He was inferior in a way that I was inferior too.
Equality need some kind of ofert-demand equilibrium. I want something from you, you want something of me, so we are more or less equals.
If I want/need something of you but you dont want/dont need something from me or even worse, dislike/hate/despise me, then there is inferiority.
When I was younger I desired company, I desired to share afection, I was captivated by female beauty, I wanted sex too, but above all I wanted to love and be loved. So I wanted something of other people
I was lucky enougth to be more or less handsome. I could see that my body was apealing to others (first time impressions). It just happened that I only needed 10 or 15 minutes being myself to convince the other human being that I was to be avoid, not desired.
So I wanted something of other people and in turn those people just wanted me to go away, or to ask me how to solve the homework.
Thats inferiority. I needed something desperately of them, they liked my body disliking my true self.
In that situation the logic conclusion is that the true self is bad, wrong and responsible of all the suffering that comes from feel rejected and not having those needs satisfied. The natural way to react to that is to move alternately from two very distinctive view points:
A) I want/need others, the obstacle to have them is myself, so I hate myself. This leads to sadness, self hate and depression.
B) I want myself, the lack of love/understanding of others is making me suffer so I hate/despise others. This is quite easy being more intelligent than them. So this leads to arrogance, building an armor so others cant get to me, etc.
Some people may choose just one of those states and have an integrated view on the reality. Trauma means a non integrated view. So both views are valid at the same time, this makes not possible to integrate them into one single verbal memory.
Hate to self protects those whose love I wanted from hating them. Hating them protects myself from my hate.
Gerald needs to find his own way to accept what happened, asign responsabilities to others and himself, accept the suffering, duel for the pain he suffered and maybe also the pain he caused to others.
He need to find his own answer to his own trauma.
Of course he was inferior to others, so was I, so have been many other human beings, so are cats and dogs who need their owners to feed them, so are kids who need their parents to take care of them and guide them in life.
Did you had enougth life guiadance from your caretakers Gerald? You could not guide yourself, you was a child. Is your self hate protecting others from being hated?
Ultimatelly hate was/is a symtom for me. Its a good tool to solve some agression stuff, but it was not usefull to solve this problems I described. It was not the tool to be used to get out of that hole.
There was nobody to be hated.
My parents gave me the best they could with the limited resources they had.
Those beautiful and desired girls behave with me the better they could with the resources they had. They were genetically coded to want someone NORMAL in their lifes, not me.
And I did the best I could with the resources I had. The very best, I really tried hard, I put a lot of efford into doing my best, fail after fail after fail. I really tried.
So nobody to hate. No hate needed.
Thanks for reading, I had a point to share and ended venting. I guess I needed some venting.
Im human too, some days at least.
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