Why is my ASD son doing this?

[Jordy]

These are all really excellent answers.
I have a friend that has a 17 year old with some kind of disorder. Unfortunately he really hasn't had good doctors in his area. The kid is literally a genius. Vapes, pot, snorts crushed Adderol. He is so addicted that without it he can't eat or sleep. My friend says the child makes life at home as difficult as possible for them. He is a good kind empathetic person that I have never seen mad. Both very smart with degrees in various fields. They have a 2nd smart child normal child that is wonderful. It has come to the point they have to put the 1st son in some sort of institute to clean him up. The kid went so far to fake urine drug tests at home. They need to go to therapy every week. They believe he has personality disorder + ADHD. I feel bad for the kid and the parents. He is a genius and can be/do whatever he wants but the miswired neurology is killing him.

What a waste of his brains, if he lifes like that for long hes definitely going to lose some iq points. It will harm his neurology on top of the problems he already has. My sister has been addicted to drugs to cope with her undiagnosed autism for years, shes been in an institute to clean her up but continued drug abuse the day she got released, a lost cause really.

 

[Suzette]

@The Lorax
I think you take away the computer privledge for a while. This is simply a consequence of not going to bed.
By this time you have already done something about school. Did he go? I hope so.

Don't be afraid of his meltdowns. They are his responsibility in life and he has to start figuring out how to manage his feelings. Seriously. He can't learn how to do that if you are always trying to manipulate, mitigate and manage to ensure you avoid the melt downs.

 

[Aspychata]

Basically a lot of us suffer from insomnia which l noted after reading a lot of posts here. So it's a tough road your teenager walks. Our brains can be so over-stimulated that we can't focus on actual sleep.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

BTW I don't nag him. I was pretty self aware that when I was a kid and nagged it didn't do crap for me.

my brothers and I always had fun out smarting our parents a bit of a game. I was the dumb one.

 

[The Lorax]

He finally snapped out of his funk and he said he wasn't aware of the time. Then he sincerely apologized for what happened. We have never caught him in a lie. He is a lot like my wife, she doesn't lie also.

He finished all his school work.

Why am I seeing ads for an Atari VCS?!?!?

 

[SDRSpark]

So what do I do about what he did last night? I mean I have a plan but would what would any of you do in my situation?

Does he have insomnia? Was he up late because he didn't want to go to bed and wanted to play video games instead or because he couldn't sleep so he got bored or frustrated laying there and decided to play a game instead. (If it's the latter the actual recommendation is that you DON'T lie in bed but instead get up and do something. But it should be something peaceful, not a video game.)

Sleep problems are incredibly common in neurodivergent people. I don't know the exact figure but I'm pretty sure it's the majority of us.

 

[SDRSpark]

He finally snapped out of his funk and he said he wasn't aware of the time.

"Time blindness" is another common neurodivergent trait. Fortunately there are a ton of devices to help with this. If it's a common issue maybe some kind of countdown timer, starting one hour before bedtime and going through the steps of winding down/getting ready for bed?

I have a bedtime routine starting at around 10PM (I go to bed between 11 and 11:30.)

 

[The Lorax]

Nope a countdown timer irritates him and he will ignore it.

Last night I politely told him it was time to go to bed. He kept playing.
10m later I politely asked him again and he flipped out threw his computer stuff on the desk, dived into bed chanting "I'm sorry".

This morning he is refusing to get out of bed again chanting "I'm sorry". Won't eat, won't take his pills curled up in a ball.

Just last week he was pretty much ok.

 

[SDRSpark]

Nope a countdown timer irritates him and he will ignore it.

Last night I politely told him it was time to go to bed. He kept playing.
10m later I politely asked him again and he flipped out threw his computer stuff on the desk, dived into bed chanting "I'm sorry".

This morning he is refusing to get out of bed again chanting "I'm sorry". Won't eat, won't take his pills curled up in a ball.

Just last week he was pretty much ok.

My "gut" feeling (as someone who goes through swings like this) is that he may have something else going on that is stressing him out.

Now, that "something else going on" may be being a teenager, in which case you have to just wait it out. Neurodivergence exacerbates teen angst and vice versa. It is, however, worth trying to figure out if something is stressing him that you CAN do something about.

He sounds like me when I'm overstimulated/stressed/overwhelmed (these days I can internalize all that stuff and still appear functional to those around me - that's a skill that's developed with time and experience).

 

[Hypnalis]

@Lorax

Your son being himself is your problem, but it's not his problem.

You are almost certainly one of his current life challenges.

 

[SDRSpark]

@Lorax

Your son being himself is your problem, but it's not his problem.

You are almost certainly one of his current life challenges.

He's doing the best he can.

Being a parent means you have to set boundaries somewhere so that your child can grow up happy and healthy (and so that everyone in the family can remain happy and healthy). If he let his son stay up all night whenever he wanted, he wouldn't get his school work done AND everyone in the household would be miserable the next day.

PS every parent is seen by their kids as one of their life challenges lol. This is not at all unique to neurodivergence and neurodivergence isn't a free pass to avoid boundaries and responsibilities. Politely, buzz off.

