of wasted time that I could have spent productively, working on projects or doing something else that actually means something to me and makes me happy. Plus, people tend to stop talking to me after finding out that I'm not in school, as if school is the only thing to talk about with a young person. And of course they get weirded out if I start talking about anything "abnormal."

So to sum it up, I find socializing pointless in every way.

try to find people who likes the subjects as you

 

[Uhura]

I am social for limited amounts of time but am not social more because I find it emotionally exhausting. Socializing just to do shopping takes it out of me and I cannot do other social things the same day.

I am not social because I don't want to be and others will just have to live with that. I seem social because I like places like the library where I am around people but do not have to interact with them. Same with other places I go too.

But I think it is fine that we aren't 'social butterfly' people who always are talking to others just for the sake of talking. And the weird thing is that there are times when I am with someone and I do talk. The difference being is that it seems most people talk focusing on the people. When I talk I 'see' the topic, unless it is a person I am concerned about.

 

[The Penguin]

I find part of the reason me not being very social is I don't connect with common society behavior. Drinking, Drugs, Parties, Sports, FPS Game, and many other things.

I do have people ask me what do I like to do? Well I like Lego and model trains but not many adults are into this. I do like hiking which I know there a decent amount of people into this and there many groups out there. I find groups would't work for me since I like taking many photos and videos. I can sometimes stay in the same area for hours sometimes capturing stuff. Most people would't be able to put up with this. For me, I prefer connecting with nature and animals during my hiking trip. I consider it more interesting than humans. I starting to learn how to communicate with animals.

 

[The Penguin]

Society thinks if you aren't a social person, you aren't a happy one. At least that is the feeling I get. I can be happy and not social. As far as why I am not social, it's simply because I don't want to be.

During times I have a regular income, I can be very happy by not being social. For me, as long I can do many hiking and camping trips alone, this is enough to make me happy in life.

 

[Butterfly88]

I have social anxiety. I also have trouble going loud places, therefore it is hard to meet people.