Why does RSD hurt so bad?

[jsilver256]

I can see that RSD is obviously quite hurtful, but I'm still struggling to understand this concept. Why is it important to be liked? What are the changes in life that come as a result of being more popular? The only one I can objectively think of is more birthdays I won't remember and more social invites I want to turn down.

 

[Misty Avich]

I can see that RSD is obviously quite hurtful, but I'm still struggling to understand this concept. Why is it important to be liked? What are the changes in life that come as a result of being more popular? The only one I can objectively think of is more birthdays I won't remember and more social invites I want to turn down.

I'm not really sure myself. I guess for some of us it feels like social failure. Or for those of us that hate being on the spectrum and are hoping we've been misdiagnosed all our lives, getting socially rejected time after time just proves that we are socially unsuccessful. It makes it worse when you know your social skills aren't even that bad or that other Aspies you know of manage to find and keep friends. And then there's the anxiety of being alone without any friends in the future. We really desire to belong. There's all kinds of other reasons why we hate being shunted to the side.

 

[tree]

What about that friend of yours who was pregnant?

Was that easier for you to accept since it was unplanned,
and un-anticipated at her age?

I haven't seen you fretting over that.
How come?

 

[Misty Avich]

What about that friend of yours who was pregnant?W

as that easier for you to accept since it was unplanned,

and un-anticipated at her age?

I haven't seen you fretting over that.
How come?

Because I guess I can't be depressed for long (ebbs and flows). Also I've sent her a congratulations card, and have also seen her since, so I guess that "broke the ice" a bit.
Because I'm not a psychopath (not saying anyone here has said I was) I love my cousin enough to want her to feel happy, and I can feel her happiness.
But inside I still wish this wasn't happening.

 

[jsilver256]

I'm not really sure myself. I guess for some of us it feels like social failure. Or for those of us that hate being on the spectrum and are hoping we've been misdiagnosed all our lives, getting socially rejected time after time just proves that we are socially unsuccessful. It makes it worse when you know your social skills aren't even that bad or that other Aspies you know of manage to find and keep friends. And then there's the anxiety of being alone without any friends in the future. We really desire to belong. There's all kinds of other reasons why we hate being shunted to the side.

Yeah, if your self-worth is in your ability to perform at a certain social level, it makes sense why RSD would be detrimental. It's hard to imagine a worse combo with autism.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yeah, if your self-worth is in your ability to perform at a certain social level, it makes sense why RSD would be detrimental. It's hard to imagine a worse combo with autism.

I know. It's why I hate being on the spectrum. All I do is live a life of hurt and isolation. RSD is more common in folks with ADHD than autism though, probably because ADHD is more socially-orientated or something. I'm socially-oriented.

 

[Misty Avich]

This is what RSD looks like.

 

[thejuice]

I'm feeling like that

 

[Misty Avich]

It's like I fear social isolation. I fear that feeling of very seldom feeling valued by my peers. I'm not saying I'm unlikeable and I'm not even saying no-one likes me, because I know that people do like me, but I've always been the third wheel, kept in the dark sort of thing.

Among people who have treated me horribly, I have obviously met some nice people, but then I lost touch with them. I remember back in 2011 I met this couple where I volunteered. They often wanted to hang out with me, and we got on really well. I wasn't even a third wheel or anything. I felt accepted and wanted by people who weren't blood-related to me for once.
But then one day I noticed they didn't want me around so much. I picked up on all the non-verbal cues (because I don't have difficulty recognising non-verbal language or social cues). I felt rejected. Then the texts dwindled off and I never saw them again after that. I tried getting back in touch with them on Facebook but to no avail.

I used to be quite clingy when I was a child but I learnt how to not be so clingy or needy when I became an adult. I just relax and enjoy myself, and know not to bombard friends with too many texts (I'm not really a texter anyway, although I do text when it feels appropriate). But this is how I get treated.

I think it just frightens me because I often worry about what this will mean when I'm older (in my 60s and 70s) when a lot of my older relatives have passed on, including my husband, and I'll want to have company but nobody will accept me. It hurts. And it panics me that I'll probably die alone and unloved. Did that bring tears to your eyes? If it did then that's how much RSD hurts.

RSD is like having a burst appendix, only the pain is emotional. But it's still pain. Then that pain causes self-hatred and resentment of oneself. Which is why having an ASD really doesn't suit me and I don't want it.

 

[jsilver256]

Just providing a perspective here, not trying to be critical or anything...

You say "I picked up on all the non-verbal cues (because I don't have difficulty recognising non-verbal language or social cues)" but I remember an example where you misinterpreted the lack of a mug gift for rejection, and you also say in your message you "learned" to not to bombard people with so many messages.

Have you considered that your RSD is making you mis-interpret a lot of otherwise neutral messages and cues as dislike?

I think rejection is an actual "effort" for both NTs and NDs and rarely consciously engaged in.

I'm also getting some mixed messages on what you're actually wanting - do you want meaningful relationships so you're not lonely late in life? Do you want the perception of popularity (Facebook likes)? Or do you want fewer feelings of rejection?

Again, I'm just trying to figure out how to best support you insofar as strangers on a message board can support one another, and I do it in a pretty clumsy way sometimes.

 

[thejuice]

It's like I fear social isolation. I fear that feeling of very seldom feeling valued by my peers. I'm not saying I'm unlikeable and I'm not even saying no-one likes me, because I know that people do like me, but I've always been the third wheel, kept in the dark sort of thing.