 

[The Lorax]

Well it exploded last night for an unknown reason at the time. I didn't explode and remained calm. But due to the nature of the meltdown my wife and I realized perhaps his anxiety medication was too low.

What usually happens is he is ok and it starts to deteriorate slowly at an increment in a way we don't notice. Then he flips out and then it snaps us into realizing what is happening. Usually the flag is when my stress level is so high I start getting depressed. I can take a lot of stress but I am not a rock. Especially when I don't see how to fix it.

So that night after he calmed down I increased his dose. We explained to him what we think was happening and why he was acting this way. He agreed. But we could tell he was still not right. He is 14 and in the middle of puberty. Everything is changing in him.

Next morning he woke up early, asked me to wake him up earlier the next day so he could be at school on time, easily agreed to set his iPad back the same amount of time for his sleep, did everything right, got his backpack and we were off to school. I only had to remind him once it was time to go.

I was ready for a battle in the morning so all the cortisol had built up. I had to put on a fake friendly face and drive him to school. I can't let my emotions override me like they do with him or it is detrimental to him.

I am a firm believer in medication. Enough to make a person feel positive and productive as we all are happiest when we are doing something productive. We all don't know what a good balance is. We can't put ourselves in the brains of say 1,000 other people to get an average and realize wow I am really good or wow I am really bad. Even I am not optimal. I have an agreeable personality, as does my wife. We like to cooperate thus why we get along so well. My son has a disagreeable personality from the big 6 traits which clashes with us. Being disagreeable or agreeable isn't bad or good if it isn't extreme.

But I might take a vacation away from the family. My wife has been pushing me to do so because I do everything in the house and run a business. She works full time and has the same disorders so I handle everything else. She makes double what I make. No we are not rich but she is the main bread winner so I took on all the chores.

I am hoping that it is only the medication. We are testing the new dosage, with doctor approval, for 10 days until out next psychiatrist visit.

I super duper appreciate all of you commenting on my thread. I really mean it. Being an NT makes it very difficult to understand his world. I need the perspective of people who are in his world so I can better understand it. In return I answer questions about the NT world.

 

[Gerontius]

Odd question, but would his going without the computer help him (and you?)

Computers are neat machines but some of the greatest timewasters known to man, and though it may be a special interest of his, I am certain he can live without it. There is so much out there to life that isn't online that he should be discovering at this age--and he'll have more interest in living if he gets out there and lives it. (This includes developing an interest in sleeping.)

I wasn't online much at 14. It was a lot nicer. I think if I'd figured out the internet at that age I'd be crazier than an outhouse rat.

 

[SDRSpark]

Well it exploded last night for an unknown reason at the time. I didn't explode and remained calm. But due to the nature of the meltdown my wife and I realized perhaps his anxiety medication was too low.

What usually happens is he is ok and it starts to deteriorate slowly at an increment in a way we don't notice. Then he flips out and then it snaps us into realizing what is happening. Usually the flag is when my stress level is so high I start getting depressed. I can take a lot of stress but I am not a rock. Especially when I don't see how to fix it.

So that night after he calmed down I increased his dose. We explained to him what we think was happening and why he was acting this way. He agreed. But we could tell he was still not right. He is 14 and in the middle of puberty. Everything is changing in him.

Next morning he woke up early, asked me to wake him up earlier the next day so he could be at school on time, easily agreed to set his iPad back the same amount of time for his sleep, did everything right, got his backpack and we were off to school. I only had to remind him once it was time to go.

I was ready for a battle in the morning so all the cortisol had built up. I had to put on a fake friendly face and drive him to school. I can't let my emotions override me like they do with him or it is detrimental to him.

I am a firm believer in medication. Enough to make a person feel positive and productive as we all are happiest when we are doing something productive. We all don't know what a good balance is. We can't put ourselves in the brains of say 1,000 other people to get an average and realize wow I am really good or wow I am really bad. Even I am not optimal. I have an agreeable personality, as does my wife. We like to cooperate thus why we get along so well. My son has a disagreeable personality from the big 6 traits which clashes with us. Being disagreeable or agreeable isn't bad or good if it isn't extreme.

But I might take a vacation away from the family. My wife has been pushing me to do so because I do everything in the house and run a business. She works full time and has the same disorders so I handle everything else. She makes double what I make. No we are not rich but she is the main bread winner so I took on all the chores.

I am hoping that it is only the medication. We are testing the new dosage, with doctor approval, for 10 days until out next psychiatrist visit.

I super duper appreciate all of you commenting on my thread. I really mean it. Being an NT makes it very difficult to understand his world. I need the perspective of people who are in his world so I can better understand it. In return I answer questions about the NT world.

Medication is really challenging. It's also likely that he himself didn't notice the changes as they tend to come on slowly until one day you just find yourself wondering how you got there... that's how it happens with me and anxiety anyway.

I am glad it seems to be moving in the right direction and I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Mary Terry]

These are all really excellent answers.

For a while we rented a room to a single mom and her son when he was about 7. I got to see what an NT child was like. His father died and his mom was working best she could. So I helped her. Anyways her NT child was super easy. Reward system always worked. I could easily motivate him.

