Why do I think I can change things?

[SimonSays]

So today, I finally heard from the landlord. He called me. But not about my issue. Apparently one of the girls downstairs came home to find her door was open when she was sure she had locked it doesn’t make any sense to me but still as a result the landlord was just ringing round to, I don’t know exactly what, see if anything had been seen or if I knew anything.
I am under suspicion because I’m the new guy who is a bit strange? So once I sort of suggested maybe it was the wind maybe she hadn’t closed it properly? I said to him well I’ve got you on the line can we talk about the smoking issue here please? He said yes okay and he sort of let me tell him and he said he was going to have another word with him because this is not the first time that somebody’s complained that he’s been smoking and he agreed not to smoke in his room so perhaps at least for a while it might be better. Here’s hoping.

 

[SDRSpark]

So today, I finally heard from the landlord. He called me. But not about my issue. Apparently one of the girls downstairs came home to find her door was open when she was sure she had locked it doesn’t make any sense to me but still as a result the landlord was just ringing round to, I don’t know exactly what, see if anything had been seen or if I knew anything.
I am under suspicion because I’m the new guy who is a bit strange? So once I sort of suggested maybe it was the wind maybe she hadn’t closed it properly? I said to him well I’ve got you on the line can we talk about the smoking issue here please? He said yes okay and he sort of let me tell him and he said he was going to have another word with him because this is not the first time that somebody’s complained that he’s been smoking and he agreed not to smoke in his room so perhaps at least for a while it might be better. Here’s hoping.

Fingers crossed!!!

 

[SimonSays]

Fingers crossed!!!

I had only just decided to leave him a note. I took my copy of the rental agreement where it mentioned no smoking, wrote next to it ‘ please don’t smoke in the house‘ and left it by his door. Literally one minute later the landlord rings. And in telling me he’s already had words with him about smoking, my note probably wouldn’t have made any difference. The landlord was a much better solution. I took the note back.

 

[SDRSpark]

I had only just decided to leave him a note. I took my copy of the rental agreement where it mentioned no smoking, wrote next to it ‘ please don’t smoke in the house‘ and left it by his door. Literally one minute later the landlord rings. And in telling me he’s already had words with him about smoking, my note probably wouldn’t have made any difference. The landlord was a much better solution. I took the note back.

Now, I hope the landlord holds him to it. If he's getting multiple complaints, he's got to realize that a) he's going to lose tenants and b) the smoking is doing expensive damage to his property which will make it harder to rent in the future without massive cleaning.

 

[SimonSays]

While I had no idea why someone's room door would be open after they went away and left it unlocked by mistake. The way it was revealed to me made me feel guilty even though I had no knowledge about it at all. I don't know why I felt guilty unless I was picking up subconsciously I was under suspicion being the only person they thought it could be.

Now unfortunately I know people are scared, even more as a result of Covid fear, this is in many ways exactly how they are meant to be. So my suggestion that there had to be an innocent explanation; she didn't quite latch the door properly so that it could just slip open, wasn’t believable.

She was asked to check if anything was missing. And yet surely if somebody had entered her room, and why would they even assume her door would be unlocked to try in the first place? But if they had, why would they leave the door open to make it obvious? Nothing was missing. Why? Because no one had gone in there. No one would. But they don't know that. They don’t know me. I’m the strange bloke who spends most of his time in his room. People always become suspicious of the stranger. I had the same thing when I lived in my van, a few times somebody called the police or the council and I’d have to tell them why I’m there and who I am before they went away satisfied.

I can’t explain why being told about something I had nothing to do with should make me feel guilt. Was it being subconsciously projected from suspicions and assumptions that it had to be me?

Now their doors are closed instead of being left slightly open as they come and go because this is their home. This is not a place one needs to be afraid. I never lock my door whether I'm in or out. Why should I lock it? I have no fear of anyone crossing boundaries. No strangers wander around. I often left my van open. I don’t live in a world where I have to be afraid of my neighbour. And yet I felt so uncomfortable like I was being accused. Nobody was accusing me of anything but I felt the need to offer a creative solution to something that really should never have happened. If you're afraid make sure you lock your door then there's no problem. It made me realise how afraid they are. And the fact that I'm not may seem strange to them. I just don't focus on things that are not real. They do it without thinking and it makes me sad to see it.

 

[SimonSays]

I know if I’m being honest I don’t like it here. You’ve read the things I’ve said about what goes on. But it has become easier, at least with the issues affecting me directly, but now it feels like I’m even more ostracised after what took place downstairs. One tenant just walked past me without saying a word. I said good morning she didn’t reply. It’s like I’ve been judged the one who opened the door because they can’t imagine how else it occurred and while of course there is no evidence it doesn’t feel nice.

Life does have a habit of making sure I am where I am supposed to be. And if I am not where I am supposed to be or not happy where I am things have a habit of happening that eventually end up with me having to go even if it has nothing to do with me at all. And just as I start to feel like maybe I can live here; it isn’t easy to go, and I have to be somewhere, why not stay? And yet it doesn’t feel right.