Among people who have treated me horribly, I have obviously met some nice people, but then I lost touch with them. I remember back in 2011 I met this couple where I volunteered. They often wanted to hang out with me, and we got on really well. I wasn't even a third wheel or anything. I felt accepted and wanted by people who weren't blood-related to me for once.
But then one day I noticed they didn't want me around so much. I picked up on all the non-verbal cues (because I don't have difficulty recognising non-verbal language or social cues). I felt rejected. Then the texts dwindled off and I never saw them again after that. I tried getting back in touch with them on Facebook but to no avail.

I used to be quite clingy when I was a child but I learnt how to not be so clingy or needy when I became an adult. I just relax and enjoy myself, and know not to bombard friends with too many texts (I'm not really a texter anyway, although I do text when it feels appropriate). But this is how I get treated.

I think it just frightens me because I often worry about what this will mean when I'm older (in my 60s and 70s) when a lot of my older relatives have passed on, including my husband, and I'll want to have company but nobody will accept me. It hurts. And it panics me that I'll probably die alone and unloved. Did that bring tears to your eyes? If it did then that's how much RSD hurts.

RSD is like having a burst appendix, only the pain is emotional. But it's still pain. Then that pain causes self-hatred and resentment of oneself. Which is why having an ASD really doesn't suit me and I don't want it.

I didn't feel much reading that apart from I thought "oh yeah I will probably die alone too" so I know what you mean

 

[thejuice]

I was always the third wheel when I was younger but at least I had friends to be a third wheel with! I do prefer not having fake friends, I could reconnect but I don't want to..

 

[thejuice]

I also get over attached. I hate it. I have one online friend and I m screwing it up

 

[Misty Avich]

Just providing a perspective here, not trying to be critical or anything...

You say "I picked up on all the non-verbal cues (because I don't have difficulty recognising non-verbal language or social cues)" but I remember an example where you misinterpreted the lack of a mug gift for rejection, and you also say in your message you "learned" to not to bombard people with so many messages.

Well, when it comes to body language at face value I can "read between the lines", where as with not getting a mug did not come with any body language from a human being to signal that it might or might not be social rejection. Anyone could have construed that as a matter of rejection.

In the case of my friends, the way they once said to me "you're going to get some lunch now?" just told me that what they really was saying was, "we don't really want you with us." I guess this doesn't sound like social rejection unless I also give the context, but it's too much to go into.

Have you considered that your RSD is making you mis-interpret a lot of otherwise neutral messages and cues as dislike?

No, I've been socially rejected so many times in my life (before I had or knew about RSD) that I can just feel social rejection when I see it - in someone's tone, body language, etc.

I think rejection is an actual "effort" for both NTs and NDs and rarely consciously engaged in.

I'm also getting some mixed messages on what you're actually wanting - do you want meaningful relationships so you're not lonely late in life? Do you want the perception of popularity (Facebook likes)? Or do you want fewer feelings of rejection?

I'm naturally interested in social relationships so fear of dying alone isn't the reason I go looking for social relationships. But I think I fear being rejected or excluded because of that horrible feeling of social isolation.

Again, I'm just trying to figure out how to best support you insofar as strangers on a message board can support one another, and I do it in a pretty clumsy way sometimes.

It's difficult to explain without my post going on for too long. Social interaction is very complex, contextual and subjective, and is easier felt than explained logically.

 

[Seladon]

It's like I fear social isolation. I fear that feeling of very seldom feeling valued by my peers. I'm not saying I'm unlikeable and I'm not even saying no-one likes me, because I know that people do like me, but I've always been the third wheel, kept in the dark sort of thing.

Among people who have treated me horribly, I have obviously met some nice people, but then I lost touch with them. I remember back in 2011 I met this couple where I volunteered. They often wanted to hang out with me, and we got on really well. I wasn't even a third wheel or anything. I felt accepted and wanted by people who weren't blood-related to me for once.
But then one day I noticed they didn't want me around so much. I picked up on all the non-verbal cues (because I don't have difficulty recognising non-verbal language or social cues). I felt rejected. Then the texts dwindled off and I never saw them again after that. I tried getting back in touch with them on Facebook but to no avail.

I used to be quite clingy when I was a child but I learnt how to not be so clingy or needy when I became an adult. I just relax and enjoy myself, and know not to bombard friends with too many texts (I'm not really a texter anyway, although I do text when it feels appropriate). But this is how I get treated.

I think it just frightens me because I often worry about what this will mean when I'm older (in my 60s and 70s) when a lot of my older relatives have passed on, including my husband, and I'll want to have company but nobody will accept me. It hurts. And it panics me that I'll probably die alone and unloved. Did that bring tears to your eyes? If it did then that's how much RSD hurts.

RSD is like having a burst appendix, only the pain is emotional. But it's still pain. Then that pain causes self-hatred and resentment of oneself. Which is why having an ASD really doesn't suit me and I don't want it.

Very poignant writing, your pain is so palpable and relatable.

In the words of Winter Steele, "I don't think I ever felt so much like a vacant lot, inside and out..."



It's the fading and shuffling out when you feel the interest die off from their end that gets me. Never gets less hurtful or disappointing. The lack of closure as to why also eats away. To this day I think about a few friends I lost along the way with knawing confusion. This plagues NTs as well, though.