My son none of the above worked. The more I go against what he wants and how he wants it the more it escalates. As for bedtime or waking up once he gets going he does what needs to be done. On occasion I need to ask him to brush his teeth. If he doesn't want to do it he won't no matter what. He also flosses thus never a cavity.

I think the first reply might be right. I tried all the below that. Very frustrating.

Like here is this mess. I sleep light. My wife and I watched a movie with headphones. We went to bed around 11am. At 12am in my sleep I here a "click". BOING I wake up. I know that sound. I go to the hallway and see his computer light on. I go in and he is playing a new video game at midnight. He immediately jumps into bed. I am now awake strategizing how to deal with this crap tomorrow because the impact will be huge. If he isn't asleep by 10pm he will not wake up for school.

Now he rarely does this. I think maybe once before. An NT kid I would wake him up, he would get to school tired and pay the "iron price" for his behavior. He loses his computer privileges for the day. Now I might ask him to do some chores and help me and I would remove the restrictions. Especially if he got up on time and went. Easy.

With him no. I have to strategize the best approach to deal with this without escalating. He broke the rules, he knows why. He did it on purpose. There has to be consequences.

Currently he is sitting in bed with his pillow over his head because he doesn't want to get up because he didn't get enough sleep. He won't take his pills and won't eat. Which he needs to.

I do help him.
I am his executive function.
I try to be very careful how much I approach not to upset him.

I have a friend that has a 17 year old with some kind of disorder. Unfortunately he really hasn't had good doctors in his area. The kid is literally a genius. Vapes, pot, snorts crushed Adderol. He is so addicted that without it he can't eat or sleep. My friend says the child makes life at home as difficult as possible for them. He is a good kind empathetic person that I have never seen mad. Both very smart with degrees in various fields. They have a 2nd smart child normal child that is wonderful. It has come to the point they have to put the 1st son in some sort of institute to clean him up. The kid went so far to fake urine drug tests at home. They need to go to therapy every week. They believe he has personality disorder + ADHD. I feel bad for the kid and the parents. He is a genius and can be/do whatever he wants but the miswired neurology is killing him.

So what do I do about what he did last night? I mean I have a plan but would what would any of you do in my situation?

If your son is accessing the internet via a wireless router, just disconnect the router at bedtime. Reconnect it in the morning. Hide the router if necessary.

 

[watersprite]

But I might take a vacation away from the family

Stability is extremely important for kids including and probably especially for teenagers. It may seem like a good idea to take a vacation from your chores at home.
In my opinion this is the time to stick it out.

I raised 2; both were challenging during the teen years. One much more so, and similar issues. I stayed home because the paychologists and my gut feeling told me that the teen’s developing mind and body needed me there.

They are grown now, & doing well on their own. Both are exteemely bright.

I hope, if you do leave, that you let your son know ahead of time that your leaving is not due to him.

 

[The Lorax]

Computer - When his medication isn't working he tries to gain more access to electronics because it is his stress relief to the anxiety he is feeling. But when he is ok he does all his work, he goes to dinner with us, goes to movies, etc. He gets off when we tell him. It's just a different generation than mine. I grew up on the Atari 800.

Medication - Not he didn't notice. Most people don't. I am very fortunate that my wife is self aware. If she starts losing it I can simply ask "did you take your medication" and no matter what frame of mind she is in she checks, takes the pills if she forgot, and locks herself in her run till she mentally heals. We are incredibly lucky that SSRIs have an almost immediate affect for both of them. Usually within an hour there is an improvement. Most stories I have read or listened to about NTs with depression is that they don't have much self awareness when things start going wrong.

Internet - I worked in I.T. as a network engineer. Yea I know what I am doing And FYI for everyone out there reading this with a kid.... the blocking mechanism for MAC addresses normally found in routers can be overridden if your child knows how to enter in a software MAC address and override it. Some services use an encrypted internet request to where the router can't see where it is going. So even if the internet timer is on it can still pass through. Discord is especially challenging to block. Web address are the same. the new websites all use https: which is encrypted so if you block an adult site on the router by name or I.P. it won't block it. You can use a hosts file to do so but only if they are not using Firefox which ignores it. I have my network setup via outlet network card. All the PCs in the home pass through this cards so at 9pm I pull the plug. My wife and I have WIFI also on our PC but not my son. Another thing you can do is setup 2 WIFIs and simply turn one off on the router each night. 1 WIFI for adults, 1 for kids.

Vacation - This would be in March when he is on vacation and only for a few days. As is I am fine now after two days of him being back to a stable happy productive child. My vacation would only be for 4 days.

2 kinds - After my first and how difficult he was we said no more kids. I totally get you though. Kids are tough to bring up. You need to read a lot of books to know what to do. Both of us work from home so we are always here for him. I don't know how people have 3+. I gave up my I.T. job because of my son and created a business I can work from home. It's taken years but finally I am making a decent living.

So this morning he got up early, ate, took his pills, got his stuff together and said for the first time "I don't want to be late". So it seems it was the medication after all.