This could all be paranoia of course. But then that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. All I can do is just carry on doing my thing.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

If I was there and my room had a lock I would tend to use the lock, not as a signal but to suit my practical purpose my way. I wouldn't assume that someone else doing different was meant to send me a message. I was brought up in an atmosphere of diversity. The woman who walked past you probably had something on her mind. Everyone behaves varied all the time, really. My take is, not every circumstance is meant to become intense for me. Starting to lock their doors is meant to reassure you that you are not in the frame, not the reverse.

 

[SimonSays]

I'm finally typing on a laptop again and not tapping on a phone. It’s not perfect as the keyboard has been failing for a while and some letters don’t register if I don’t hit them right; the ‘e’ and the ‘t’ in particular. I’ve spent ages slowly adding a correction database to Word, so that it auto corrects anything missing letters and saves me a lot of time changing things.

I used to be a bit heavy on the keyboard when I’d get into the flow, years of pounding have taken their toll. It is 9 years old now. So I know I can’t write on it like I used to, and it still makes sense to dictate with my phone (laptop microphone doesn’t work), transcribe it, paste the text into ‘notes’, then start editing/polishing on the laptop as everything just appears there as if by magic. But there are times when I don’t feel like talking and just want to keep the silence.

It will get replaced at some point, but as I mostly use it for browsing and watching anyway, I want to make it last as long as possible. I'm like that. Willing to put up with failing things rather than use money to solve them. I make it harder for myself sometimes, but I accept this without feeling like a victim. Like, walking an hour from the station to my home wearing a heavy backpack rather than taking a bus or a taxi. Walking is good for me. Exercise should involve effort. I like to be creative and make my life work efficiently. It feels simpler, less thought and interaction with people and their systems. I don’t buy things most people would pay for. I don’t have an income. My savings are finite. And I'm extremely frugal. But it doesn’t really matter how much I have. I always do it this way. I don’t acquire things I don’t need, and if I need something I explore repurposing, recycling, a charity shop, then what might be reduced or on offer elsewhere, and never just indulge myself. I have to justify everything. Over think it. It’s not a free mind state. It’s OCD.

I have bursts of creative expression, and really enjoy the feeling, but eventually it stops. I disconnect without noticing. Weeks can go by. If I take a little cannabis, it might open the door to unexpected inspiration, and suddenly I'm seeing things I want to look at and talk about. If I write something and I like it, it encourages me to share it. If I share it and it is responded to, I feel connected again. Inspired to say more. I really need that. I feel like I'm missing it. And the cycle continues. The same thing happens with people. Connection, release, silence. Connection, release, silence.

I get bored easily. A side effect of high functioning. Intense creative bursts followed by silence. Always been this way. The most interesting people won’t hold me for long. Whether they’re talking to me, or they’re listening to me speak. Not long. I think I may be a bit bi-polar.

So isn’t it strange that I may have: ASD, Bi-polar, OCD, ADD, neuroses, paranoia, and perhaps a couple more things, and have no diagnosis for anything? So that in moments when I feel like I have to get assessed again, the high functioning part makes me seem ‘normal’. I know I’m not normal, but I can seem that way. Then, when nobody is looking, the mask of normality falls away, I breathe the air as myself for a while, before putting it back on to live in the world.

Some of my adjustment mechanisms may not be the best tools, but with no support and a whole life of self-adjusting, they work, but only for a while. Perhaps that is what being supported would actually mean; helped to function without having to deal with these constant cycles. I can only imagine what it feels like to be supported and not just having to rely on myself.

I am of course getting older. What I could once do easily takes more time. Writing for example. Expressing an idea coherently, speaking fluently, being who I am. More time and energy are needed. I have the time. I have the energy. I still want to communicate and be understood. I do what I have to do to do that. I’ll keep doing that as long as I am able to. If that ever changes, I’ll just have to come up with another way.

 

[SDRSpark]

I'm finally typing on a laptop again and not tapping on a phone. It’s not perfect as the keyboard has been failing for a while and some letters don’t register if I don’t hit them right; the ‘e’ and the ‘t’ in particular. I’ve spent ages slowly adding a correction database to Word, so that it auto corrects anything missing letters and saves me a lot of time changing things.

Why not get an external keyboard? You can probably pick one up pretty cheaply - it may not be the best keyboard (or maybe it will be a really good one...some have been had at thrift stores for a very small amount of money) but it's got to be better than the one you're using. There are some well reviewed keyboards on Amazon for $20 or less.

 

[Amphilyke]

Nice idea. I wouldn’t make such a purchase though as I only have what I can carry. I am hoping to find something better so hopefully the situation won’t last.

there are small ones available. I have one that's maybe a foot wide, six inches across, four inches tall. It's in another state right now so I'm guesstimating but it's quite small and light-weight. Shop around, you may find what you need, in case the smoking starts up again assuming it has stopped (sorry, I've only been skimming, I got a lot of unread posts and i don't want to mark all forums read, just only specific ones, but I hven't figured out how so I'm just clicking on all 14 pages of unread posts lol)